Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

Take control OP, you control your actions.
Make the decision not to contact your ex today; make the same decision tomorrow; then the next day etc etc.
You are doing brilliantly well to be holding down your job and looking after your kids when you are feeling like this- you should be proud of what you are achieving.
Keep going. Talk to the duty doctor.

I have been here with the obsessive constant texting and depression including being signed off work with it, its an addiction and the thing youre trying to do to ease the pain (texting, calling, visiting) is just you taking your next hit - you cant start healing until you stop.

Luckily(?) for me, my ex that devastated me so much eventually totally blocked me on everything, it was a shock and i still went to message him for the next 3 or 4 days often only to find I couldnt and feel lost all over again. It was the best thing he could have done though.

You need to break the cycle - if you cant stop yourself texting, give your phone to someone else to look after for a week. Or have someone visit/stay who can stop you. It's an addiction just like Heroin is an addiction, you can break it if you have the help but you have to admit you need help and accept it.

dailydance.....yes he probably was. He always hid his phone...I knew there were always other women messaging him. The few times I did get a chance to go through it (not good, i know), there was always messages from women x

I think you’re confusing different issues here. You’re feeling very depressed and hating yourself. You have convinced yourself that your ex leaving is the cause of these feelings and the only way to stop feeling like this is to get him back.

Separate the issues. You feel like shit. I know what it’s like to feel like the only way to cope is to sleep. It’s soft in bed and warm and comfortable and safe and no one can get to you. I used to set myself tasks - walk to the park and back and then you can have an hour in bed. Then slowly build it up until you are living a life again and not just wishing it away.

As for the ex, well he’s a shit. He’s not going to get back together with you, he’s made that clear. But he’s not blocked you either. He must know how much this is fucking you up, with the amount of calls. So he’s just keeping you very much on the back burner in case he fancies a shag. And he’s willing to occasionally shag and string along a woman who is very clearly on the edge and mentally struggling. That doesn’t make him in anyway attractive or good for you. Convincing him to occasionally shag you is not a win for you. It’s hard but just try and step back. At you brave enough to delete his number? You need to find a way to stop yourself contacting him if he’s not going to take that step for you.

My gp called. By chance it was the same lady I had when I went through my divorce. She has signed me off for 2 weeks. I didn't really want that, but she thinks it's best. Oh well, pressures off with keeping up appearances but I've no routine now...

Give yourself a routine. Go for a half hour walk every day after dropping the kids.

Take your meds at the same time every day.

Choose a book list to read and work through it.

Make Christmas lists and start your shopping.

And BLOCK HIS NUMBER.

Did you ask the GP about alternative treatments to medication?

I remember reading about a study recently which said that cognitive behaviour therapy is more effective than anti ds in many cases.

I too would be wary about the medication route, especially after reading on MN a couple or so years ago a post from a woman who had been on them for 30 years. 30 years! She was apparently originally prescribed them when she went to her GP as she was very upset and down following the death of a friend.
That happened 30 years ago, and every time she tries to come off those awful tablets she starts suffering dreadful withdrawal symptoms.

I have never forgotten that post.

I'm so sorry hun you sound so depressed and low.

If it helps I was you 6 years ago. My DD dad left us for another girl, got her pregnant and that was it . I tried the phone calls, cried daily and lost a lot of weight through stress I also suffer from depression.

What I did was one thing at a time for example:

Week one : Take Meds at the same time each day.

Week two: Wake up and go to bed he same time every day.

Week three: Make sure I bathed every day.

Week four: Quality time out with dd.

Week five: no crying for one whole day.

Luckily dd was only 2 so doesn't remember a time with her dad and myself.

Now, many years on I have a better job, lovely boyfriend who dotes on my DD and I'm much better depression wise.

You will get there it just takes a hell of a long time but you can do it.

How old are your dc?

Hello OP,

Well done for posting here, for admitting you need help, and for contacting your GP.

I’ve been where you are, a long time ago. I was constantly afraid, chronically depressed, ashamed of myself and of who I’d become. I understand the pain.

Things that helped me:

• Delete his number and block him. Going no-contact is the only way you’ll get through this. Set up an email account just for his messages and ask him to contact you through that. And only check this every few days.

How old are your kids? Are they old enough for him to speak to them directly to arrange contact? Do you actually need to be in touch with him at all?

1. Read It’s Called A Breakup because It’s Broken. If you do one thing today, buy that book.

1. Find a counsellor. If money isn’t a problem, go private. You can find one here: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/adv-search.html

1. Buy yourself a notebook and pen and start keeping a diary. Write down how you feel. When you want to contact your ex, put it in here instead. When you’re thinking about suicide, write it down. And try every day to write down one good thing that happened to you, or something you’re grateful for having in your life. I know it sounds stupid but it does help.

You’re not alone

Oh OP I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.

Rest assured you’re not the first and you won’t be the last to experience these feelings but much like the others have said, and yourself, you need to take back control of your life and your emotions.

I would advise that you get back on your medication, put a reminder on your phone for each day so you take it, usually with anti depressants (mine used to be sertraline) it takes about two weeks for them to function properly in your system BUT they are only half the journey, you can’t move on by numbing your feelings of anxiety and depression, the tablets are a physical aid to emotional distress therefore you need to seek professional private counselling with someone you feel safe with (this can take a few attempts to find the right one but when you do you’ll just feel it in your bones) you need to work through your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings with them and start building your life back up.

I can see that you’ve been signed off from work and YES I agree that’s good for now but it’s a temp fix because the worlds still revolving even when you’re not actively there so you can’t hise away in bed because you’re not solving anything and when the weeks are up you’ll go back and nothing will have changed. Whilst you’re off work take time to write down your feelings and get into your own to routine, go for a walk/run, grab a coffee or meet with anyone that’s around.

I really hope things get better, you’ve got so much to be positive about

Are there any self groups you could go to for co-dependency? No offence but what you’re doing now obviously isn’t working and you’re in a lot pain.

Not doing anything to change to situation is more painful than making the changes.

I personally think you need to take your mess and look at increasing dosage even for a while. The feelings you describe sound like a constant washing machine on non-stop. A calming of those feelings and some rest will help in the short time and you can start to get your head together.

I agree tough love is needed. Affirmations on post-it’s on your mirror - he’s not coming back. You are worth it. Things will get better. Repeat each day.

A gratitude list can help too. Life is crap right now but reminding yourself of what you do have can help.

You need a survival plan.

Well done OP you are making positive steps in moving forward.

As other posters have suggested keep a routine while you are off work, a gentle walk every day, maybe take this time to do the pre Christmas clutter and toy sort out. Has the GP made an appointment for you to go in and see her? I know it is tempting to sleep but maybe if you make a list of things to do it might keep you busy. The suggestion of a diary to record your thoughts and feelings is a really good idea.

Keep posting here if you want to and maybe reach out to friends for extra support.

I think you've been given good advice here and glad you've contacted your GP. I think if you can speak to friends/family.......let them know what a hard time you're going through at the moment. I'm sure they would want to support you & help you through this. I know from experience I couldn't of got through my separation without support from close friends - they were a godsend.
Also try and use this 2 weeks off to look after yourself......try & eat properly......get into a proper sleeping routine & be kind to yourself. Can you maybe plan some things to look forward to with the kids? Maybe focus your mind on something more positive? Just take one day at a time xxxx

Hi Button.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and like other have said, I’ve been there. It’s self destructive and you know it’s wrong but you just can’t help yourself.
I’m glad you’ve spoken to the doctor today and although being signed off isn’t what you want, you need to use this time to get your life on track.
You said he spent the weekend with you a few weeks ago and that he always answers your calls and texts, this is (as you said) giving you bread crumbs of hope. Take back the power. Block him and delete his number. Don’t let yourself be able to communicate. When you get upset and you want to go round to the house. Don’t. Do anything else. Paint your nails, go to the cinema, walk to the shops. Find something to distract you. You mentioned that you haven’t got past four days of no contact before. I know you won’t believe me but the first week is the hardest part. Once you’re past that, you can start to see the light and see things more rationally.
The very fact that you came on here for support and acknowledging of what you’ve been doing speaks volumes about you as a person. I absolutely take my hat off to you. Keep posting. We’re all here x

OP, when I went through separation my GP prescribed antidepressants, anti anxiety meds and Diazapam. In the first few weeks I took the Diazapam which helped the initial shock then I ceased taking them. The anti anxiety helped me loads because it took away the panic and fear. Do you think it's worth discussing a medication review with your GP?

In my experience, it’s very hard to break away from an emotionally abusive relationship. The control that they have over you is immensely difficult to let go of (bizarrely).. it’s like a powerful bond. He has torn you down, made you feel worthless and you believed him which may be why you are beating yourself up so much and seeking his contact. I hate to say this but he is probably enjoying it. Don’t let him; block him.

What helped me was firstly, making all tasks little milestones - get up, make cup of tea, shower, get dressed, go for an hour walk (must listen to happy music while walking) etc. It’s slightly robotic but it helps to keep you distracted and breaking that bond. Mark off each day that you have no contact. I also spent months and most of my free time reading up on emotional abuse and general psychology - that helped me to break the bond; to step back and see the relationship for what it was - toxic & abusive. To understand why I felt the way I did, what was the cause, how to manage it. By the time I got to that point my confidence was coming back and I signed myself up for some cheap hobby classes- just to get out and improve my confidence even more.

Separately, I have depression. The abusive ex triggered it again but the symptoms were different because of the abuse. I didn’t know how to manage it at first; but those milestone tasks helped; along with anti depressants for a short while (I’m generally not a fan of them)

Take one day at a time.

Well done OP. Glad you have had some great advice. Keep posting and putting one foot in front of the other and the bad days will be less.

Oh Op. I'm going through a horrible break up too and can totally relate to how you're feeling. It is tough. However, Please:

• Don't call/text/stalk ex. He sounds like a shit leading you on. You are essentially giving him power.
• Get counselling asap

-Take your meds and talk to your doctor.

I know it is hard, I've been crying myself every day. I'm still heartbroken. But I'm slowly climbing out of the hole - stumbling a bit. Accept there will be good and bad days, but you need to detatch yourself from him.

It was a toxic relationship. He's without a doubt, the most angry, aggressive, bad tempered, highly strung man I have ever met. I changed my phone number to reassure him I wasn't speaking to anyone....I deleted all my social media (he did as well but is now back on), he constantly thought I was leading on other men...there's just too much stuff to even write. My head feels like it's exploding...x

So why if I can say all that, am I feeling like this? Another confirmation I have lost the plot completely.

I wrote him a letter tonight and posted it through his letter box. I do feel a slight sense of closure in doing that.

I think the biggest thing is how I feel about myself though. I've lost control and lost my self respect. This is the lowest I've felt in my life x

Stop contacting him. Seriously. You seem to be doing it as a form of self harm - you want reassurance that you have lost all self respect and are going crazy and by constantly harassing him you are giving yourself that reassurance.

Each time you try and contact him it makes you feel shitter. It is an downward spiral and only you can stop it by not contacting him. Even if he replies or agrees to shag you its going to make you feel shit. You are depressed and you need treatment for this.

Did the dr suggest any medication/ counselling? Or just sign you off?

Hi OP,
There is a book i recommend called Obsessive love. I have been where you are, i remember the shame, the obsession, the thoughts about dying. Nowdays, after a break up, i manage not to go crazy on the texting front but i still cyberstalk my ex if i have too much to drink.
I have found the above mentioned book helpful. Also had counselling with Relate.
No contact is crucial i think.
I cant advise on the depression front, sorry.

I agree - tick off each day that you don’t contact him. Before you know it it will be a week then 2 then a month and you’ll realise you don’t need him.

No more calls texts emails or letters and stay off FB?

I called him again this morning. Please don't reply if you're going to be shitty with me, because I feel bad enough in myself. I'm using this as my own personal diary, so I have to be honest.

Day one and I've let myself down....again.

You haven’t lost the plot. You may have lost yourself a little. start researching emotional abuse- it will answer a lot of questions and clear up a lot of confusion as to why you feel the way you do. It will also keep you busy. “Why Would He Do That” is a good starting point for a book. Nobody can answer the “why do I feel like this” question for you - guide you, yes, but not answer it. You have to work it out yourself because only you truly know how you feel and exactly what happened in that relationship. If you don’t want to spend on books then there are hundreds of articles online. I’d recommend you stick to the academic / psychology articles.