Broken, worthless and ashamed...

[Button21]

Hello.

I've came to this site for some help and support. I've never used a forum like this before, so I'm unsure if I'll be lucky enough to get any replies. If I don't, I'm just going to try and use it as a personal diary to try and make sense of what and why I'm doing what I'm doing right now.

I split up with my ex partner a few months ago and it's been hell on earth since. It hurts me every time I breathe. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the only way I can describe it. I'm holding onto my life with my fingertips. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but don't want to go back down that route of medication again, because if I'm honest, I don't think it's ever helped me, and I'm useless at taking it.

On the outside, I have everything. I have a job, a nice home, 2 healthy kids....but I'm screaming inside. I cry daily...hourly...and I don't know how long I can hold it together for. The only time I have peace, is when I'm sleeping, but I use sleep as a vice, meaning I try and sleep whenever I can and it makes me worse. I have a day off today and I've went back to my bed...I have crazy dreams and wake up feeling horrible. I have awful thoughts about ending my life, but I know I would never do that to my children....they are just thoughts that sometimes bring me a little bit of comfort. I just want my pain to end.

So now I'll write why I'm feeling like this...
I'm ashamed to say I've turned into a desperate person. That's the best way to describe it. I phone my ex up to a hundred times a day sometimes. On a good day, it's maybe 20. I turn up at his house crying. I text him, although this isn't very much as I know he doesn't read them. I can't break the cycle. I don't know what's wrong with me... I've lasted 4 days without contact before, but that's been it.

I feel worthless, broken, psychotic, abnormal....pretty much no words can describe the pain in my heart right now.

I'm not what I look like....I'm broken. Please, please....if you take time to read this, please say something to me...I don't know how to start to feel better....I'm so hurt, sad and ashamed...

Thank you for reading the first entry in my sad diary x

You called him this morning...Ok, start the day again. Don’t call him again today. Start reading; go for a walk; have a bath - do something that makes you feel good.

I haven't eaten anything in days and I've no energy. I just want to sleep. Kiddies are away to school.

No one is going to be shitty with you. You can do this!

Hi Button I am new on mumsnet but have lurked for ever but felt the need to respond to you because your clearly struggling.

Well done on trying to sort all this out. I've been there and it's hard but you can get through it.

Your GP has signed you off for 2 weeks but what other help and advice did they give you? Do they want you to take antidepressants? Do they want to see you face to face?

Do you have money to pay to see a therapist? I know that you don't want to speak to friends but I do think it's important to talk to someone.

Keep messaging on here. Write stuff down, get it out.

I really feel for you. Anyone that has not been in an abusive relationship may not understand the pull and control it has over you. I’m sure they don’t mean to come across shitty.

He has clearly taken advantage of you at your most vulnerable and sounds like he has made most of your life choices for you throughout your relationship. It can be very strange how living with someone who is emotionally and mentally abusive and co trolling how it can quickly be the crutch you cling to rather as try to run the other direction because it’s easier to deal with what you know. The fact that he is letting you call him all the time suggests he is getting some ego trip out if it because any normal person would have told you where to go after a day of that behaviour.

I’m with pp saying that 2 weeks signed off is nothing. Your gp really needs to see you and get you some proper treatment in place. You still need to sort some counselling as you may really struggle to do this all yourself and why struggle alone.

What great posts you've had on your thread.

You are suffering a mental illness at present. There you are, you have an illness. You and most people at some point in our life.

Sounds like your ex is abusive, which would make the break up very intense. This isn't all you...

I agree with suggestions to go to support groups eg
depression support group
codependency 12 step group (coda)
SLAA - sex and love addicts anonymous, another 12 step group

You'll meet some GREAT people there, just like you, promise!

Exercise is a great anti depressant. So drag your dear bod around the block at a brisk pace for half an hour every day.

Anti depressants are miracle workers, modern miracles. Unlike the old days when the only option was highly addictive tranquillisers (which people couldn't get off re previous poster's account of 30 year use). ADs are not addictive. The way they work is: prolonged anxiety releases constant adrenalin (to activate primal fight/flight) which, crucially, turns off feelgood brain chemicals eg serotonin (bcs you don't need soft feelings when you're fighting a bear, your responses need to be sharp). Eventually those feelgood chemicals stop firing due to lack of use: ADs get them firing again. That's it, that's what they do. You have to take them consistently to get the wonderful benefit.

You can nudge the process along by taking the great suggestions by previous posters (pp's) eg exercise, meditation, breathing. There is a huge academic study gaining ground (studied at Cambridge don't you know) about the science of happiness: some great findings and community projects coming from it with great funding (bcs unhappiness/depression costs the country dear).

Your gp sounds good so trust her, do what she says, don't be thinking you can do this yourself bcs you can't, you are currently ill.

And do please stop being horrible to yourself. Yes yes it's part of the illness to loathe yourself but PLEASE try not to indulge it. It really doesn't help.

You are poorly. Take care of your dear self

Ps your gp may prescribe tranquillisers for a few days bcs you are in crisis. Don't be concerned, trust her sweetie

I managed a whole day yesterday without contacting a man I know is bad for me. First time in a year. (the contact is mutual but its bad for me). It was a VERY long day. Today feels long already.

I am off for a shower and clean clothes after school run.
Then I have a whole empty day which frankly terrifies me.
But contacting HIM won't fix that, it will just distract/delay me from fixing it myself.
for you, from me.x

Have you got the dc’s with you this weekend? If so, can you plan to take them out somewhere nice, where you’re not thinking about how crap things are? Maybe even leave the phone at home so you won’t be tempted.

One day at a time. Just start today again. Put the phone out of reach/ turn it off. Snuggle into bed with a nice book.

sorry, that was a bit self indulgent, not meant to be!
What I meant was:
I know (a bit) about where you are at right now.
But I also know that contact will prolong it. And you deserve more.
And I'd like to send you an un-MNetty ((((((()))))))

SLAA

Well done pinkingshears that is a massive step and not self indulgent in my opinion.

What have you got planned today?

Snuggly thank you.
Nothing!. I am in middle of nowhere. It's pouring and I cant walk far anyway (disabled). no money to waste on petrol / trip to shops.
So, I am trying to write it out of my system.
It is VERY hard to sit in the feelings of want/need/abandonment etc but not contact him.
I have known him for 25 years (big gap in middle) and he is the 'love of my life' but he IS bad for me.
So, I try to tolerate the feelings for a bit, then distract with tea/bath/MN/sleep (with you on that, OP, very tempting), then tolerate for a bit.
I know that if I contact him I have to go back to 'Day 1' again.
It is much easier said than done so OP, you have all my good wishes.x

SORRY for x post Button

He is NOT good for you. Your 'timeline' is really sad (so's mine)

The 20 million dollar question is why are you so strung up on someone who behaves so badly to you???.

IMO, you need to cut contact and then work that bit out before you get involved with anyone else, for your own good. (me too btw).x

Oh Button that timeline is so sad. I ve been dumped too and it’s so sad and I did the desperate text/ email / calls too. I m now a couple of moths in and I’ve done what’s known as the 180. A complete turn around in how I approach the split. I’ve done this for me not for reconciliation I must add as I don’t want my cheating ex back. It’s been hard but contact is now minimal if at all and I feel strong. Stronger than I have done I years. Look after yourself and keep posting. You can do this and will come out the other side.

I don't know. It's like I need him for validation. I don't know. I feel so awful about myself. I think I just got so used to fighting for him, it became the norm. I know love shouldn't hurt....love should be kind and patient. It should make your heart happy. I'm so sad and lonely. Wish I could pick myself up. I'm still in my bed. I haven't showered for a couple of days and I've no energy. Why is one person making me feel like this.

Looking back, I think this is my pattern. I faught hard for my marriage when we were together. My husband didn't want to be with me. I fell pregnant and the rest is history. It was no big love affair. I loved him but I don't think he ever loved me. When he left, in a funny way, it was a relief because I always knew he would. I didn't fight for him afterwards. But I was very very broken and sad for a long time.

Then I met him. The most toxic relationship of my life. I'm stuck in the mud. I hate my life.

Not blaming him, but why won't he block my number? Why when I phone him 100 times does he often call back and engage in conversation with me? Why when he hears it's me, does he not just hang up? Why does he answer his door? Why will he ask if I'm ok if I haven't messaged him for a day? And it's not a sex thing with him. If it was, I could understand. But it's not.

My head is such a mess. I'm only at peace when I'm sleeping. It's happening again...I'm going downhill rapidly

It’s control and feeling like he’s needed I m guessing. He probably thinks he has the upper hand, you can’t live without him, you would take him back. A massive ego boost and he may well be enjoying it. If you stop contact I would put money on he contacts you. You need to block him. Take back some control, appear to be getting stronger even if you’re not. Look to the future. Even it’s the next hour.

If I really wanted someone out of my life, I'd change my number or block them. He just gives me a tiny glimmer of hope to keep me there.... i take the bait, and then I'm the crazy one. Which I am. I know.

So you have got into a pattern of 'fighting' for love?
Like you think you are not good enough to be given it but have to fight for it? I bet you ARE good enough to just be given it! But if you dont feel it it attracts those who will be skewy with you.
I know what you mean about 'needing him for validation'.
I feel most alive when in contact with my NGFM (not good for me) man.
But it is also really scary to be so reliant on another person to feel alive. And it gives all the power to him. Not good.

Are you eating? Can you manage a shower/clean sheets and back to bed? You might rest better?
It is nearly lunchtime - how are you doing on the not texting front?

I don't ask for anything from him. I never have. I don't look for much when I'm with someone.... I've zero expectations from anyone.

I've been feeling like this since August and it's all came to a head now. I've been holding on with my fingertips...pretending I'm doing fine. I've struggled every single day and I can't pretend any longer.

Pinkingshears....I've not texted or called since my one call this morning.

I feel numb and broken.

Thank you to everyone who messages me. Thank you xx

I am reading them all and hoping and praying some of it sinks in to my stupid head xx