Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

Jwrecks you’re not the only one I wouldn’t be at all cool with one to one dinner or drinks with a woman - but am ok with him doing that with male colleagues - doesn’t make sense does it and yet seems right !

OP he is a cunt. And I hate that word. He's also a clever cunt but not clever enough

You know why they're planning these trips away in front of you don't you? So that he can turn around and say "nothing's going on! If it was why would we discuss our plans in front of you!"

As for blaming you being hormonal on his actions - what a toss pot! Whether you'd been pregnant or not he would've still done what he's done.

He's an arsehole. It actually made me feel a little sad you cooking them dinner and bouncing on your ball while they're making plans right under your nose

An option would be to book sessions with a GOOD couples counsellor (eg BACP qualified) to discuss his emotional affair and intention to take up training requiring huge time commitment and with OW, as a new parent and on top of FT work.

It will be harder for him to gaslight with the counsellor there.

You might also get him a copy of “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

The responses on this thread are puzzling to me.

I’m bisexual. So going by this thread this would basically mean that if I were in a relationship, I couldn’t have any friends. At all. Because same sex or opposite sex they could be people that I could conceivably sleep with.

Wouldn’t that be a) miserable and b) controlling of my partner to expect?

In this situation, in the OPs shoes, I would tell my partner how his relationship with this woman was making me feel and take the conversation from there. But do I think it’s possible and ok for either partner to have friends and see them individually? Generally, absolutely yes and I think that’s healthy. It’s possible to be platonic friends with people and share common interests that you don’t share with a partner.

You don't lie about the intensity and frequency of the contact though. Not if it's all innocent. Sitting on the couch late at night messaging her when pretending toi be asleep? Urgh.

I just can’t believe HER let alone him - what would possess you to go to dinner , alone, with a male colleague and his pregnant wife ?!! It’s just so odd. Even if , ESPECIALLY if, you fancied said colleague why would u go for dinner with the pregnant wife ?! How old is she ? She must be fairly young and immature ?
The point is I have no problems with DH having friends or work relationships which includes nights out but something new and exclusive that he was shady about would be a massive immediate red flag

Talked to DH about how this trip is NOT happening last night. He did seem to get it, said he either wouldn't go, or me and the baby were welcome to come with them. I went with them to drop her home, there was no way I was letting him do it alone.

The dinner itself was pretty strange. She pretty much just sat there playing on her phone. Asked me a few questions about the baby, was polite I guess. She doesn't seem like DH's type, not that I'm sure that really means anything.

We discussed the the lies again as well, how regardless of how 'hormonal' he may think I'm being, that gives him no right to ever lie to me about anything. Surprisingly, he hasn't said a single word about me looking at the iPad and seems to understand why I did.

I don't know. He seems apologetic, and is saying all the right things. I wouldn't say they were flirty, I wouldn't even say they seemed particularly friendly!

I guess just watch this space. Maybe it is just a pre-baby wobble, not that that's any excuse at all. We've been together six years, married for two, and he's always been amazing. He's a completely selfless person usually.

How keen was he on having a baby before all this happened, OP?

He's behaving like someone who is staring into the headlights on an approaching life change and wanting to step off the tracks into another life.

He was/is desperate to have a baby. He had been for years, and is constantly talking about the future with the baby, all the bits he's looking forward to, touching my bump at every opportunity... It does seem like it's something he still really wants.

My wife is 36 weeks pregnant and I work in a business with quite a few female colleagues. I also have two or three female friends that predate my relationship. I wouldn’t though sit up texting and investing time into other women. I also wouldn’t lie about it as there is no reason too. From a male perspective this looks very suspicious and to be honest extremely disrespectful. You’re carrying his child all his efforts should be in being close with you. I’d tread carefully.

The fact that they weren’t ‘natural’ speaks volumes to me

Interesting she spent her time playing with her phone, perhaps she’s uncomfortable at doing something that’s “off”.

I’d not let this drop OP. She goes, or he does. Make that very clear and he might just see the seriousness of what he’s doing.

He will have told her that you are on to their emotional affair.
They are both spending hours chatting but when you are in the room they don't .Being on her phone is basically because she doesn't want to interact with YOU, only him (sending him messages?)
as for next years marathon plans, I think I would have said something like, Do you know I am actually in the room ? I am not just home help, None of these plans are happening without consideration of me & our child.

If he wants this baby so much, its strange that he is jeopardising his role as full time father. This is not over

Nothing useful to say in this post. Still pissed off at your husband.

Very weird. He will probably think he has licence to spend even more time texting her all night long or meeting up with her.

Re the marathon I would say, you will never have time to do that with a newborn and don't even let him contemplate it. I know several men who have suddenly got into health and fitness when baby comes along, just to avoid coming home. Same with the holiday, it just ain't happening.

Even more odd that you say he is desperate for a child. If they are genuinely just friends maybe things will shift when the baby arrives.

"I know several men who have suddenly got into health and fitness when baby comes along, just to avoid coming home."

Me too, which is why I was asking about how keen he was on the pregnancy - but it sounds like he's super-eager about it. It makes no sense, though. I would guess one or the other of those things is really true.

I agree, his behaviour seems to have no pattern and make no sense

I do believe he still really wants the baby though, and I'd like to think he still wants me too.

I'm sure he does, embarrassed.

I think sometimes on Mumsnet people rush to the idea that every interaction has to be romantically motivated. It's possible this is but it actually sounds like this may not be the case here. I've seen parents-to-be of both sexes worry a lot about the change that a baby entails, even while they are excited to welcome a new member of the family. I've seen people book crazy round-the-world trips for after the birth, or insist vehemently that a new baby absolutely will not interfere with their hobby/career, when it clearly will have an impact. It's an anxiety that is natural and understandable in the face of the uncertainty of a change that you can't really prepare for. I wonder if this could be similar?

The way you describe her as acting at dinner seems weird to me. If you’ve spent a lot of time messaging someone etc etc why would you go to their house and sit on your phone all night and behave coldly towards the person, unless you had something to hide slightly.
When my now ex had his emotional affair (not why we split in the end but the start of it) he professed, when I pointed out that his behaviour was inappropriate, to have not realised how it all appeared or what he was doing. I think about half of that was bullshit. I think he knew what he was doing to a degree but genuinely thought that by doing in in plain sight, talking about her all the time, inviting her out with our group of friends, having her to our house for dinner, he was making it a legitimate friendship, rather than what it was which was something quite damaging to our marriage.
I chose to let it go in the end after some discussion where he pretty much blamed her and said he hadn’t realised etc...
With hindsight that was a mistake as it ate away at my self esteem and my confidence in our marriage until there wasn’t much left.
I hope that won’t happen with you op-communication is key I think.

Have you tried telling your dh, how his behaviour looks?

I would lay out bare facts and ask how you are meant to respond emotionally!

That he has turned his attention from his pregnant wife at a time when you feel most vulnerable! Choosing to spend hours chatting to her rather than coming to bed with you! Going out for dinner and hiding it from you

Tell him that his lies and manipulation of the truth, suggest that he has something to hide. That to your mind that could be either having an emotional affair, or a fully fledged sexual affair.
Let him know how uncomfortable he made you then by rubbing this woman in your face, expecting you to cook for her (whilst wondering if she was having sex with your husband). Especially given that you are heavily pregnant, feeling vulnerable in a body that feels alien to you and already upset that he would rather spend his time chatting to her than go to bed with you!!!

I would tell him that to compound this, his 'friend' was obviously uncomfortable, which considering the hours they have spent talking, suggests to you that she felt guilt or discomfort at your presence.

I would also ask how he thought it made you feel for them then to future plan together about running marathons and travel abroad next year, with no consultation of you or your needs. Tell him how hurtful this was! That it didn't reassure you at all, that he wasn't having an affair!

Tell him that none of this is the behaviour of a man who is totally in love with his wife and looking forward to the birth of your baby!

I hope he knows what he stands to lose!!!! I would tell him exactly what he will lose if he is cheating, just in case he needs reminding (I think he does, his brazen disregard for you is angering!)

How was he with you, whilst his 'friend' was over? Was he affectionately wrapping his arms around you in front of her, was he stroking your bump, excitedly talking about your baby and sharing lots of loving glances with you over the table? I ask because this is how my dh is, especially during pregnancy, he is even more in love, excited and proud as a peacock! He would certainly be giving off serious excitement and 'in love' vibes this close to birth. If he was more for talking to his friend, ignoring you and almost oblivious to your presence then I would say that his body is telling you more than he is saying.

Unless he admits to an affair there isn't much you can do. I would be checking his phone for messages (particularly to see if she was messaging him whilst at yours when she was on the phone) and photos whilst he sleeps if you need proof. In fact I think he should be happy to be transparent with his phone, especially if he has nothing to hide!

I'd be very wary of those 'white lies' OP. Not necessarily because he might be on the route to an affair or anything, but because he obviously sees lying as acceptable.

My H also told me 'white lies' about a female friend at the beginning of our relationship. It was weird because I actually had no issues with this friendship at all, so there was no need to lie. They never had an affair or anything, and in fact the friendship fizzled out anyway, but his lying set the tone for our entire marriage.

20 years later - and lying, gaslighting and stonewalling are his default positions for everything. Even about completely stupid things, like for example, he lied about the type of cloth he used to clean the bathroom mirror. If I want to talk about anything to do with our relationship or anything that's bothered me, his one and only concern is him looking like the innocent party and coming out top. I literally have no idea what he truly thinks about anything. You know that saying, 'I know you're lying because your lips are moving'? That's my H.

Those 'white lies' are utterly toxic. I really wish I'd seen them for the massive red flag they were. But at the time I was just a bit and didn't make a big enough deal of them.

It’s a red herring to think about whether they were sexual or not, or his lying, as the only reason this might be bad of him.

Although because he and she are probably sexually compatible this is always a possibility.

The fact is OP - he’s let you down and bought the focus excitedly onto another woman, even as far as getting her to dinner with just him, then with you, exciting enough to exchange late night texts, when you and him are embarking on the most challenging and unifying times of your life.

All the talk about just be cool if he has opposite sex friends is minimizing and silly.

I’m worried about you as you still don’t seem to have any sense of outrage or value of yourself in this situation. You do know it was humiliating to have bought her round? Demeaning of your husband to do this to you?

If you don’t, then confide in a few trusted friends or family about this. You need to be vigilant that you don’t become low and depressed when the baby arrives, you are up all night, and your husbands thoughts are elsewhere.

And what piper said. This is very good advice.

The woman could be substituted for many other things in the future if you don’t fully challenge this now.

It’s not so much about what he’s doing with the other woman.

It’s how he is getting into the habit of treating you.

I’m usually glued to my phone but wouldn’t be even taking it out at a dinner where I’m a guest. She was clearly uncomfotable. Also who was she texting? I mean could that be your DH?

The responses on this thread are puzzling to me

Why? Most posters are perfectly happy about being friends with a member of the opposite sex. Being LIED to about it is the problem here and creates the issue.

That shouldn't really be puzzling!

what happened? did you speak to him about it? did she come over for dinner? hope you’re okay lovely