Am I overreacting aboit DH's new female friend?

[EmbarrassedAndPregnant]

Just to begin with, I'm 36 weeks pregnant and quite emotional. I'm scared I've overeacted hugely to this.

DH has a new female friend from work. They've been talking late at night, text a lot, went out for dinner once alone together. I don't have an issue with this. What I have an issue with is him lying to me about it!

I've thought something was up for a while, and today had a look at his IPad after he went to work. I'm not proud of that, but I just knew something was up. Turns out whenever he said he 'fell asleep downstairs watching a film' or 'was going out to dinner with a group of people from work' it was complete bullshit. He was either talking to or out with her. It's all perfectly innocent from what I've read, so why is there any need to lie to me in the first place?

So I have texted him about it I'm just angry. I just feel like clearly something is going on if he can't just be honest about his relationship with a female friend. And now I feel particularly stupid because I'll have to wait till he gets home to discuss it properly.

Honestly, have I overeacted?

Humiliating experience OP. The dinner. Yuk.

Really. What’s in this for you and your baby? Very little. His future focus is on projects abroad with another woman. While you sweetly stay at home unsupported and lonely.

He can piss off! Start being as hormonal as you like. Protect yourself and show him and his grubby female-friend the door. Don’t waste anymore of your time with this nonsense. Your energy should be on yourself.

He's a massive gaslighting twat. Hormonal? Fuck you. Fuck you, you utter bastard. Oh OP, you are being far, far kinder than he deserves.

Change the wifi code to "I know your game, you dirty fucker"

He has a crush on her and he's behaving appallingly. Get some sleep for now, OP, but don't let this slide. He needs to be told.

He's made you host dinner at 36weeks pregs whilst he plans international travel with someone he has been secretly meeting whilst lying to you

Yes, this. OP, you're on my mind a bit with this thread. You sound so nice and normal, and I really feel for you.

I truly hope he's having a some kind of about-to-become-a-dad crisis, which would still make him a utter shit for this, but could be knocked on the head and give you a future if he's repentant.

Otherwise, it's sounds like he's just being a shit. I really hope you're okay.

Is he taking her home, OP? How did she get there?

Omfg! I'd have kicked her out!

He is being a supremely selfish lying cheating dick!

At the very least an emotional affair if not more. Several have said maybe having her round is to make out all is hunky dory but I suspect something worse (based on own experience) the idea may be to make it look innocent to your neighbours so he can have your (plural) friend round when you're not home.

He is taking the fucking piss! Your hormones do not change the FACT that he went on a date with, neglects you to text and is investing more energy in this other woman AND lied about it!

Get her gone out your home and your life.

Husband needs to only communicate with her re work. That 'friendship' is OVER as of NOW.

If he finds that in any way a problem you are better off without.

This isn't nice behaviour, he is behaving like a selfish arse. Lying isn't okay and that isn't anything to do with hormones. Opposite sex friends are fine in my book, lying about them isn't and neither is planning any new hobby that takes you overseas with new opposite sex friend while other half and you have a new baby. You saw them together, how was he behaving?

Gosh op, I am actually gobsmacked at the blatant disrespect of this pair! I would have sat them both down and read the riot act!
What the hell do they think they are playing at, with their secretive meetings, blatant interest if not attraction in/to each other being rubbed into your face! I would be asking what sort of sociopathic wankers intentionally plan their future dalliances together, right in front of you, the heavily pregnant wife! I would tell her to find a husband of her own to go running with and to get the hell out of my home! He would be sent home with her! As they are having a great old time, thinking just how clever they are at fooling the little woman with their 'friend' performance

If you want the pathetic lying scumbag to stay then I would tell him over your dead body will he be going on any romantic marathon getaways with Sweaty Betty his new girlfriend! What a pair of absolute wa*rs!!! I am so angry for you op! I'm sorry but I would be very surprised if this isn't a fully fledged sexual affair. This has gone way past emotional affair, they are sat in your home, on your sofa, planning their romantic getaways for next year! It doesn't get more cheeky fu*er than that!!! Please tell me that you were in the car that brought her to your home, or that you were with him when he took her home. If not they are likely getting off on their great acting as they shg, laughing at having pulled the wool over your eyes. This is horrendous op!!! You deserve so much better!!! Huge apologies for that graphic image, hopefully I am wrong and Sweaty Betty took a taxi/ her own car to yours!

I hate to ask this, but if I am right, then I highly recommend asking for a std check. To protect you and your baby. So many hugs op! I so hope you have thrown him out and you have a friend/ family member close who can come to help you.

Oh, love, that sounds so stressful! I'm so sorry! Tell me at least that he didn't make you do all the work for the dinner!!

In a way, I'm a bit glad the dinner went ahead, as you had the opportunity to witness them together. I'm SO sorry you had to go through it all, though, and most of me, I think, wishes it hadn't happened. Well ALL of me wishes none of it would never have happened to you.

So how did they seem together? How did SHE treat YOU? How much fuss did DH go to for this dinner? Was he affectionate toward you while she was there? What did she look like, eg was she his "type" if he has one?

And FUCK that, your condition being why he LIED.

If I were you, I'd take some time to rest up (as much as I wanted/needed, frankly), build up my nerve, think a lot of things over, analyse their behaviour while I was around, and then as soon as I was up to it, sit him down again and tell him he'd better never dare blame HIS LIES on ME ever again, and that I'm very much not comfortable with any of what he's planning with his new female friend, so either this new, unnecessary friendship with another woman is not happening, or we are through.

AND...

DH said that he was 'trying to save my feelings' and blamed his 'white lies' on how I've been so hormonal lately

WHITE LIES?? The nerve of him!!

White lies are "no, pet, your bum looks fab in those ancient, tatty, too-tight, see-through leggings!" or "oooh mmm, this meatloaf is absoly delicious!"

Saying you fell asleep on the sofa when the fact is you were up for hours texting another woman is a blatant bloody betrayal! On the lie spectrum, that's about as far on the opposite end as it can get without falling off!

Ohh, OP, I'm steaming for you, love. That bit right there just lit me right up!

Just to add a slightly different perspective I was planning an international marathon with male friends a month before DC2 arrived. DH was nothing but supportive of it. The training was tough, long hours out the house leaving him with two young children, time often spent with a single male friend.

It was 100% innocent (I never lied though). I completed the marathon and DH was my biggest supporter.

Trust your instincts, talk about it, let him know how you feel but keep in mind some of the comments here are very quick to judge, perhaps based on personal experience. Don’t start packing a bag and walking out. To me it sounds innocent enough based on my personal experience but talk about it if you aren’t happy.

Good luck with the new baby!

So you are going to have a baby and he , instead of supporting you, is going to start marathon training for hours a week and travelling abroad for them.

I started training when DC2 was 6 weeks old - we also had a three year old. I’m so glad DH didn’t take this view.

Regardless of everything else, you don't set about planning marathons abroad when you're about to have a baby

I missed that memo when I started planning mine just before I gave birth.

The issue is the lying in my view, not making plans. The OP is in her rights to say she would rather he didn’t, or ask she gets an equal amount of child free time to pursue her own leisure activity. I think some of the comments on this thread are overly dramatic and sweeping though.

Well, if you can find the strength to post on mn while bouncing on your birthing ball in front of your dh and the woman he's shagging surely you can find the strength to throw him out?

Op are you starting to think ‘it must be fine, I must be hornonal’ because they say in your house and discussed all this quite reasonably in front of you?
That’s what their intention is...even if they don’t realise it themselves. By not calmly and reasonably saying to dh, ‘this is not ok, I’m not comfortable with this, for both practical and emotional reasons’ you are giving them a green light in their minds...
Please say to your h that what he is doing isn’t ok for you and you need to be his priority. His reaction will be telling-the right thin for him to do would be to just stop this nonsense. The wrong thing would be to react with outrage/‘disbelief’ that you don’t trust him/to tell you it’s all in your mind/he’s going to do it anyway... his reaction will be your answer....

At the start of our marriage I saw that my husband had a text from a friend calling him 'babe'.. I hated myself for looking through his phone but I did and then confronted him.
Even though I knew it meant nothing and she calls pretty much everyone babe, I said to him now he is married he needs to respect me as his wife. That means drawing a line between him and other women. He still has female friends and hangs out with them but there's a line he doesn't cross with them.
The point is, even though what your H is doing is fishy I'm afraid, he should be respecting you and thinking about what his colleagues think of him or you when he spends so much time with her. So no matter his intentions, what he is doing is wrong.
When you have your baby you will love it more than anything and will want the best for it. You will know what to do.
In the meantime, talk to your husband, but stay calm and deal with the situation very slowly. Your health and your baby come first xx

He’s lying, okay they were talking about the trips abroad in front of you but no, something isn’t right. I have female friends but his behaviour is way over the line.

Salty I don't think your situations are comparable, if you were going for dinner at male friends house to discuss your running plans, you would have been the heavily pregnant one and would have had your dh with you. (Or he would at least have been invited and been a part of/ supporter to the running plans.)

This is very different!! 1. There has been no mention of their plans prior to the meal. 2. Op's dh had been having secret meetings/ dates and enjoying long and secretive conversation with the ow! I bet your dh wouldn't have been comfortable with that!!!

Recover your self respect and read him the riot act, or tell him to FO.

It's hard to believe anybody could be such a mug

Gosh OP. Why the heck were YOU making dinner for those two?

So sorry you are going through this OP, especially at what should be a very happy time in your life. Your DH is disrupting your peace of mind and it's not on. This friendship needs to end, and I hope your relationship is important enough to him that he does this. Inviting her for dinner = he wants to have an affair in plain sight, that's all. I bet he has mentionitis too. In younger days I worked for a local authority. Huge building lots of staff, and the number of people having affairs was amazing . I was 25 and had no big thoughts on it all back then. But recalling it all now - so many people having regular daytime/early evening trysts then going home to unsuspecting partners. Then when Xmas party time came around, husband's/wives unknowingly conversing with people who'd been shagging their man/woman. Awful really. It's so easy to have workplace affairs but you don't see it spoken about so much. People are very good at hiding behind "it's only a friend/you are controlling you don't want me to have a friend of opposite sex". I have male friends OH has female friends we will go out in a group occasionally but no one-to-one time with them at all. We are in 100% agreement on that and it works well for us. We don't want that dynamic in our relationship as people can be just too troublesome. But anyway in the 1st instance say No to this woman coming into your personal space, having dinner at your home (cooked by who?!) & as to the rest, hope he sees sense and you get it sorted. You don't need this shit in your life at all. Your DH should be your friend too, but appears to have conveniently forgotten that.

I do believe men and women can be good friends. However if alarm bells are ringing, then alarm bells are ringing.

Has she got a partner?

Salty I don't think your situations are comparable

Yes I agree in that respect as my DH was part of the planning and I certainly didn’t lie. I think marathon runners can be narrow minded and intrinsically selfish in pursuit of their hobby though so I’m just saying it doesn’t immediately mean an affair to me.

I was more against the sweeping statements that you can’t and shouldn’t be planning a marathon with a new baby. It saved me from PND this time round and I wouldn’t want anyone reading this thread from a Google search to be discouraged either themselves or supporting their partner to.