Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

@SandyY2K

I’m not saying your view is wrong I was tackling your supposition that people who don’t inform their equivalent in the other relationship have the,selves been the OW or bury their heads in the sand. I think those analogies were overstepping the mark.

I wasn’t criticising the OP for telling or not I was merely stating that I think she has bigger fish to fry, plus the reality is nobody else EVER knows the full workings or two other people’s private relationship so to save themselves humiliation, further pain or even anger it is perhaps not a bad thing to counsel caution.

Like you say our own experiences in life colour our attitudes about this to some extent. Whilst I would definitely seriously consider the implication of not telling my sister or a very close friend - in terms of what that would mean for their future which is massively personally important to me, as well as the health of our relationship - I would think twice about “enlightening” a total stranger, or someone I really didn’t know at all. There’s a huge difference to me.

It’s not selfish and morally ambiguous it’s more thinking it through carefully and weighing up the consequences in relation to the benefits for all innocent parties concerned.

What if the OW husband had done something like kill himself tonight based on what the OP told him? What if he attacked his wife? Abducted his children? Attacked her husband? Attacked her?

People do crazy things when their world crashes down around them, I don’t know if I would want to run the risk of having blood on my hands because a lot of people on the internet told me it was the ”right” thing to do by informing him his wife was a heartless, self absorbed piece of work (no I know NOT your actual words OP ) and did he want to see the evidence?

Nice one Lollipop.

What if the OWH reads your post and thinks ' what a great idea, I'll attack my cheating wife, abduct my children, kill the other man and attack the messenger '

By your skewed logic, every partner who is cheated on should be left to live in ignorance.

Or maybe you have just put your point of view, very, very clumsily.

OWH: In a padded cell:

It wasn't the fact that my wife was cheating on me, or the fact it broke our family up and broke our children's heart, or even the fact I lost my home and job because I fell into a deep depression. I murdered everyone and tried to mill myself because someone told me she was cheating.

I don't think so.

@serialcheat

So you now think this man is on here reading this do you?

That’s possibly the most paranoid thing I’ve read on here and there’s quite a few contenders.

If you can’t see that the concept of responsibility extends in many directions - when breaking news that may or may not be of an unknown quantity to a relative stranger - then I fail to understand how you can opine the OWH has a right to know and the OP must tell him. You’re contradicting yourself. And badly.

And please read my post carefully. You haven’t. What I said was that there is no right or wrong but it’s wise to consider all possible outcomes. I also distinguished between telling someone I know, love and feel confident whose likely reaction towards a revelation of infidelity I could support / predict, and that of someone I don’t really know from Adam.

I respectfully suggest that the next time you unequivocally insult or patronise someone on here, you’ve at least had the sense to read and digest what they are saying before committing such lumpen crap to the discussion as you have here.

Well done.
That must have been hard.
It's up to him now.
And you can focus on you and DC.

@ Lollipop

I did, I read your post several times. The kindest thing I can say about you is you are being obtuse.

Suggest you change your name, you are far from sweet , SWEET.

You’ve done a very decent thing OP, telling the husband.

Totally ignore any posts berating you for this act of integrity on your part. He heard directly, without malice, without the terrible pain of knowing something is wrong, being gaslighted for years, or finding out a little and never knowing the truth. He’s broken because it’s awful being betrayed but also because he knew something was wrong, and might even have been blaming himself.

That’s all up to him now. I wish to goodness someone had told me about my Ex rather than having the anguish of half truths and piecing it together myself. I may have even been able to escape much, much sooner.

You will get through this. Be easy on yourself. There are plenty of decent and lovely people in this world. Lean on friends they will help you.

@ Lollipop

I also suggest you come off Facebook, switch your laptop off and go to bed, you have school in the morning.

Autumn

Lovely message.

Lollipop ... I think the difference in you and I ... is that I would advise a stranger online in a similar manner as I would a friend and I've used those very words before.

I genuinely want the best for them ... but that's my line of work ... help and support.

The situations I described earlier have been seen in a professional capacity ... so it's not the odd friend of mine her and there.

Just because you don't know someone personally is no reason to not inform them, especially when their spouse has become a third party in your relationship.

I'm not here to get into an argument or be unkind to anyone and some things we just need to agree to disagree on .... but whether a betrayed spouse chooses to inform the OBS or not ... should absolutely never be up for other posters to insult, mock or challenge, as has been the case here. It's just not on IMO.

....You know a few men and women are actually scared to tell the OBS, because their spouse may run to them once the OBS kicks them out.

Sandy

Well put.

My issue with Lollipops post is she seems to be implying that if the OWH strings himself up with his wife's new underwear on the stair bannister, then the Op would share blame in such a tragedy.

Which is rubbish. As you stated, the OWH husband could / might be going through several kinds of Hell, anyway, because he strongly suspects, but has no proof, that something is going on.

Most men understand that if their wife cheats, and they split up, divorce, whatever, the biggest loser will be them. The wife will statistically keep the house, the kids, possessions etc, etc.

But if he knows, he can plan, prepare, take legal advice or even seek to salvage his marriage.

Ignorance is not always bliss

*Lollipop
*
Trying to put all things in the context of this thread and the information shared, you seem to be missing the point that the OW herself expressed no concerns about her husband being told - Quite the opposite!

The speculation bullshit scaremongering on this thread is amazing!!!

I think this issue is not black and white. And not worth getting so wound up about.

I asked my DH if he had preferred that the wife of the OM contacted him to tell him what was going on. He said yes.

I however, was very glad not to have known them my exh had cheated on me from our engagement onwards. When he informed me it was 2 days after our divorce. I no longer loved him so didn’t care. Thereby saving me the heartbreak.

I was friends with a couple. He cheated on her a lot and not very discretely. I never told her despite her becoming a very close friend because she loved him and would have been devastated. When she did finally work it out I answered all questions. But this was after she left him. And had fallen out of love with him.

I’m not sure that I made the right decision. I didn’t want to provoke a breakup. I liked them both, but didn’t respect him much. I didn’t want to get shot as the messenger. I also wanted her not to be hurt, especially as she was in a dark place already.

@NameWithChange so what if the OW didn’t express any concerns about her husband being told? What clue is that as to his mental state? All it tells me for sure is she is self absorbed or that she might be calling the OPs bluff. There are no “facts” about him at all.

@SandyY2K with the greatest of respect you don’t know on what capacity I have formed my opinions. furthermore I didn’t say I would or wouldn’t definitively tell someone on the basis of how much I knew them, end of ; but that my knowledge as to their capacity to cope with that sort of news and my ability to support them in the immediate aftermath would certainly influence my subsequent decision.

and finally your fragrant comment @serialcheat :it would be lovely to only have to get up and get ready for school in the morning. I wish. Instead I’m almost 39 weeks pregnant with a baby that is the product of an abusive relationship with a wretchedly awful man. I’m living out of suitcases at my mothers house with two tiny children, no job and a terrifying custody battle raging. I don’t have a Facebook account. What I do have are a lot of unpainted legal bills, a car that needs taxing, a hospital bag to pack and the possibility that I am in labour whilst breaching a Court Order. I had to sign a temporary declaration of parental responsibility to my ageing mother this week in case I die whilst in labour. Trust that’s not too obtuse for you. We all have shit to deal with.

I also happen to know of someone who was told in a similar manner as here, by her the husband of the woman her partner had been caught cheating with. She took it quite calmly at the time, didn’t even mention it to her partner as it hadn’t sunk in, but sadly tried to take her own life the next day when the kids were at school, when alone and it finally hit her, such was her devastation. She recovered but I think you see my point.

I actually have far more to worry about but I still am concerned at how many people on this thread feel it their business to say someone has a right to know, tell them - and some of you have suggested doing so in ways that most certainly could cause huge humiliation and trauma - but that the aftermath or the consequences of such a revelation / confirmation can be brushed to one side. Life doesn’t work like that. Or at least it shouldn’t.

I don’t regret pointing out the possible ramifications of breaking news like this to someone in a way that might have dreadful repercussions.

You must be able to justify in your own mind that what you did was genuinely the best thing in the circumstances. You are not responsible for causing the pain and unhappiness but being an innocent victim of this yourself does not mean that you don’t carry the can for what you do and how you react. Sorry if that’s too practical and bitter a pill for some of you to swallow but two wrongs don’t make a right.

This thread is all about how poor choices and lack of thought for another person has wrought a dreadful impact on several innocent lives. Dropping a bomb on someone then walking away from the fallout is clearly not as morally bankrupt as the behaviours which caused this in the first place but the effect it has could be equally devastating.

If people can’t see that through their anger and incredulity then that concerns me greatly.

Im sorry but the op hasnt ruined this guys life, his wife did that for him . of course she should have told him his wife and her husband have betrayed them both and he would end up a fool well done op hell tha k you for it x

@Teensandfuture - of course, the affair ended last summer, OW had her baby 2 weeks ago.

@lollipop7 It gives you the best indication possible, from the person who presumably knows him well, that he isn't violent (she's not scared of him), isn't abusing her (she didn't declare any of this or beg for him not to be told) and isn't of a fragile state of mind (she didn't express any concern of this at all).

All I am saying is that in this instance all of the extreme scenarios that posters are suggesting don't seem to be a concern to his wife and surely she would have mentioned them if they were.

I wish we could drop this now and stop theorising, it's done, the OP has had a shit enough time and as I said before it would be nice to cut her some slack all things considered.

Hope you are doing ok this morning OP.

Lollipop7 by far has more sence and thinking ability then few combined posters here.
Serialcheat try to make valid points and dont insult posters when run out of reasoning and arguments.

Well done OP, you are doing amazingly and have done the right thing.

OW is a brazen cow who is not your problem (she didn't think twice about your well-being).

MN can get a little strange sometimes and posters get carried away with their opinions, remember you are just a face behind a screen to them and they don't know you or your situation. Trust your gut and listen to your friends' advice.

Stay strong and focus on yourself and DC

I think it’s worth everyone stepping back and acknowledging that whilst this is an emotive issue; no posters on MN are required to take the advice offered - and in this case, people strongly advocated both sides.

In the end, OP has to answer to herself. She made a call on what to do; she did it.

Jesus, some of you are waaaay too invested. I hope you don't treat your friends in real life like you are treating the anonymous OP here: "I'll support you, but only if you do EXACTLY AS I SAY". Controlling, much?

It's up to her what she does, and how she handles this. We can offer gentle advice and points of view, but we have to recognise her right, as an independent and capable adult, to make her own decisions. She is living in the situation, and has all kinds of information that we don't have. Above all, whatever our own views, there is a woman behind the screen who is going through a terrible ordeal with this discovery, and trying to hold things together. She needs support, not a bunch of people projecting at her for their own selfish or weird reasons.

Ladies - This post is about the op and the horror of finding out about her husband. It's gone away from her and its all about you lot getting the upper hand. Take a deep breath and relax. I hope your doing ok this morning op ?

Some of you really should take this squabbling elsewhere. How is it helping the OP?

Ignore the trolls.

You did the right thing telling him, it couldn't have been easy for you either. Your doing brilliantly, focus on you & your dc and try to have a nice weekend.

Saying this as someone who was pregnant and engaged and cheated on and not told by many many friends for a long time, found out finally by someone that had the decency to finally tell me actually tired to commit suicide (as Lollipop said someone may) I in no way hold the person who told me to blame. I’m grateful to them.

I hold my ex and the people that kept quiet to blame.