Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP, I’ve read your post from the start. You’ve absolutely done the right thing in telling OW’s DH. Though it may have ‘broke the poor guy’ he deserves to know the truth about his marriage! I’m amazed/enraged that others have suggested your actions were cruel/wrong. You are acting with a lot of dignity given the awful situation you find yourself in. I believe you’ve 100 percent done the right thing

Well opinions vary, Anna, as they always will, with women who've been on the receiving end of betrayal themselves, including myself.

I haven’t read the full thread just yet, however I do want to just put my experience in & thoughts a year onwards from the same thing as you OP.

I confronted the OW before confronting DH. The OW was almost itching to tell me the details & couldn’t want to see me, it was sickening. I confronted DH & he shamefully admitted to everything. I wanted to tell the OW’s Husband but he was under the impression it was all my DH’s fault so I left them to it. Karma has served its purpose. A year on & DH & I are still working through things slowly but surely, OW has just had a baby with her soon to be ex husband. Apparently the baby isn’t her husbands.

Do I think telling her husband & showing the evidence I had would have helped? Maybe. I’m not sure what it would have done in terms of helping me, I was more interested in dealing with my marriage & my family rather than what lay in store for the OW. I still want her to rot in hell. 😁

The people throwing their toys out of their prams because the OP dared not to follow their orders

It's only right and decent that he knows. If he now chooses to bury his head in the sand then that's his perogative, but at least he can make an informed decision.

Well done. You are managing this so well. Have you had more contact from your husband?

@Glitterpony51

If your daughter came to you and said "mum, my DH has been doing xyz" and showed you the evidence, what would you do?

You owe him nothing, he deserves to crawl and beg for your forgiveness. Let him experience the horror you are going through now, the pain, only he needs to feel crushing shame, guilt and terror at losing his lovely wife, kids and home.

You can do this. Tell him he's easily replaceable. Nothing special after all, you were obviously wrong and judged him to be a better man than he is. Men hate to think that they're replaceable.

Or better still post his fb posts on a billboard/placards with her name too if it makes you feel better. You can make them yourself and put them around his haunts!

I think you have done the right thing OP. You are in no way culpable for what OWs husband does with the information, OW and your H are 100% responsible.

User I really feel that you did the right thing. It can’t have been easy for you, but I’m in the “I’d want to know” camp. Well done

Glitter

CoconutGal are you sure the baby isnt your husband's?

^^ my thoughts exactly!

@crimsonlake

Really sad and disappointed that you felt you had to tell him despite what many of us on here who have been in the same situation advised you.

Who did you think you are? Her personal advisor. A relationship expert?
Get over yourself please.

She did the decent thing ...instead of being part of the shenanigans. It's a shame you can't respect her decision.

Very wayward thinking indeed.

Even though I'm in favour of the OBS knowing ... I would never respond negatively following whatever choice they made.

@Itsonkyme

Informing someone their being cheated on is a bad thing is it.

I think this in favour of saying nothing come from an OW background. Either that or you prefer to bury your heads in the sand.

@SandyY2K did you really write that those of us how have said they don’t think OP should have told the OWH “come from the OW background?”

Please tell me you don’t actually mean that?

And for the record what makes you think that people who chose to remain quiet and perhaps leave other wondering are burying their heads in the sand?

Perhaps it’s their way of coping, quietly beavering away with as little drama as possible. Just because they’re not pouring hellfire and brimstone doesn’t mean their moral compass needs resetting or they’re ignorant.

It’s a very individual thing, personally if stuff is going on I would want to know so I am not in the dark

I genuinely don’t get this idea that you shouldn’t tell a betrayed spouse. Is it kinder to let them find out later and realise they’ve been living a lie for years? Is it nicer to discover you’ve been cheated on when you get an STI? In this case the OP has said the woman’s husband had noticed a change in her behaviour so he must already have been suspicious. He wasn’t blissfully ignorant.

Wow. Some posts are shocking Sorry you have had to read them OP, you've got enough on your plate without people judging you for your decision so nastily.

I think you have behaved admirably, decently and with as much respect as possible given the awful circumstances.

Hopefully now the shock of it all can start to fade and, as you said you can focus on you and your DCs with no more nasty surprises. I hope you have some support with you tonight.

@crimsonlake and @Itsonkyme Did you miss the part where the OW told the OP:

Her husband apparently will forgive her anyways so I'm free to tell him.

It seems his own wife isn't bothered about him finding out so I don't understand how you can make the nasty comments you are about OPs decision? She has had a pretty shit week by anyones standards, please cut her some slack.

Op, stay strong.

Ignore some of the naysayers on here. You've given the OWH a great gift, the gift of knowledge, with which he can now make his own decisions.
It's not about revenge or spite at all.

He already had strong suspicions that something wasn't right, noticing a marked change in his wife's behaviour, her spending large amounts of time upstairs,alone, and buying sexy underwear that obviously wasn't for his benefit, ( Not that a woman can't buy sexy underwear for herself and to make her feel good ), but in this case, it was to make her AND your husband feel good.

Glitter

How are you holding on !?

And for the record what makes you think that people who chose to remain quiet and perhaps leave other wondering are burying their heads in the sand?

Because for the life of me, I don't understand why you wouldn't inform another betrayed spouse their being cheated on.

Why leave them wondering, or in the dark when you know something so important like this?

If my husband was having an affair I'd want to know. Why would I want something so important kept from me? That's why I think another betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth.

Whilst I think informing the OBS is right ... there's no way I would criticise a poster's decision not to tell them..the way people have done here.
It's like saying you know better than they do..... about their situation ... which I don't believe anyone has the right to do quite frankly.

Having seen women go through the stress of IVF, see betrayed husbands/wives buy houses, seeing those who weren't married get married and make other life changing decisions... all while the OBS knew about the affair and said nothing probably affects my view on this.

How would you feel if you knew your partner was having an affair ... while you were going through cycle after cycle of IVF and the OWs husband knew about it? Because I've seen this result in a mental breakdown ....which could have been prevented... because she wouldn't have had a child with him If she knew about his affair.

It's the disrespect about the OPs decision that I find most annoying.

What a horrible situation.

Nothing useful to add. Wishing you well though. Your husband is a piece of shit.

Fuck! What's with the judging of OP? She's the victim here and it's up to her how she responds and who she tells - not some sanctimonious patronising bags online.

This is how it is. The betrayed getting
snidey criticism - can't we just give her support and kindness?

Keep strong OP. Big hugs.