DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Well it’s the stages of grief. THis is the anger part now. Trouble is it’s not linear. How you feel today maybe be different to how you feel tomorrow.
Take care of yourself op. I’m glad you are getting some space from him. You need it for clarity of thought.

It is really, really hard to realise the person you love(d) is not the person you thought they were.
Are you going to be able to go back to work and see if it helps to have some external focus?
It really is one step at a time.

Yep heading back to work on Monday. I really like my job and my colleagues are ace, so I think that will be good. Thinking about me now which is what I need to do, in order to be a good mum and also deal with this shit situation.

My friend said to me that there are two kinds of selfish, one where you put yourself first to look after your mental and physical health so you can do what you need to do, work well, be a good enough mum etc. The other kind is where you put your wants and needs above those you love without thought about the effect of this on others. I will do the first because I am important but also because my children are. He is the latter and he will have to do a hell of a lot of work to prove otherwise.
If he can't I know it will be shitty but that me and the kids will be ok (sorry about crap grammar but I don't care!).

Can't sleep again, feel fucking awful again. Hate the night.

I'm so sorry you're having such a horrible time. My ex-husband had many affairs. I lost my Mum 15 years ago and rather than be there for me he was off cheating. It took me a long time to leave him. Sending squidges

You are doing brilliantly op...your attitude is spot on.
Everything seems worse at night.hope you dropped off eventually.

I had a long period of insomnia due to personal circumstances and the way I resolved it was meditation. I have a mindfulness app, but there is also a great website by someone called Tara Brach (google her name).

She does talks as well which are about 50 minutes and free to download (she does ask for a donation, but you can choose what you can afford). I used to put my headphones on and listen to her, then it got to the stage her voice would send me to sleep, and now I can sleep without anything. (I still listen to Tara Brach when I am doing the ironing though, she is great for feeling more at peace with the world)

The other thing, make sure you are not hungry at night time, no screen time before sleep - the usual sleep hygiene, which I am sure you know.

I also keep a journal, where I write everything down. That has helped too, i have done it for nearly two years.

Hope you are not too exhausted today.

Sorry, just realised that was entirely unsolicited advice, hope you don’t mind!

Thanks cocoa it is helpful. I just wake up in the night and my heart is thumping and everything comes to the surface.

We have councelling today too, which I guess is making me nervous.

I'm keeping a journal too, it's extremely vitriolic!

It’s normal to be nervous; I went through a phase where I had to take diazepam before I saw ex!

I hope the counselling is okay; what do you think of the counsellor? Do you think she will be able to help? I guess it depends what you want out of it.

I'm not sure what I want from councelling yet. I think just a starting point to move forward from if that makes sense?
We had an initial appointment with someone and the have been allocated this councelling, so not met her yet, but if she doesn't click I will find the right one.
Just feel totally churned up today.
H is taking kids to his Mums tonight and am nervous about a night on my own, usually I'd really enjoy that!

I saw your post and had to comment as I really identify with some of your posts.

Don’t worry about the counselling. It was a year ago next week I found out my husband was having an affair. We went into counselling in the same way, I never knew what I was going to talk about but the counsellor made sure there was.
What I would say, after a year of hindsight, is that people will say you should both look into individual counselling. And back then I thought it was unnecessary , because I had the couple counselling.

I realise now, finding the right INDIVIDUAL counsellor was actually almost worth more to our marriage. I stupidly used the same marriage counsellor as an individual too and it was not a good idea.

I do note though that you say you don’t want to tell the OW husband, and I would say to reconsider when you feel a bit stronger. This man is being lied to, too. And he deserves to know , just like you did too. Right now the poor sod doesn’t have any control, he’s with a piece of work and he doesn’t know it.

Be careful who you talk to. And remember the shame is on THEM. Not you

Thanks for your post Animation. Are you still with your husband? Do you feel you can trust him again?
The OW H has found out anyway, I guess she must have told him.

In the house on a Sunday morning without the kids here, I hate it.

I am unsure. It will never ever be 100% that’s for sure. I’ve seen evidence to suggest he sure as hell doesn’t want to attempt that again too (I’ve found stuff from his counselling, a diary and his membership on another forum)

I guess I wouldn’t still be around if I didn’t see he was making the effort. I can’t trust what is said to me at face value so seeing things he thinks I can’t, helps.

I’ve got two small girls, one with special needs, it made it a lot harder just to up and leave.

It’s changed my way of thinking, I guess I’ve lost faith in men and and the meaning of marriage. That’s up to him to help fix.

I guess what I’m saying is both of you have to be invested and a little “fake it til you make it” from my side helps a little.

It would never work if I couldn’t say what I feel whenever I like. And I do. Sometimes I’m brutal. But if you can’t communicate, then that’s an issue. There needs to be true remorse

How do you know the OW’s husband knows, if your H has cut contact?

She rang on speaker phone with her H in the background to say it was over. He showed me her message and then took the call.

No idea how he know she must have told him or he found out.

Well hopefully that’s hammered home that he’s helped fuck someone else’s family over as well as his own.

It's hard, I am still totally consumed by conflicting emotions, I am so angry with him, so hurt, I don't trust him, I miss him, I love him, I am hugely disappointed in him, I don't have much respect for him righ tnow.

So all those fundamentals of our friendship and our marriage, mainly mutual trust and respect, are in tatters.

He is working hard. He is saying he is sorry, he is showing that in his actions and behaviour, he is respecting my space and staying elsewhere, he is picking up the slack as I am back at work, (as he should and would have done normally tbh). I just need time. Counselling was really hard and painful. For me. For him.

He is being open, he is answering every question over and over again, he is accepting of my feelings and takes full blame for what happens. So I guess we have some sort of starting point. I am still stuck though, how can I believe him? How can I trust him? The same bloody thoughts over and over. And although I love him dearly, this kind of betrayal is very deep and hurtful, it has destroyed everything that underpinned us, and me. So I have been forced to take a long look at myself and the result is, that although I am in turmoil, I am strong, although I love him, it's not at any cost, I would be ok alone. So I guess reconciling my thoughts is hard and will take time and I feel to sad and angry to make a decision or commitment.

And the thought of Christmas and New Year just makes me feel physically sick, this year can just fuck the fuck off.

Christmas is just one day op...if you aren’t feeling it this year (understandably) then do it as low key as you can, batten down the hatches and be gentle with yourself.

He sounds like he’s doing all the right things which is a positive. But you are right-it’s an attack to the foundations of the marriage and yourself-it makes everything rock. You sound like your head is in the best place it could be under the circs...take care

Hi, I posted before but have NC. I just wanted to say you can take all the time you need to be sure of how you feel and what you want to do, it is early days yet

Don’t worry about Christmas as a previous poster said just go with whatever you feel is right for you, if that’s a low key day so be it. Glad you’ve had counselling and he’s being open with you. You don’t realise what a massive head fuck it’s going to be. How can you be calmish one minute thinking their may be a future to a screaming mad woman the next hating his guts? Mine’s still not booked counselling, taken the promised time off work, been open or honest so I just don’t know what I’m going to do. He has made all this about himself and how he is the victim. Even though I’ve said I just need for a short time for it to be about me so I can get over the initial hurt. I know I’m not helping that I need to all the details. I know for some it’s enough to know they’ve cheated and don’t want to know the rest but I want to know everything. He ha e me some dates for when they had sexual which didn’t add up with where he was working. Then though some digging I found out one of the times was the day after my son’s birthday and all the extended family were going for a meal, he kept us all waiting because he’d been held up at work - nope he’s been fucking another woman. It’s not the actual affair, I think in time I’d be able to heal from that it’s the lies and bullshit he’s told since I found out. Xx