DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Whatdoido that sounds rubbish. Every time they do t tell the truth or you discover another lie it's like rediscovering all over again. I think my H thought he was shielding me from the details and possibly himself by not telling the whole truth initially. What I found hard is it took two or three confrontations to get to what I can only believe is the truth, but it would have been so much easier if he had come completely clean at the start.
The councelling person said that you can only really start to move on when the whole truth is out there.... and even then I think there other factors which are important too.

Two books for you both that would be good are “After The Affair” and “Not just Friends” I’m not even a reader but I found some help in “Not Just Friends”

Thanks animation. We have both read just good friends, there are lots of interesting points and perspectives, however I am not keen on the shared blame aspect and to me it feels like they advocate staying together and cutting the unfaithful partner loads of slack. For me, I can see H's pov, but don't feel it is an excuse. Our marriage was not in a bad place, we had both had a hard year and talked and supported each other. This is his fault and his weakness, not mine. But yes, reading the book together has made me see a lot of my reactions are normal and I need to take time to work through.

Had a totally shit day at work. Some other people in my office were talking about see spiritualists and feelings they'd had associated with a dead loved one and it really upset me and made me think of my sister. So i thought I'd listen to Spotify when I was doing some admin and as I went through my playlists I saw some that H had put on there which were obs about the OW. So that made me angry and want to cry. So I went and sat In The car and just decided to call it a day.
Hardly slept last night and just feeling tired and drained.
H has picked up kids from school and is making dinner and brim kind. Will talk to him about the playlists tonight before he goes. Am so bored of my thoughts and these conversations and the feeling of anxiety in my chest.

threedog just trying to catch up with your thread. Working backwards and only did 2 pages as it’s like reading my own thoughts. It’s totally shit isn’t it. But we are strong, we can get through this in whichever way we choose. Hugs.

Oh no poor you. When you find something like that it’s that awful sick feeling all again. Make the most of him being willing to do all the jobs, you need a break emotionally and physically. Must have been a day for bad days at work. I had to keep stopping and taking deep breaths or I’d have just burst into tears numerous times. The thing is I do take some of the blame for what he’s done, after all is done it to him. It’s the lies and deceit since that’s cutting me up and he almost has a smug look on his face. I’ve booked myself in for a massage and some healing and see how i feel after that. He’s still not booked us any couple’s counselling even though he’s only been in the office all day so he has had plenty of opportunity to. I know what you mean about feeling bored with feeling like this but then something happens and the strong feelings just keep being brought to the surface xx

Oh god, reading that spotify playlist thing makes me want to punch him in his stupid sad face. I’m angry for you Op.

Things like this drive me nuts. Playlist was essentially a genre that's all about love and heartache and there are lots of similar playlists before OW was on scene. So this makes me think I'm being paranoid and reading double meanings i to stuff that's not there. I hate feeling like this.
Excuse all my typos am crap on my phone

I've never given a second thought throughout our relationship as to where he might be or with whom. For me these kind of doubts and suspicions might make this too hard. Does anyone ever get through this to rebuild trust?

Queen you are right, we are strong and we will get through this. It's bloody relentless though. I really want a good nights sleep.

I’m nearly 2 years on and the truth is still sleeping out.
It’s relentless xxx
💐

Seeping

Yeah. It must gave been a bad day at the office today. I called it a day at 3 today as I found myself staring at computer not really capable of doing anything. The sleepless nights are starting to catch up with me. You can only go so long on 3hours max. I have started seeing little black space invaders. Surely that's not good.

Three the Spotify thing really resonates with me, I totally get it.

Have read your whole thread and I think you’re doing brilliantly, I kicked my XH out (after 23 years, 2 DC) the day he admitted being involved with someone else but the shared Spotify continued to torture me - late night love playlists just rubbed my nose in it.

It was a seemingly minor thing but totally sealed it for me.

Listen to your gut, you’ll get there x

Forme, yes, it's that level of intimacy. Music is something we totally share a love for and to share that intimacy with someone else is awful.
I hope you are doing ok now.

It's these seemingly small things that are actually massive parts of our marriage and that keep us together through all the good and rubbish times and now even the small things seem violated.

user21 It's shit isn't it. Sending you strength

Constant, yeah there's only so much screen staring you can do. Hopefully I will manage 8 hours tomorrow. I was hoping work would be a distraction, but it's hard to concentrate.

three I went back to work today and I managed half and hour before I was sobbing in the loo! Stayed for about 2 hours and aiming for the same today. Small steps x

Oh Queen. So sorry to hear. But baby steps. I used work as distraction for last six months but feel that's no longer working. I'm doing the sobbing in loo too.

Oh gosh Queen and Constant how horrible for you. I’ve just emailed Cuntface’s work to say she’s been having an affair with my husband and I’m letting them know because a lot of the phone calls and texts happened during working hours. He’s showing me no remorse or anything so felt I had to get back at her sometime. I don’t regret it but I hate how all this is turning me into a psycho!

Whatdoido have you asked him to leave? Then you can have some space and focus on you. This has really helped me. Initially H went for a weekend but not it's nearer 10 days and the space is really helping me.
I needed to be away from him as he made me feel so angry. And he thought I was punishing him (note it's all about him).
Now the penny has dropped, he is respecting my need for space and is processing what a very different future might look like. We are actually able to talk and he is listening to me and disclosing what I ask. Which is fucking horrible really, but at least it's a start.
If he's not remorseful ask him to move for your own well being.
Do you have support around you in RL? Let people who can help you know, it makes a difference.
Well done on emailing work. I would love to email the OW's work, she has an extremely senior position in a local school and has used her work email address to co duct the affair, am sure the governors would be impressed by her level of professionalism. But I feel like I would be doing it for the wrong reasons for me, so I am sitting on my hands!

Queen hope work went better. I had a much smoother day but not plain sailing.

Go whatdo. Sometimes it’s good to unleash the inner psycho!

three work was much better today thanks. Still left after about 3 hours as found myself being really ineffectual.

I find now that the deep visceral pain has healed slightly (and I mean slightly) which has left confusion and sadness in its place. I miss him. Ridiculous I know. Not the him that has been a shit for the past 9 months but the person he was before that. We’ve had so many chats about things and how we’d do things differently and I realise just how much we’d grown apart without really realising. I’m not accepting any blame and he’s not expecting any and whatever was going on was in no way whatsoever an excuse to fuck someone else but I realise we weren’t as close as we once were.

He seems genuinely remorseful and has already made some changes. I really don’t know what the future holds because I’m still in no way ready to forgive or forget but maybe it’s possible. I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll be mad and angry again!!

The Andrew Marshall books are good. We are both reading one called how Can I ever trust you again and I’ve read another one about affairs that he wrote. They’re much better than the not just friends one.

God whattodo that's awful. Emailing her work they are going to think you are batshit crazy but needs must I guess!

Queen we are reading the Andrew Marshall one and still at the second stage I think.
Glad work was better. Definitely not been a very productive few days but better than sitting at home.
I could pretty
Much write what you said in your post word for word x

This:
^I could pretty
Much write what you said in your post word for word^
I keep having to do a double take. Seem to be having parallel lives. I'm fortunate to have a dear friend who knows. Not sure i could have managed without her.

I don’t care if they think I’m batshit crazy because at the moment I am!! All my life I’ve been a people pleaser and not wanted to do something to embarrass or hurt anyone well fuck her, my marriage and family are falling apart let her be embarrassed at work for a bit. He’s finally booked Relate after I lost it with him last night. I’ve asked him to move out but he won’t and I can’t go anywhere with 4DC. The kids asked last night why we kept arguing when normally we’re always kissing and hugging - yep the poor man never got any attention and affection off me - bull shit!! So I’ve told him we just can’t be shouting! Three I’m so pleased he’s opening up to you. Queen going to have a look at those books. It is sad when you realise that while life was happening, you take your eye off the ball and you’ve drifted apart without even realising xx

What sending you hugs, it's bloody horrible and we are with you x