DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

I'm just finding this so hard and the thought of moving forward, getting through this just seems so overwhelming. I wish this wasn't happening.

I know how you feel but this is NOT your humiliation.
It's his and you really need to get your around that.
It takes time but please believe us all when we say this is not YOU.
It's all him.
The loneliness is awful.
Please try to spend some time with people who know about this and you can talk things through with.
Can you get out to the gym or something similar?
A long brisk walk.
The adrenalin will give you a bit of a boost.

Everyone is at work and I don't have the energy to go through it all again. I just can't believe this is happening. I am totally floored. I haven't been to work for over a week either.
I just feel so sad and angry, constant changing emotions are exhausting and I just want it all to stop and for everything to be normal. And I know that's not possible. I just don't know where I am going to find the strength to do this. I really wish my mum was here.

I’m a week in from finding out my husband cheated and it is exhausting. Feeling fine one minute to despair the next. I had an affair a few years ago and saw the devastation it caused him. For me I could never ever do that again. It’s not who I am, it was a major mistake I made and will live to regret till the day I die. So because he’s done it once doesn’t mean he’d do it again, but he has to show you he is sorry. It is the transparency that is important. Mine still isn’t being like that and is on his phone and computer a lot still. He’s not even really showing me he’s sorry. The one big mistake we made was not getting any counselling, I told my husband absolutely everything and then every time he tried to talk to me about it I shut him down because he knew everything and I couldn’t bear to talk about it. Please don’t do this. Keep on talking to each other, don’t hide you’re feelings, tell him exactly how he’s made you feel. I’d hate for you to smooth over the cracks only for the shit to hit the fan years later like it has for us xx

Thanks Whatdoido, sorry you're in the same boat.
It's crap and I am a reflective person, I don't see this in black and white. People make mistakes. But I can't handle the lies and secrecy. We have talked and talked and talked and he says he's told me everything but I don't think he has. I do t think he gets it.
I think men react differently to women about this, but that isn't an excuse. I'm am so bloody angry and hurt. The bastard. I really am. His behavior has been so disrespectful, as much as I might want things to be ok right now I don't think I am in a place where it will work.

We have had one councelling session and it was useful, have another one lined up.

We are talking and talking but I just don't believe a word he says, I am filled with doubt.

You know in your gut when he’s not telling you the whole truth. I am not an emotional person at all (think this is part of the problem) but he has seen me cry, scream, and beg him to tell me the whole truth and he would look me in the eyes and say he hadn’t done anything. I found a dick pic on our shared photo stream and he said it was to see where he had some pain!!!!!! He made me feel like I was going mental until drip by drip it came out. Inappropriate texts, then pictures and then i lied and said I’d had everything on his phone recovered and I knew they’d had sex and he finally told me. He wouldn’t have though i don’t think if I hadn’t said that. So how can I believe anything he says now? I know I sound like such a hypocrite after what I did but I suppose I know he knows everything and I’d never do it again whereas I just don’t feel like that with him. I told him in a fit of anger not to book any counselling and guess what he hasn’t, it just seems that he doesn’t care. Don’t blame yourself for anything that has happened.youve suffered enough this year and you are amazing that you are managing to see things do have a grey area because no matter what people say life does get in the way of things sometimes. I’m so glad you’ve started counselling but you need to make it totally clear to him that you won’t be able to move on unless you know the whole truth xxx

What is stopping you from ending the marriage? Is it fear of being on your own? Your DC being upset? Having to move house?

It's easy for me to say, but deciding to divorce may be better than the agony you are currently going through trying to repair this relationship. I've always believed that once the trust has been broken, respect is lost so there is no point continuing being with someone. That's just my opinion and I admire you for even considering to stay with your husband after what he did.

All of the things you say are stopping me and that I love him, and am holding onto some hope, but at what cost?

I am a strong person and I know I can do this alone. I have amazing women around me who manage and thrive.

I just feel so alone. It's the loneliness of this.

And I can't cope with much more this year.

I just don't believe a word he says

That’s because he’s killed the root of any healthy relationship - trust.

I think we need more time apart now. I can't live like this, it's too much.

I need to feel calm and safe in my own space and I need a break from him. I only have the energy for me and the kids right now, he'll have to wait.

Your last post is spot on!
You do need calm in your own space right now.
And I hope he can give you that!
I know it's hard, but normality really helped me through.
So going to work had to be done.
Not that I was massively productive but it got me away from the house.
It meant I had to fake it to get through the day.
I kept busy.
I had others around me and had to put on a brave face.
It's fucking hard - no doubt about it.
But it helped, having to do all that rather than dwell on things at home.

Thanks hellsbells. I love my job too, and it's no good sitting round here. I have a big commute but I could drop hours for a while so I can drop kids off.
I don't want him turning up to do the school run every morning, I really need space.

Hopefully they will understand and let you do that.
Better for them than having you signed off with stress for weeks on end, surely!

Am sure they will they are very supportive, and ironically my job is to do with emotionalwellbeing.

I think it is a case of one thing at a time.

You need to feel calm and have space from him = he needs to move out while counselling proceeds. This does not stop him being your children’s father.

I think you also could slowly get back into a work routine, even if it is less than what you would normally do. This will get you out of the house and to be ‘you’ for the part of the day.

The rest will sort itself out, which ever way. The only thing you need to take care of is how you feel now. Draw on RL support and things which remind you who you are and what you enjoy.

Yep, this needs to be calm and measured, there has been enough madness recently.
I actually feel quite clear now about what I want and need for me and the kids and am putting us first.
I am going to stay with a friend tonight because I just need to talk to someone and have a good cry. He can move out tomorrow to his mums Have the kids up there on Saturday night. They are used to going there anyway and I just do t want him here.

I think that sounds a good plan op

I'm feeling much calmer, it's good having my own space with the kids. The more I think about it the more I despise his actions and think he's the pathetic one. I am losing all respect I had for him. And although I miss him terribly, I know, that whatever happens, I will be ok. I am putting the kids and me first, unlike him. Arsehole.

you miss the person you thought he was and that is hard to come to terms with. I hope you and the DC have a restful weekend.

I feel like I'm detaching from him. It's strange.

Has the penny dropped that he’s going to lose you yet? Is he making more effort?

He is making more effort but it's not enough. I don't want to be around him.