DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

@Queen I'm glad he's consistent. That sounds encouraging. If he really wants you back he'll know when to back off and give you space.

God I hate him at the moment. How can he have fucked it all up so badly? Our future, the children’s everything. Selfish bastard and all to shag a woman who had already been having an affair with his married friend for months. How I’m resisting telling his wife I do not know!!!!

Morning all. what I’ll join you in the hate corner this morning. He’s sent me a text saying he misses me. I sent him one back telling him he was hardly missing me 2 months ago when fucking her.

Aw Queen are you feeling any better? I just don’t know how to act. I don’t want him near me but I do. I don’t want him to try and hug me etc but I do. I actually feel like I’m going out of my mind. Last night I said how could he be over her they weren’t ready to finish! Even when I’d found the dock pic and was accusing him none stop of cheating he carried on phoning and texting her. I just don’t know how I’m going to get over this!

Oh what I know exactly what you mean. Today was hard and I managed to hold it together at work and on the school run and then just sobbed and sobbed when I got home. Feeling a bit better now but feeling very hurt and angry today.

Queen does your H them ask what’ve I done, why are you being like this today you were fine yesterday?? I’m sorry you’ve had a rubbish day! The hurt is worse than the anger because at least when we’re angry we can vent xx

what to be fair to him he’s very understanding when I’m hurt and sending texts to hurt him. I know why today is like this-it’s our anniversary on Monday and I’m fucking dreading it. It’s like it’s there waiting to hurt me and taunt me. Also with advent calendars starting tomorrow the kids are getting excited about Christmas and wanting the decorations and tree up. I just want Christmas to fuck off. I can’t deal with it, it’s going to be so fucking painful.

I’m so glad he’s understanding towards you Queen, that must help you greatly. Mine’s not at all. He said he’s taken enough abuse off me (name calling etc) and that’s he going to “fuck off as he’s had enough”. I know I absolutely love Christmas, would be getting all excited about Elf on the Shelf etc. I just can’t think of anything worse at the moment.

To be fair H hates our anniversary as I was having my affair at that time. That’s why we said if this ever worked we’d get married again and have a new date, new rings everything - not sure if that’ll be happening. Xx

I’m never putting my wedding ring back on. He trashed our vows so it’s meaningless now. If it works he can get me a new commitment ring.

I don’t know who to turn to this morning. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I’m not feeling suicidal as such but I just want the hurt to go away. I feel so alone. He’s the person I would normally turn to and he’s the person who caused this.

Oh Queen. Do you have to go to work today or can you just get in bed for a few hours? You must be exhausted! He was the only person in the whole world who I completely trusted and could tell anything to. That’s what’s so sad isn’t it is that special bond is destroyed. It can come back over time but it’s when we need it the most it’s not there xx

I found out last Friday that my husband has been having an affair. My world has come crashing out from under me. We have two young beautiful children. He says he has hated life at home and this was his way to escape from reality, that she meant nothing to him and was just a place to unload. I have decided that I don't want to be a single mum, that I do love him and that I need to make a conscious effort to move past this and make it work and we have just started seeing a counselor to resolve the reasons for his 'hating life at home'. I am happy to try to be more understanding to his needs and trying to fix the reasons I am aware of so far for his hating life at home. But the one area I am struggling with is in the sex department. Sex used to be something intimate between us that enabled us to connect in a way no one else can with us. Now I just see him as cheap and dirty. I had sex once with him since to try to just get on with it and move forward and hope these feelings will fade with each sexual encounter with him, but she was there in my mind and I don't know how to fix it... 'she did this to him, he touched her vagina until she orgasmed, I don't orgasm with vaginal finger touching so he isn't getting his rocks off with me like his was with her. I just can't get past it. Hoping some of you are further down the path and can share your experiences. Sorry for this post being all about me. I will read future posts from this point and hopefully get to know and be able to help you ladies too.

Shellster so sorry to hear you’re going through this too. Don’t apologise you need to vent and this is the place. I think we’ve all apologised at some point when we feel like we’ve only talked about ourselves.

That’s good you’ve been to counselling and also a positive step that you know you want it to work out.

Sex is such a weird thing. The first time we did it after he told me I cried the whole time. But then I found I was instigating it - couldn’t work out why I wanted to have sex so badly with this person who had hurt me so awfully, then Queen said to google Hystetical bonding and that’s exactly what it was. So I decided I wasn’t going to
Sleep with him again for a while. I’ve completely backed off from him, not really speaking to him, he’s hated it. Last night he had hysterical bonding sex with me. To be honest it’s been a nice feeling that he was desperate for me, he wanted me and I this morning I haven’t had the big crash of emotions I had when I was the one instigating it. He’s the one messaging me saying he can’t stop thinking about it and me.

It is so hard not to compare. You don’t orgasm that way but you’ll orgasm and turn him on in other ways that she couldn’t even dream about. It’s not so much the act though is it as you’ve said its that intimacy you have with one person they’ve had with someone else. Mine said they didn’t even have any foreplay which I just don’t believe so I have all kinds of scenarios going through my head. I’ve had 4DC she’s a childless 20-something - how can I compare with that?

It literally is one hour at a time at first. One minute you’re calm, the next you’re a crying mess, then you could literally commit murder. There’s no wrong way to behave you just have to go with it and realise
You’re not mental, it’s normal.

Had his affair been going on for a while? How is he when you’re talking to him about it? Have you told anyone in RL?

Sorry for the very rambling post, the other girls will offer you great advice. It’s been great for me when I’ve been really confused and upset to know someone will give me some kind of help and an answer to my questions xxx

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me WhatdoIdo. I am exactly the same with sex. One part of me wants to have sex with him, but I don't want to instigate it... I want him to come grovelling to me to show me how much he wants me. But because I am crying and acting distant he is following my signal and giving me the space, when I actually want him to come up to me and give me a big hug.

His affair has been going on for 7 months. That makes it more difficult to comprehend. It's not like he did it once and felt so guilty and remorseful, but instead e went back for 7 long months and it only stopped because I caught him. He is very honest when I ask him questions about it. Like you I had all sorts of scenarios running through my head so that is why I had to ask for specifics, but now I can't get the specifics out of my head and don't know how I'll be able to enjoy the same things in bed with him again without thinking about his affair with her.

WhatdoIdo, how long ago did you find out about your husband's affair? How long had it been going on? Do you have any insight as to why it happened?

shellster is sorry you’re going through this shit too. Be kind to yourself as it’s still very early days. It’ll be 6 weeks tomorrow for me since finding out and it’s been -and still is-a huge rollercoaster of emotions. The anger has dissipated slightly but the hurt is still there. I go between hopefulness and hopelessness.
My h is showing lots of remorse but like yours was fucking someone else for 8-9 months. It’s hard to get images out of your head and I have flashbacks all the time especially at night when my imagination runs wild.
I haven’t had sex yet as I can’t bear to go near him in that way but we have snogged. That’s as much as I can do at present.
I’m just doing dc kids but will post more tomorrow. I’m off out tonight so hoping I don’t come back too pissed as it’s awkward with him babysitting!

And don’t worry about your posts being about you. We’re all posting about ourselves but I find it so reassuring to know I’m not alone and that what I’m feeling is totally normal. It’s hard with friends that haven’t gone through it as they are like I was and pretty black and white about it. I always thought I’d divorce if he was unfaithful but it’s not so easy when you’re in the midst of it

Shellster oh gosh 7 months is a long time. I found out a month ago had suspected for a month before that. It’s a woman he knew through a networking meeting he goes to and I’ve always hated her for some reason. He says they only met up and had sex twice which I kind of believe as I looked at his business mileage log and it couldn’t be much more. Maybe once or twice more. I’m hoping with counselling he’ll finally be able to tell me the full truth. I had an affair myself 31/2 years ago. We kind of brushed it under the table, never went to counselling. I
Confessed everything and kind of just chopped it out of my life, thinking he could do the same but he couldn’t. I thought we were in a really good place he said it was a really bad time for him and cuntface came along with all the usual bullshit and he fell
For it and gave as much back to her. We were meant to be going out for lunch today but as I was getting ready I couldn’t stop thinking about them having sex and I just didn’t want him near me. He stayed for a bit but I went absolutely mental at him. Asking why he wanted to have sex with her over me, why was he thinking about her when he was masterbating etc!!! He’s always told me they didn’t message at night but he was sleeping downstairs for a few nights when it was all happening and I said why was he messaging her in between my messages accusing him of cheating and he was just denying it all saying i was mental. So it feels like everyday something else is coming out. Even something insignificant sets you back.

H is the same won’t cuddle if I’ve told him to give me space, wasn’t really trying it on incase I rejected him. I told him when I first found out he had to keep trying and if I rejected him he would just have to take it on the chin and keep trying no matter how much I rejected him.

Has your H definitely stopped seeing the OW? Xx

Queen glad you’re having a night out. Do you think you’ll end up sleeping with him if you get in drunk? Get as dolled up as you can and show him what he could lose xxx

That’s my plan whatdo.
The show him what he’s missing rather than sleeping with him!!
Im sure the people I’m out with will end up in a late night bar/club and I’m half tempted to find a snog. I know it won’t make me feel better though.

Just de lurking to say I am following this thread as my H had a 5 months affair after 14 years together. I am two months on from finding out (27 September), we didn't separate due to the kids but I think that was a good idea in our case as he got to experience first hand all my emotional rollercoaster. I asked him to leave several times but as he's truly remorseful and we are in marriage counselling I've changed my mind each time.

He knows there's no guarantee I'll stay and each beginning of the month he has to check if I am still willing to continue. My marriage counsellor told me that when I am feeling dispair I need to remember the decision is mine, and not making a decision yet is still a decision.

All I wanted to say is hang in there it will get better. The pain will fade slowly and you'll end up numb for a while. That's the stage I am at now. I look at him and don't feel much, we have sex, amazing sex but no emotional connection on my side.

We talk about it everyday for hours, we've been through really tough times on both sides, my H sobbing, trying to hurt himself when I tell him I cannot do it anymore, both been suicidal at times...

Anyway there is an American forum (with people from all over the world) called surviving infidelity where you can understand more by reading the posts if your H is doing the genuine work or not, you can see you are not the only one going through it and feel a bit more knowledgeable.

I wanted to make this short but I am not successful, all you are going through I am also or I have been there already.

I am numb and I am still not sure this will work out, some days I am positive, some days I want to call it a day.

Stay strong all.

Oh and also try to take care of yourselves, I've lost almost 2st in two months I am now just under 7st. I don't know how to stop it.

But the good news is that I now sleep all night, the nightmares have stopped, I haven't cried in about 4 days (everyday before that) even when we have really hard conversations about the affair.

We can all survive this with or without them.

Queen, I'm so glad I found this site - our situations sound very similar. The fact that both our H's affairs went on for so long, the fact that we both have the images running through our head and the fact that we are both repelled at the thought of having sex with our husbands. I actually forced myself to have sex once, as I thought that the longer I dont have sex and think about how dirty he is and the longer I focus on the images of the things they did together, the more set it is going to become in my mind and the harder it will be to change. But I had to get drunk to do it and I was thinking of the things they did together and I'm still feeling no better towards having sex again.

Queen, did he give a reason for why it happened?

What, yep it's definitely stopped. We got into a fight two days after I discovered his adultery, and he said he was going to leave for a few days. I got so mad that he had done this to me, and was going to be a selfish fuck for leaving because that was best for him, while leaving me to deal with two children. So I went on his facebook page and wrote "I've been fucking a slut named Jessica Franklin". She called him 1/2 hour later asking what was going on and she had no idea he was married. (I heard the call as I've tracked his phone). She had no relationship with him as she just wanted sex too. She actually found my husband by listing herself on a facebook page called 'smuts n sluts' and she tagged him that she would like to have sex with him. So the conversation ended by saying to eachother 'have a nice life'.

shelster are you sure you want to name her on here? You may want to get your post removed.
I too did the Facebook thing and announced to the world what he’d done. I wasn’t prepared to hide his grubby secret.
He’s not really been able to give a reason as such. Lots of things led to it-I’d been menopausal last year and had been vile although I thought we were ok as I started hrt and became normal again. The death of his dad. Him getting his work life balance wrong and spending too long at work and so when he cane Home we weren’t really interested in him. But nothing excuses what he’s done. Nothing excuses the lies. Even if one fuck had had happened that should have been the wake up call he needed. But he chose to continue. He talks about being in a bubble and compartmentalising life. I fucking hate the phrase bubble as in my mind it romanticises it but apparently that’s the phrase the counsellor uses.

As for me today, after the storm comes the calm. I feel relaxed again like I did earlier in the week. I feel connected to him and I know how desperately he wants me which is always a good feeling . But it won’t last. The hatred for what he’s done with come back.,the despair will come back.
Who knows where this will end.

Queen, thanks for the tip about naming her. Wasn't really thinking about it... was just stating what I wrote on facebook. Reassuring that you too did the facebook thing. I feel like I've become someone else for doing that but nothing prepares you for how you will feel after having this done to you. I totally agree that one fuck should have been the wake up call to feel guilty and think what the hell am I doing. I too struggle that it went on for several months. And I struggle with the fact that it only stopped because I caught him. How did you find out? I hope over time, the calm will last longer than the storm days. Are you getting counseling too or just him?

Good for you Shellster doing the Facebook thing. The only reason I’ve kept it on the QT is because H didn’t tell anyone when I had mine, even our families don’t know what’s going on.

I said that to my H, if you felt so bad and guilty about it why did you go back for more - obviously didn’t feel that bad at all. I think it would have carried on if I hadn’t managed to drag out of him what was going on.

I know it’s completely hypocritical and selfish of me but I keep saying to him that he understands firsthand the pain and devastation that is felt so how could he do it knowing what it would cause. He keeps saying that he reacted calmly whereas I’m acting like a crazy psycho lady most of the time. I said that was his choice to act like that and look what’s happened years later. If I can get the pain and devestaion out of my system now as best as I can then we can maybe try and work on our future xx