DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Queen I think that's what I find hard, feeling hopeful the. Something sets you off and you are back to roller coaster emotions again.

Had a really long talk last night which was positive but then small things set me off. In this book I am reading it talks about the hopeful stage and that it's actually really tough. Well all of this is tough!

Hope the cats ok Queen.

Whatdoido has he ceased contact with the OW?
I can understand the worry of what he would get up to if he wasn't with you. But if he did meet up with the OW, at least it's a clear indication of where his priorities lie. And if it's with her, my inclination would be to tell him to fuck off and start divorce proceedings.
There is no moving forward while there is still contact with the OW, at least there wasn't for me and that's why he had to move out.
I'm in the NE, though originally from the south.

Three that’s just it. We had a nice night, talked, had sex cuddled all night. Woke up cuddling. Then off he goes to work and i could feel myself getting angrier and angrier. Phoned him just to scream at him and finished the phone call by saying I hated him and hanging up. I’ve ignored his phone calls and texts all day. I don’t even know why! I just want us to go away for a couple of days away from everyone so it’s jyst us and no other distractions but he’s just not getting it sorted, that’s why I think if I go tonight will it make him think? I’ll be happy just cuddled up with the baby reading my book xx

Hi Three. Everything suggests he’s stopped contact with her. He’s blocked her on everything. I’m getting his messages to my phone and I can check on our mobile account the phone calls and texts he’s sending. But he found well have another phone, could be emailing her. I genuinely don’t think he is in contact with her. I’ve told him straight, if I find out there’s been any kind of contact at all then that would literally be it. There would be no second chances! I know I’m torturing myself about little details, how do I get over thinking about them?? Xx

It sounds like you need to talk and explain your feelings ha and that H needs to appreciate that they are up and down, they will be and it's perfectly normal.
It also sounds like you need some space where things are calm and quiet. Talking helps if he'll listen. Do what felled right for you.

It’s so hard isn’t it. My h hadn’t done anything but go to work yet so I haven’t had to deal with any security yet. I no doubt will though

Cat is ok. Abscess that the vet squeezed lots of pus out of!!

H has taken the kids to their sport tonight so I have a couple of hours on my own. Should do some cleaning but I’m going to lie on the settee watching what I want without any interruptions. Ive got my things ready to go, so if he does anything to annoy me tonight I’m going to go for a day or two xx

Glad the cat is ok x

Glad cat's ok too! 😻

Morning all. It’s such a relief to have people going through the same thing to talk to and know that everything we are feeling is normal.

The last couple of days s have been hard. The kids seem to have settled a bit which is good and seem to want to spend time at his house. I’ve tried very hard not to resent this even though it’s killing me. I feel like reminding them what’s he’s done but I’d never be so cruel but they do seem to have forgiven so easily.

As for me I’m not sure I can ever forgive and recover. I’m trying. I think I said I’m not ready to throw the towel in yet so I’ve been reading up on therapeutic separation, the aim being of reconnecting. Most things say that you should get clarity within 6 months and any separation longer than that is likely to mean the end of the marriage. So I’m giving myself till Easter to just kind of go with the flow and see what happens.

We’re going out on a date today as he’s off this week. We’re going to try and date regularly although like you all it’s dufficult with kids, work etc. However he made time for her so he needs to make time for me. We’re also going to try and communicate more, just little things like how was your day and actually listen to one another.

There’s still a huge mountain to climb and I’m fucking terrified. What if he lets me down again? I love him but I can’t imagine ever quite feeling the same for him. There was a poster a few pages ago who said she woke up one day and realised her h was pathetic. I’m worried that will happen to me. Part of me already thinks that. He cries and I just think pathetic, because you caused this. I lose a little bit of respect for myself for even considering getting back with him after what he’s done. I think I know deep down that I won’t get over this although I haven’t told him that. I’ve been honest though and said this may not work and may still end in divorce. I just can’t understand why if things were bad enough for him to fuck someone else repeatedly, why he wants to come back to me.

Apologies for the long rambling post. It’s been really cathartic!!

Hope you all have good days. I shall update you on the date. I’m bloody knackered as abscess cat had me up a lot needing fuss and attention!

Hi Queen, I hope you have a lovely day on your date. Make sure he treats you like a “queen”.

It is nice to know there’s a few of us going through this (we’ll actialky it’s not nice it’s bloodybawful but you know what I mean). I’ve phoned in sick today. I’m just exhausted emotionally and physically.

What I really miss with my H is that we did talk, we knew all the little things that were going on in each other’s lives but I just don’t feel I’m at a point where I want to know his trivial little details and I certainly don’t want to tell him mine. I’m so angry with him as well as we are in the middle of having our eldest diagnosed with autism. We’ve been fighting it for so long as we just thought it was his personality but there’s no hiding it and this summer has been such hard work as DS has got worse and worse. It’s worn me and H into the ground, I know it sounds stupid but I feel like I’ve failed DS. He’s the main reason I’ve let H stay for now because it seriously would affect him not having his dad here. But on the otherhand I just don’t have as much patience and I’ve told H this morning I can’t stand him for the fact I can’t support DS as much as I need to at the moment and it’s another day everyone has gone to school upset.

We’re going away in January and I’ve told him that if hasn’t shown me he’s bothered and made changes then he’s moving out when we get back. Sometimes I look at him and think how can I live my life without you and other times I think I’m still young do I want to be stuck with someone who has hurt me so badly?

Sorry I’m ranting too. Hope everyone has a good day xx

I'm not sure I can forgive my H or if our relationship can recover from this. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet but this has made me think we are morally incompatible. He chose someone else over me and the kids and I can't forgive or forget that. It's at the front of my mind all the time. If he really loved me he wouldn't have done that, not if he really cared about me. It hurts.
How do I know if he really loves me? Properly, not as a wife or mother but as me?
I feel insecure. I feel I can't trust him or rely on him anymore. But I know I can rely on myself and manage.
I look at him every now and then and think he's pathetic. I don't think things can ever be the same again. He makes me feel insecure and I'm not sure we can rebuild that security or if I want to. I love him and he is trying very hard but for me I'm not sure it's enough. All I can do is give it time. I hope I will start to feel better about things.

Three I know exactly what you mean about the insecurity. I won’t let him see me without make up on, make sure my hair’s done, my legs are shaved etc but I don’t want to live like this forever. I’m also paranoid that what if he does this again in a few years? At the moment we’re mid 30s so can easily move on if we want. He’s always going to have younger girls throwing themselves at him who see the big boss and ££ signs, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over my paranoia about that!! I’m cringing if someone young and pretty comes on the tv, thinking is he eyeing them up wishing I looked more like them.

Well it went okay. Initially was a disaster as he picked me up reeking of after shave shave so it was obvious he’d made an effort and was excited but all I could think about was how he must have had that anticipation and excitement before meeting her.
We went bowling which again started out okay but then I just st started crying. Shopping and lunch was much better and we ended up snogging at his house.
All very bizarre and tbh I’m not sure at all how I’m feeling.

Hi Queen glad it went ok. It’s so hard not linking everything back to the OW and how he felt about meeting her etc. I’m pissed off with him as I’ve hardly had any messages today yet he could find plenty of time to message and phone her.
Am I being stupid having sex with him nearly every night - is he having his cake and all that? Xx

what you’re not being stupid at all as long as it’s what you want to do and you’re not being coerced into it. For me personally I couldn’t have sex with h yet as I’m not ready for that level of intimacy yet but believe me I’ve thought about it! But if it feels right for you that’s fine. I've realised there’s no right or wrong in this situation. Have a google of hysterical bonding. I came across it and realised from snogging him last week that’s what I was doing. It’s very common apparently.

Queen just googled it. Yes that’s probably what it is. We’ve always slept together a lot and just before his affair started we were doing it every day - yet again poor deprived man never getting any attention- but his does feel like start of a relationship sex. Think I might hold off tonight I’m making it too easy for him x

Oh my goodness what, where do you find the time and energy for every day

Ha ha I know!! He’s definitely not getting any for a while now - so she says 🤭😂

Queen it sounds nice going out on a date.

Whatdoido...we have been having lots of sex too. Strange because
Most of the time I don't want to be near him.

I still feel really flat. Lots of questions going round in my mind... does he love me? Really love me? If he did would he have done this? Do I want to invest in a future with someone who, when I needed them the most, was off having an affair and servicing his own needs.
Funnily enough he was the one who wanted to get married because he said it made relationships stronger and more committed. I said that if you are committed you don't need marriage. Now it just means it's bloody expensive to split up and he's probably entitled to property I own/ inheritance. This kind of thing had never crossed my mind before. We've always pooled our money and for things jointly. He's even changed that.

Three I know. We always pooled our money too. He’s just asked me if I love him because I never say it back to him unless we’re havibg sex. I said that he’s got to earn it bavknfor me to say it. Relate left him a message last week saying they had an appointment time for us, I asked him to phone them today - of course he hasn’t! It just shows you can say all the right things but it’s the actions that count.

Did you have a look at the hysterical bonding Three? I must admit I do find him more attractive knowing someone else has.

It’s the investing in the future now only for them to turn round and do exactly the same again that’s scary isn’t. I’ve had an affair and I can hand on heart say I would never ever do it again knowing the pain and devestation it causes, so if they say they won’t they might not- it’s so hard to trust them though xx

What are we like? A few weeks ago we were in utter pain and now here we are shagging/snogging. The utter speed that things move at is terrifying and I have to remind myself that 2 months ago he was fucking someone else. I can feel myself falling totally head over heels and need a reality check.

I can try...
Please be careful and gentle with yourselves. It must feel wonderful to connect again but remember you're so fragile. Snogs and shags are great but what you need from him is consistent effort.

Constant you are so right. I decided last night I’m not having sex with him again for a while, it isn’t us reconnecting being madly in love it is hysterical bonding. The problem is it’s an absolute mind fuck. You feel so close and then the next morning it all comes crashing down again. He knows I’m not working today and he’s working near to where cuntface works. He’s not asked me to meet him for lunch or anything even though I told him last night I completely struggle when he goes off to work especially in that area where it all happened. So yeah I need more than sex, you can have sex with anyone. I need him to show me he’s committed to me, is sorry, wants to be with me and only me. I had my bags packed to go last night for the night but I was just too exhausted to drive anywhere.

I’m going for a walk in the country, might go to a museum and actually be able to enjoy it without everyone moaning it’s boring. I’m quickly sinking into where I could stay home all day on my own moping around and I just can’t keep on doing that!!

Sorry I feel like I come on her and just keep hijacking the thread and making it all about me. I am sorry for being selfish.

Hope you all have a lovely day xx

Thanks constant. To be fair he is being consistent in his actions but I need to step back.

@What I'm sure no-one minds the hijack. We're all here to offload occasionally.
I think the hysterical bonding is dangerous. Our problem is that we're too vulnerable atm. Our self-esteem is rockbottom. We need to feel loved, desired, pretty. It sounds a little sad but it's what we thought we were until it came crashing down. The danger is someone coming along and taking advantage when our guard is down. Whether that's the cockwombles or some other person.
I'm keeping my guard up. Have been hurt too much.