DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

I know and I don’t want everything being brought back to her. It’s all such a mind fuck up!

Hi whatdo and *three” just wondering how you both are?

I’m not even sure how I am. I’m so up and down. One minute I want to be with him, the next I’m hating him. The kids are starting to say things which is making me feel the pressure. He moves into his rental today and so they keep asking if that’s his home forever and will he ever move back here. I’m starting to feel like the bad guy I’m their eyes.

Renting somewhere is right I know. I just keep thinking though if he managed an affair whilst living with me, what’s to stop him whilst living alone when he’s lonely.

He continues to be remorseful, continues to say all the right things but he still did it. It’s always there. I know it’s early days but does it ever go away?

Hi Queen, today is going to be such a hard day for you. You are most certainly not the bad guy in this and he should be making that crystal clear to your DC. I know what you mean about him doing something when he’s lonely, if he’s going to it doesn’t matter where he is he will, but if he’s genuinely remorseful and wants to be with you it’ll be you he phones and texts. Does he have to see the OW at work etc or does he have no contact with her at all? Could you swap round and sometimes you stay at the rented place and he at yours with the kids, then you can have time completely on your own?
We had our first counselling session last night. I came out feeling really calm because I realised the OW is insignificant, this is just about me and H but today I really hate her again as well as H. It is the mind fuck of being calm and wanting to work it out to the next minute absolutely hating his guts and never wanting him in your life again. When he had his emotional affair it literally took me years to not think about it everyday and feel angry, now I could pass the OW in the street and not feel anything. So it’s going to be a long and slow healing process for us all no matter what we decide the outcome is going to be xxxx

what, I know exactly where you’re coming from. Luckily the calm periods are getting longer in between the hate.

I pretty much know he won’t have an affair again. Although I’ve just realised how deranged that sounds as I thought I knew that he wouldn’t have an affair in the first place! But he is so eaten up with guilt and sadness for the hurt he’s caused that I don’t think he would. So in some ways the trust isn’t the issue. I think I could trust again. I’m just not sure whether I can forget the hurt he’s csused.

Hello....I'm the same, I feel ok one minute, sad the next, really bloody angry too, a lot of the time. For me the evenings and night time are the worst, I just feel anxious and wired so getting to sleep takes ages and I wake up loads. So am working and totally knackered.

It's the swings from feeling like we can make this work to absoultely hating his fucking guts, all in the space of 5 minutes, that's I can't stand.

And there is always a niggling feeling...is he telling the truth....I think he is but how can I be sure? Maybe I'm noticing things that I brushed over in the past andnow they really annoy the fuck out of me. SO I am taking things slowly, I do love him and I want it to work, but maybe this is a wake up call to think about my future and on what grounds he plays a part in it.

I just wish the anxiety and sadness would lift.

Right now I’m feeling so fucking sad. I just want to cry yet I don’t even have the energy to. It’s utterly exhausting

Me too. And this is supposed to be a good week...

Struggling here still (hey, name is apt... )
I had a long conversation yesterday with MIL. MIL is {quotes} "besides herself" and desperately hopes he will have a turn around and "realize what he stands to lose". She wants us to be together. I told her that I'm tired of fighting. That for seven months I have tried my hardest to fix things. For the sake of the dcs and because you shouldn't just throw aside 17 years of marriage. But this was never something I could do by myself, and he doesn't want to. I'm insignificant to him. As much as that hurts, that's what it is. He loves me as the mother of his children but not as his wife. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I feel anger at him for taking my children. I miss them so desperately when they are staying with him. It seems so unfair how his actions mean I'll have to live without them half the time.
One thing I've noticed from this thread is that we're all talking of exhaustion. I have come to realize that I feel so tired because of the sheer rollercoaster of emotions. Anxiety at having to go at it alone, having to bump into OW; anger at h for rewriting our history and our future; anguish of missing the dcs.

And i hate rollercoasters!

Oh constant, I haven’t got time to write a long reply now as about to go out but I’m just sending you s big hug.
Will write later.

Constant that sounds really tough. And you're right, he's the one that needs to do the fighting. He's not and he's made this mess and this is so anger and anxiety inducing. Not having the kids around because of his choices is also really bloody hard and this is the thing that gets me every time.
I hope you've managed to get a bit more sleep.
Sleep, or lack of it, is breaking me at the moment. I seem to take ages getting to sleep and then wake up at 3am with a thousand thoughts going through my head, that mainly make me feel anxious, so I can't get back to sleep. Mindfulness stuff helps a bit.
Had an individual councelling session yesterday. Which was helpful and the councellor said some things that I wasn't expecting and hadn't realised I do, about accepting too much responsibility and being very self sufficient, which made me realize that perhaps our marriage wasn't as balanced as I thought.

Thanks three. It's funny what you said about responsibility and being self sufficient. I'm much the same. Taking care of everything. Putting everyone else first. To the outside world I seem very much in control, calm, collected, confident, why inside I am a sniveling shivering mess. It is why I have a tough time now, knowing myself again. I'm told to go out and do stuff that i like. Stuff that makes me feel good. while all I want to do is crawl under the duvet with a nice cup of camomile tea and watch a soppy movie with mad dog curled up at my feet (or on my feet).
Do hope we'll all start feeling better soon. Don't we deserve it?

Oh Constant I feel so bad for you that all these decisions have been taken out of your hands! These men are such bastards! I’ve asked him if his two shags and a few texts and phone calls were worth him fucking up our marriage? Yesterday I felt ok so we had a good day today I feel like crap so he’s acting like a knob with me! I told him this morning that it’s like I’m the one who’s cheated because I’m having to put all the effort in. Constant I feel like you he’s making me feel that the only wants this to work because I’m the mother of his children etc not because he wants to be with me. Of course he says this isn’t true but his actions speak very differently!

I know you just want to crawl into bed but can you do something nice just for you so you don’t have to think about the cock womble for a while? Xx

Cock womble. That made me laugh.
Thank you. Needed that.
I went for a long walk with mad dog through the mud. She loved it. It's actually sunny out. And now I've taking my sewing machine out. I'm going to make myself a dress. Thanks girls. Feel much better somehow.

Dog walk and seeing sounds like a good distraction.
I just feel really down. I can't concentrate on anything and just feel really unhappy.

Me too three and when I’m like this he’s nowhere around. He just backs off instead of reassuring me and making me feel better xx

For how long do you keep trying to make it work. At This moment I hate him and he’s telling me I’m a brilliant actor because yesterday I didn’t feel too bad so we had an ok day. How do I get through to him that I’m
Not acting, that I can’t help it, it’s because of him I’m behaving in this way. One of the weekends when he was carrying on with her we’d been away and slept together a lot and he’s just said how nice a weekend it was. I told him not to insult me when he was messaging another woman at the same time, and he’s just said to play another record he’s not
Going to keep listening to me going on. WTAF I feel like I’m going insane!

Whatdoido you sound really articulate about how you feel and it sounds like your H is not respecting this.
Will he move out? Will he give you some space? Because it sounds like the penny hasn't dropped for him and he is not appreciating the hurt he has caused you and the amount of work needed to repair that of it is possible.
I think space helps. You need calm and a safe space where you can feel what you feel without him denying you this.
I know it's hard and a logistical nightmare with DCs involved. In RL do you have someone close who you can talk to? Just vent your feelings and get some support.
Has he engaged in counselling?
All these feelings and conflicting emotions are hard and exhausting, he need to acknowledge that and accept that he's made you feel this way, otherwise you can't move forward.
You sound strong and very frustrated and I can understand why. Start calling the shots, he made this mess not you. We are right here with you. X

Look at the chump lady website, there's a very good article about having your cake and eating it, it's empowering.

I am realizing what a constraint time is. It's so hard to make time for each other. We don't have family who can take the kids, we don't have spare mo eye for babysitters, I don't have an option to reduce my hours, so time we have is after 8.30 when kids are in bed. By then I feel too tired to talk. How do people make this happen?

Three I know what you mean about time. We have no family who can look after the children, his who are capable of managing them are hundreds of miles away so we don’t get the chance to go out much. We did used to have lunch dates which was lovely. Could you pay for babysitters and then just have a cheap date? A drink in the pub or just a walk in the country, anything that is just you two? It really doesn’t have to cost any money!

H has just said that me being so up and down isn’t normal as he didn’t react like that when he found out about me. Because he acted quite calmly about it he thinks I should be behaving like that too. I’ve even packed his bag today but he still just won’t go. He says he’s staying because he knows I’ll just be paranoid if he goes somewhere. I have told a very few people in RL but I am quite a closed book so I do find it really hard to open up to people. I just don’t understand why he’s being so awful. He keeps saying that he’s trying, he literally isn’t. If I didn’t have a baby and work I’d just go away by myself somewhere but I know if I do do that I’ll be consumed with guilt whilst I’m away. After my affair I was so open with him, told him and showed him how much I needed him. Made him feel so loved but I’m just not getting anything off him. I’ve told him if he wants to go to her I’ll not stop him or if he wants the single life that’s fine just don’t leave me in this limbo!!!

Whatdoido, that must be so hard with a baby and work but your H is making it all about him. This is about you and what you need. He's putting it back on you and that's not fair. You need to keep telling him what you need. This isn't about him thinking you are paranoid. It's about needing space to think. Xx

Thanks Three I keep telling him that this Initial moment is not about him it’s anoyt me trying to get over the pain because if I can’t do that there’s no hope for us!

I’m just exhausted as I’m sure we all are. I keep trying to take on board the positive quotes about every day being a new day, let go of the past etc but it’s hust so bloody hard.

Hope you have a good day today xx

Hi all, sorry, didn’t get a chance to come back yesterday. theeeand whatdo sorry you’re having such rough times. At least through everything my h keeps reassuring me and hugging me when I get sad or upset.

I’ve been reading up on separation. I’m not ready to throw the towel in yet but with a ‘therapeutic ‘ separation you apparently should only be apart 3-6 months otherwise it’s more likely to be a prelude to divorce. We’re 5 weeks in already. I can’t imagine being ready to let him back in 2 months but who knows. I feel vaguely hopeful but then something will set me off to get upset and remember it all over again.

Can’t write much more as about to take the cat to the vet. Hoping she won’t need antibiotics otherwise I’ll have to get h round to administer them!!

I don’t suppose either of you live near the South West? Would be great to have some real life support?

Hi Queen hope the cat’s ok? How do you get over the suspicion that he could be up to things when he’s not with you? I just feel too fragile to have to deal with that? I’ve had a massive go at him today and he’s asked me where it’s come from but I don’t know why? I’m really struggling when he’s at work! Today he’s been at a posh hotel having a meeting near to where it was all going on, it just brings it all back. I can’t deal with it. I really don’t know whether to take myself and the baby off for the night and phone in sick tomorrow but is that not fair on the other DC??

I’m in the North Queen. I know what you mean about real life support xx