DH has had an affair

[threeandmeandthedog]

2017 has been shit. DH 's dad died, I lost my amazing sister to cancer, which had spread to her brain. I was with her throughout most of her illness and it was really fucking awful. She died in June.
I found out that since July DH had hooked up with an old friend he hadn't seen for decades, they bumped into each other at a social event. They have been for coffees, a few drinks and they have kissed.
I only found out because I looked at his phone as I sensed something was wrong. And I feel awful for looking at his phone. She is married with children and an assistant head teacher at a local school. Her partner doesn't know. Apparently it didn't go further than a handful of meetings, texts and kissing. But it would have carried on if I hadn't found d out. And to me this feels like he has just stamped on our marriage. He says it was nothing to do with me, he just met her again after 20+ years and these feelings came up.
If feelings like that come up surely you just say " I have strong feeling but I am married with 3 D.C. And I love my wife so best we don't contact each other." Apparently not.
We have 3 DC. If we didn't I would kick him out right now. I love him but I don't know where we go from here.
He is sorry, wants to make it work, etc.
I think we had both become distant from each other. But I thought we were also supporting each other.
I work full time and have a long commute, where as his working hours are more flexible and he does pick ups and drops offs for school as all three kids are in primary. So if I did ask him to leave I'd have to see him every day anyway.
I am just so sad and angry and upset. This has been the most awful year anyway, I didn't think it could get worse and now it has. My parents have both died and I was very close to my sister. One thing that was getting me through her death was the thought of our family, who mean everything to me. But he has broken the trust in our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Aw thank you right back at you 😘. Ive been thinking about you today hoping you’ve been getting on ok xx

Is it going to get any better? I don’t think I can feel any worse then boom it hits you again but harder! Why can’t he show me that he cares? I told him not to come home last night and he did. Ended up
In another blazing row and he’s cut his wedding ring off and said that’s it. If told him I don’t think we should communicate properly till we’ve been to Relate but he just won’t lewve me alone. If he was here and helping me through it fair enough but every time I try and talk it all comes back to him. I’ve told him that’s absolutely fair enough but he’s had years to deal with it and get help, I just need these next few weeks to get over the shock and then we can move forward together but I don’t be think that’s going to be possible.

Whatdoido, is there anyway you can leave with the DC? Go somewhere over the weekend? Or get him to?
His behavior is extremely self serving and shows no consideration for you.

Have you started to tell people inRL? You need support too, and you have nothing to be ashamed of, his behavior has caused this.

I’ve told two people in RL. My parents aren’t really people I can confide in, they can’t keep things to themselves. I learnt the hard way when I did what I did who I could really trust, and the only person that was was DH so I don’t have that now. I messaged the OW when I first found out and said I couldn’t wait to be treated like a princess by him, I honestly thought that’s what would happen. I made sure after what I did that we went to gorgeous hotels just the two of us, went on dates. I bought him a Tag Heuer watch. Not because material things matter one jot it was to show him I cared and wanted to spoil him. I’ve had a crap bunch of flowers and a rushed lunch in a restaurant I said I didn’t want to go to. Think it’s just a bad day today, I’m working tonight so hopefully feel better by then.

Three how are you feeling? Hopefully a bit better

Whatdoido, I have been following another thread called '18 months after DH affair' which has had lots of good advice on it. I'll c and p a few bits by a poster called SandyY2K, becuase they have really helped me work out where I'm at and what my terms are if there's even the smallest chance of moving foward with this.

*The clock sets back every time he runs to her.

Show him this list

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.*

Then I read this post, by the same poster and it made things clear for me. H had to leave, I needed space and I thought, actually I do love you and am not going to sit here waiting for you to realise and I am certainly not going to compete with someone else.
This helped me massively, as it gave me space and a chance to calm and process my emotions. Funnily enough the penny dropped pretty quickly for H too.
Anyway, here's the quote from the other thread:
"o a wayward spouse

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

In summary

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

1. Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

1. You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else,

1. , there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse.

1. Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them."

Whatdoido, I'm feeling lots better, still really up and down, but I feel like I've taken control back and I feel ok just 'being' at the moment. I've told quite a few of my mates in RL because I need the support and don't have any family to fall back on and they have been great. So apart from feeling the saddest and loneliest I have ever felt in my life, I feel ok.

Glad you’re feeling better. I honestly don’t think he wants the OW, that is over I’m pretty much sure, it’s just how he’s always lied about everything I can’t be 100%. He’s blocked her on everything but he’s an IT whizz so knows how to get round things. I’m going to show him that list as that’s what he needs to do. He told me I’ve been a drama queen and told loads of people - yep all those two people, which has really hurt me because he knows I do not show my feelings very easily at all, somgpr me to be like this openly with him he’s not getting the absolute hurt he’s caused me. When he went how did you get over wondering what he was doing, where he was going etc?? Xx

Hello OP.

I have been you, and reading this thread - well, it could have been written by me years ago.

Ex H had an affair. A real 'I don't know who I love / want' affair when my youngest was 18 months.

The pain and devastation was like nothing I had ever felt.

We went for counselling- 8/9 months. And I fought for him. I don't think, it retrospect I should have. Because he did it again, 5 years ago.

This time I was stronger and I told him to go.

The only advice I would give you is to take your time. You don't need to make any rush decisions here.write it all down. I wrote every time the pain / anger consumed me and it really helped. I kept those books for years, but when I threw them out, I re-read them one last time and it was amazing to realise how far I had come, and how much stronger I felt.

You have had such an incredibly tough time. You are doing great. Only you can decide if you can forgive and move on, or if you want to start afresh.

For what it's worth, there IS life after divorce. I have met and married the love of my life. I trust this man in a way I never could with my ex. That feeling is priceless.

And our kids survived. They're doing great. Yours would too.

Whatdoido, he needs to do all the work here and be invested in it, it's not up to him who you tell, he does t like it because he's ashamed. Do what YOU want and need to do for you and your kids. You were right before when you said you should be treated like a princess. Yes you bloody should, if he wants this marriage he should be fighting for it.

Huney that's a great post, glad you have found happiness

Hi all, the rollercoaster is exhausting isn’t it. I’m counselling yesterday I realised all I want is to be happy. And I realised that I will be happy with whichever path I choose-divorce or reconciliation. I just don’t know yet which path to take and that’s ok at the moment.

Weirdly, we’ve reconnected. We’ve hugged, we’ve talked, we’ve even snogged ! If you’d asked me 4 weeks ago if I’d ever snog him again I’d say no way. But the man he was is coming back. He did change, he did get himself in s bad place but that absolutely does not excuse his behaviour. So I’m still torn. I’m still making him rent the house but Ive told him he can ‘date’ me and just see organically where things go. We’ve both got individual sessions with the couples counsellor booked and another joint session in about a month. I’m still not certain what I want but I know right now that I’ll regret it if I don’t give it a chance. He’s been an utter fucking cunt and I still get angry but there may be a way past that.

Sorry three for making your thread about me right now. Whatever all of us decide will the right decision for us and Ive realised that whatever decision we make is only right for that day whilst things are still so raw.

Queen that sounds positive. I feel pretty much the same way, but still swinging between anger, sadness and now hope. I find I'm missing H and then when he's here I either feel like I love him and want him or I can't bare to look at him.

I keep on thinking about him and the OW in different contexts and I am so fed up of these thoughts, they are intrusive and repetitive. Writing it down helps. I like the idea that a previous poster said, of looking at my journal in 20 years time and being ready to throw it away and let go.

Don't worry about this thread, it started about my experience, but what's been really helpful is everyone's different perspectives and situations. It's helped me see there is no right or wrong or way to do this, you just have to see what works for you.

I think you are right too, we will be happy again one day, whichever path we chose. Even now I still feel mo nets of happiness, sat with the kids, or chatting with a friend, walking the dog. And I'll take all I can get right now!

Three that’s exactly what I think he should be fighting for it, not sending a few pointless texts and then when it actually comes speaking face to face jumping off the deep end as soon as I say something he doesn’t like!!!! Oh well. I’ve shown him the point you’d copied let’s see if they make any difference! Xx

I’m so sorry for what is happening and also to whatdoido17. My husband didn’t exactly have an affair more like a suspected emotional one. However last autumn he called time on our marriage having said he wasn’t happy around June time when I had confronted his distant behaviour. I spent the summer googling “my husband doesn’t love me anymore” and this took me to various places including mumsnet. What fast became clear was that I needed to think about me. That was hard I was in pieces, I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep and as hard as my mums death had been the previous year this was much much worse. I was not in control as I couldn’t get him to change his mind. I had so much support from friends and actually once the fog had cleared and believe me it was weeks not days, it dawned on me that actually our marriage hadn’t been great. We weren’t physical towards each other and he is a very good looking man so clearly I wasn’t into him and hadn’t been for years!! Our differences started to come into my mind and then the thoughts of happy times without him. Visiting friends, doing things on my own not having to bloody mother him (he is 7 years younger and a mummy’s boy). We were living together and he actually wanted to stay that way. He figured we weren’t sleeping together so actually did it matter if we weren’t officially a couple and financially it made sense. However as the only breadwinner (that’s another story!) no way could i put up with that. So I left and we share the children 50/50. The other woman slowly came out of the woodwork ha ha I bloody knew it, but I don’t care. I have met a great man who I fancy like hell, I have reinvented myself looks wise and realise I lived only for him and my children and had forgotten about me! I did the crying and the pleading and it didn’t work. I couldn’t control him but I could control me. I guess that is what I am saying. Remove yourself from running around for them. They don’t deserve you. Whether they want you back is neither here nor there, the decision now is yours! Look after yourselves and your children as you are far far more important. It’s shit, it’s not what we asked for but we can turn this around and make a better life if that’s what we want xx

Aw Fran thank you for that. I think as a mum it’s just assumed you’ll be the bottom of the pile. It feels like you put yourself last and get you still get shit on. The positives that have come out of this is that I’m going to look after myself more and the guilt of my affair, which literally ate me up every day has gone. It’s so good to read a positive story when you feel like the bottom of your world has fallen away xx

Not really having a great weekend, at night I seem to wake up every hour, my heart pounding and thoughts just going round in my head. I just want to stop feeling anxious. I'm so tired and am back to normal working hours next week. Life just feels a bit over whelming and I don't really know what to do about it other than keep on going. I just feel a bit flat.

Three sorry you’ve had a bad weekend. Do you think you’ll be able to manage in work or do you need more time off?? Xx

Three 💕
Sorry your weekend wasn't great. The feelings of anxiety and exhaustion I'm having too. Felt like that much of last week. A bit better today as I have my boys back this week.
Baby steps I keep telling myself but I so badly want to feel normal again. I haven't taken much time off work but gp wants to give me a sick note for two weeks. Am starting to think I should take her up on that.

Sorry you're finding things hard too Constant, it must be nice to have your boys back. I had two weeks off and went back last week. I don't think I need any more time off (although I'd like it) and I think it's working having a routine and distraction, but I'm so bloody tired.
But the two weeks off I had I absolutely needed.
Anyway today has been better than the weekend. I can't believe my life is such a mess!

Been a bad weekend here too. Had to act normal as we had family stuff on but I’ve been a mess. We had a good talk last night and ended up having sex. Today he’s been sexting me while I’ve been at work which I’ve liked but as the day’s gone on I feel angrier and angrier thinking this is what he was sending to her. I don’t know how to act. Do I keep quiet, do I tell him how I feel? I don’t know how I’m meant to act!!!!

I would very calmly tell him how you feel, exactly what you've said here. It's really difficult coping with conflicting emotions. Feeling love one minute and anger the next.

I would very calmly tell him how you feel, exactly what you've said here. It's really difficult coping with conflicting emotions. Feeling love one minute and anger the next.