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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

what should i do? DH not home, kids, work

167 replies

onematch · 27/10/2017 02:36

DH went to a big fancy work's dinner/dance last night. It was "officially" work with clients but was also a piss up. His specific company had 8 people going from his site.

Haven't heard from him since 2pm yest, fine. No concern there.

BUT it's now 2.30am and he's still not home and i need to leave for work at 6am! He's supposed to be looking after our kids today and they'll get up about 7am!

I haven't tried to call him because i figure he's gonna be smashed anyway.

I'm already on thin ice with my attendance due to being off earlier in the year for depression and anxiety.

What should i do??

OP posts:
Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 19:27

He's sobered up and is contrite and apologetic. He says he understands where I was coming from on all points. We have still to talk properly once the kids are in bed.

OP posts:
MNHQ
ToniMumsnet · 27/10/2017 19:30

We are moving this thread to Relationships soon.

Mrskeats · 27/10/2017 19:36

Op do you think this is a normal, happy family dynamic?
And he’s probably driving over the limit which is unforgivable.
You are going to end up with no job.
How can you think having a chat will help?
You called him on his behaviour so he buggered off to punish you. It’s called emotional abuse. Love means caring for the other person and being there for them. This is so, so far from that.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/10/2017 19:37

Just remember actions speak louder than words.

He says he's sorry. What does he propose to do to address the issue?

Desmondo2016 · 27/10/2017 20:15

What a repulsive man, crap husband and shit father you are married to!

Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 20:23

Harsh @Desmondo2016

OP posts:
BachAtTheMoon · 27/10/2017 20:27

I think the OP is worried for her DH's mental health. Bombarding her with LTB's is not going to help nor is it very constructive.

OP, do you think he would be receptive to talking about getting some help? Does he acknowledge that he is struggling?

hiddley · 27/10/2017 20:27

Jeez Desmondo. He went out with clients and got carried away with the drink. Hardly time to cut off his head.

I'm sure they will get over this rare inconsiderate occurrence.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 27/10/2017 20:39

Are you serious hiddley

He got so drunk he couldn't care for his children the next day and OP doubted his ability to parent so much she has - not for the first time- risked her employment to stay home and take care of them.

She was also concerned he would drive still over the limit with the children in the car.

Utterly disgusting behaviour and just one incident like this would have me doubting the relationship let alone several. If you can't trust your partner to ensure they are fit after his own children something is very wrong.

SandyY2K · 27/10/2017 20:41

I couldn't be married to someone son irresponsible....it's beyond ridiculous.... and while he faces no consequences....he'll do it again and again. Why wouldn't he? All he faces is a day or two of your grief.

It's like your job is working in a circus. He doesn't take it seriously and that would signify a lack of respect to me.

Put simply ... people treat you how you let them.

hiddley · 27/10/2017 20:46

In the future, particularly for work dos with alcohol flying, I'd have a contingency plan in place.

Either he

A: reins in the drink and gets home at a reasonable hour (with a stern reminder before he goes out).

or

B: he makes alternative childcare arrangements (at his own expense), for his children to be cared for the following day (from early morning).

Boozy work dos can be hard to get out of and you are expected to wine, dine and entertain clients (depending on the industry), so this may come up again in the future.

It was poor behaviour and it needs to not happen again.

Desmondo2016 · 27/10/2017 20:53

Oh come on. This is not a one off. She alludes to frequent occurrences of this nature. And then disappearing today. Vile behaviour.

Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 20:58

Yes but not the OPs vile behaviour. What are you adding to the thread? Nothing.

I think hiddley raises and excellent point- this could be as simple as him taking responsibility to arrange child care for first thing next time he has a big works event.

jeaux90 · 27/10/2017 21:05

I'm with hiddley I think he was inconsiderate and behaved really badly but there have been some ridiculous over reactions on this thread.

Clearly he fucked up but I'm pretty sure they will make up and use the sensible approach hiddley points out next time

Clients do's are part of some of our lives and you can't avoid them but you can avoid letting your partner down.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 27/10/2017 21:06

It adds by explain the utter horror and disgust people feel about someone behaving like that and expecting OP to put up with it. Sometimes people are so deep in a situation they annoy are how bad it is.

I'm not convinced arranging childcare for someone unable to be a responsible parent due to drinking will fix the entire problem. But it's certainly a short term solution.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 27/10/2017 21:09

I know literally no one that would go to a client do and get so plastered they couldn't care for their children. No one.

And according to OP it's not a one off either. If it was that would be bad enough.

Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 21:14

We said he should arrange childcare. You sound very sheltered if you don't know anyone whose gone out and got battered, as inconsiderate and unkind as he has been. You sound like you've been told he tortured the pet cat or something Confused

hiddley · 27/10/2017 21:16

Youcanttaketheskyfromme. At every client do I've ever witnessed, most end up at least drunk, if not plastered. The city in particular is notorious for it. Particularly if he hadn't work the next day, the expectation is unfortunately there to push the boat out.

AdalindSchade · 27/10/2017 21:20

There are always some people minimising shit on threads like this. I always wonder if they are totally naive about alcohol issues or defensive because they have issues themselves.

hiddley · 27/10/2017 21:22

Possibly because we know the way the world works. Reality vs the ideal. Adalind

AdalindSchade · 27/10/2017 21:25

I know how the world works when you live with a binge drinker. I know too well that reality.

Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 21:25

Well, neither option here. I don't think "minimising" it is even a thing actually.

What IS a thing is berating the OP, turning her shit day into trying to make HER feel as useless and shitty as he's been, blaming her for not acting in the way she's been ORDERED to, Immediately, and repeatedly reminding her of all the other shit things he COULD do on top of what's already happened.

Maybe that's maximising it? I wonder why people do that too. Maybe because they're emotionally immature, bossy and can't take responsibility for their own over investment in a thread?

SpotAGuillemot · 27/10/2017 21:25

Really hidley? Can I ask what area you work in? I've worked in finance in the city for years, I'm often expected to entertain clients and colleagues from different departments. We have a meal, some people drink, some don't. If we ever got so hammered we made a fool of ourselves or couldn't be in work the following day we would be in for an absolute bollocking.

Xmas parties/ leaving dos a very different beast though!

AdalindSchade · 27/10/2017 21:26

if you think 'not getting so drunk you force your partner to call in sick when you were supposed to be caring for your children' is some idealised wonderland of relationships then you are a very sad individual.

jeaux90 · 27/10/2017 21:30

I work in a male dominated industry and the drinking and late nights are expected. Doesn't happen every week but quite regularly. I usually stay in town when I have to do it but then I do make sure my kid is catered for and that's the real issue here. He fucked up on that and OP had to step in.