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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what should i do? DH not home, kids, work

167 replies

onematch · 27/10/2017 02:36

DH went to a big fancy work's dinner/dance last night. It was "officially" work with clients but was also a piss up. His specific company had 8 people going from his site.

Haven't heard from him since 2pm yest, fine. No concern there.

BUT it's now 2.30am and he's still not home and i need to leave for work at 6am! He's supposed to be looking after our kids today and they'll get up about 7am!

I haven't tried to call him because i figure he's gonna be smashed anyway.

I'm already on thin ice with my attendance due to being off earlier in the year for depression and anxiety.

What should i do??

OP posts:
WantToFeelFabulous · 27/10/2017 09:30

What time are you due to be working now?

wizzywig · 27/10/2017 09:33

Feel for you op. If you lose yr job because of this, he will say "you shouldve gone to work. Id have heard the kids".

Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 09:34

I'll need to leave at 11 latest which is only an hour and a half away. Oldest has nursery at 12.30 Angry which he woupd prob drive to.

OP posts:
Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 09:36

I dont know if I'm overreacting or not by not going in today. Godammit.

OP posts:
leccybill · 27/10/2017 09:37

So he's done it before.
Is it a drink problem or a lack of respect problem? Either way, it's not going to get better by the looks of things.

Crunchymum · 27/10/2017 09:41

What a cunt he is OP.

Work tomorrow instead and he can have the kids then.

I would be thinking about getting this nan out of your life.

Whilst he may have done this 'only' a few times in 3 years, I bet everytime he goes out you are anxious / worried this will happen. That is no way to live.

Crunchymum · 27/10/2017 09:41

Man not nan

Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 09:46

I am always worried he'll do this. Ive said before to him it's fine as long as not on a night I'm working the next day which it invariably is! He very rarely goes out but when he does this happens.

OP posts:
BeauMirchoff · 27/10/2017 09:47

How fucking disrespectful. My stbx DP used to pull off shit like this. Go out and come back 24Hrs later, knowing I had work to do at the weekend. One of the reasons why I'll be leaving him soon. He doesn't know that yet, though Grin

PerfectPenquins · 27/10/2017 09:47

No way can he drive the children to nursery would he seriously put his children’s lives at risk and everyone else out on the roads by drink driving? Are you serious? He is an awful parent. Your going to have to call in sick and work tomorow you can’t leave your kids with such a selfish irresponsible and still drunk twat. I would be finding a way to sort childcare so you never ever rely on him and then dump him.

Eeeeek2 · 27/10/2017 09:49

Take all the car keys to work.

LoudestRoar · 27/10/2017 09:49

*Planning to go trick-or-treating? Here are MNers' top tips

Today 09:34onematch

I'll need to leave at 11 latest which is only an hour and a half away. Oldest has nursery at 12.30which he woupd prob drive to.*
You can't let him drive! He'll still be over the limit!

BeauMirchoff · 27/10/2017 09:51

Do NOT go in, OP. You can't trust him to look after your DC. They're so little! And if I were you, I'd be talking to HR and telling them the truth so that they can support you.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/10/2017 09:52

If you think there is even an outside chance that he would try and drive then you cannot leave the children in his care.

I know your job is on the line but if he puts them in the car and God forbid, something goes wrong and they are hurt as a result, then you will never forgive yourself.

Can you drop the kids to nursery early? Is there are family member you can ring? Is there a neighbour you get on with where you could leave the kids? If none of this is an option then you will have to ring in sick.

If you do, then I would be having a serious and long-term look at your marriage. I couldn't stay with someone like this.

SocMcDuffin · 27/10/2017 09:52

He very rarely goes out but when he does this happens.

He's a binge drinker then. Binges can be few and far between but of epic proportions when they happen. It's still a form of alcoholism.

He binges to the point he's got no concept that he will be incapable of resuming his responsibilities when he's supposed to - in this case take over looking after the kids safely while you go to work. And this has happened to you several times before, to the point your job is now in jeopardy.

He's an alcoholic.

flyingpigsinclover · 27/10/2017 09:53

Yes to telling HR, you need support in this and it's better that they think that you are unreliable. OP, is there a reason why you need/want to stay with this man/teenager?

Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 09:59

He's snoring on the couch and I'm getting more pissed off the more i look at him.

There's no way i could've left at 6am this morning.

I'm not going in today.

OP posts:
keeponworking · 27/10/2017 10:07

I think I'd be telling him that (setting aside the absolutely appallingly shitty way he's treating you, how it affects your children who cannot understand why he won't wake up - I'd even take photos of this to shame him with later because when he's pissed or hungover, he's oblivious (how convenient for him)) but for the risk to your job and the ability to provide a roof over your kids head alone, that he signs up for Alcoholics Anonymous RIGHT NOW calling them in front of you and he leaves the house until he's completely sober, doesn't stink of alcohol, would be able to look after children, is clean and shaved and represents a proper partner and father. I'd have enough belongings packed for a couple of days away somewhere (anywhere) from your home and confirmed attendance at his first meeting before you will speak to him again or even consider him returning home. Short sharp shock so he understands how incredibly unacceptable it is.

callmeadoctor · 27/10/2017 10:10

I would be very tempted to wake him up and tell him that you have been sacked, that might sort him out!!! Grin

Peregrane · 27/10/2017 10:13

You can't leave such young children in the care of a drunk man!! Even a heavily hungover one.

I really feel for you OP, but it's actually a risk for your children. Even if they just stay at home, let alone if your H attempts to drive!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/10/2017 10:15

Wow. I am stunned at his behaviour! Totally selfish AND potentially putting the kids at risk. You need to have a sit down and proper conversation with him about this. This is not acceptable. His total disregard for YOUR employment and his CHILDREN. My God, I would have poured a jug of very cold water over his head by now. I am fuming on your behalf!!! Sadly, my ex was a bit like this with his kids. One of the reasons he's an ex...

ButtonMoonLoon · 27/10/2017 10:17

Selfish git!

I would take the kids out for the day and let him be responsible for them tomorrow so you can go to work.
And I'd spend the next few days planning my exit strategy tbh.

ohfourfoxache · 27/10/2017 10:19

I'm so sorry that you're in this position

You need to ask yourself a very serious question: what now?

He's not a good parent, he's not a good partner and he's not a good person. Unfortunately if someone won't change then you need to change how you react to them. So what are you going to do?

(Not that it matters what I think, but I would be chucking him out over this. And tell work the truth - you need support)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/10/2017 10:23

You poor love, you need to have serious words with him, when he sobers up.

OnionShite · 27/10/2017 10:26

What a useless, selfish sack of shit. You're staying at home, which I think is the right thing, but I'd certainly not be allowing him to sleep the day away after this kind of behaviour. Wake him up. It won't be any risk to the kids if you do.