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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what should i do? DH not home, kids, work

167 replies

onematch · 27/10/2017 02:36

DH went to a big fancy work's dinner/dance last night. It was "officially" work with clients but was also a piss up. His specific company had 8 people going from his site.

Haven't heard from him since 2pm yest, fine. No concern there.

BUT it's now 2.30am and he's still not home and i need to leave for work at 6am! He's supposed to be looking after our kids today and they'll get up about 7am!

I haven't tried to call him because i figure he's gonna be smashed anyway.

I'm already on thin ice with my attendance due to being off earlier in the year for depression and anxiety.

What should i do??

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/10/2017 14:09

I'd be tempted to get the locks changed while he's out sulking. And leave his packed bag outside the front door.

His behaviour is appalling. Not only does he put your job at risk today but now he won't even agree that he'll look after the kids tomorrow so you can work?!

Of course if you lose your job, it makes it harder for you to leave him so it's win-win for him isn't it?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/10/2017 14:13

They are his kids too, no?

So why does he see this as you 'needing' him? He's a parent - that involves looking after your own children. Unless he sees the children as your sole responsibility and that he is a free agent to carry on as he pleases?

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 27/10/2017 14:20

Op. My sympathies. This was my exh. Luckily we didn’t have kids. He was a lovely man but I was always terrified he would die when he went out. Once I found him at 4am dry heaving on our doorstep so drunk he couldn’t get in the house. If we went out together he would always embarrass me with twattish drunken behaviour.

It’s one reason he is my ex.

I’m now re married to a lovely man who rarely drinks and would never let me and our fabulous DC down like this.

I’m not one to say ltb as life isn’t that simple but something has to change. Could you try relate?

Original poster

onematch · 27/10/2017 14:25

He came back Said he didn't want us to embarrass ourselves by him going elsewhere. I told him it would be him embarrassing himself.

He said I'm the one that's ruining the family day tomorrow. I was incredulous. He is actually giving out every cliche in the book. He cannot see anything wrong.

I don't know who he is right now.

OP posts:

Scrumptiousbears · 27/10/2017 14:36

I’m sorry you have to put up with this OP. I too have a selfish bastard and it’s shit.

Original poster

onematch · 27/10/2017 15:11

Have asked to have this moved to relationships since it's moved on a bit from my original dilemma

OP posts:

user1471459936 · 27/10/2017 15:13

Ah, no. He is trying to make this all your fault. Which it really isn't. What a bastard.

BewareOfDragons · 27/10/2017 15:14

He has clearly gone on the defensive.

Ask him when you endangered HIS job by getting so stinking drunk he had to stay home and look after the children himself instead of going to work.

Ask him when you forced him to rearrange his entire family schedule because HE was terrified YOU would drive the children drunk to nursery?

Ask him how he's going to make enough money to support all of you and pay all the bills when YOU lose YOUR job because you fail to show up again to cover his selfish, drunken ass behaviour.

I'm so sorry, OP. He has clearly lost the plot. You have problems. :(

SpotAGuillemot · 27/10/2017 15:16

I'm angry on your behalf op. What a fucking selfish bastard. He's not helping you out! He's looking after his kids so you can go to work ffs. And he's not even doing that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/10/2017 15:21

He's probably still drunk. Now's not the time to talk.

AdalindSchade · 27/10/2017 15:22

Ah I'm sorry
You've got a selfish, defensive man child with a drink problem. I used to have one of those.

RhinoGirl · 27/10/2017 15:24

What did your work say OP?

OnionShite · 27/10/2017 15:25

Oof. If he calms down later and is apologetic I might be minded to give him a second chance, but trying to hold you to ransom over whether he's going to do childcare to allow you to get into work tomorrow would be verging on deal breaker for me. I'd put up with a lot before I'd put up with that.

Original poster

onematch · 27/10/2017 15:27

I really really didnt want to talk to him today but he kept going on about how ridiculous it was (him staying away tonight) and give him time to sober up and perhaps have a think! And he kept saying surely i didnt mean it, he couldnt believe it, husband and wife should be there for each other and supporting each other He's being such a hypocrite. I actually dont recognise this person.

He's been very stressed lately with various shit things going on. I fear he's heading for a breakdown. I had thought that previously anyway. He just isnt getting it that he's the one with the problem in relation to last night and all other times like this

OP posts:

Original poster

onematch · 27/10/2017 15:28

He said that in anger (and prob still drunk) about tomorrow. I know he wouldn't do that.

I told work my childcare fell through today but i could do tomorrow.

OP posts:

Original poster

onematch · 27/10/2017 15:33

We're not breaking up over this. We love each other and I'm not giving up on him. He needs help of some kind. I was trying to shock him into seeing sense by asking him to leave today as that's not us. We're a very close couple, very romantic and family orientated. He would do anything for the children and me.

He has an problem with alcohol and knowing when to stop and i need him to see that. I'm not jacking it in over something he needs help with.

OP posts:

OnionShite · 27/10/2017 15:35

What's the plan for him getting help? Does he understand himself that he needs to do it, have a plan?

LIZS · 27/10/2017 15:38

But he didn't do anything for you and dc today. He didn't avoid getting into so much of a state that he couldn't look after the dc to enable you to work. He doesn't feel responsible for that or even sorry. It isn't just you he let down, but your dc and your work. You will be fortunate not to face repercussions of missing work.p, whether you make up time or not, Tbh you are starting to minimise his behaviour.

mummymeister · 27/10/2017 15:40

sorry OP but this is wrong. "he would do anything for the children and me"

because he wouldn't and he hasn't. you needed him sober to look after the children whilst you went to work. he knew this in advance yet he went out and got so totally shit faced that you have had to move your work day (and who knows what your employers view is of this) and cancel a treat for the children.

so no, he wouldn't "do anything for the children and me" . And by saying this you are actually deluding yourself. lets hope your employer is reasonable about this. I would be getting in first and having a chat with HR to explain why you couldn't work today and thank them for being supportive to the changes.

he is not the Mr wonderful that you would like him to be and unfortunately he will continue to behave like this until you take control of the situation. because he wont do this and he wont change.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/10/2017 15:48

And he kept saying surely i didn't mean it, he couldn't believe it, husband and wife should be there for each other and supporting each other
What, you mean like him supporting you by looking after his own children so that you can go to work, as you'd agreed?

He would do anything for the children and me.
Anything except parent his own children and control his alcohol intake the night before he knew he'd have to drive and do childcare because you were due to work.

OP if this is genuinely what 'good' looks like for you, then darling you need to raise your standards.

Original poster

onematch · 27/10/2017 15:53

He went back out about an hour and a half ago to run an errand. It wouldnt have taken this long so I feel he's messing with me.

I am considering everything you are all saying.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 27/10/2017 16:09

I was trying to shock him into seeing sense by asking him to leave today

But he's not shocked because he knows you don't mean it. Because he's already back. The way to shock him is to ask him to leave and follow through on it, otherwise it's pointless.

hiddley · 27/10/2017 16:13

Gone for the hair of the dog.

Hidingtonothing · 27/10/2017 16:14

I'm not jacking it in over something he needs help with.

Trouble is this isn't something you can help him with, he needs to realise he needs help and seek that help himself, you can't do it for him. In these circumstances the only help or support you can really offer is to still be there when he's done.

He is messing with your head, he's managed to gaslight you into not being sure whose 'fault' this situation is and he's twisted things so that you're no longer arguing about whether what he did was right or wrong, all the focus is on whether your reaction is justified. And now he's punishing you for that reaction by disappearing, does any of that really seem right to you OP?

Crunchymum · 27/10/2017 16:16

"We're not breaking up over this"

So what are the consequences going to be then OP?

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