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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what should i do? DH not home, kids, work

167 replies

onematch · 27/10/2017 02:36

DH went to a big fancy work's dinner/dance last night. It was "officially" work with clients but was also a piss up. His specific company had 8 people going from his site.

Haven't heard from him since 2pm yest, fine. No concern there.

BUT it's now 2.30am and he's still not home and i need to leave for work at 6am! He's supposed to be looking after our kids today and they'll get up about 7am!

I haven't tried to call him because i figure he's gonna be smashed anyway.

I'm already on thin ice with my attendance due to being off earlier in the year for depression and anxiety.

What should i do??

OP posts:
Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 16:21

Hes a grown man, she can't punish him like a teacher with a child.
OP you need to decide what this situation means for you. Tbh if you don't split up then it obviously doesn't mean very much, but that's your decision.

The only thing I would advise is you work to reduce this dependency you have on him being there for you to work because you'll lose your job if this keeps happening, and if you want to leave you'll need an alternative source of "childcare" anyway

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2017 16:27

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you by not being totally contrite today and trying to make it up to you. How dare he treat you like you’re in the wrong, saying he needs time to ‘calm down’! What a selfish entitled prick.

FoxyinherRoxy · 27/10/2017 16:35

His reaction is disgraceful.

He has taken no responsibility for his actions, or acknowledged the consequences. Sounds like he doesn’t consider himself to be in the wrong at all.

The problem here isn’t that he went out, got bladdered and wasn’t able to meet his responsibilities. It’s much, much bigger than that.

Have a read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and see if you recognise him.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/10/2017 16:38

You're being punished OP.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Constantly on edge every time he goes out, because you know he'll get arseholed and whatever arrangements you made for the following day will have to be cancelled - including you going to work!

Being on the receiving end of passive aggressive comments about sticking together and supporting each other, when he's already demonstrated that he doesn't give a fuck in reality. It only counts when it is on HIS terms.

And whenever you voice dissatisfaction at being taken for a mug, he fucks off on an "errand" and goes off the radar...

I'd be packing a bag and the kids stuff up and heading to family or friends for the night - or even a hotel. Just don't be there when he gets home. And if he contacts you wanting to know where you are, you can point out that it didn't matter to him when he disappeared, so why should you extend him the same courtesy?

zoomer456 · 27/10/2017 16:47

I hate it when you ask for advice on here and ppl turn it around and say leave him. Like it’s that easy!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/10/2017 16:58

Does he not realise that he is putting your job at risk? And putting the DC at risk? Bizarre.

If he's stonewalling you when you try to talk about it, I'm not sure what advice there is to give. You've sensibly waited until he's slept it off. You've asked him to stay somewhere else tonight. He's ignored that. He's like a man baby! I would suggest couples counselling if he'll agree to that but I wouldn't get your hopes up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/10/2017 16:59

I'd be packing a bag and the kids stuff up and heading to family or friends for the night - or even a hotel. Just don't be there when he gets home. And if he contacts you wanting to know where you are, you can point out that it didn't matter to him when he disappeared, so why should you extend him the same courtesy?

Actually that's a pretty good idea.

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/10/2017 17:28

I’d pack my bags and leave when he got home, you’ve said he’s a good parent so the kids will be fine, then when he needs to go to work tough shit, you’re not there.

Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 18:11

I'm so fucking angry at him. He's been away since 2.30ish. I text him to ask when he'd be home coz had to pick our eldest up from a friends and dint really want to take the toddler over tea time plus she hadnt napped so didnt want to risk her falling asleep in the buggy.

He never responded so i called and called and called. And text and whatsapp. Then got worried and thought he'd done something stupid. Called his friend who hadnt heard from him. Contemplated calling the police. Called again and the fucker answered saying he'd fallen asleep in the car. So while I'd been thinking I'll get a knock at the door he'd fucking fallen asleep!

OP posts:
Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 18:14

I have actually never been so scared in my life and after I got off the phone from him I just sobbed and sobbed in relief.

OP posts:
Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 18:15

You seriously have to stop thinking bad things have happened to someone who regularly goes missing for hours out of selfishness. Nothing will happen to him, but this constant phoning and texting is perpetuating the "game"

I know it's hard but just ignore the fucker. Who cares if he goes? You can't rely on him to come home anyway

Do you have family who could have the children so you know at least you'll get to work tomorrow?

Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 18:24

He's on his way home. I have anxiety so catastrophize. He has never not answered or text me before and certainly never not read my whatsapps before when he is not at work etc. He's been very down lately and stressed so my mind ran away with itself.

OP posts:
Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 18:27

Plus he's never gone missing for hours before

OP posts:
Original poster
onematch · 27/10/2017 18:27

Or missing at all for any length of time

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 27/10/2017 18:36

He's being emotionally abusive by ignoring you and your calls. LTB. This isn't salvageable.

lou1221 · 27/10/2017 18:40

He is more than likely over the limit, he is blaming you for everything, ruined yr plans, and now saying that you've ruined your family day tomorrow. You need to seriously think if you want to be with this man. He shows no thought or respect for you, his children or road users. Twisting it round to you is manipulative and nasty. Not a loving person at all.

Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 18:49

Ok he might not' even run off before or ignored calls but he's hungover, you've rowed and he's stormed out. There is nothing wrong with him, don't preoccupy your mind with him.

Is he getting any help for his stress? Does he aknowledge it?

hiddley · 27/10/2017 19:00

Have a read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and see if you recognise him.

And the prize for the most ignorant and uninformed comment of the thread goes to FoxyinherRoxy.

Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 19:02

I know. Someone gets drunk and acts like a selfish prick and suddenly they have BPD 🙄 Him and millions of other men then

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 27/10/2017 19:09

How long are you going to allow your and your children's needs to be collateral damage ?

When you lose your job ?

When something happens to one of the children because of his drinking ?

Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 19:10

Stop having a go OP. She's had a shit enough day

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 27/10/2017 19:12

If she doesn't want to think about it fine.

Her husbands behaviour is disgusting. And if he really would have put his children in the car and driven them around while over the limit them that is something else.

Bubblebubblepop · 27/10/2017 19:20

Well yes but that's not her fault. I am sure she knows better than anyone what a shit he is

FoxyinherRoxy · 27/10/2017 19:25

Yeh whatever Hiddley.

inlectorecumbit · 27/10/2017 19:25

So was he driving the car. Very probably if the police had caught him he would have been done for drink driving even after 12 hours if he had that much to drink

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