Awful evening...wwyd?

[eveningfromhell]

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

I bet he feels worse.

I imagine he's either asleep, or he's driven home. Probably the latter.

Not sure whether having lost his child this year was a factor? Having so recently lost a child will almost certainly still be a factor in every waking moment, and every breath he takes.

I think you're both being unreasonable tbh. If I was in pain and was ready to leave somewhere and dh asked me to stay, it would feel to me like it was him putting appearances or the B&G's feeling above my own. So yes I'd be really pissed off. Add that to the extra information about recently losing a child; well I'd imagine he finds weddings particularly hard at the moment.

He was also being unreasonable though with the epic flounce.

I hope you got some sleep OP.

You do sound very wrapped up in your own feelings and dismissive of his.

Everything HAS been about you- you wanted him to stay so you'd be happier (to his detriment), you want him to come to bed to ease YOUR guilt and worry.

And I can't believe you are mentioning his loss as an afterthought! Jesus christ the poor guy. Today must have been so painful for him (emotionally as well as physically) and you're worrying about how it will look if he leaves early and having to be on your own a few hours?! The fact you even asked him to stay longer showed a total disregard for his feelings and in his position I would have thought you were being monumentally selfish and uncaring too.

His reaction was ott but under the circumstances understandable. Put anybody under enough pressure and they will break.

He is dealing with recent loss of a child and spent the day around kids of that age, while also dealing with chronic pain. I think he did very well to last til 9pm!

You really need to work on your empathy.

Op you sound a bit like me, so desperate to sort it out and make it good you don’t know when to stop.

I have a medical issue that means if it’s troubling me then sitting/standing can be painful. If I was asked to stay longer I probably would but then would have to go. To be a Marta and be so passive aggressive about it is not right....in normal circumstances. But these aren’t. He’s been through so much and it’s coming out wrong but really you should have let him go. Again just like you I may well have said can you stay longer cause I was having fun.

I think given the info about a recent loss, you were being unreasonable. I thought you were a bit, but the extrainfo means I think deffo.

I think i have plenty of empathy thanks. If I didn't i wouldn't still be awake worrying about him would I?

What should I have done? He willingly agreed to come today. He's an adult. It's not for me to second guess if he actually wanted to be here or not. I understand that I shouldn't have asked him to stay longer. But something makes me think that if I'd said fine, off you gp, and stayed myself, that we might still have ended up with a similar outcome. at the start of the day he wasn't in a great mood because his suit was tight and uncomfortable as he's put weight on. We drove here half in silence because when i got in the car and started telling him about some issues I'd had that morning with my neighbours he basically said he couldn't deal with that and could I be quiet. Which I did.

Re him sleeping in the car, whilst he's not done that before there have been a couple of occasions ln our relationship where we've had a disagreement or at least started to have one, at my house, and he's got up and left.because otherwise we'd have a massive row, we'd end up splitting up, etc. Once I was at his house, and he drove me home in the same situation. O don't know if I feel shutting the argument down like that is a good thing.

I've looked up trains. It will take me 2.5 hours to get home. Possibly still preferable to a silent car journey.

With respect I think the loss of a child is thankfully one of those things you don’t get unless you’ve had it happen to you.

He has lost a child this year and is in chronic pain
Poor man

I did say the loss I'd suffered wasn't the same. I wasn't trying to say i know how he feels because I can't. But i have experienced grief over the loss of my parents and still do.i have spoken to him about that on the past. I don't now because his grief is obviously far greater than mine.

Have you children yourself?

You expect you lose your parents it is the natural order to do that. Losing a child is out of that

What a shame.

How long has it been this difficult, and how long have you been together? If it’s only been bad since he lost his child, then maybe cut him some slack for grief. Otherwise I’d say this relationship doesn’t have legs. It doesn’t make either of you happy.

Yes I do have children.

Most people I know still have both parents. Grandparents even. Losing both on your early 20s isn't expected. Its not the same loss, nowhere near. I have said that. I'm just trying to say that I do have some experience of grief. Not that my grief was/ is equivalent to his. Of course it isn't.

I am constantly trying to think of things to make him happy. I cleaned his new place and his old one, unpacked most of hls stuff sorted lt put, put it away. Because I wanted to help him, wanted him to be happy and comfortable in his new home.

I suspect you're a lot drunker than you realise OP. All the running around barefooted in the rain, over dramatic statements about being a horrible person and being in your room in tears. You're probably more pissed than you realise and being a right pain in the arse.

I can imagine if I was sober, in a lot of pain and finding a situation difficult because of grief I would prefer sleeping in the car to a melodramatic drunken argument about nothing in particular.

OP, why on earth do you two keep going to weddings of people you barely know. What is the point when it obviously makes you both miserable? Next time you get an invitation, decline. The B&G won’t give a toss.

On a wider note, why do people invite people to their wedding who aren’t part of their social group or family? Is it just so they can say they had a huge wedding and show off? It seems incredibly odd to me to invite (and pay for) people who are going to sit on their own with long faces.

It sounds like he's maybe not in the right place for a relationship right now. Sleeping in the car or driving off home show he's feeling really fed up with everything (not surprising considering what a shit time he's had lately). Maybe he needs some space for a while. Are you able to get the train back?

I have severe chronic pain and it is very difficult for me to sit upright for very long. I can go maybe 5 - 10 minutes before it is too much. When he said he needed to go to bed you should have let him. Do you think he was enjoying himself sitting there in pain? I can’t even think straight when my pain gets bad, let alone carry on conversations and try to look normal.

My husband and adult son have real actual empathy and when I tell them my pain is becoming intolerable they help me up and up to bed, if I can’t manage on my own.

My legs and arms go numb if I sit upright too long, maybe that is why he continued to sit there. Poor man.

Even with all his issues, the pain, the distress of being at a wedding, his distress of seeing children running around when he has lost one of his, NONE of that really excuses his behaviour since you asked him to stay an extra half hour.

If he really needed to go to bed, he should have said "sorry, I know you'd like me to but I really need to go to bed" instead of sitting there for 2 hours, punishing both you and himself.

When he finally decided he must move, he then chooses to sleep in the car because he can't bear to be next to you - which must be doing wonders for his pain (not). More punishment, for both you and himself.

This isn't reasonable behaviour. This is behaviour that is designed to keep you "in your place" in future. Is this what you want to live with? If he has only started to respond in this way since losing his child, then he needs to get some help with how he's dealing with things. But if he was already like this before, then it's unlikely to change.

I think if you decide to get the train home, that will be the end of it. But it will be on your terms, if you like - is that what you want?

I have a fairly high alcohol tolerance. Over the course of 8 hours I'd had at most 5 small glasses of wine means I wasn't drunk.

After he,said he was going i followed him back to our room. When I got there je was packing his stuff to go to the car. K asked him calmly to stop and discuss it. He wouldn't. I'd taken my shoes off during this discussion. He finished packing and left the room, i followed him as i wanted to try and reason with him. I didn't expect him to gp outside and then threaten to leave completely. At that point my priority was trying to sort it out. I didn't care about the rain or my feet. I wanted him to come back in. I begged him to. He refused and said if I didn't stop he'd drive off. At which point I cried because I,was upset and frustrated - and came back to the room.

I wasn't trying to start an argument. I was quite clear that if he would come back inside i wouldn't say another thing. But he wouldn't do it.

I wouldn’t be arsed with the level of drama tbh.

And no harm but he told you he wanted to go to bed and you effectively refused him permission when he had already been sitting in his own.

I don't know what i want. I don't want to be ln my own on a hotel room after a sleepless night. I don't necessarily want our relationship to end but nothing I do seems to make him happy. So maybe we should split up.