Awful evening...wwyd?

[eveningfromhell]

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

I think your relationship is not what it used to be, likely to in part to his depression, pain and grief, and you are desperately trying to cling on to what you had and trying to pretend that you still have it.
You probably have to accept that long days enjoying each other's company in fancy outfits are not on the cards for the time being as are a lot of other things you used to do. The relationship has changed, it may go back to how it was or it may not.

I hope things are better this morning.

I suffer from chronic pain. I don't think you did anything wrong asking him to stay another half an hour. Nothing at all.

His reaction was ott and pretty awful. The fact he was in pain may have been a reaspjnbut it's not a good excuse. I've behaved like an irrational jerk when in pain. Afterwards, I have acknowledged that and apologised. Being in pain doesn't give anyone a free pass to behave badly. Hopefully, he will realise that today.

(You were over-dramatic too, in my opinion, but you didn't behave badly towards him as such).

It sounds like the relationships I had when I was a teenager. Must be exhausting having this level of drama to deal with. Don't cling onto something that isn't right. It'll eat you both up and make you incredibly resentful of each other

Honestly I didn't forbid him going up to the room. I asked him to stay a bit longer. Not til the end, just a bit longer. At that point we were sitting together. If he'd gone up I would have been sitting on my own. As I knew he wanted to go soon I then agreed to go and dance with some of the ladies I'd chatted to, so that when he did go I wouldn't be sat on my own. I know I should just have let him go when he suggested it, not asked him to stay longer.

Is his car still there?

Hesterton is very wise with lots of good advice.

I hope you get this sorted (whether you make a go of it or separate)

Come on. The asking him not to go is making it clear you didn’t want him to go up. He had to have your permission effectively to go. That would piss me right off.

I can't see his car from here, I'd have to go outside to see it due to car park layout.

I agree we don't communicate well.

Very childish of both of you. He has a reason to behave the way he did. You knew no one, are introverted and have a partner in pain but you decided on 30 minutes more to make the B&G happy? Seriously, you sound like hard work.

Normally I am constantly thinking about him, is he happy? How can I make him happy

And you said something similar above. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard work OP. You can’t be responsible for his happiness & you can’t make him happy.

I know where SGB is coming from as I have a relative who does a big drama about various minor illnesses every time we see them. It’s very tiresome & I ignore. The sleeping in the car suggests that there is an element of that going on. My relative will wince and hobble and suck air for whatever reason then go and walk 5 miles or cheer up & miraculously bounce back when their friends arrive.

The wedding was probably very difficult with children. I have similar ‘mind the gap’ moments with my eldest son - but those are for me to recognise, identify and then deal with. Not blame others for my unhappiness. It may be too early for him to realise this or he may never get there. If he will talk it would be kind to discuss with him whether those sorts of events (esp with your friends) are too raw at the moment.

If he won’t talk to you & heis Often this passive aggressive you may be better getting my out. If you stay you need to stop thinking of his happiness being your responsibility. It isnt.

He didn't need my permission. He could have just got up and gone. He's taken himself off to hos car for the night when I asked him to stay, so he clearly doesn't just do what I say!

Hesterton has a very good perspective on this.

I bet though if he had said no im going now, then op would have been the one having a strop. Betting the poor bastard was trying to avoid a row with OP then she managed to wind him up enough anyway.

Or not..cause it could never be the womans fault ever on mnet could it..

You’ve had lots of good advice here

Having read this I don’t see how anyone can be judging his behaviour if he lost a child recently. How on earth could social behaviour at a wedding matter? Even the chronic pain is probably only a tiny percentage of what was making being at this wedding unbearable. How on earth anyone can be labelling him dramatic for ANY behaviour whatsoever I have no idea; he has lost a child and therefore should have utmost sympathy and understanding. The fact that the OP has not even mentioned this is in the first ten posts certainly doesn’t show evidence of either. Poor man. He probably just snapped because he couldn’t take any more.

He had to have your permission effectively to go

So he stayed, and refused to go up for two hours, and then slept in the car? He managed to do all that without the OP's permission so why not just go up when he wanted?

OP this relationship has very strange dynamics, you running around packing and moving for him, him punishing you by punishing himself, all the dramatics. just very odd. hard to untangle really. why bother?

His health issues are genuine. His back was a bit better when he was lighter, and exercising regularly. Still painful but a little more manageable day to day. Now it is more painful. Standing is worst so I always try tp make sure he isn't standing for too long, has a seat etc.

I bother because there is a lot of good usually. There wasn't much good yesterday admittedly.

You're both being absolute martyr's - only he has an excuse. Two martyrs together not a good mix, you will eternally consider the other selfish because your sacrifices aren't enough. Give it up.

Have you checked yet to see if his car is there? He must be frozen if it is. Hopefully he just drove home although would he have been over the limit to drive?

I suffer with chronic pain but I wouldn't have acted the way your BF has, he had the choice at any point to just go to bed. You both come across as somewhat immature and unsuited. Sorry your event was spoilt by this. I wonder if he was put out by not being your sole focus for the evening, as the day was not all about him so to speak?

You are not accountable for his happiness - it's not your job to ensure his needs are met. He chose to stay when you asked him initially - he could of easily said "sorry, the pain is unbearable" - he didn't - he chose to punish you for asking - then he punished you some more...

He started the day off by making you travel in silence for the most part.

I'd get the train home and take some time out to decide if this is what you want?

I'm going to focus on the way he shuts down arguments (or potential ones). Has he always done that, or is it only since his child died?

If he's always done it, then it is in his nature to shut down this way and you'll have an uphill battle getting any sort of change. If it is recent, then it may be grief related and could improve. Either way, it's a really unhealthy and borderline abusive way to treat someone.

I used to do the same, after my mum died. My husband refused to tolerate it and packed me off for counselling. Fair enough. I still want to do it sometimes, but much less.

Sounda like he desperately needs a counsellor, to me.

God did you create a big crying dramatic scene in front of the other guests?

Had he lost the child before or after he accepted the wedding invitation?

I feel sad for him. Bad back, depressed and grieving, sleeping in the car.

I always try tp make sure he isn't standing for too long, has a seat etc

He’s not your child. It’s his responsibility to be aware of when he needs to sit etc.

I agree the dynamics are very odd.