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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful evening...wwyd?

404 replies

eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:39

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

OP posts:
Olddear · 27/10/2017 09:00

He didn't need to stay for an extra TWO HOURS!!! He didn't need to sleep in the car, he chose to do these things, he wanted to make you feel bad...why are you sticking around??

Teddy7878 · 27/10/2017 09:01

I would just go up to the car if I were you and speak face to face. If he isn't there then you know he's booked another room or gone for breakfast. If he's furious and refuses to speak to you then you need to have a good think about whether this relationship is a healthy one. Communication is key to a happy relationship. All couples argue now and again but it's how you deal with it afterwards that counts

crumble82 · 27/10/2017 09:03

Why don’t you go and say sorry and take him a cup of tea, knock on the window and ask if he wants to come inside or should you leave it on the bonnet.

AlternativeTentacle · 27/10/2017 09:03

I feel I can't just leave.
He is the one who left the room as he couldn't bear to be with you.

This relationship is pretty fucked up anyway. Your choices are to let him lead and drive you home in silence whilst punishing you, or getting home under your own steam and taking the lead yourself.

ShiftyMcGifty · 27/10/2017 09:05

You need to accept whatever you do, you will be blamed. If you stay, he'll say you are only using him to get back home in his car. If you take the train, he will be livid because he could've gone home last night and you caused him so much physical pain making him sleep in his car. That was your fault too. The "right" thing was to tell him you'll sleep in the car and he can take the room. Hmm

Time to put your feelings first here. What do you want to do? Do that and don't contact him for a month.

Yes he's grieving but he's also taking it out on you. There's leaving the door open but there's also protecting your fingers if someone repeatedly slams that door in them.

user21 · 27/10/2017 09:06

This man needs your support.

I’m not sure the relationship has any future but please do take out that cup of tea and give him a hug.

AnnaThursday · 27/10/2017 09:07

So he shut down your attempts to discuss it by threatening to split up. That's not the actions of someone in pain

What? There are no rules on the actions someone in pain will take.

LadyWithLapdog · 27/10/2017 09:10

You're both going to miss breakfast. He didn't have the buffet last evening, either. He'll be starving and cranky on the drive home. Call him to meet over breakfast. You'll have to be civil and that may ease things to start with. What a mess.

Alittlepotofrosie · 27/10/2017 09:10

@user21

After the way he treated her last night?! He should be apologising to her!

LaContessaDiPlump · 27/10/2017 09:10

Have breakfast, then get a train home. Take control of your day! Hanging around waiting for him to emerge is humiliating. Don't lower yourself.

eddielizzard · 27/10/2017 09:13

pack your bags, have some breakfast, check out and ask the hotel to arrange a taxi to the station for you.

i think i might also go to the car and see if he's in there and amenable to talking. if not, get on with plan.

user21 · 27/10/2017 09:13

@Alittlepotofrosie

No. That’s not my opinion.

ScarlettDarling · 27/10/2017 09:16

Right, what happens long term is a discussion for later on. What you need to do now is go out to the car, ask him if he's coming in for breakfast. Hopefully he'll say yes, you'll have some breakfast and then drive home together. If he says no, ask if he wants to leave now, and if so get packed and get in the car.

I think it's one of those stupid little things which have got blown out of all proportion because of drink. I know you said neither of you were drunk but even a few drinks can effect how you perceive a situation.

Hopefully after a bit of an awkward breakfast this will blow over and you can be friends again.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/10/2017 09:19

Agree everyone can be an arse on the odd occasion (esp when life is difficult) but given the eggshells you are walking on I suspect he’s an arse a lot of the time.

I would take a cup of tea, knock on the window. If he accepts the olive branch fine - but you still
Need to think about this relationship long term - it sounds hard work. If he’s sulky or difficult don’t engage, just tell him you’ll talk to him in a few days (you don’t live together do you?) Then go off and do your own thing.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/10/2017 09:19

I don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time here. She asked her partner if he could stay for another half hour. If the pain was so bad at that point then why did he agree? Why not say "No, sorry but I need to go because I am in agony and need to lie down"?

And if it was so bad, why stubbornly sit there for another 2 hours and refuse to go? And then insist on sleeping in the car? For all those feeling sorry for him having to sleep in the car - he didn't have to! He chose to.

OP in your shoes I would pack up, get a taxi to the train station and head home under your own steam. Send him one text to let him know you have made alternative travel arrangements - so that he knows. Then leave the ball in his court.

ShiftyMcGifty · 27/10/2017 09:20

"think it's one of those stupid little things which have got blown out of all proportion because of drink. I know you said neither of you were drunk but even a few drinks can effect how you perceive a situation."

Christ, talk about a perfect example of gaslighting! She wasn't drunk. He wasn't drunk. If you chose not to believe her, that's up to you. Stop trying to tell her she had too much to drink.

JackieMac77 · 27/10/2017 09:21

Yeah. Time to be the adult here. Ask him to come in and have breakfast, shower, take his meds and head home. Whether you remain in the relationship is another matter, but no more silliness, hacking off noses to spite faces, self-pitying "whatever I do it'll be wrong" type stuff. It solves nothing.

whiskyowl · 27/10/2017 09:24

Oh, FFS, he's behaving like a child.

You asked him to stay another 30 minutes. Whether that was a reasonable request or not (and perhaps you should have been a little bit more considerate), he was perfectly able to say "No, I'm afraid I really need to lie down now, but you stay up and I'll see you later on".

He actually stayed for hours, in a martyrish way, and then stormed off. What is he - four years old?

I disagree that he needs your support. Don't go out and get him a cup of tea, it's pandering to a toddler-like tantrum.

If this is an established pattern of behaviour, I would evaluate whether the relationship is really worth it. If it's a one-off, you need to have a serious conversation about his levels of passive-aggressive behaviour, and about communicating in a non-threatening way about your mutual needs.

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 09:24

Go and offer an olive branch, but stay calm and if he won't have it just get on with packing and finding transport.

Butterymuffin · 27/10/2017 09:27

As I said last night I think you both behaved badly - a pp said you were both being martyrs and I think that's right. Try and move on from all the histrionics now and stay calm. If he still won't talk reasonably then just get yourself home and take some time out from the whole thing.

Devilishpyjamas · 27/10/2017 09:27

Yeah I agree the tea could be pandering - but I would hand it over to test his reaction. It offers a chance for him to be adult and apologise. (& I would be expecting one from him - as well as being happy to offer one).

Devilishpyjamas · 27/10/2017 09:28

And any hint of sulkiness and I’d be gone and sorting my day out myself.

NerrSnerr · 27/10/2017 09:29

On a practical note will he be safe to drive after spending the night sleeping in the car with a bad back? You’ll haven’t decide if you’re willing to drive him or get the train.

I’d go and see how he is. I wonder if he’s not telling you how hard weddings are after losing a child.

DeadButDelicious · 27/10/2017 09:29

Your partner is in emotional and physical pain. Both of which are things that can make you act out of character and blow up at seemingly little things. Is this is an unusual occurrence? Does he have form for things like this? Does he have a good support network around him? Men can often feel, after the loss of a child, that they aren't allowed to break down and that they have to be strong. Does he know that he can open up to you?

This is not to say that he hasn't been a bit of an arse. You both have in my opinion. But there may be mitigating circumstances at play here. Talk to him.

pantrylightout · 27/10/2017 09:29

Why didnt you him to bed and then return to the party for a while.