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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful evening...wwyd?

404 replies

eveningfromhell · 26/10/2017 23:39

At a friend's wedding with boyfriend of several years.

He has some health issues and is uncomfortable standing or sitting for prolonged periods.

At about 9 he said he was going to go up to bed. I asked him to stay another half hour. He agreed.

About 40 mins later I said did he want to go up. He refused. I asked a few more times, same answer. Finally about 11, he was clearly in pain. I asked him to go, he said no again. Wouldn't discuss it. I said I'd had enough of this, picked up my drink and walked outside.

2 mins later he stormed past me and up to our room, collected his stuff and is now apparently sleeping in his car overnight.

I have tried to get him to come back in. He won't. I've had to leave him outside as he said of I kept on he'd drove home ( I'd then be stuck here). He shouted at me for making a scene (when I was crying, asking him to come back inside). He's annoyed that I prevented him from going to bed when he wanted to.

I feel like utter shit. I feel like a bit of the love I,had for him has just ebbed away. I'm also now sat alone in a £150 a night room.

OP posts:
derxa · 27/10/2017 08:21

Hopefully he has driven home and escaped all the drama.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/10/2017 08:23

The whole relationship sounds like way too much hard work, honestly. You both sound overly dramatic in the way you respond to things; you sound incredibly self-pitying in a martyr-ish way - all that “I suppose I’m a terrible person” stuff. You don’t communicate well with each other and don’t seem to have any fun - or even like each other really. What’s the point?

eddielizzard · 27/10/2017 08:24

i don't think he's behaved well. he insisted on staying 2 hours longer, refusing food and drink. it isn't all about you, it's all about him.

that said, the loss of a child is a particular hell i wouldn't wish on anyone.

CamperVamp · 27/10/2017 08:26

This all went wrong early in the day.

It takes a very direct, emotionally literate person to deal with someone in intense (emotional and physical ) pain, and someone who doesn’t take it personally.

Early on, when he couldn’t deal with you complaining about the neighbours, was the moment to say ‘hang on, do we need to rethink today? We / you don’t have to do this, or if we do what are your concerns and what can I do?’

Empathy means offering help and support on his terms, where you can, not deciding what help and advice he ‘ought’ to accept from you.

He isn’t behaving ‘well’ but he is probably beside himself.

I agree with Devlish. A bit of space, distance and perspective and then LISTEN. Then ask him to listen to you. And be open to any response he makes.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 27/10/2017 08:26

He’s stropped off but it was out of frustration. He’s escalated it so don’t join in. Say sorrry to him in the morning, he’ll feel like an idiot too, say next time can’t you just tell me you are fustrated and avoid a big scene. You both got over emotional. Forgive each other.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 27/10/2017 08:27

Until I read that he has lost a child I thought he was being a martyred twat. But now I just think his behaviour was borne out of grief and pain - both physical and emotional.

Pollydonia · 27/10/2017 08:35

Empathy bypass.
Unless you live with chronic pain you have no idea of how much energy you need just to get through every day.
Losing a child on top of that ?
Poor bloke.
Ok so he acted like an arse, but so did you.

snowglobe67 · 27/10/2017 08:36

Op was he expecting you to go to bed at the same time as him? I've read a little more and people are assuming this is the case (sorry if it's been covered I'm skimming) if so then I take back my previous comments. I read it that HE wanted to go to bed on his own due to the pain (and upset)

Alittlepotofrosie · 27/10/2017 08:38

I can't be arsed to read loads of posts telling you that his behaviour is your fault because of this, that and the other. You actually did nothing wrong. You asked him if he would stay up for a bit longer. His reactions are his to own, not yours. He agreed to go to the wedding. He could have said no to staying up. He didn't need to then stay up for 2 hours (which he did ONLY to made you feel guilty and you begging him to go up clearly made him feel happy or vindicated on some level. He did this purely to punish you, perhaps for enjoying yourself) he didn't need to storm off to the car, or refuse to engage with you.

Every time you want to talk something over that he doesnt want to hear, he leaves and threatens you with breaking up. So when do you ever get to talk about anything that's bothering you? This is purely designed to keep you on the back foot. Next time something like this wedding situation happens you will be far more likely to appease him before it gets anywhere near this far,won't you, because you won't want to deal with this drama again.

In a normal, non abusive relationship with someone who isn't controlling, you're allowed to politely ask if he would stay up with you. In a normal relationship if he didn't feel up to it he would have said no. Not stayed up for 2 hours to make damn sure all your attention would be on him and then flounced off to the car.

When I read your OP my blood ran cold because I thought you were talking about my ex for a split second, because that is exactly how he would have reacted if I asked something of him and he didn't want to do it. He would have threatened to go and leave me at the hotel to bring me back in line. He threatened it once when we were abroad. He would frequently threaten to end the relationship if I questioned him on anything. He didn't like my friends and family and hated when he had to make an effort with them. Other people thought he was charming and funny as well but I got to see the real him whenever things were a bit rocky. It took me 3 years to leave him and to be honest I should have done it a lot sooner because he reduced me to a shell of myself where I walked on eggshells because of the reaction I might get. He threaten to split up so many times that I was amazed he hadn't done it. When I eventually dumped him, I realised that he was never going to break up with me because he was abusive and controlling and he had spent a long time conditioning me. I didn't realise what this situation was until a few years later. He also had chronic pain issues and it didn't matter how considerate I was of him and his needs I was still selfish in his eyes which made me try harder and harder until I realise that actually he was the selfish one who didn't care about whether I was happy, he only cared about whether I was making him happy.

Your partner has got what he wanted out of this scenario which is you staying up most of the night worrying about him and crying because in some way it validates him. If I were you I would strongly suggest disengaging with his bullshit, get yourself home and take some time away from him say three to four weeks to think about what you want out of this relationship, because it suits him perfectly to have you running around after him being the considerate one while he just treats you like a mug.

Is this what love looks like to you? There are so many genuinely good men out there, this isn't one of them. While you're wasting time with him you're not free to find somebody who will actually love you and treat you the way you deserve. What would you say to your child if they were in this relationship and being treated this way? Trust your instincts.

Olddear · 27/10/2017 08:43

Why didn't he say he he didn't think he'd manage an other half hour and he really need to go and lie down now? I'm sorry to hear about his child, but he's such a martyr, sitting for another two hours, refusing food/drink etc. You chasing after him, begging him to come to the room, tears, guilt, I'm exhausted just reading it!
Personally, I couldn't be a part of all this drama, I'd walk away.

Jenala · 27/10/2017 08:44

You keep mentioning things like not wanting to be on your own, either at the reception or the hotel room. You sound whiny and selfish to be honest. You keep paying lip service to how much you think about him but then bring it back to you, again and again.

Honestly I didn't forbid him going up to the room. I asked him to stay a bit longer. Not til the end, just a bit longer. At that point we were sitting together. If he'd gone up I would have been sitting on my own. As I knew he wanted to go soon I then agreed to go and dance with some of the ladies I'd chatted to, so that when he did go I wouldn't be sat on my own. I know I should just have let him go when he suggested it, not asked him to stay longer.

So he wanted to go, you said please stay a bit longer as I'll be sat on my own, so he agreed to stay (basically out of guilt by the sounds of it) and then you went off to dance and leave him alone? No wonder he's pissed off. It's not ok for you to sit alone but it is ok for him to?

Poor guy sounds like he's had a shitty year and is stuck with a passive aggressive martyr who feels sorry for herself. Yes you know grief from losing your parents but unless you're circumstances are the same as his (e.g. he'd lost his parents/you'd lost a child) then the correct answer is not to say to someone oh well I know grief. You don't know his grief.

I'd get out. You don't sound good for him and vice versa .

RainyApril · 27/10/2017 08:47

Surprised at all the posts calling him a dickhead and so on.

He's behaved badly for sure, but he's dealing with chronic pain, depression and the recent death of a child.

I think if I was dealing with all of that, sitting for 8hrs+ at a wedding of someone I didn't know, watching the little children running around, I might not feel like my usual self either.

There's not many people who haven't behaved like a dick at some point in their lives, usually due to a set of particular circumstances that tip them over the edge.

It's not hard to imagine him forcing his way through the day until he couldn't take any more, only to be asked to stay longer when he wanted to escape. I think that could have been quite upsetting actually, like 'she has no idea how hard I've had to try to get through the day for her, and it still isn't good enough'.

I think if he posted his side of things, or if a woman posted about forcing herself through a wedding after the death of a child and in a lot of pain, only to get an eye roll when she wanted to go to bed, then she'd get sympathy.

Op, you say you love him, you don't want the relationship to end, and listed his good points earlier. For those reasons I hope you're both able to work it out.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 08:53

Well the cars still here. I didn't go up to it (other side of the car park). Now I'm back in my room. No idea what to do next, because I suspect whatever I do will be wrong.

OP posts:
iBiscuit · 27/10/2017 08:54

I was going to say that he's an arse, but if last night was out of character, and given his recent loss, I think he should be cut some slack.

I found weddings very difficult after I lost my mum, and took myself off to bawl on my own.

AlternativeTentacle · 27/10/2017 08:55

Book a train ticket, and get a taxi to the train station. Why you haven't already is beyond me.

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 08:55

I accept I put him in a difficult situation. I have apologised already and will again. But sleeping in his car is stupid. He's the one who has done that. I didn't force him to.

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 27/10/2017 08:56

Op, you can't win with him. You know that. Do you want to be stuck in a car with him for 2 hours plus? Is he likely to give you the silent treatment? If so get the train. Disengage. Pain, depression etc. None of it is a valid excuse for treating someone you're supposed to love like this.

SparklyMagpie · 27/10/2017 08:57

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself OP

Alittlepotofrosie · 27/10/2017 08:57

He will act like it's your fault he slept in the car. Id bet my house on it.

BakedBeans47 · 27/10/2017 08:57

You expect you lose your parents it is the natural order to do that.

Wow what a horrible thing to say to the OP. Sounds like she’s not the only one who needs to work on her empathy.

OP if I were you I’d get the train home and finish it. The relationship sounds like a train wreck to be quite honest.

fannyanddick · 27/10/2017 08:57

This is a big red flag for me and I speak from experience. I would leave the relationship if I were you.

Teddy7878 · 27/10/2017 08:57

Could he have maybe booked a different room for the night and slept there? Just text him and say you've been worried sick and hope he's ok and you want him to come back to talk. If he doesn't come back then just leave him to it and get yourself home

Original poster
eveningfromhell · 27/10/2017 08:58

I feel I can't just leave. I don't know whether to text him or call him.

In the cold light of day I can't actually believe this all happened. Except it did.

OP posts:
FinallyDecidedOnUserName · 27/10/2017 08:59

Go and talk to him. See if he needs to use the room to shower/change. If he says no and continues with the passive aggressive stuff just say ok as you don’t need the room I will hand the key in and check out.

Hopefully he will take the olive branch and it will open up to being a better day.

If not get the train home.

MrsBertBibby · 27/10/2017 09:00

Call him, ffs! He's your partner.

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