I'm the other woman, not proud of it, confused - anyone been in this situation?

[MrsMiss]

I realise this is going to prompt an onslaught of criticism, fair enough. I just wondered there are people who could help me as I can't talk in real life.

I'm not excusing my behaviour but context: I had previously only had two relationships - my 'first love' at college, and my husband of 11 years. We have 4 dc. Our relationship was on the surface fine in the early days, but as we had children, and I know people will think 'how could you not know' - his behaviours became more and more difficult to live with, and we embarked on marriage counselling, and eventually dh was diagnosed with Asperger's. We both tried to deal with this as best we could, but after a further year and a half of counselling and best efforts, we both mutually agreed to separate.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and felt like my life was not worth living. Single parent, in 40s, part-time work, scraping money together, dealing with loss and disappointment of marriage and the impact of living with emotionally unavailable man who always seemed so harsh/manipulative but also vulnerable, making it hard for me to see the wood for the trees.

I became close friends with a couple, our kids get on well, and we spent time together over the next year or so. Fast forward to a party earlier this year, the man in this couple gets v. drunk and makes a pass at me. I think I'm being really careful to avoid hurting his feelings, and my good friend his wife, and stop things in their tracks. However, I wasn't prepared for how it made me feel. To him it was probably just a drunken fumble. To me, it was highly significant - one of the few times in my life that someone has shown me such attention. He contacted me afterwards and we 'talked', discussing the fact that neither of us 'did this kind of thing' and that it was no big deal, a mistake, hadn't gone too far, no harm done. But then over a period of weeks and months our friendship has gradually developed. To begin with it seemed he was stuck in an unhappy relationship and spending a very brief time talking to me helped him, and me, to feel less lonely. However, now I feel like it is me who has fallen deeply in love with this person, and he is either (a) regretting his actions and looking for a 'safe' exit strategy, (b) in denial and scared about the strength of his initial feelings, worried about everyone else's reaction if it was discovered etc or (c) just chaotically enjoying the rare moments we do get to spend time together, but feeling guilty otherwise. I've obviously tried to talk about it but it never really goes anywhere. He knew before we got together that I was depressed. He knows I find it tough being on my own with the kids, but I genuinely believe he thinks I can help him and he can help me. I swing between being horrified at myself for putting myself in this situation - I know how low my behaviour is, I know what is at stake, I know I can't have much self-respect if I let him basically take what he wants when he wants. But, I do feel so much better for having a connection with someone for the first time in my adult life. I obviously thought I had it with my stb ex dh but was bewildered by his condition, hoodwinked by his manipulation and brought down by the endless negativity and anxiety that our relationship brought to bear on me. Part of me thinks 'why shouldn't I?' but then I remember that I'm not even happy as everything is on his terms. I think I know what people are going to say, and honestly I will read your comments and will think carefully. I know it will be too painful for some people to try to imagine from my perspective, but if anyone has experiences to share that might help me, I would be grateful. Thank you.

What do you think is going to happen next Op?

I'm not sure what's going to happen next. Probably as you say minimise contact between families and try to build myself up. It would be easier for me never to see him again, because it wrenches me inside out. But I have to learn to see him, and be strong.

'Be Strong'?

You're not smuggling your family out of war torn lands. Just don't fuck him.

So what woman ARE you?

Are you still the woman who fucks her friend’s husband?

I'm not judging you at all OP - we all mistakes. But at some point you will need to stop thinking that these people's marriage is any of your business and concentrate on your own life.

Your life will not be enriched by being in this situation and it could get a fuck of a lot worse. Your children don't deserve it, and neither frankly do you. Yes you are vulnerable and I'm not surprised that his pass at you made you feel special, but it doesn't feel so special being alone every night, does it? This man is not part of your future and the sooner you extract yourself from this situation and stop all contact with him the better.

Focus on yourself and finding a way to love (or just like) yourself, and then when dicks like this make a move you won't feel so pathetically grateful but spot them for what they are - chancers, losers and twats.

It's not easy but you can do it, you've clearly been through worse.

Ok well the scenarios and most likely outcomes have been spelt out to you already so I'm not going to rehash them.

But I will say this - HE'S ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO SAVE YOU.

Honestly you will be under the bus before you can blink.

Are your kids and his kids- who all get on so well- aware???

I was 11 when I watched my 3 friends' single mother go through something similar. The eldest daughter is now 45 and it's fair to say that the shit stained badly. It still stinks.

Do it to yourself if you want. Don't do it to your kids... or his.

You're barricading any happy, fulfilling opportunities of love. Don't do that. Close the door on this.

Be strong as in not listen to my heart but listen to my head. Be strong as in not give in and contact him. Be strong as in try to feel strong when I feel weak, and broken and despairing. Be strong when I can't get out of bed in the morning, when I can't move, can't summon energy to eat. I know he can't save me. He can't fix me. But no one else is listening to me. None of my friends, not a pity party no, reality in my world. People are scared of emotion... I'm not scared, but I am deeply deeply sad.

You can do it mrsmiss just get through each day in a way that makes you feel proud of yourself.

Battling depression - strength.

Not fucking your friend's husband - free will.

You are borrowing the language of struggle to frame this relationship.

Oh OP. I'm sorry this is all so awful for you and for everyone else.
You know your behaviour isn't how you'd really want to act, and I imagine the guilt must be absolutely horrendous. You must be caught up in all sorts of horrible cycles for this to continue despite you knowing all this.

I don't want to damn or judge, but I will add to the voices already saying:

He probably isn't actually that into you in any lasting or meaningful way, however it seems in the throws of passion/emotion. Or, if he is, it's in an illusory world and wouldn't stand up to the light of day/shitstorm that a real relationship would entail. Very few relationships which start this way work, even if he were to leave her for you. The background here makes it even less likely things would work out. And here's a sobering fact: men who are unfaithful almost always rate their spouses as more attractive than their OWs. I suggest you look up all types of these statistics and make yourself read them, to cut through the romantic ideas/feelings which no doubt keep this all going.
Look at them every morning or something. Write down the actual consequences of this, and read it back to yourself when you feel you're going to "relapse". There really is only pain and fear and rejection in your current route, if you don't cut this dead.
Good luck.

Yes, you are “that woman” and you’re still making excuses for yourself. Did you think people were going to say well, since you chose your own husband badly it’s completely understandable that you’d console yourself with someone else’s? That’s it’s ok to wreck your friend’s marriage because yours was unhappy? Really? And if this is how strangers on the internet feel about it, what response do you think you’ll get when all this comes out - from his wife, from mutual friends, in the playground? How will you explain to your children when they’ve heard things at school?

I didn't choose my husband badly? And I am not responsible for 'wrecking' my friends' marriage. I am not borrowing language... this is not an academic argument, this is my life. Thank you for the wise words of concern, I will keep strong.

Sigh.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I don't understand why you are posting -nobody here is going to give you sympathy. I also have no idea why when you say you have tried to stop seeing him but can't. How utterly ridiculous. Stop playing the victim and stop having sex with him.

I think the point about language is valid
You feel sad and while you know you need to walk away, you don't want to. You want the contact and affection and have been able to justify your actions by framing it romantically

While it may feel harsh to hear it would be helpful if you tried to call this relationship what it is. By talking about the need to be strong and thinking about stopping it in dramatic terms - 'what about the children' - you are giving this thing a romantic feel. If you can look clearly and unemotionally at your actions rather than cloaking your self in your feelings, you might find it easier to do the right thing.

Look if you want support in breaking off your affair with your friend's husband then you will get it.
But if you are really looking for MN to say yes you are sad and lonely and therefore keep on with your affair and watch his family life implode (because it will) then you are going to be disappointed.

The word Morality is deeply unfashionable I know but there is a lot of self worth to be found in doing the right thing - not just for yourself but for others - do the right thing.

Also (if you are not already taking them) talk to your gp about antidepressants - I've had them in the past and they helped me through an awful patch in my life.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm makes a really valid point - if this is the kind of response you get from strangers on a forum how do you plan to deal with the response from those personally affected by your actions? Because that’s something you need to consider if you decide to keep making excuses for this.

I know you are getting little sympathy here but really is not that difficult to stop shagging someone if you really want to. And that’s the problem, you don’t want to but you don’t want to be made out to be a total shit either. Unfortunately it’s one or the other in this situation.

Affairs are a load of bollocks. It’s not real, it’s romantic, secret meetings, longing to be together etc fucking etc. You aren’t doing the grocery shopping or nursing the other through a bad case of the shits. It’s fantasy and it’s not going to end well

And I am not responsible for 'wrecking' my friends' marriage

When this all comes out (and it's a case of when, not if) you will certainly be wrecking her marriage - but of course in reality it will be much worse than this. She will also be being betrayed by a good friend.
This will more than double the hurt.

Live with this on your conscience if you can. I can see how you were temped and fell into this situation, but you can CHOOSE to not let it continue. Of course it will be hard but you HAVE to do it - for your children sake if not the adults.

I'm sorry for framing it romantically, it being my emotions. I only answered about the difficulties of walking away because I was directly asked why not just walk away, what makes it so difficult? I was explaining that is is difficult, not justifying why I don't walk away, I was answering the question. I say be strong' because if I am to stop this now, walk away and all the things that everyone is saying, I believe I will need to be strong, because it won't be easy but I am committed to doing that, to doing the morally right thing. Use of language though - I did not 'wreck' anything. Somebody else made choices too, a grown-up, and there are others involved... it is not all just my fault just because I am the other woman. I am antidepressants, have been for three years, have had counselling - psychodynamic and CBT, am not saying this to excuse or justify. It in response to a direct question about whether I should see GP about meds. I do feel that the Fluoxetine numbs my emotional reaction (again not justifying or excusing) so maybe I don't feel as awful as I should because the effects of the serotonin in my brain is being maximised. I am not, absolutely not a drama queen trapped in a romantic idyll about an inobtainable knight in shining armour. I am a normal everyday person, a working mum, a person who loves her friends and family, a person like you might know. I am not the lowest of the low, I am not a criminal. I fell for someone, they have a part to play in this too. We rarely see each other, it is not some clandestine throes of passion sex-fest. Most of the time we text each other when we are lonely. But yes we have crossed a line and that is what causes us both big issues. I suppose yes support going 'no contact' because I know that needs to happen. I didn't want people to tell me that it was 'ok' because I was lonely... I just didn't want to dripfeed about my past. I believe I have suffered an experience with my previous relationship which has affected my self esteem and mental health and nobthat doesn't mean I can console myself with an unavailable man who is a friend's dh but if I hadn't explained that background people would have asked how could I do it, and believe me it doesn't take much when you are as low as you can go. I'm sorry for using the language of struggle. Perhaps it is because I am actually struggling? Just because I have had sex with a man who I should not have does not mean I can't be battling depression, I can't have experienced panic attacks and anxiety, I can't have guilt which cripples me. There is no such thing as 'decent' with regards to these situations. All of us are human, all of us make mistakes, all of us try to be the best parents for our kids... but some people seem to feel superior. I totally understand that if you've been betrayed either by a friend or by your partner, you will see things differently to me, but some people don't realise that although you think you know - in the right circumstances you might have an affair. I would have been absolutely absolute about it myself and for 43 years I've been 'decent' and then it changes, but you are the same person. Perhaps some of you will realise it one day.

My Dad had an affair when I was young. He was deeply unhappy in his marriage, and although I was angry with him when it came to light, he chose his family and ended the affair, but I actually think it would have been better for him if he'd followed his heart. I'm not saying this situation has any bearing on my own, just that I can see that an affair is a symptom sometimes of bigger issues. Happy people don't tend to have them.

Bloody hell, it must be so simple living in the black and white world some of you live in, where human behaviours and motivations can be simplified to simple "choices" and separated into "free will" and "not free will". You should really write to all the Nobel-Prize-Winning neuroscientists to let them know how clearly you've worked out all the things that still flummox the experts. Or you can just get your heads out of your arses. The judgment on these threads reminds me so much of telling overweight people to "just eat less". People, and what they do, are complicated. Look up the Zimbardo prison experiment, or Milgram, if you think you're immune to acting badly.

OP, I have a suspicion that this might not change till 1) the affair pleasure/satisfaction lessens and 2) the fear of the consequences increases. Also, like others have said, you really must work on other sources of positive emotion and affection.

No one's saying you're not battling on a lot of different fronts. But by continuing with this affair, you're adding yet more drama and complexity to your life. It doesn't sound like things could be worse if you broke it off. You'd be free of the threat of being found out, of losing your "friend", you could focus on yourself and your children, build yourself up, look properly to the future, think about meeting someone more deserving than this weak, deceitful man. But all you're doing now is expending masses and masses of energy that you don't have on something that's making you deeply unhappy and is threatening everything else that you do have.

You feel stuck, you're telling yourself this is the only good thing in your life and you're too scared to lose it. It's not good. It's dangerous, corrosive, distracting you from the rest of your life. And it doesn't sound like it's remotely worth it! You don't get to give yourself permission to have an affair because you haven't done it before, or because of your ex or your Dad or your depression. But you can decide you're worth more than being someone's bit on the side, worth more than betraying your friend, worth more than jeopardising yours and your children's place in the community/school/friendship groups.

It reads like you're on a party to self sabotage. He's not propping you up, you're propping him up. You might be enabling him to stay in a crappy marriage by providing just enough excitement and drama to keep him there.

What are you honestly getting from it? A tiny bit of escapism maybe. But not a proper present partner, not the promise of a happy future. He's sapping what little you have while life is so hard and stopping you from looking after yourself and building your life back up. Stop letting him.

What am I honestly getting from him? I am not saying this entitles me - but what I'm honestly getting is a sense of emotional connectedness. That is what I'm getting.

it is not all just my fault just because I am the other woman No one has suggested it is. But you are responsible for your own behaviour and you’re still excusing it - now your dad would have been happier with the OW? FFS.

Jeez you don't understand what I'm saying. I didn't say my dad's relationship means I am allowed to behave in a particular way. Just that I understand he was unhappy. When I say it is not my fault I don't mean that I am blameless, when I say I'm not wrecking a marriage I don't mean I have no part in it. I am not seeking to absolve myself. I just follow where the harsh blame comes from? A very welcome distraction in keeping my no contact mission today though so thank you.