I realise this is going to prompt an onslaught of criticism, fair enough. I just wondered there are people who could help me as I can't talk in real life.
I'm not excusing my behaviour but context: I had previously only had two relationships - my 'first love' at college, and my husband of 11 years. We have 4 dc. Our relationship was on the surface fine in the early days, but as we had children, and I know people will think 'how could you not know' - his behaviours became more and more difficult to live with, and we embarked on marriage counselling, and eventually dh was diagnosed with Asperger's. We both tried to deal with this as best we could, but after a further year and a half of counselling and best efforts, we both mutually agreed to separate.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and felt like my life was not worth living. Single parent, in 40s, part-time work, scraping money together, dealing with loss and disappointment of marriage and the impact of living with emotionally unavailable man who always seemed so harsh/manipulative but also vulnerable, making it hard for me to see the wood for the trees.
I became close friends with a couple, our kids get on well, and we spent time together over the next year or so. Fast forward to a party earlier this year, the man in this couple gets v. drunk and makes a pass at me. I think I'm being really careful to avoid hurting his feelings, and my good friend his wife, and stop things in their tracks. However, I wasn't prepared for how it made me feel. To him it was probably just a drunken fumble. To me, it was highly significant - one of the few times in my life that someone has shown me such attention. He contacted me afterwards and we 'talked', discussing the fact that neither of us 'did this kind of thing' and that it was no big deal, a mistake, hadn't gone too far, no harm done. But then over a period of weeks and months our friendship has gradually developed. To begin with it seemed he was stuck in an unhappy relationship and spending a very brief time talking to me helped him, and me, to feel less lonely. However, now I feel like it is me who has fallen deeply in love with this person, and he is either (a) regretting his actions and looking for a 'safe' exit strategy, (b) in denial and scared about the strength of his initial feelings, worried about everyone else's reaction if it was discovered etc or (c) just chaotically enjoying the rare moments we do get to spend time together, but feeling guilty otherwise. I've obviously tried to talk about it but it never really goes anywhere. He knew before we got together that I was depressed. He knows I find it tough being on my own with the kids, but I genuinely believe he thinks I can help him and he can help me. I swing between being horrified at myself for putting myself in this situation - I know how low my behaviour is, I know what is at stake, I know I can't have much self-respect if I let him basically take what he wants when he wants. But, I do feel so much better for having a connection with someone for the first time in my adult life. I obviously thought I had it with my stb ex dh but was bewildered by his condition, hoodwinked by his manipulation and brought down by the endless negativity and anxiety that our relationship brought to bear on me. Part of me thinks 'why shouldn't I?' but then I remember that I'm not even happy as everything is on his terms. I think I know what people are going to say, and honestly I will read your comments and will think carefully. I know it will be too painful for some people to try to imagine from my perspective, but if anyone has experiences to share that might help me, I would be grateful. Thank you.