AIBU to not want to pay towards SIL's wedding?

[MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta]

DH has 4 siblings. They consider themselves to be super close, do loads of things together, and tell each other all the minutiae of their lives.

Growing up, the family were quite wealthy. FIL had a good job, and they basically got everything they wanted.

FIL's parents died around 15 years ago, and he inherited their house, which he sold for £100k. It was decided that this money would be split between the siblings, to give them as a deposit for a house, or towards a wedding, whichever they wanted.

SIL1 got married about 9 years ago. She was given her 20k as a house deposit, but then PIL also paid for her big, fancy wedding, which DH reckons was around another 20k.

Shortly after this, FIL had to leave work due to an injury. He was out of work for some time, before eventually finding a new job, which was just above minimum wage. During this time, he and MIL continued to spend as much as they always had done.

Next, BIL announced he was buying a flat. No money was forthcoming for the deposit; PIL gave him a voucher for about £100 and that was it.

Then DH and I got married; again, no money. Fine, we didn't expect anything, but I did think DH should have asked what was happening with the money.

Next, FIL started to ask to borrow money. Long story short, it turned out that he wouldn't tell MIL that money was tight, so she was still spending wildly, all savings were gone, and there was no money left.

Now SIL2 has announced she's getting married. She's younger than DH by about 10 years, and has always been very much the baby of the family. She has never had a job (she's waiting for "the right thing" to come along, apparently), and has a small amount of savings. Her wedding plans are fairly grand, but obviously she can't afford them.

SIL1 has sat the other siblings down and said that she thinks they should all chip in "a couple of grand" so she can have her dream wedding. She pointed out that PIL have worked hard and will be embarrassed if SIL has a small wedding; she also said "they've done so much for us over the years, we should pay something back". Bear in mind that this SIL is the one who got a flat deposit and a large wedding paid for; the rest of us haven't had that.

DH doesn't want to, but when she says things like "family have to stick together", "we're a close family; we help each other out if we can", "are any of us really going to enjoy the wedding if we know [SIL] wanted more?" etc, I can see him feeling guilty.

We are currently saving for a house deposit, so we do have a bank account with enough money in it, but I just think it would be absolutely ridiculous to hand it over.

If PILs had attempted to rein in their spending and save up once FIL lost his job, or if SIL2 had got herself a job, and if it was a smaller amount of money, I'd be happy enough. But I'm currently thinking no way. DH is wavering though, and SIL1 is really putting pressure on. BIL is pretty well off and would hand it over happily. Other SIL is thinking more like DH, but is also feeling the pressure.

Should I stick to my guns? Suggest we give a smaller amount (but then DH will feel stingy)? Tell SIL1 to stop asking about it (although this will cause a big row and DH will be upset)? Or stay out of it (but risk DH committing us to the full amount)?

I'd send FizzyGreen's suggested text.

If SIL1 feels so bad about it then why doesn't she put her hand in her pocket, bearing in mind she's the only one to have the financial help that was originally promised?

SIL1 sounds horrible! Why on earth isn't your DH putting her straight?

Your parents in law sound just as bad!

Thanks for the replies. I have things clearer in my own head now! I'll start by talking to DH about the guilt trips being laid on him. Unfortunately he's lived with that kind of thing his whole life - that and the necessity of doing nothing to destroy the "closeness" of the family.

Then we'll get an email together just saying what someone suggested above - that we are not making a financial donation as we have prioritised saving for a house deposit.

We may consider offering to organise the cake - I have a cousin who's good friend is a baker and would do a good job. We'll set a budget and ask SIL2 what she wants.

Good for you! I actually would not stay with a DH that prioritised his sibling's wedding (when she wasn't even working) over a house purchase with me.

Please let us know how your SIL responds!

Are your dh’s family minor aristocracy? I have a bunch of relatives who are, and they would be like this: daughters don’t work, unless it’s in ‘the arts’; sons go into farming, army, banking or the Church. Parents pay for daughter’s weddings but not sons. Daughter’s weddings take place at the family Seat, are lavish, attended by selected Society press.

Lots of daughters means very expensive for parents, unless one marries another minor aristocrat and wedding is held at his family seat and uses his family’s staff.

I can see siblings contributing to later daughters’ weddings under those circumstances, but those siblings will be earning ridiculous amounts by the privilege their ‘position in Society’ has brought to their career.

But I don’t think this is the case here, is it, op? Otherwise there’d be no house deposits because there’d be The Gatehouse or The Dower House etc for you all to live in.

I'd also make it clear that the cake is your wedding present to them and not to be expecting anything else. I have visions of lavish gift lists appearing or requests for honeymoon excursions.

Glad he is seeing the light.
You can word the email very cleverly.

Closeness to us means celebrating together and you stand united as a family and welcome Bil into the family, and wish the couple well for both for Richer and Poorer. However despite that closeness we didn't look for or receive any financial support from the family for our wedding and are not in a position to offer financial support to another wedding. However if she needs support budgeting or looking for deals you'll happily help look for items on the facebook selling pages etc.

I'm sure there is bound to be other none financial ways to show closeness and support. Make favours etc

Id point out that putting unfair pressure on a close family is exactly what will cause fall outs and the breakdown of the closeness. I'd also point out that a lot of the family are unrealistic about money and expecting everything top class without any work, while others try and save. Remind her that she was given a lot of help compared to other family members and she is not thinking of her whole family and how they might have to really work to finance deposits etc. Tell her she is putting a lot of pressure on others and upsetting them.

Sounds like she's been brought up with as unrealistic an approach to money as her sister. They both need to learn how the world and money works.

I like tradition, especially wedding tradition. Where I live, it is traditional for the bride's family to give her a cow. My husband did this for his sister when she got married (he did also give her a tumble drier). It was a very nice cow and his sister was very pleased.
Offer a cow, in the interests of maintaining tradition.

A cow

A cow would be brilliant!

Not aristocracy, no, though I think they'd like to be!

Has no one pointed out to SIL that she got given loads of money but no one else did!?

Dearie me!

I can't stand these (so-called) "close" families which aren't close at all. What they really mean is that they have a few entitled & controlling people who are completely disengaged from other people's feelings and wishes.

Give whatever present you want to give and don't let anyone manipulate you, especially not someone who has benefitted so much more than you from the 'closeness'.

Tell her to get bent.

If my DH gave away our money against my wishes I would also be rethinking my marriage too tbh.

It was a very nice cow and his sister was very pleased

Unexpected perhaps, but probably the best sentence I've ever read on a wedding thread

It's no surprise to hear your DH has had a lifetime of this, OP, but I think your idea's excellent. Talk with him so he knows you're absolutely together on this, then send your email and stand strong before the demands get any worse

What response did you get to the email, op?

You could offer a cuddly cow .

Love the cow! A goat would be more MN - and more practical perhaps?

We had a good chat yesterday evening, and DH is starting to see how his family use emotional manipulation to try to control each other. He wasn't aware of it at all when we got together at first - it was only when he saw how my family interacted that he started to think maybe his family wasn't the "gold standard " that his parents made them believe (he and his siblings don't generally have a lot of friends- they say this is because they're "close" and don't need anyone else, but I suspect it's because PILs like to stop them from being influenced by non-family members).

Anyway, it felt like we made a bit of progress in terms of him seeing the manipulation being used.

We're writing an email and sending it to SIL this afternoon!

Good, I am glad, it is unacceptable to ask people to pay for your wedding, she has to cut her cloth by her measure and have the wedding they both can afford. It is unreasonable for your inlaws to expect you all to pay for it. The family sound very toxic, and you have to stand your ground and be firm.

Good luck! Nasty tactic, trying to shut down disagreement by suggesting 'we all stick together in this family ' when it really means 'we all do what I say in this family'.

And it's so blatantly about social status too. Deary me.

What was the response to the email?

@Petalflowers we just sent it about an hour ago or so. She prob won't even have read it yet.

You absolutely shouldn’t pay a penny. I can’t believe how unfairly your PILs have handled this.

He'd age two hopes of that OP, and one of theme dead.