DH has 4 siblings. They consider themselves to be super close, do loads of things together, and tell each other all the minutiae of their lives.
Growing up, the family were quite wealthy. FIL had a good job, and they basically got everything they wanted.
FIL's parents died around 15 years ago, and he inherited their house, which he sold for £100k. It was decided that this money would be split between the siblings, to give them as a deposit for a house, or towards a wedding, whichever they wanted.
SIL1 got married about 9 years ago. She was given her 20k as a house deposit, but then PIL also paid for her big, fancy wedding, which DH reckons was around another 20k.
Shortly after this, FIL had to leave work due to an injury. He was out of work for some time, before eventually finding a new job, which was just above minimum wage. During this time, he and MIL continued to spend as much as they always had done.
Next, BIL announced he was buying a flat. No money was forthcoming for the deposit; PIL gave him a voucher for about £100 and that was it.
Then DH and I got married; again, no money. Fine, we didn't expect anything, but I did think DH should have asked what was happening with the money.
Next, FIL started to ask to borrow money. Long story short, it turned out that he wouldn't tell MIL that money was tight, so she was still spending wildly, all savings were gone, and there was no money left.
Now SIL2 has announced she's getting married. She's younger than DH by about 10 years, and has always been very much the baby of the family. She has never had a job (she's waiting for "the right thing" to come along, apparently), and has a small amount of savings. Her wedding plans are fairly grand, but obviously she can't afford them.
SIL1 has sat the other siblings down and said that she thinks they should all chip in "a couple of grand" so she can have her dream wedding. She pointed out that PIL have worked hard and will be embarrassed if SIL has a small wedding; she also said "they've done so much for us over the years, we should pay something back". Bear in mind that this SIL is the one who got a flat deposit and a large wedding paid for; the rest of us haven't had that.
DH doesn't want to, but when she says things like "family have to stick together", "we're a close family; we help each other out if we can", "are any of us really going to enjoy the wedding if we know [SIL] wanted more?" etc, I can see him feeling guilty.
We are currently saving for a house deposit, so we do have a bank account with enough money in it, but I just think it would be absolutely ridiculous to hand it over.
If PILs had attempted to rein in their spending and save up once FIL lost his job, or if SIL2 had got herself a job, and if it was a smaller amount of money, I'd be happy enough. But I'm currently thinking no way. DH is wavering though, and SIL1 is really putting pressure on. BIL is pretty well off and would hand it over happily. Other SIL is thinking more like DH, but is also feeling the pressure.
Should I stick to my guns? Suggest we give a smaller amount (but then DH will feel stingy)? Tell SIL1 to stop asking about it (although this will cause a big row and DH will be upset)? Or stay out of it (but risk DH committing us to the full amount)?