AIBU to not want to pay towards SIL's wedding?

[MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta]

DH has 4 siblings. They consider themselves to be super close, do loads of things together, and tell each other all the minutiae of their lives.

Growing up, the family were quite wealthy. FIL had a good job, and they basically got everything they wanted.

FIL's parents died around 15 years ago, and he inherited their house, which he sold for £100k. It was decided that this money would be split between the siblings, to give them as a deposit for a house, or towards a wedding, whichever they wanted.

SIL1 got married about 9 years ago. She was given her 20k as a house deposit, but then PIL also paid for her big, fancy wedding, which DH reckons was around another 20k.

Shortly after this, FIL had to leave work due to an injury. He was out of work for some time, before eventually finding a new job, which was just above minimum wage. During this time, he and MIL continued to spend as much as they always had done.

Next, BIL announced he was buying a flat. No money was forthcoming for the deposit; PIL gave him a voucher for about £100 and that was it.

Then DH and I got married; again, no money. Fine, we didn't expect anything, but I did think DH should have asked what was happening with the money.

Next, FIL started to ask to borrow money. Long story short, it turned out that he wouldn't tell MIL that money was tight, so she was still spending wildly, all savings were gone, and there was no money left.

Now SIL2 has announced she's getting married. She's younger than DH by about 10 years, and has always been very much the baby of the family. She has never had a job (she's waiting for "the right thing" to come along, apparently), and has a small amount of savings. Her wedding plans are fairly grand, but obviously she can't afford them.

SIL1 has sat the other siblings down and said that she thinks they should all chip in "a couple of grand" so she can have her dream wedding. She pointed out that PIL have worked hard and will be embarrassed if SIL has a small wedding; she also said "they've done so much for us over the years, we should pay something back". Bear in mind that this SIL is the one who got a flat deposit and a large wedding paid for; the rest of us haven't had that.

DH doesn't want to, but when she says things like "family have to stick together", "we're a close family; we help each other out if we can", "are any of us really going to enjoy the wedding if we know [SIL] wanted more?" etc, I can see him feeling guilty.

We are currently saving for a house deposit, so we do have a bank account with enough money in it, but I just think it would be absolutely ridiculous to hand it over.

If PILs had attempted to rein in their spending and save up once FIL lost his job, or if SIL2 had got herself a job, and if it was a smaller amount of money, I'd be happy enough. But I'm currently thinking no way. DH is wavering though, and SIL1 is really putting pressure on. BIL is pretty well off and would hand it over happily. Other SIL is thinking more like DH, but is also feeling the pressure.

Should I stick to my guns? Suggest we give a smaller amount (but then DH will feel stingy)? Tell SIL1 to stop asking about it (although this will cause a big row and DH will be upset)? Or stay out of it (but risk DH committing us to the full amount)?

There's no bloody way I'd contribute, purely because sil2 doesn't work. Is she batshit, getting married with zero income? Is her dh to be well off?

If SIL1 said family should help if they can then your answer is there. You can't afford to help so you won't be handing over any money.
If she gets shirty then tell her you'll give x amount but as your saving for a house your looking forward to everyone's contribution to your deposit as of course family helps when they can.

Honest to goodness.

Give your husband a (metaphorical) slap, tell him to stop wavering & the answer that he is looking for is no fucking way/don't be so daft/hahahahaha!

Whatever anyone else has or hasn't had, you can't afford it and that's that.

Tell your husband to have some bloody sense & not be like his parents.

Sounds as if once FIL lost his job there was no chance of the rest of the £100,00 being used for anyone but him & MIL.

Which is fine as it was their money & circumstances changed.

The wedding will last one night, then it's over. It's not a good reason to give money. Seeing SIL2 got the lavish wedding, she could maybe contribute a few ££££ out of guilt but the rest of you shouldn't. Unless you are loaded of course.

No, it's crazy. Keep you sensible gat on. Your main priority is now to your familys future and not a siblings party.

Have PILs asked her to pay towards/for it?
And she's thinking a problem shared is a problem quartered?

Imagine if they get divorced!!! How pissed off would you be?

Can I just check, did you and your DH actually pay for your wedding yourselves, or did your parents pay for it/contribute towards it? Similarly with your other BIL - was the wedding paid for by his wife's family?

Because traditionally the Bride's father pays for the wedding. So, if all the other siblings have had the wedding paid for by the bride's father, but FIL cannot afford to pay for SIL's, then I can kind of see why the family might feel they should pay for it.

Not saying that I agree with the outdated concept, but if you accepted help (from whichever source, but most likely your parents) with your wedding, then it seems fairly reasonable for your DH to offer some help along to your SIL2 in lieu of your FIL being able to contribute.

I don't think your SIL2 can expect a £20K dream wedding though, when someone else is being expected to pick up the bill.

If she's so keen on the whole supportive family thing then tell her it's about time she remortgaged £30 k from her house and passed on 10k to each of her siblings.

Not in a million years.

I’d also be strongly encouraging FH to illuminate her mother regarding her finances. How on earth can the four siblings stand by and watch their mother unknowingly sink herself further in debt? She’s not a child!

Oops DH, his mother

The OP already stated in the OP that she and her spouse received no money from the PIL for their wedding.

YUNBA

Do not take money that you are saving for a house and give it them. That would be foolish.

Sounds like his family just wants to pretend they have more money than they do. That doesn't work long term, and if you and your DH get caught up in it, you will never have any assets.

Does your DH see how dysfunctional his family is with money?

OK, presuming that SIL2 doesn't know what is going on, then Io can understand why SIL1 might suggest this, as a way to save face for her parents who went all out for her wedding. Are they the only 2 daughters?
That doesn't change the fact that you can't afford to pay for your SIL to have a lavish wedding through. Does it have to be an expensive affair? Could you all come up with a family plan for a village hall cash bar fantastic buffet lots of dancing and laughter type do that would be grand enough to stop PILs being embarrassed but stylish enough that SIL2 has a lovely time. Is she quirky at all? Is there anything off the wall that could be done to give her a stand-out wedding (if that's what she wants) without it being so expensive. Formal 'expensive dress, flowers and cake' weddings are so 'last year'!

“SIL1, just to make you aware, we’ve had no financial help for x and y. Of course we’d like to contribute to SIL2s wedding - at the same time, we dont have the money to be spending thousands. We were thinking about offering to buy the cake/whatever. I feel that’s more personal than spending thousands which we can’t afford.”

Nailed it

DH and I had a fairly small wedding. My parents bought my dress and the bridesmaids dresses, and paid for the men's suit hire. We paid the rest.

Not sure about BILs - I think him and his wife paid for it, but I don't know whether her mum helped out (her dad isn't around).

Is there anything you can do to help DH say no to his sister?

Also WTF is FiL thinking not telling his wife they have money issues? That is so fucking dumb I can't express it.

@Andtheresaw there's another sister, who's not married (and claims she and her DP are never getting married!).

families are strange when it comes to money and what's 'fair'

dp's two older siblings decided that his mum's estate should be passed on to the great grandchildren, (ie their grandchildren)

that cut out two of her own children, who had no grandchildren (yet)

however, all 4 of her own children had to divvy up for her memorial stone which the two eldest chose , so fixed the budget without any consultation them -dont look look that, its only money!, when we were a bit taken aback with our bill (they were all on good salaries, we were students at the time)

tell sil , that though the close siblings dont talk about money, she needs to consider that every couple have their own financial obligations and she cant decide what others should pay out.

@SilverSpot yeah, I'd love to give FIL a shake. In fairness, I don't think they're in any debt - MIL stops spending when the card stops working. DH has lent him money in the past, but he's always paid it back. FIL always tells DH not to tell anyone though (including me - DH always tells me).

SilverSpot I think OP said that MIL now knows there's no money, but keeps spending lavishly ... which is a shame of course, but surely something for her and FIL to sort out between themselves

Yeah, MIL spends like mad until the money runs out, is what I mean. So they never build up any savings.

however, all 4 of her own children had to divvy up for her memorial stone which the two eldest chose , so fixed the budget without any consultation them -dont look look that, its only money!, when we were a bit taken aback with our bill (they were all on good salaries, we were students at the time)

That always annoys me - they should have got a quote and held the money back from the Estate. It is an expense of the estate (along with the funeral)

I think offering to buy a cake would be lovely-perhaps just approach SIL2 directly about it?

"No."
^ a complete sentence. Repeat, stone wall style. Any reason you give will be dismissed, and opens the floor for argument discussion. Save your breath.
The shaming, guilt tripping, manipulative comments can be responded to with:
"Sorry, we are not up for the manipulation."
" No. "
( "And that is our final answer".)

Rehearse your script with your dh so he wont cave in in the moment.