Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

16 yo son made a one word sarcy comment. He want about to hit his mom or threaten her. How can you think SCREAMING IN HIS FACE AND THREATENING HIM is an appropriate response FlowerPot1234 I worry how some people do/would raise their own kids of they think SCREAMING IN A CHILD FACE AND THREATENING THEM is ok

What happens when his own kids get cheeky and teenagers? perhaps he could jab given him a slap for good measure? Screamed in OP's face fOP'letting him be disrespectful?

And moving far away was clearly drama-llama behaviour. He could have stayed closer, taken care of his own children as per their arrangmenets and worked with OP to sort this out. Instead he punished his own kids by wothdrawong completely to force OP's hand

it's not just shouting!

would you consider it to be just shouting if an adult man got in your face and screamed?

What a mess. We learn from the people around us on how to form relationships, how to work hard and study, so that later on they become functioning adults in society. You're teaching him that it's okay to run away from your problems rather than work it out as a family. None of us are perfect but unfortunately you're his role model. What you gonna do about the other children. You have other children and you've made it about your older son. You don't want to mend it for the sake of your relationship or your children.

I had a situation very like the OP's

My DS was being cheeky and rude for a few weeks, I had told him numerous times to cut it out, all fell on deaf ears, he would just grin and laugh about it

My DP snapped and shouted at him, I was in the room and seen and heard it all

My DS was shocked, we talked about it later and he asked why wasn't I mad with DP, I had to explain that I felt they were both wrong, that DS has to be aware how his actions affect others and DP should have held his temper

If I hadnt been in the room and had just heard it from DS, I am 100% sure I would have asked DP to leave

As it is they seem to have moved on and DS is slightly less annoying

I feel I have made the right decision but it did take some thinking about

Good luck whatever you decide OP

Wow. I see the usual lines are being dragged out here.

"You must have left out details op as dp wouldnt have kicked off for just a normal teen behaviour"
"There's more to this"
"Your son obviously deserved it for disrespecting you."
"Dp was 'defending' you"
"Teen has split your family"
"Your dp was right"

This is a teen being a teen. It wasnt him shouting or swearing at op, he did do as he was told just with a typical teen "alright" nothing to get excited over.
If i had 1p for everytime mine said "ok i am coming" in a sarky voice i would be rich. I dont go off on one screaming and swearing and threatening him in his face. I tell him to get moving or i will remove privileges.

Op WAS handling it there wasnt any need to go steamrolling in like that.

My teen has very low self esteem and would be crushed by something like that. He gets told off properly when necessary and apologises after it.

Ops partner has deliberately moved away so he isnt around for his own kids to punish op for standing up to him.
I am a bit concerned as to what happens when op isnt there with 2 little ones trying his patience.

If dp had done this to op then the answers would have been totaly different. But somehow its ok to do it to a boy.

And all because the son misbehaved indeed.

What you continue to ignore Flower Pot is that the conflict between her son and her was just that; a conflict that was also short lived. OP felt that the situation was under control (she did not ask her partner to intervene) but he for his own reasons took it upon himself to get in the boy's face. Her partner's actions going forward made a mountain out of a molehill. He caused his own self to leave by his actions. That boy is not and has never been responsible for the actions of this adult male.

You're teaching him that it's okay to run away from your problems rather than work it out as a family.

No, she's teaching him that abuse like that is never ok. To treat someone, anyone, like that is never ok.

God, no wonder that domestic abuse is rife - when screaming in someone's face and making threats to a 16yr old is considered excusable.

If you've only been with your partner two years, this looks like he's looking to see what boundaries he can push.
His reaction wasn't normal, and from what you've written he looks as though he was goading your son so it would escalate. Sadly if you do have him back, it sends a message to him that his behaviour is acceptable, and the boundaries start to blur.
I can see though what a horrible situation your in, as you have two little ones
Have you done the freedom programme OP?

In this instance one person is a child and the other an adult. The son was pushing boundaries, however, this didn't warrant the angry screaming response he received.

The moving far away - well, that speaks volumes in itself...

I'm sorry, you are going through this, OP.

FFS the son did a bit of huffing and puffing and gave a sarcastic “alright”, so now he’s spoilt, pandered too, disrespectful? And the apparently the OP overreacted?

I, and others, have asked what posters think the OP should have done if the DP had treated her in exactly the same way as he has spoken to the 16yo. I’m yet to see anyone reply! She would have got numerous LTB if he treated her this way, kids or no kids, and rightly so!

Shoes - but would it not be better to teach her son forgiveness, not zero tolerance for what as far as we know was a one off event? The OP doesn't say he's abusing her son, she states he lost his rag and went too far. We've all done that surely?

JemimaLovesHamble Tue 24-Oct-17 00:16:25
"No-one would call a woman a "good Mum" or agree in the comments that she was if we were told she'd screamed in her stepson's face. Just saying. The bar is set so low for men"

I think there may be some truth to this.

At the same time, I agree it's a tricky decision due to the younger children involved.

But blaming the teen for the situation as some posters are doing just seems totally OTT.

I have moaned at my teen for not finding a job: it doesn't actually mean he is useless and disrespectful, jobs are hard to find; it's my frustrations and worries about his future coming to the surface. And if he were to answer as the OPs ds did, that would not be about a fundamental disrespect of me; it would be his frustrations being voiced.

Some posters really don't seem to like children much.

What does the son do if he isn't working or studying? And why do you already have 2 kids with a man you've only been with for 2 years?

Frankly OP you've made shit decision after shit decision.

If your son doesn't have much confidence, that's on you.

Your abusive first relationship wasn't your fault obviously, but it was your fault you exposed your kids to it.

So basically you now have a man forced to move miles away from his children (where else is he going to go? Unlike in MN world, not everyone has money lying around).

You have two young kids without their dad because he raised his voice at their brother's cheekiness.

You have an insecure and underconfident son on the brink of adulthood, about to feel the weight of a psychological burden you put on him.

Bad decisions, time after time. As a mother your job isnt just to protect your son, its to make decisions that shape who they will become.

I know this os harsh, but its because a lot has been focused on blaming either the son or the partner here. Most of the responsibility, not for this event but for the whole setup, lies with you.

flower
How on earth from ops posts have you decided her son is pandered to and thoroughly spoilt?

Because she stood up to an adult bully to protect him?

You really must set the bar low on patenting strategies when you think an adult screaming, swearing and threatening a boy right in his face is acceptable.

I can't believe how many so easily excuse his behaviour or are blaming it on the son. Shoeshavesouls, indeed this is why abuse is rife as too many excuse it.

How sad many believe he should have to put up with it so that the mum or younger siblings are happy.

It's got nothing to do with teaching him it's ok to run from situations? Would you advise a daughter the same if she was the victim of abuse? That she ran away rather? I doubt it.

Just to be clear, it looks like your DP is trying to push the boundaries on what behaviour he can get away with, not your son.

@Miserylovescompany2

Where do you expect the man to go other than to his family? Not everyone is minted and can afford a hotel or double rent FYI

OP, you did the right thing.

No question.

The step dad was trying to make amends we are only human beings. None of us are perfect and it does sound like a one of that should never have happened. In my house we talk about our feelings whether we're angry, sad or even happy. We work like that because we don't minimise other people's feelings because we talk. The op and her family should be having a open hearted discussion about how everyone feels. That takes work but it shouldn't because everyone leaves the table feeling heard.

OP you did the right thing.

However, the family as a whole are affected. I think you’ve absolutely shown your son and your partner where the land lies. Full stop.

If this was a one off, can you all see a way forward?

Flower you did notice the dp didn't think it was at all important or wrong until he was asked to leave?

Now he has went to live with relatives far away instead of getting somewhere close to his own kids says volumes . He is putting himself first in everything pretty crap behaviour for a father.

Are you gazing into your crystal ball @splendidiolation ? How do you know the financial situation of another you have no connection with?

Your response further up thread is vile! Give your head a wobble then hang it in shame!

Your son needs to come first.

I think there’s a big difference between a one off out of character incident and a pattern or behaviour which constitutes abuse.

Only the OP knows if it was the only time he’s been out of order and so out of character.

If it is out of character yet then I think there’s the possibility it’s repairable, especially given her partner wants to try counselling and deal with this head on rather than pretending it never happened.

Likewise it’s not repairable if this was the last eat in a line of escalating behaviour over time and he’s theresfore a ritual abuser.

he states he lost his rag and went too far. We've all done that surely?

no
i am sorry i have never lost control so badly that i have screamed in my sons faces. never. I have never screamed in my husbands face either.

i might have had a shout and a rant in general but no i have never threatened anyone in an aggressive manner.