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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

594 replies

Anonaninanan · 23/10/2017 22:31

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 24/10/2017 10:01

Bottom line for me: this pathetic excuse for a man has fucked off some distance and isn't there for his own children.

I'm not even talking about the practical ongoing parenting. I mean the early weeks of upset and confusion when their primary carer has just disappeared.

Even if you believe anyone can lose their temper and this can be worked through...

He has told you everything you need to know about him. He is a cunt who just ditches his kids.

It was really unwise to have 2 children in 3 years with him.

TwattyCatty · 24/10/2017 10:01

Why don't you want to accept that the son caused this, the son disrespected his mother

Probably because he didn't.

I feel so sorry for this boy, he's been so let down, again and again.

Oddmanout · 24/10/2017 10:02

What would you have done if he was his biological father and had shouted at your son to back you up? Yes I think it sounds like he went a bit far, but if he lives with you and accepts your older children as part of his family, it stands to reason he should have some rights to install discipline.
16 is a difficult age, no longer a child but not yet an adult, boundary’s are there to be pushed and by giving him a wake up call he may just have been a bit more considerate to your expectations for him.
Now your family has been ripped apart, your son can be as disrespectful as he likes, your younger kids have lost there father in their everyday life, you’re miserable, and your partner has lost his home, kids and partner all because he raised his voice? I get the feeling there is more to this story.... perhaps it had been building for a while and your partner felt he needed to step in?

This.

Chocolaterainbows · 24/10/2017 10:02

There have been a series of unwise decisions made by the op.

springydaffs · 24/10/2017 10:05

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of what happened, what stands out to me is he has moved far, far away.

How is it productive to move so far away so that eg counselling is impossible?

It rather looks like you're being punished for making your choice. How can he reconcile moving so far away from his own blood children, who are small, and he was the primary carer?

Yy there's an issue with finances no doubt but you don't just walk away from your children, particularly if you were up to then the SAHP.

schoolgaterebel · 24/10/2017 10:07

I think you’ve overreacted, you all need to sit down and have a family discussion, your DS sounds quite immature. You can sort this out as a family.

Jasminedes · 24/10/2017 10:07

Zero tolerance is zero tolerance, I think.you are wise to have this policy. The only thing I would say, is don't put the responsibility on your son 'to be ready to have him back'. You are the adult, you asked him to leave. Your son would be rightly let down if you invite him back. If you do, you make the choice, not him.

muttmad · 24/10/2017 10:12

Springydaffs... just look at this from the mans point of view, he watched his 16 year old step son being disrespectful to his mother, I would imagine not for the first time, something was said that made him feel the need to step in and back his partner up, partner then rounded on him, made him feel like he was not a real part of the family, told him to leave his house, his kids his life over a shout, I imagine he’s angry, confused,sad and betrayed, the fact that he already wants to move back suggests that moving and staying away was not his intention!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2017 10:13

"Why don't you want to accept that the son caused this, the son disrespected his mother?"

The adult male's actions in all this made this far worse. Their argument was not actually about one person supposedly disrespecting another one. All his feelings of being supposedly disrespected made matters far worse. Also the OP had this under control, this was nothing whatsoever to do with this man in the first place. She did not herself need him to come to her defence and also did not ask for him to intervene. He took it upon his own self to do that and the consequences for his actions are his.

He chose to move back miles away, no-one but he did that.

springydaffs · 24/10/2017 10:23

your DS sounds quite immature

Erm. DS is 16 for goodness sake. That's 'immature' territory for goodness sake Hmm

How long has he been gone op? What's the time span here?

madcatwoman61 · 24/10/2017 10:23

Total over reaction, unless there’s a huge Back story. Your son was being a typical teenage boy, pushing boundaries, he’s not a baby. Your partner had finally had enough of watching you pussyfoot around him and lost his rag. What was needed was for everyone to go and calm down, and then resolve the matter. Your teenager now knows he has the power to split the family up, which will do him no end of harm, and your 2youngest have lost their dad because of it, which is hardly to their benefit. Congratulations

springydaffs · 24/10/2017 10:23

Goodness sake overload there

magoria · 24/10/2017 10:26

You were moaning at a 16 year old about not looking hard enough for a job and he now a few weeks later already has one?

That doesn't sound like a typical lazy 16 year old. To have left school in July and have a job in October.

A lot of people huff and eye roll that doesn't mean anyone should get in their face screaming and leaving them in tears.

loveyoutothemoon · 24/10/2017 10:27

That's a big warning sign, he was warning your son that he was so close to physically assaulting him and that it would be likely to happen next time. Not sure I could come back from that, constantly worrying about it happening again.

But he does sound genuinely sorry. I would leave it a bit longer, your son isn't ready to see him understandably and I would be putting my child first. See how everyone feels in a few weeks maybe, as it's still raw. Tell your DP you need more time to think.

Wherearemymarbles · 24/10/2017 10:28

There are 2 other children in the mix here besides your son.

For their sakes you should at least try counselling - your son should be solely responsible for dictating their future relationship with their father.

loveyoutothemoon · 24/10/2017 10:29

And, my teenager rolls her eyes and moans but I'd never scream and shout in her face. That's just so unacceptable.

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 24/10/2017 10:30

Why don't you want to accept that the son caused this, the son disrespected his mother

So he was asking for it basically? Deserved everything he got? Being screamed at aggressively and threatened? Whatof he'd given him a little slap ? Would that be ok too? Or are we only protecting our children from PHYSICAL abuse these days??

"""My partner got in my face and scrramrd at, telling me that I needed to show him respect and if I didn't he would come down so hard on me I wouldn't know what had hit me. I was really upset but he said I'd caused it. Did I deserve to be treated like that?""

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 24/10/2017 10:31

"^My partner got in my face and screamed at me, telling me that I needed to show him respect and if I didn't he would come down so hard on me I wouldn't know what had hit me. I was really upset but he said I'd caused it. Did I deserve to be treated like that? Should I just stay?

FlowerPot1234 · 24/10/2017 10:31

This thread is crazy. A rude (and thoroughly pandered-to and spoilt -sounding) 16 year old is rude to his mother, her partner defends her and she kicks the partner, biological father to two children, out of the home. The son who was disrespectful gets no punishment. The partner who defended her loses his home and is far from his children.

And all because the son misbehaved, and the partner shouted in his face. And some like Atilla think it's all got nothing to do with the son's actions Hmm. Total, twisted over reaction.

crunchtime · 24/10/2017 10:32

has anybody bread the bit where the OP says her ex was abusive?

Her teenage son has been subjected to or witness to violence in the past. Do you realise what issues that can cause for kids?

To later have someone-in his HOME-where he is supposed to feel safe- be so aggressive must have been awful.

And i am sorry but those of you saying her son was out of order to roll his eyes, walk away and speak in a sarcastic tone...god help you when you have teenagers!

crunchtime · 24/10/2017 10:35

AND!!! the op and her partner have only been together for 2 years!

That is not long enough to foster a 'father-son' relationship AT ALL!

i have been married for 20 years and my husband is the father of my teenage sons. if he screamed in either of their faces like that, there would be hell to pay!

TwattyCatty · 24/10/2017 10:39

A rude (and thoroughly pandered-to and spoilt -sounding) 16 year old is rude to his mother

What is wrong with you? This is a child of an abusive set up who has have a hard time, and also had to deal with a new stepfather and TWO new babies. Pandered to and spoiled? I despair.

inniu · 24/10/2017 10:39

Seems complicated.

If your partner was a stay at home parent was he the main caregiver for the younger children. Is he likely to look for them to come and live with him full time or 50:50?

scottishdiem · 24/10/2017 10:40

Was thinking about this again as I took the dog for a walk. There has to be some additional information to give this more context. It cant be normal to prioritise one child over the other two. It cant be normal to prioritise the child that is almost an adult over the two who are very young. It cant be normal to force a parent to leave their children when there is one instance of shouting.

This had to be the last straw of something that had been ongoing for a while surely?

ShoesHaveSouls · 24/10/2017 10:40

Flowerpot, the OP's own words:

My son can be lazy at times. He isn't perfect, but he can also be very helpful. He is very rarely disrespectful to me.

This child - he is a child - has come from an abusive background, with an abusive father. He is far from pampered and spoiled.

Now, the stepfather has just abused him. This will affect him. It never should have happened. It's a massive red flag to have a step parent behaving like this to a stepson. No way should he just be allowed to move back in.