Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

You overreacted.Sure you could tell your partner he went too far but throwing him out.He was trying to make your obviously spoilt son show some respect for his mother.

@Miserylovescompany2

How do YOU know? You were the one blathering on about his disgraceful move a distance away.

your son needs to come first - what about the two little ones who have just lost their dad? Her 16-year old is not her only child, don’t they count at all?

your obviously spoilt son where are people getting their info that this kid is so spoilt?

well he has shown that he is aggressive and can't control himself 'when the red mist comes down'

would you want someone like that round your babies?

Splendid
What a nasty post.

My son has lityle self esterm or confidence despite 15 years of suppory and encouragement . Irs just him. Its nobody's fault.

How dare you blame op for that.

She left an abusive relationship that takes guts to vo ofg pn yiur own wirh a child. Its not her fault her ex is a useless father.

Only on mn could a man scream at, swear at and threaten a teenager and its all the mothers fault!

The OP doesn't say he's abusing her son, she states he lost his rag and went too far. We've all done that surely?

I can safely say I have never screamed and threatened someone and got right in their face to do it. Telling off is fine but this crossed the line into abuse

@splendidisolation step away from the glue - it's obviously tainted your ability to think or see clearly.

I see it also made you stick your caps lock on...

what about the two little ones who have just lost their dad?
You think its ok for the kids to live with a guy who screams in their brothers face, threatens him and gets "red mist" over a bit of teenage teenagerness? What about when one of the kids get older and cheeky?

What does the son do if he isn't working or studying?

make sure you don't let the OP's posts get in the way, splendid

this one was on p. 2:

"My son now has a job and was only out of work/education for a few days before this happened."

I am sure being out of work for a few days is a sign of the complete uselessness of the younger generation.

How many women get told on here by other women on here that at the first signs of control (never mind in your face rage/threats and never mind actual violence) that that's the point at which you get out.

Because the first time is never the last time.

And now PPs on here are saying that she should give her OH another chance - even when it's obvious that doing so would negatively impact her son, even if the OH never did or said anything again.

Honestly, talk about arse about face.

Do you wish her to go down the road of an experiment with her own son - wait and see if he does it again and then you act? How is that ever the right way to go about it? Who gives a shit if it's out of character, it was totally unacceptable and made her son feel like shit! What more else is there to say?

Protect the child first. Always. End of. And even if the son had got up in the OHs face would have been irrelevant - if he can snap like that once he can snap like that - or worse - again.

You are doing right OP.

Willow you showed no confidence in what you posted. The amount of mistakes. Charity starts at home not on mn.

I don't think anyone has suggested this but OP did you get support from Womens Aid when leaving your last abusiverelationship? Would you consider ringing them now?

It sounds like your DP has been a great partner and father and this has come totally out of the blue. However, abusive men turning their focus on their sons/stepsons as they approach adulthood and are seen as a 'threat' is a thing that happens in abusive relationships, as is early and repeated pregnancy, as m, for that matter, is women leaving abusive relationships and ending up in relationships with men who are also controlling and abusive but in a more subtle way.

I'm 100% not saying your DP is abusive, but it must be very hard to unpick all this, and I think WA would have the background and experience to understand your concerns, and the additional support your DS needs given his background. And if there are other patterns of behaviour you haven't noticed, they might help you identify them.

I agree with others that putting your son first is the best you can do, and I think you have been incredibly strong.

Wow - willow made some typos, so what? WTF is this charity starts at home shite?

what about the two little ones who have just lost their dad?

Sometimes relationships don't work out. Sometimes kids don't get to live with both parents. Sometimes it's not safe for kids to live with their dad.
The op here chose to have 2 kids in 3 years with a new partner which means she never got the chance to get to know him without the distraction of parenting and focusing on pregnancy and childbirth. It takes a strong person to acknowledge that they made a mistake in choosing a partner especially when they have children but verbally abusing and threatening a child is never acceptable.
I'd make a partner leave if he shouted at me like that - why would I let it slide if it was my child?

Sounds like counselling is in order - if your partner can come back and stay near home you can go as a family. You and your son might also need it, either individually or as a pair.

Your partner made a huge mistake but if it's a one-off, I wouldn't permanently end a relationship with the father of my two small children over it. But I would insist on counselling as a condition of getting back together.

You also need to consider the bigger picture which is that you have brought two younger siblings and a new partner into your older son's home in a very short period of time. There may be issues here that you haven't addressed. I noticed you mention the abusive ex but you don't seem to focus on how disruptive all of this change may have been for your son.

@Miserylovescompany2

Using caps to emphasise a word is an issue for you, but typos aren't? A little consistency, misery.

I am on the fence as to what should happen next; given the presence of the younger children it's not 100% clear.

What should have happened of course should have been the stepfather showing remorse straightaway and trying to mend fences with his stepson. That would hopefully have led to a proper family council with new resolutions all round.

But he didn't, did he? When pressed he responded with a shrug- which seems exactly like the kind of behaviour that has made so many posters deduce that the son has been hopelessly spoilt by his mum.

According to these same posters, this is the kind of behaviour that is so infuriating that it justifies screaming in your face and threatening that you won't know what's hit you.

But instead of the ds screaming in his face, what then happened, according to the OPs account, is that the man then shouted at the OP.

He only showed any sign of actually regretting his behaviour when it became clear it was going to have consequences.

Now as I said, I am on the fence regarding what those consequences should be. There are the younger children to consider.

But if anyone has been disrespectful towards the OP, it doesn't sound like it's the son. Except in the alternative universe of "children and women are always to blame".

This is much more than just a case of the boyfriend raising his voice or giving the son a telling off. He completely lost his temper, to the point of rage, and indulged in threatening and bullying the son who is, to all intents and purposes, still a child.

If he can do that once he can do it again. If he does it again just how far can his rage take him? Saying sorry and claiming regret doesn't mean he can suddenly control his temper.

The first duty of a parent is to provide a safe and secure home environment for their children. A home cannot be considered safe and secure if it is shared with someone capable of flying into an uncontrolled rage, especially over a trivial matter.

Hard as it may be to end a relationship, I don't think doing so in this case is overreacting.

I have lost my temper with my teenagers, but I have never screamed in their faces and threatened them with violence.

You should stand by you child, you are all he's got.

One persons raising a voice to make a point is often another's shouting and screaming in their face.
Just as one person sees a disrespectful young man who needs to do better (no, mine don't get away with speaking to me like that) another will see a young child who has no consequences for his actions.

My point is it matters what the intention was. To help? I doubt he is perfect but few of us are. It's amazing how you can make allowances for a less than perfect teenager, (working person) but not another human being.

One persons raising a voice to make a point is often another's shouting and screaming in their face
It really isn't. How can you not tell the difference between yelling at a kid and getting in their face, screaming and threatening them?

I'm just saying that if you've been in an abusive relationship that leaves psychological scars on your 14 year old son, which is what the OP says happened, maybe its not a great idea to move a new man in and have two kids with him within the space of two years.

Maybe you should have focussed on nurturing your son and putting him first, since that's how you say you feel. You say you feel very strongly about how much support and tenderness and care your son needs. Maybe you should have put a romantic relationship on the back burner, or maybe you should have dated your partner not moved him in, or maybe moved him in but not then had a child, or had one child not two. You say your son is so fragile and a little damaged, I believe you. But why then move so irrationally quickly with a new man after your first abusive relationship?

I'm saying I think you have huge amounts of guilt surrounding poor decisions you took that were not to your son's advantage. You've tried to soothe that guilt by taking action against your partner, rightly or wrongly, but in fact the right thing to do by your son would have been different decisions made earlier.

I think you should take decisions much more carefully in the future, and take responsibility for those decisions without diversion.

Realise that your son's issues arent created by your partner having a one off outburst, although obviously that doesnt help. They are created by all the life experiences that have come before, and that were largely forged in part by your own hand.

You've got another decision to make now. Take it wisely. I'm out, good luck to you and your son.

Oh and I'm going to come down hard on you is usually shouted by senior management team at the class /year group / house...

Oh and I'm going to come down hard on you is usually shouted by senior management team at the class /year group / house...
But not so much im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you whilst screaming in their faces