Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

Isn't amazing how no one on MN loses their temper?

I'll probably get flamed here but...

I think the OP is minimising. He's 16, he probably gives her cheek every day, that's what teenagers do - that's what I did. The DP has probably listened to this and one day he's had enough. It happened to me from both my mum's partners after my parents' divorce and my dad's female partners, and you know what? Next time I thought twice. I learned my lesson. Better that this lesson is learnt in the home than cheeking someone out on the street and getting a good kicking! The DP didn't hit him, he lost his rag, we've all done it.

That being said, your DP was wrong to go so far and kicking him out for a couple of days was understandable. However, kicking him out forever is wrong IMO when he was defending you at the end of the day, albeit in a bay way.

I do think the OP is hyper-protective of her oldest DS because of his past experience with his father, that's understandable, she was protecting your son. The problem is that in this case putting him first puts the other kids second.

I also think its a terrible lesson to teach your son. Saying it can never be worked out because your 16 year old boy is butt hurt is completely OTT. Teach your son that forgiveness is important, not that if his ego gets bruised he gets to dictate to everyone.

Go somewhere neutral for lunch with your son and partner so you can mediate and let them talk it out. Distance and texting won't sort anything. I bet you'll find your son's feelings will heal quickly that way and by the end everything will be fine.

I'm not sure why people keep insisting that her BF should be praised for 'defending' her. Defending her from what, her son being arsey? She was dealing with it - she didn't need help of any description, let alone over-the-top behaviour like he demonstrated which only made this worse not better. It's interfering and undermining and implies that the OP can't cope with dealing with her DS's behaviour.

OP - I hope you resolve this in a way that works for you. I think your BF was out of order, and I would be livid if DH ever behaved like that. I think a bit of space is probably the best for now. If it's only happened recently then maybe give it a bit longer before making any decisions. I would have probably done the same as you tbh, my bio Dad was loud and short tempered and abusive and I can't imagine putting my DC in any situation even vaguely like the one I grew up in.

"So you think the OP's partner, for no reason whatsoever, suddenly started shouting at the 16 year old to appear big? You don't see any link at all between the boy disrespecting his mother, and the partner telling him off for disrespecting his mother"

The partner did not simply tell him off for disrespecting his mother, his actions were about him and he alone. As I have read it the OP regarded her son's behaviour as usual teen type stuff. She told him off herself and regarded this from her son as certainly nothing to get really het up about. Also OP now states that her son has a job.

I think if anyone has done any disrespecting here it is the adult male who in turn has now gone back to his own family who live miles away.

I think the OP is minimising. He's 16, he probably gives her cheek every day, that's what teenagers do - that's what I did. The DP has probably listened to this and one day he's had enough

This is a 16 year old child from a messed up, abusive background, with no family support, whose mother got a new guy and instantly started a new family and had 2 kids in three years.
If he's a bit cheeky now and again he's a remarkably well adjusted young man for that to be all.

AttilaTheMeerkat
his actions were about him and he alone.

So, why precisely do you think the OP's partner suddenly, for reasons only about him and he alone, started shouting at the son for disrespecting his mother after the son had disrespected his mother, if - as you say - it had nothing to do with the son disrespecting his mother?

Out of the blue,for no reason at all, what are these reasons you know of which are about him and he alone??

The one thing that winds me up about my amazing SD's in when they treat their mum badly (very rarely happens!) - that gets me angry. I keep control though.

If I ever shouted at them in that way, to the extent that they felt genuinely intimidated, I'd be out, no matter how much it was 'backing up' my girlfriend. And I would agree that it was correct - if I lost control like that it's not ok, and as a stepfather it's even less ok!

However, if he's proved a decent man so far, is it possible that with family therapy AND anger management therapy for him individually, there could be a way through whilst also showing your son that your partner was the guilty party and is taking steps to ensure it doesn't happen again?

He wanted to assert his own authority here as the Big Man of the Household, that is why he acted he did because he also thought he was being disrespected.

No-one else but he is responsible for his actions here. He could have also chosen to walk away but he did not.

Flowerpot, nothing the op's son did should have caused that reaction from him - that's the point. There's losing your temper - we've all done that - but screaming in someone's face? Threats? That is an unacceptable loss of control.

Hi, OP
I have been in a similar situation ,my older son is 16 and been going through GCSEs and other things stress but my bf created similar situation ,swearing andshouting abusie.I kicked bf out,and nearly in an instance lost feelings I had for him. I do not regret it at all,my relationship with the son improved so much now,I know I definitely did the right thing.

"I think if anyone has done any disrespecting here it is the adult male who in turn has now gone back to his own family who live miles away."

Well when the mother of your children tells you to leave the house, your options for both living space and emotional support are limited. Also, OP is creating a hierarchy of importance when it comes to the children. Her son is more important than his children with her. Any normal person needs to go to where they are loved and supported in that circumstance.

Your ds needs counselling. His self esteem is in shatters (see him saying that your do should say because he was the only one affected by the incident).

Your dp should move back closer to you, at the very least so that he can still see HIS dcs in a regular basis.
He should also be looking for a job and give you some maintenance for HIS two dcs.
As far as I am concerned, him moving away that far and seemignly having no second thought for his dcs, dcs he was looking after all day as a SAHP, makes me very uncomfortable. I would have expected him to find a way to stay close and still be heavily involved in their lives TBH.

And then, only then, can you start thinking about the future. Counselling could be a good idea, I agree with him on that.
Plenty of other ways to look at the future, it's not just either carrying on living together as if nothing had happened or finishing the relationhsip altogether. And yes couple/family counselling could help you get an idea if thisnis feasible or not.

AttilaTheMeerkat
He wanted to assert his own authority here as the Big Man of the Household...because he also thought he was being disrespected.

So he also felt he was being disrespected. Yet you wrote earlier that this had nothing to do with the son's actions and disrespect to his mother. Now you say the partner did recognise the disrespect, and also felt disrespected.

So, now you see the direct link between the son's poor behaviour and the punishment given by the partner. All caused by the son's actions. The son who has received no punishment whatsoever and seems to be wrapped in bubble wrap. Whilst the man who defended the OP as she was being disrespected has been kicked out. The 16 year old must be laughing his disrespectful head off.

Resentment is the precursor to most angry and abusive behavior. Resentment is not simply a reflexive response to a specific thing you say or do; it works like a defensive system in itself. That's why you don't resent just one or two or two hundred things. When you're resentful, you are constantly scanning the environment for any possible bad news.

On a much wider level I would like to know what he is like with other people, particularly family and friends. If he can control himself with them and otherwise behaves then he may not have any sort of anger management problem.

scottish as a SAHP, you don't expect him to put his dcs first and to ensure than he can still have very regular contact?
Looking for his own emotional support should come first and foremost, not his own dcs??

That would never be accepted of this was the other way around and we were talking about a SAHM leaving miles away, leaving her dcs with the dad.
I would have thought that HE should have thought about the ffect his move miles away would have on his dcs and taken the decision to stay close by.

It's amazing how some posters are having a go at the OP saying she never thought about her dcs with him.
But no one is raising the issue that the father decided to bugger off miles away and stop seeing his dcs and that seems to be ok....

I have to say, I can't see a major issue with the son behaviour.
When one of my teens reacts like this, they are told to come back, and not be rude. I don't think there is any need for 'punishment'. And certainly not a case for building ressentiment and feeling disrespected by the DP.
And even if that was the case, surely, in a normal relationhsip, he should have raised the issue with the OP and had a chat about it? In a calm and constructive way?

His own resentment, a perception of being disrespected and feelings of entitlement created the situation in the first place. OP had this under control and she knows her son better than anyone else does, including this man. The initial argument between OP and her son was nothing to do with him and OP felt it was under control, her partner was not involved in any way. He chose to become involved and stamp his own authority simply because he thought he was being disrespected.

If you get kicked out you often have no choice but to move in with family albeit temporarily. If they live far away, then there's nothing you can do about it you still have no choice. The OP said this had happened very recently.

The whole situation sounds messed up to me. I agree that the partner overreacted and his behaviour was unacceptable, but I also agree with previous posters that there is more to this. The op says that her previous relationship was abusive and that her 16 year old father is a rubbish dad. She also says her family are crap. I think that maybe she is feeling guilty about previous decisions she has made and is overcompensating. I get the impression that this wasn't a one off situation with your sons behaviour and that you do indeed gloss over it.

Attila - show me the evidence for all this resentment you keep mentioning? here does the OP say her DP is full of resentment at the world?

Where*

Oh AttilaTheMeerkat, you are making me laugh.

His own resentment, a perception of being disrespected and feelings of entitlement created the situation in the first place.

So he woke up one morning full of resentment, and he shouted at a 16 year old disrespecting his mother for disrespecting his mother and you still claim it was monumental coincidence, some random act of amazing timing, that his outburst about the son's disrespecting behaviour happened by some miracle of nature just after the son was disrespecting his mother?

Why don't you want to accept that the son caused this, the son disrespected his mother?

he should have raised the issue with the OP and had a chat about it? In a calm and constructive way?
Yes ,but he went on offensive,lost his temper. I'm sure going forward there would be a doublestandart of how he treated his own children and his partner' child from previous relationship. The worst situation for the older child, the damage that could have been caused would stay with the child for the rest of his life.

Well done. You can rest at night knowing your son knows you stand by him. You boyfriend wasnt going to realise his mistake unless you made him apologise, and you need him to be more proactive than that

What would you have done if he was his biological father and had shouted at your son to back you up? Yes I think it sounds like he went a bit far, but if he lives with you and accepts your older children as part of his family, it stands to reason he should have some rights to install discipline.
16 is a difficult age, no longer a child but not yet an adult, boundary’s are there to be pushed and by giving him a wake up call he may just have been a bit more considerate to your expectations for him.
Now your family has been ripped apart, your son can be as disrespectful as he likes, your younger kids have lost there father in their everyday life, you’re miserable, and your partner has lost his home, kids and partner all because he raised his voice? I get the feeling there is more to this story.... perhaps it had been building for a while and your partner felt he needed to step in?

He went to live with family, although there were options for him to stay near our dc he felt he needed their support.

That tells me her DP CHOOSE To go and live miles away even though he could have stayed close by.
He choose to put himself first and HIS dcs second. It wasn't a cas of 'I'm kicked out and have nowhere to live. I have no other choice than go to xxx'.

He also has been proposing to move back to the family house, not to move closer so he could be involved with the dcs and work together to sort something out.

They are not the actions of a nice, involved father.