Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

I think you over reacted. Your son pushed his buttons and he flipped. Shouting and swearing is not nice but it’s something to learn from and get over.

inthenameotheweeman

Okay, June did use the word “fine”, but I think the point of her post was clear enough. It could be inferred from some posts here that some actually DO thinks it’s fine.

Right, so nobody has claimed it is fine... so like I asked originally... why lie? And no, nobody with any sense would infer from any posts here that they meant "it's fine".

What they meant is that it's not fine, but it's not something to kick your partner out of the home for away from his two children, and side with the rude son whose actions started this in the first place.

Wow. Some of the replies on here are just . I totally get that some households are more shouty than others, but it seems as if some people are selectively reading, rather than reading all the words OP has actually written. OP didn’t need back up at this point. This wasn’t just shouty, it was full hairdryer, and totally uncalled for in the circs. Especially given DS’s anxieties stemming from previous experiences, of which DP was aware.

DP’s subsequent behaviour makes me wonder if he wasn’t finding the whole situation too much anyway, and wanted an out. If it hadn’t been this, perhaps it would have been something else.

And did it really come out of the blue? OP paints a rosy picture of before the in-his-face shouting, but in hindsight perhaps there were already signals?

Great post, Italiangreyhound.

You made the right, difficult decision, Anon. Although you are holding the door open to reconciliation I don't see how DP can magic himself into a calmer, trustworthy person, whatever the counselling and therapy. And people who are querying your decision to have children with DP can GTF. He could lose his temper with them, too.

I don't think there us anything wrong with getting in their face.
It's no good asking a child from six metres away -you need to crouch down and face them. Super nanny I think said it.

Perhaps some of us have teens without attitude like this is because we have sorted it out when younger. He really is too old to be giving it attitude. Imagine doing that at work. It won't paint him in the best light and is not good for him.

Is there a back story here? Has your partner previously behaved like this?
Surely the usual response would have been to tell him never to speak to your son like that again, then a conversation once the initial shock had worn off to explain he’s massively over stepped the mark, swearing and shouting is not acceptable to you and it must never happen again, and then for him to say sorry to your son and to try and make it up to him?

For an out of the blue one off thing like this I feel it’s a massive overreaction to split your family up unless there is a lot more to it we’ve not been told?

I think it does show why you should never get involved with a woman who already has children.

Tempted to say a woman should never get involved with a man if she already has children! Clearly he expects to be an ass to them and get away with it!

That's in response to headofthehive by the way.

There is such a huge issue between being a shouty mum and swearing and screaming in a child's face with threats of 'or you'll see what hits you!'.

I would never expose myself or my children to a repeat performance of that- from a teacher, parent, relative or anyone else.

I’m gobsmacked people think it’s recoverable, especially as DP has run away.

This is just so far from being a big deal,Headofthehive55, that's the thing.
I'm imagining "omg,what do I do,my sixteen year old is so rude,he is out of control,how will he manage at work..."
Everyone: "what did he do??"
OP:He walked off when I was talking to him then I called him back and he said 'alright' in a sarcastic tone.
Everyone: okaaay....

Yes I agree a woman takes a great risk in getting involved with a man when she already has children. It causes no end of problems.

You did the right thing. No one should speak to your son like that. It was abusive and threatening.

‘Or you’ll see what hits you’ is a phrase regularly rolled out by the older generation, it doesn’t usually mean the threat of physical violence it means things are going to really change, it means things are going to get tough and there will be consequences to further actions.
I don’t take it as a threat of violence?
Yes if my partner regularly shouted at my kids especially with swearing he would need to ship up or ship out, but this appears to be a one off reaction to which I assume is not a one off thing, it must have been brewing for a while to react that severely? It must never happen again, but surely making it clear it’s not acceptable, and working to repair the relationship between child and step parent would have been preferable in this instance?

Luckyduvet it’s not the shouting that’s the issue but the words used and threats made. My oh wouldn’t dream of speaking to me or our son in that manner.

But in our house it would be a big deal.
And I'm afraid to say at work it's a big deal too. The fact that people don't recognise it is a shame. I would certainly not want a worker back if they did that.

dadshere are you for real? How worrying that you condone such violent behaviour!

mutt
I agree it's an oft used phrase. And not literal.

I agree with the PP that 'You won't know what's hit you' is said often by adults of a certain generation, it doesn't mean they're going to beat anyone up, it means they will be even harder on that person if they don't buck their ideas up. Mostly its an empty threat designed for shock and awe.

Also, I think its necessary to get in a teenagers' face sometimes because they're pushing boundaries at that age and the old way of disciplining them when they were younger no longer works. I needed people in my face and although I was stroppy about it at the time, I realise now it made me listen and understand what was acceptable in certain settings. Talking to me calmly wouldn't have made any difference I'm afraid.

I agree with the poster who said unless this had happened before, then surely all the OP needed to do was give the DP a telling off along the lines of 'don't you ever speak to my son like that again' and move on. Kicking him out was a massive overreaction with devastating consequences for her other DC who it seems she didn't consider at all due to the previous issues with her older son. She's taken away their SAHD, primary carer, with barely a thought for how it will affect them.

Sorry, although he lost it and went a bit too far, when you consider the big picture its a massive overreaction to kick him out.

mrspatel77
dadshere are you for real? How worrying that you condone such violent behaviour!

Eh? Where was there violent behaviour?

Agree with flowerpot, where was the violence here?

The minimizing and excusing going on is ridiculous, comparing it to getting down to talk face to face with a toddler ffs. If a poster came on and said their dp had screamed and sworn at them in a threatening manner an inch from their face it would be unanimous ltb, no-one would suggest she deserved it no matter what she had done so why should a child have to accept it.

Some of the posters on this thread are just horrendous people... horrendous people saying some really horrible things...

Offred - Just because you don't agree doesn't make people horrendous. Everyone is entitled to an opinion.

I agree with Offred - some of the posts on her are just totally lacking in empathy and basic kindness.