Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

Wow this is a difficult one. The in your face and threat made this much more intimidating and should be taken seriously.

But what is the context? Has your DP been calm and respectful all other times? Has he ever shouted before?

Even if, as may be the case, it’s the right decision to break up. It’s worth exploring as you want to be super clear about what message you are giving your teenage son. He might hide it but feel the burden of the break up. Encourage openness, get your son to talk to others, talk to others yourself who know your family. Be fair, even.

your hubby done this for you
Yeah OP, DP verbally abused your son FOR you so you should have backed him up. As long as he's abusing him in your honour its ok!! Ffs some people scare me!

I'm afraid I don't read "you won't know what's hit you " as meaning physically hit. To me, it would mean a more harsh punishment. To me it's a turn of phrase. Like raining cats and dogs. You don't expect cats and dogs to fall out if the sky! Its a turn of phrase in common use round here. To be hit with bad news, or the kids won't know what's hit them when we go to X or whatever.

nana
The fact that ops son was actually doing what she told him is irrelevant then?
You stand in front of your kids and scream in thier face and swear and threaten them if they take a few moments too long to do something for you?

I cannot believe all those teens who have never once said "ok i am doing it" or "alright" when told to do something they didnt want to do because they were engrossed in something else. Seems on mn there are two types of kids in the world.
'Perfect, 100%helpfull, never complain, never put a foot wrong' and
'entitled, spoiled snowflakes who deserve a good screaming at to knock some sense and obedience into them' .

Nothing inbetween.
I must be living in the wrong place never come across either type.

Nannasoup, any self respecting mother would not want her child screamed at 'for her'.
A 'united front' to scare a teenage boy for a bit of cheek.
Disgraceful attitude.
No wonder children are abused up and down the country with views like this.

Can all the posters supporting this man explain why it's fine to do it to a 16yr old boy but not to another adult??

Anonaninanan this is such a mess. I am so sorry.

Was your dp right to shout, scream etc, in your son's face? Definitely not, we are, I think, all agreed on that one.

Were you right to make your dp to leave? I don't know.

Was he right to move far away? Definitely not.

I shout at my kids quite a lot (I'm not proud of it, but if I am honest, I admit I do it). I am trying hard not to. If my husband threw me out for shouting at our kids I would be devastated.

"I can't let him move in until such a time my son is happy with it, I don't think he ever will be though. If I take my bf back then I lose my son or my son doesn't feel important and that's not an option for me."

As a mum to a pre-teen (who acts like a teen) I know just how protective we can feel towards our older children, it is an incredibly close bond and I think your dp massively overstepped the mark and misread the situation. His behaviour would worry me greatly so I do understand why you did what you did.

Re "I can't see us finding a way through. I'm just struggling with it all." I think you may still be affected by your first husband's behaviour towards you. That is why this incident has escalated so much, it is not at all your fault but I think this is what may be clouding your view (to use your own words). However, your dp knowing your and your children's history made a massive cock up when he shouted in this way.

"He was a stay at home dad while I worked so no job. He went to live with family, although there were options for him to stay near our dc he felt he needed their support.

Due to the distance any help will be almost impossible sadly."

So he has kind of lost his job because of this. The way you say it he is not bothered about your son, but maybe never was. His need of 'support' makes me feel he is actually quite a weak man, he is not willing to stay close by, get a job, work and support himself and work on these relationships.

I think the ball is in your dp's court. He needs to move closer and he needs to get a job. He needs contact with his children and to give you and your son the chance to re-build a connection with him.

Anonaninanan you said "I've been the only one there for ds. Everyone in his life has treated him as second best. That's why I feel so strongly that I have to defend him and put him first."

If it were not for your DP's weird reaction to all this I might have thought you might have blown this out of proportion, IMHO, because you feel guilty that others in your son's life have let him down. However, the way your dp has acted since the incident makes me think there is something deeper going on here. Your dp's need for support from family makes him sound (emotionally) very young.

If me and dh split up there is really no family for me to go to, I would need to support myself and I feel your dp distancing himself from you and his children is a very worrying part of all of this.

Sorry this is so long, to me this is not exactly who is right/who is wrong but what is going to happen next! What is his next move going to be. I feel it is for him to fix this, if it is fixable. (I've kind of changed my mind while reading this and now feel maybe you are acting on some kind of gut instinct which does not easily translate into words here! If that makes sense.)

Good luck. Keep strong.

He only offered to apologise properly after he yelled at op and was told to go. He shrugged it off as nothing before that.

June i have queried that several times but No one seems able to answer it.
You wouldnt take it from another adult but seems it's ok to do it to a child as its 'disciplining them'.

Blimey, sorry that is long, OP I just want to say stay strong and all the best if you can't be bothered to read that massive book I just wrote!

All these people saying 'well the teenager was rude' oh ok then he should be screamed at an inch from his face, totally fair enough. I mean what other possible reaction is there?

He got angry and didn't control himself. He is the adult, the son is the child. 16 is still a child. When do you people draw the line? If a 10 year old was rude would it still be ok? What about a 5 year old? At what age does it magically become not that bad to get in someone's face and scream at them (with threats)? At what age does it become not fucking terrifying to have someone bigger than you do that? And at what age does it become not ok again as it's two adults?

Or is it always ok? Presumably if you were sarcastic one day you'd be fine with your partner responding that way to you? After all, they shouldn't have to put up with rudeness of any sort, ever, and if they experience it they can't be expected to regulate that angry emotion and respond like an adult, can they? Or is there a set number of sarcastic occasions and once that limit is reached, it's then ok to react that way?

I'm genuinely interested to know these things.

PS I don't think your view is clouded, but I think maybe your experiences with abuse in your past have made it very hard for you what is right and what is normal. And none of us saw/experienced what you actually happened.

Willow2017

June i have queried that several times but No one seems able to answer it.

That's because if you ask questions based on something that isn't true, or didn't happen, or opinions which are not held, you're not going to get any replies, are you?

Nobody said "it's fine", did they? Why lie?

*Flower
*
People are telling the OP that she has massively overreacted. Yet, if her DP screamed and swore in HER face, she would would face near unanimous cries of LTB.

Why is not the same for him treating any family member like that?

inthenameotheweeman what's that got to do with my post? Again I ask, when did anybody say or infer "it's fine"?

your hubby done this for you

No, he didn't. The OP was dealing with it. There is nothing in her description of the incident to remotely suggest she needed DP to jntervene, she did not ask him to intervene. IMO, he did it to assert his authority over the younger male who's coming of age, like a silverback gorilla does to maintain his position in the troop. It is not uncommon behaviour, especially in step-relationships and it generally gets worse as the younger male gets older.

Good post, Italiangreyhound. Completely agree with you.

Thank you Cambionome I am sorry it is so long but I kind of changed position as I read more and realized this is actually more complex. If he had shouted/screamed and then been filled with remorse it might be different.

Plus some families do shout more than others. I come from a more 'shouty' family, dh doesn't. But this level of verbal abuse is not just shouting!

HerOtherHalf

IMO, he did it to assert his authority over the younger male who's coming of age, like a silverback gorilla does to maintain his position in the troop

How peculiar. Rather than see it like some Life on Earth episode, I just saw the partner of the OP becoming sick to the back teeth of the behaviour of this 16 year old who is yet again (hence the "if you don't start to change your attitude" comment) being rude and disrespectful to his mother, shouted face to face at him. Son is rewarded for his rudeness, partner is kicked out for his.

Flower where did I say that anyone inferred it was fine? I asked why people see one scenario as a massive over reaction, some even thinking he was doing the OP some sort of favour, yet would see the other as “red flags, LTB” territory. I think it’s perfectly appropriate to compare the two situations, even if one is hypothetical. Why would it not be? Because one is a child? I genuinely can’t see any other reason why not.

So people can make a decision on something that did happen but they are incapable of deciding if that scenario was between 2 other people whether it would still be ok?

There's me thinking that was an easy thing for adults to do. Most adults can imagine different settings for an incident. It happens on a regular basis on here when people dont bother to rtft.

inthenameotheweeman
Flower where did I say that anyone inferred it was fine?

I had pointed out to posters who keep on falsely claiming other posters have said what the OH did "is fine", and you replied to me, by name, about something which didn't have anything to do with my question. So we're here...

After reading all your posts op, i think youve done the right thing. Moving a significant distance away, not taking the babies when he is main carer, not seeing the babies due to the distance he created, also suggest there were other issues.

People should also consider that while you have only spoken about this oncident, there have probably been niggles that you may have even only subconsciously thought about.

Will he get a job now he isnt a sahp i wonder.

I was referring to the fact that you replied to Willow, saying no one would answer June as her question was based on a scenario which hadn’t happened. Okay, June did use the word “fine”, but I think the point of her post was clear enough. It could be inferred from some posts here that some actually DO thinks it’s fine.