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Original poster

Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

594 replies

Anonaninanan · 23/10/2017 22:31

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonaninanan · 24/10/2017 17:18

It wasn't their brother in the wrong here.

OP posts:
MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 24/10/2017 17:25

So OTOp's child should be scared of his step dad and live with him for the sake of the siblings? What kg he verbally abused one of his own kids? Should they also suck it up for the sake of him being around for the other one? Basically we should never act over abuse because someone else might be affected?

pullingmyhairout1 · 24/10/2017 17:45

OP with hindsight I would do exactly as you have. My ex husband did this, and then a couple of years down the line he punched him square on in the chest. That clarified everything.

LewisThere · 24/10/2017 17:51

I suppose I'll have to face a future of him seeing the kids a few times a year while we get on with our lives apart.

Well sorry but if his reaction to splitting up is to move away and not do any effort to be close to his own dcs, esp when he was a sahp, then he is clearly a rubbish father.
Saying that you can't atm but will do your best to find a job near by, see the dcs as often is one thing.
Just staying away is another.
That also means his reasons to be so far away are more than just about finding emotional support

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2017 18:01

Most people though do talk about things and look for resolution. Most couples will disagree from time to time about discipline, the secret I think it to talk. I don't think what he said was particularly physically threatening, I'm coming down hard on you to us would mean turning the Internet off..

ShoesHaveSouls · 24/10/2017 18:09

OP, and her ds clearly do think it crossed a boundary, though, Head. It was threatening, and lots of people are referring to it as 'one-off' - with absolutely no knowledge that this is the case. It could just be the start of it.

You don't scream in people's faces - you just don't. Anyone who thinks that's all right needs to examine their own boundaries.

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 24/10/2017 18:09

I'm coming down hard on you to us would mean turning the Internet off as opposed to what actually was said, sorry screamed, into his face

ladyballs · 24/10/2017 18:27

Well done OP. Flowers

BaronessEllaSaturday · 24/10/2017 18:28

I don't think what he said was particularly physically threatening, I'm coming down hard on you to us would mean turning the Internet off

Would you scream it into someone's face though? It's not just the wording but the way it was done plus the lack of remorse .

Stillpissingdown · 24/10/2017 18:37

I suppose I'll have to face a future of him seeing the kids a few times a year while we get on with our lives apart

Or you could just try family councilling like it's been repeated through out this thread and try and sort your family out.

Why are you refusing to acknowledge that it is an option op?? It's strange....

ShoesHaveSouls · 24/10/2017 18:43

She can't stillpissingdown - the bf has said he'll only do counselling if he can move back in - and the OP is (rightly) not going to let him just move back in.

Original poster
Anonaninanan · 24/10/2017 18:59

Why are you refusing to acknowledge that it is an optionop?? It's strange....

I have said a couple of times I would go to counselling but can't due to distance.

It would be an option if he was close by, but he isn't.

OP posts:
Oddmanout · 24/10/2017 19:13

Sounds to me like you don't really want him back TBH OP

Original poster
Anonaninanan · 24/10/2017 19:19

I just don't think it can happen.

Things were fine before this. More than fine.

If I could go back to before this happened I absolutely would.

Now that it has things have had to change.

I still love him.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 24/10/2017 19:22

I'm coming down hard on you to us would mean turning the Internet off

But that wasn't actually what the OPs dp said. He said im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you

Some people are good at selective reading.

FlowerPot1234 · 24/10/2017 19:33

FlowerPot1234 I didn't allow my son to be rude. He gave a bit of teenage attitude and I pulled him up on it.

Yes you did. He was rude to you. I bet it wasn't the first time - as evidenced by your partner's "if you don't start to change your attitude" comment. People don't say that if an incident of rudeness and disrespect is a one-off.

As for the "he gave a bit of teenage attitude" remark, that's appalling. There is no such thing, there is just excuse after excuse for rudeness from children towards adults.

You are strangely minimising your son's rudeness towards you, and maximising your partner's angry defence of you.

WhiteCat1704 · 24/10/2017 19:45

In my opinion you are hugely over reacting and overcompensating on behalf of your son. Somebody suggested already that if you were truly putting your DS first you would have never had 2 DC and a relationship to begin with. I also agree that you are blaming your partner for your DS issues and you suffer guilt on behalf of DS and this action of kicking partner out and making it so final is to make YOU feel less guilty.

I recommend therapy. If you can't go with your (ex)partner go on your own OR with DS and talk through what happened with an experianced psychoanalyst in between.

Your DS is almost an adult. He will leave home soon will have a girlfriend or a wife, he will have his own life where you should not be his priority. He is already taking on duties of a partner - suddenly helpful around the house, probably with siblings..If you let this happen you might make him feel as if he has to take care of you as it's because of him you are on your own..It's not a good dynamic.

Alternatively he just gets on with his life and in a couple of years you are on your own with children and grow resentful..and so do they...

I think this is fixable. Your partner has apologized and you are ignoring it.
In a healthy family with three children note one of them should be above others..and a 16 year old is arguably not a child.
Your and your partners needs matter too!

People can make mistakes..men make mistakes..At the end of the day he lost his temper but didn't hit him just shouted..it happens..maybe he is exhausted due to caring for two small children. I know I have been on edge and saying things I have regretted massively to my DH - even shouting - and I only have one small DC!

InfiniteCurve · 24/10/2017 20:16

As for the "he gave a bit of teenage attitude" remark, that's appalling. There is no such thing, there is just excuse after excuse for rudeness from children towards adults.
In our house we don't tolerate rudeness,but a sarky "alright" would be dealt with by a comment of "attitude!" or a request to try again in a decent tone of voice.I've never felt the need to get into my son's face and swear at him.
"Alright" in sarky voice is typical teenage attitude. Effing and blinding and getting in someone's face is a totally disproportionate reaction,and much worse than a bit of teenage or even adult attitude.

BlueNeighbourhood1 · 24/10/2017 20:36

What would everyone say if it was a woman coming on here to tell us her DH screamed in their face? Everyone would be saying the following

-LTB
-This is the first of many
-Hes abusive
-It wont end here it'll only get worse

Why is it people think it's acceptable when its a child he's screaming at?

RJnomore1 · 24/10/2017 20:42

Ah but what would everyone say if a woman came on to say she had lost her temper with her mouthy teenager after a long day looking after her two babies? Hmm

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 24/10/2017 20:45

Depends whether she'd screamed abuse in his face with veiled physical violence threats

RJnomore1 · 24/10/2017 20:47

I'd like to see the day she's told to pack her bags and go.

Teenagers can be hell to live with.

N0Way · 24/10/2017 21:11

I agree with Aquamarine1029 100%
And try to sit down and have a heart with your son to explain this. Try to help him see the situation and the possible options.

Nannasoup · 24/10/2017 21:11

I have two step children and my partner as my kids as step kids,personally I think you've over reacted! you two should have a United front your hubby done this for you ,your son obviously does not listen to you other wise your other half would not have had to get to 16 yr olds level in first place.

N0Way · 24/10/2017 21:14

But I do believe if it happens once it will probably happen again. And since now you know it's easy to get back together, you're probably going to break up again.

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