Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

Really hard situation but after one incident, I think ending things completely is an overreaction tbh but he needs to sort himself out. Those who said op was right, would you say the same if it was his dad?

Fatwedding you seem to have selective eyesight. The OP has said they've discussed him seeing the children but as he couldn't make the trip both ways in a day they're discussing how the OP can help him afford it.

Ops son has already said that she wasnt to think about him but the two little kids, he didnt matter. Hardly a special snowflake type.

He is hurt and scared and needs time to process this.

OPs first priority is her son and to protect him and show him he is important and nobody should be doing that to him. Excusing it just condones it.

Ops son was just being a teen! he didnt smack her upside the head, tell her to fuck off or refuse to do as he was told. He was actually doing what he was told when dp went off on one. Hardly timing it right was he?

Again being a bit rude is not the same as what her dp did is it?
Getting a telling off is a bit different from having an adult toe to toe with you screaming in your face and swearing what they will do to you. Or it was last time I told off my kids.

Then he started shouting at op for just walking into the same room as him. Not someone who is control of their anger really.

Are people on this board actually saying they would retain respect for a man who seeks to intimidate by screaming and swearing in anyone’s face in the manner described by OP?? I sure wouldn’t. Does that make me a snowflake??

The boy huffed and gave a sarcy one word reply, same as millions of kids do every day. Same as partners do to each other. Same as members of the public do to people serving them in shops. I could go on! In none of those situations would it be proportionate to react in the way this man did, and it wasn’t proportionate in the situation with OP’s son.

And Flowerpot, can I ask how you have such insight into the sons feelings and behaviour? “Revelling” in the break up, “moaning” and “dragging it out”?? Really?

oddmanout there's a difference between getting reprimanded at work and being screamed at in the face. Since when does your boss scream in your face? If my boss screamed in my face at work and used the language that OP's DP used I'd be walking out AND make a complaint about it.

OP, you don't have to let him move back in. Sounds like he is trying to emotionally blackmail you into having him back - by saying things like he can't go to counselling or see his children unless he moves back in. This is nonsense.

This is your choice - like a PP said, we all have our boundaries. Don't let anyone make you doubt yours.

Inthe
I agree totally.
Can you imagine this thread on the relationship board and ops dp did that to her cos she didnt move fast enough for him?
Or if you did it to a shop assistant and asked if you were justified.

I doubt the replies would be in the same victim blaming tone as they are on here.

It worries me that time and time again on here children are blamed for whatever happens to them.

Hi 😊 I'm kind of in the same situation as you and have been . I have been with my partner for 6 years . I left my daughters father of ten years when she was 5 because of constant cheating and him being violent . I live on my nerves half the time because I'm not a very strict parent and let my daughter get away with anything and my daughter has been very disrespectful towards me shouting ect and my partner stepped in and started saying to her not to speak to me the way she does and it escalated big time . He didn't lose his temper but she did and she even went for him when he turned the internet off . At this point I stepped in and told her off big time told her to get to bed but then she said I'm choosing him over her and she left for my mothers . I felt really bad but I didn't not choose him I told her to stay she came back after a week tho but she did need telling off . I would say take your partner back but warn him that if this happens one more time it will be finale . And I think your son will just have to accept it considering it was only the once that it happened . I hope that everything works out for you x

You've done the right thing op - well done. It's hard but you've shown your ds how important his feelings are to you and that you will never compromise his safety and peace of mind.

You will never regret that.

Me again 😂 also and I don't want or mean to come across mean but sometimes you have to show your son your the one in charge and not him . If you have your partner back it doesn't mean at all that you don't love your son or that he doesn't come 1st it means that your doing what you want and what's best for every one . They will rule your life otherwise . X

Huffing and sarky words aren't normal in our house for our teens. I am horrified that people think it's normal "typical behaviour" and ok! He is 16 and working!!
In fact the last thing my teen said was "I'll just sort out the kitchen and do the dishwasher" I didn't ask her to. I don't need to come that age.

I don't see how he can move nearer - without relying on you. He has no income. You have forced him to be such a distance away. He won't be able to rent that quickly - I know as we have moved many times and often rented first thing. It takes a while to get set up. Living in a premier inn is very expensive. Are you willing to fund the cost of a premier inn fir a couple if weeks op?

As I read it he gave up a job, or already wasn't working, to move into OPs house and assume the role of SaHD.

We made a choice together for various reasons, he gave up his job, it was a joint decision.

FlowerPot1234 I didn't allow my son to be rude. He gave a bit of teenage attitude and I pulled him up on it. My son is not revelling or moaning at all. He is gutted. He has stepped up and been helping me a huge amount.

Headofthehive55 there are places he can stay here. I can't afford a hotel for that period of time but we have friends who would help out.

My ds also tidied my kitchen and living room while I was at work today without being asked. He isnt a bad kid.

I’m really shocked anyone thinks DP should move back in. That is unacceptable behaviour, and he didn’t think it was an issue.

What needs to happen now for the family is for him to get a job near you, so he can have meaningful contact with the DCs.

I applaud your acceptance that you need to help him get set up financially.

Please carry on supporting your son- he didn’t do anything to cause this situation. DP did.

But op, he may not wish to move in with friends! He might want the emotional support of his family. That's his call. He may not want friends knowing too much about it all. Some people are more private. I am horrified by the suggestion actually. I certainly would be most uncomfortable staying with friends.

How is he supposed to finance accommodation or travelling to and from seeing the children? by getting a job.

You have forced him to be such a distance away oP has said numerous times there are friends closer who would help. Instead he deliberately moved as far away as possible so OP would have no childcare. HE COULD move closer. He could ask friends if he could sleep over for one night so he can see the babies. He doesn't want to cos he got pulled up for being verbally aggressive to a child

He can't impose himself on his friends and there is nothing wrong with him staying with family.

He can't impose himself on his friends and there is nothing wrong with him staying with family.

My kids would never give me attitude and she is a teenager.

Completely agree with Headofthehive - who wants to doss on a friends sofa when they inevitably will want to know the details and be judging him behind closed doors. How uncomfortable and lonely is that! I can absolutely see why he chose family over that depressing scenario.
Rent him a flat or accept he has no choice but to be miles away until he can find a job and afford a flat himself..

Rent him a flat or accept he has no choice but to be miles away until he can find a job and afford a flat himself

He will be staying where he is for the emotional support of his family. I completely understand that and understand why. While he is so far away things will remain broken.

I suppose I'll have to face a future of him seeing the kids a few times a year while we get on with our lives apart.

I'm gutted and still in shock.

Thanks for all of your opinions

He can't impose himself on his friends
He can, he doesn't want to. Fair enough.
But he isn't bothering to think about his children. He isn't doing anything to sort this problem with his family or to see the babies.

and there is nothing wrong with him staying with family. absolutely not but if it means not seeing his kids for weeks, months then he's being selfish

If a boss or a partner screamed in my face the way this man did then fuck yeah I would lose respect for them. I've never had a boss scream in my face, ever, and I wouldn't stand for it! Nor would I stand for it from a partner. That's a specious and stupid comparison.

Well it's your choice. The ball is in your court.
I imagine your little children will be less than enthralled about the situation, and who knows what they will feel about their big brother in later life. It's not going to help their relationship.