Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

You did not overreact. Sorry, but if anyone spoke to my DS like that they'd be gone and not coming back. It's aggressive and threatening behaviour. I don't speak to my DS that way, my parents never spoke to me that way. It's not acceptable.

Would he speak to an adult the same way? Why is it OK just because it's a teenager? Screaming in someone's face is not the way to handle bad or cheeky behaviour.

He doesn’t need to stay far away. He is prioritising himself over you and his DC.

Get legal advice. Don’t financially support him. Facilitate him seeing his DC but don’t finance him.

Has he asked for contact with his children OP?

He asks after them. Speaks to the older one on the phone and we have discussed him visiting and me visiting where he is now with the dc.

Please don’t ever choose a not very nice man over your child. My mum did and its ruined our relationship, although she thinks things are fine. That was completely out of order, especially if he has witnessed abuse when he was younger. This sounds like a red flag to me too, who knows if it could happen again or get worse. I wouldn’t be happy if my husband spoke to my son like that, let alone another man.
I understand it must be hard if you still love him, but imagine how your son would feel if you took him back. It will get easier for you with time

OP why 'can't' you move him back in? Now I really do think you're overreacting.
You're actually making this worse frankly by letting it drag on and fester in the minds of your eldest son and your DP.
Get them in a room together with you there too and let them talk it out. If he lives too far for a day trip, then meet half way for a day out as a family and talk over lunch.
This sounds like a one off event and teenagers are fickle, without you running interference I bet it will be sorted by the time the day is done.

Op different people have different boundaries, some it's verbal abuse some it would need to be physical but in this situation the only view that matters is yours. You do not need to tolerate any behaviour that you think is unacceptable in your home. It doesn't matter if another person would tolerate it, for you it crossed the line.

Unless I have missed something,and if I have I apologise, but having been the sahp, I assume he wasn't earning anything? How is he supposed to finance accommodation or travelling to and from seeing the children?

I can't move him back in because my ds is hurt, he has lost all respect for dp, and he has seen far too much of that kind of behaviour from his dad towards me.

I know my ds, he would say things are fine, he would put me and his siblings above himself and say all the right things to make everyone else happy.

Maybe I am making things worse, I'm at a total loss as to how to make things better though.

How is he supposed to finance accommodation or travelling to and from seeing the children?

I will help as much as possible.

I feel for you op, I really do. Not an ideal situation for anyone. I wish you all the best.

@BaronessEllaSaturday yeah it is possible I’m projecting actually you’re right, only Op really knows, sorry OP x

I'm at a total loss as to how to make things better though.

You can't, it has to come from dp with first and foremost an understanding of just how bad his behaviour was then him taking steps to ensure he doesn't lose control again.

I understand how you think and your protectiveness for what your eldest son has gone through OP, but saying 'he's lost all respect for dp' after one fall out is also extreme. Is he going to lose all respect for his boss and walk out if he gets a reprimand at work? What if his future wife shouts at him, will he leave then having lost all respect for her?

Do you see what I mean? You can't let him be so final after one event or you're not helping him or preparing him for the future, you're just bubble wrapping him so he doesn't learn how to handle future situations.

He needs to learn that people lose their temper and people can cross the line and go too far as with your DP, but this doesn't mean everyone is abusive, and that people who are genuinely sorry don't deserve forgiveness or a second chance.

Thank you for all the advice. Seeing it from other perspectives is helping a lot.

It really is a messed up situation and none of us feel great about it

For me, your DP crossed a line. A line that IF he was your DS dad might be forgiveable if he apologised, and was contrite.

But hes not his dad. He's basically just your bf and he's overstepped the mark massively.

He also sounds like a cocklodger from your subsequent posts, so I'd say you're well rid.

@fatweddingguest

But he's not just a boyfriend is he? He's biological father to 2 of her children and a SAHD to all of them.

Is he going to lose all respect for his boss and walk out if he gets a reprimand at work? What if his future wife shouts at him, will he leave then having lost all respect for her?

Dp said something very similar to me.

I think, as an adult, he can make choices, he can choose to leave his job, he can choose whether to stay in a marriage.

As my child i dont want him to be uncomfortable in his own home. I don't want us to lose the relationship we have. I don't want him to be second best in my life too, I'm all he has ever had, and I am fairly rubbish if I'm honest but I don't ever want him to doubt he is my priority.

How was he a Cocklodger (hate this term)? I thought he was the sahp, so I assume he was looking after the kid's and doing the lion share of the housework? Does that make all sahm who don't work the female equivalent of a Cocklodger?

He also sounds like a cocklodger from your subsequent posts, so I'd say you're well rid.

A SAHD of two children under 3 is a cocklodger?

He wasnt a cocklodger. He was a SAHD, we saved a fortune in child care because he was here with the kids.

fatwedding - he was the SAHD, hardly a cocklodger

OP I feel for you, any way you look at it the facts make this very difficult. I hope you get it resolved soon. Perhaps try speaking to your son about your dilemma - he is 16 afterall?

As I read it he gave up a job, or already wasn't working, to move into OPs house and assume the role of SaHD. His main motivation in sorting this out is not the DSs welfare, its because he'll now have to.support himself.

Id judge anyone male or female who moved into someone else's house and engineered a setup for themselves like this.

Anonaninanan

I can't move him back in because my ds is hurt

Yes you can. Your 16 year old son is hurt. Upset that an adult shouted in his face for disrespecting you and being rude to you. Ho hum.

he has lost all respect for dp

After being told off for being rude? Have you lost respect for your son for being rude to you?

and he has seen far too much of that kind of behaviour from his dad towards me.

Yet your son is quite happy to be rude to you.

I know my ds, he would say things are fine, he would put me and his siblings above himself and say all the right things to make everyone else happy.

He didn't when he was rude to you, did he? He isn't by moaning still and dragging this out. He isn't by reveling in breaking you two up.

Maybe I am making things worse

There's no maybe about it.

I'm at a total loss as to how to make things better though.

Get everyone in a room together and talk about what happened. Stop putting your rude son on a pedestal. Stop being part of the snowflake generation machine.

Would those be the same 2 children that he hasn't seen. I couldn't imagine being away from my dc unnecessarily so I can't really understand someone else making the choice not to see them and from everything you've said it is a choice. Is his current behaviour in the best interests of any of the children.

As for the facile comparison someone made with being shouted at in work, I'd never stand for being spoken to by a manager how the OPs partner spoke to her DS, and I would certainly support a child of mine leaving a job where they'd been addressed like that.

I don't think that makes me any kind of a special snowflake.

And yes the fact he's made no effort to see his children since this speaks volumes.