Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

[Anonaninanan]

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

You did the right thing. Your son had no chance. Your love for the man will lessen and die. Your love for your son will not. Be strong. If you take this man back you will send a message to your son that the man comes first.

Your BF isn't exactly falling over himself trying to make things better though, is he?!

He moved too far away to be any help for your DC. I'll bet the reason he moved so far away was to teach you a lesson. He honestly thought you would drop the ball if he left, that juggling work and childcare would have been too much and you would have asked for him to come back sooner.

He only wants counselling now because you didn't cave, you stood strong and made it work. He has seriously underestimated you.

If he REALLY wanted to make it work, he would do everything he could to move closer, to take on his share of parenting his children, and be available for counselling while living OUTSIDE of the house. To prove to your DS that he has changed.

But he's not, and that's because he hasn't changed. He's just saying what he thinks you want to hear in order to get you back.

Are you joking? You think that there is an excuse for screaming in someone's face and making threats? Scaring them, making them cry?

Jeez, have some control. Nothing was ever fixed or made better this way.

There are some truly appalling posts on here.

I do feel that punishment should be proportionate though. IT seems excessive to banish him from his other children, and his home.
Normally in this country we do have a tradition of rehabilitation, for example, speeding doesn't lead to removal of licence always, you might do a speeding course. Or prison isn't for ever. Or bankruptcy. I think it's important to give people a way back. Of course, not everyone agrees and would prefer to hang everyone for even minor things.

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo: you think the DP acted with integrity and honor????

No - he reacted angrily. It was a teaching moment for all three of them, but no one was able to teach. DS needs to learn how to treat all women, including his mother. DP needs to learn how to teach his DSS without over-reacting. OP needs to learn how to teach both without over-reacting...

Talkinboutwhat - not everyone has the money to stay in a local hotel at the drop of a hat or find a rental place. Have you considered he had no choice but to stay with family, rather than it being some evil master plan with him doing his best Dr Evil impression?

I don't think your son should be allowed to dictate the future here.
Acknowledge that your OH went to far but he doesn't why to say he won't talk/discuss ways to move on.

What happens in the further when one of his siblings fight with him?
Will the fact that he had a rough start mean they should tread carefully around him?

You can't really play both points either.
If he is so delicate and damaged through years of abuse why did you get with a man and produce two children in two years?
That's all on OP. So she can make damaging decisions but no one else can?

Well ... are you minimising your sons behaviour? Is he very rude and dismissive and relies on your pitying him to get away with doing sod all?
Maybe your partner overreacted but it had been building up for a while? I’d sit down with them both and discuss what happened ... if partner is unwilling then leave him.

And no @Rubies12345 it doesn’t sound like a threat of violence at all ... it sounds like a threat of severe consequences. Don’t be hyperbolic

But people saying your DP should grovel to your son? He’ll no. He should clearly and honestly apologise ... but if he grovels your teenager will know he rules the roost and take the piss I think.
It sounds like your son is happy the other adult male is gone and doesn’t want him back ... not because he shouted but because he doesn’t like him or wants to be in charge.

If I could’ve gotten rid of my step mum at that age she’s have been long gone.

LemonysSnicket I think you are projecting slightly. The boy cried, could possibly be crocodile tears but more likely to be fear and no one however old they are deserves to live in fear

Oddmanout OP has said he could have stopped closer but chose not to.
Headofthehive55 see above.e. he banished himself to punish OP and DS

Thank you for all your views.

To clarify a few things (I may have missed some out, I haven't done it on purpose there has been a lot to read through)

I was on my own for 5 years before I got with dp. I did the freedom programme and had help from women's aid.

My son is not particularly lazy, spoiled or pandered to, nor is he dictating anything. He was out of education/work for a total of 2 weeks. He told me that it didn't matter about him and to think of my other dc.

Someone said maybe I am trying to overcompensate for what everyone else in his life has been like, that is probably true.

This was a lot more than shouting. He was screaming an inch from my son's face. I was there, I saw it.

He has been a good and loving dad, I don't think he is a bad person, he just did a bad thing.

We were together for 3 years. We had 2 children pretty quickly.

I know I have fucked up, believe me I know. I had an abusive childhood, I went straight in to marry an older abusive man and stayed for far too long and then think I've met a decent guy and it's all gone wrong again.

He isnt willing to move closer to us. He needs the support of his family.

He won't be going for custody of the children.

If he moved closer I would be willing to support him financially as best I can.

I haven't told ds it is his choice. I have told him that it is my choice. I have told him that it was dps fault, not his, and the choice is mine to not have him here. I have also told him it is absolutely up to ds whether he wants to forgive him or not and that I won't get involved in that.

Dp asked me if it was ok to message d's to apologise and I said that it was but he absolutely has not to make ds feel guilty. Dp said that all he wanted to do was apologise and as far as I know that's what he did.

This has all happened in the last 2 weeks so still very early days.

It's such a mess.

I'm on tube side of thinking you did the right thing OP but why If he moved closer I would be willing to support him financially as best I can. Unless he goes back to having the kids fulltime so you're essentially paying him childcare (fair enough) why is it your responsibility to support him? He needs to get a job and be there for his kids. Marriages break up bit that doesn't make it OK to abandon the kids. How much has he seen them in those two weeks?

He has been a good and loving dad, I don't think he is a bad person, he just did a bad thing

op this is easily fixable. I do think your over reacting. Go and get family councilling. Your treating him as if he has physically attacked your son. He hasn't

I agree with lemony

He hasn't seen them at all. He is a significant distance away. He couldn't travel there and back in a day.

It isn't my job to support him, it would be better for my dc if he were nearby though and he has been reliant on me as he has been a SAHD so I'm willing to support him until he gets sorted out.

Tbh I don't think op wants proactive advice...

It's a great thread for a debate!

Has he asked for contact with his children OP?

I'm still steadfast in my opinion that you have not overreacted. I wouldn't let him move back in, but he should see his own children.

Counselling will be near impossible due to the distance.

He would go if he could move back in.

I can't move him back in.

It's very difficult.

It isn't my job to support him, it would be better for my dc if he were nearby though and he has been reliant on me as he has been a SAHD so I'm willing to support him until he gets sorted out.

This is a very valid point, if it had been the mother staying at home she would expect the financial support of her husband/partner. Good for you op.

Tbh I don't thinkopwants proactive advice...

I asked for advice and opinions and am taking them onboard.

I have told people I know who have sided with me, he told people he knows and they have sided with him.

I needed neutral views and advice.

So as well as being a Dick to your eldest he's now being a Dick to the babies. He has chosen to be so far away he can't see his own kids. Presumably if you got him deposit for a flat and rent money and food money he would condescend to move back.

You said you have child care sorted. Looks like he needs to get a job and save up to move back. Or look at staying with the other people who live closer . I don't doubt he needs his parents. Shouldn't take him much to work out how his kids feel too.

Hes been the SAHD and now been kicked out entirely ? That must be so distressing for everyone, especially since it was one single loss of temper, and only a verbal rant