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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Son or boyfriend? Did I over react?

594 replies

Anonaninanan · 23/10/2017 22:31

My partner and i have been together for 3 years and have 2 children.

I also have older children.

I should maybe start by saying that my ex was very abusive towards me and has failed to be any sort of a father, also my family is just crap, so my son has had nobody but me there for for him, which has probably clouded my view.

My partner is a great guy, was there for the kids and me, we had ups and downs but were generally ok.

Sadly I had to ask him to leave over an incident and a few people seem to think I'm over reacting.

My son (16) was being a bit lazy, typical teen stuff really. I was telling him to do something, he huffed and puffed, I told him off, he huffed some more. Then my partner came up to him and screamed in his face. Right in his face. He swore and shouted "dont fucking speak to your mum like that, that's out of order, you better start to show her some fucking respect, if you don't start to change your attention, then im gonna come down so fucking hard, you ain't gonna know what's hit you". I was sitting there in shock. My partner walked off to clam down, my son collapsed into tears and I knew then that my life was about to change.

I asked my partner to apologise to my son, which he eventually did with a shrug and a 'sorry' he then shouted at me asking why I was in his face when I had just walked into the room.

I spoke to my son who was crushed. He said he didn't feel comfortable around my partner after that and had lost all respect for him. I asked my partner to leave.

My son did come later and tell me to think of everyone else and that it didn't matter as it was only him which broke my heart even more.

We got things sorted and he left a couple of days later, he moved with family a significant distance away.

Now I'm stuck. I still love him. But I obviously love my son more.

I want to be with him. I can't see how after what happened.

I can't see a way forward out of this whole mess.

Did I over react?

Where can we go from here?

OP posts:
Potello · 24/10/2017 11:41

I think you both over reacted. Your dp over reacted to your ds and I think kicking him out was an over reaction. We all lose our tempers sometimes. Except the armchair psychologists on mn of course.

I do find it ironic how women are constantly told on mn how precarious their position as a sahm; they shouldn't leave the house, should gather all paperwork etc...yet the dp is/was a sahp has now been kicked out whilst he's not earning any money and he's getting shit for not being able to find local accommodation.

ShoesHaveSouls · 24/10/2017 11:41

Do the SMT shout "I'm gonna come down on you so fucking hard you won't know what's hit you" to the class, and scream in pupil's faces?

I wouldn't have thought so.

brogueish · 24/10/2017 11:41

I don't know whether you did the right thing or not, you know the full backstory.

However. My absolutely lovely step mother had a completely rose tinted view of her sons, she was an absolute lioness. Her exH had also been abusive and her boys had lived through that, which I can't even begin to imagine. The end result though was that the eldest especially was an absolute nightmare, gave my dad hell and bullied me for years, safe in the knowledge that his mum would always, always, always take his side, which she did, regardless of how he treated/spoke to her or anyone else. I understand and respect how fiercely protective of them she was after what they'd all been through, but I really don't think that it served her eldest well in the long term. To this day he sees women as basically weak and has little respect for them. I am sympathetic and genuinely do understand why he behaved as he did but it still wasn't right, but nobody was ever allowed to pull him up on it.

You know your family situation, of course, and it could be completely different to what I've described.

Willow2017 · 24/10/2017 11:42

Just for Happy

Splendid
What a nasty post.

My son has little self esteem or confidence despite 15 years of support and encouragement . Its just him. Its nobody's fault.

How dare you blame op for that.

She left an abusive relationship that takes guts to go off on your own with a child. Its not her fault her ex is a useless father.

Only on mn could a man scream at, swear at and threaten a teenager and its all the mothers fault!

Was using my phone which is very sensitive and it posted before I had checked it (fat fingers)

I hope you are able to read it now, wouldn't want to put you out.

WTF does "Willow you showed no confidence in what you posted. The amount of mistakes. Charity starts at home not on mn." even mean?

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2017 11:42

Often students will report "he was shouting at me screaming in my face " when actually if you watch the incident the teacher is just facing them asking them to do something the student doesn't want to do.
My point us perhaos he felt he was raising his voice to make a point, but the boy read his actions as shouting and screaming in his face.

ShoesHaveSouls · 24/10/2017 11:44

The OP was there, too HeadoftheHive, and interpreted it in the same way. You're trying to minimise what the OP witnessed.

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2017 11:45

shoes
Yes I've heard it many times, without the swearing.

And the swearing? Well many people just swear every other word. I don't, but I am aware there is a group of people who just do.

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 24/10/2017 11:46

You often hear adults screaming that into children's faces head and you think its ok?

splendidisolation · 24/10/2017 11:48

@Willow2017

Thanks for double posting willow, that was really useful. Here's my latest response again too:

I'm just saying that if you've been in an abusive relationship that leaves psychological scars on your 14 year old son, which is what the OP says happened, maybe its not a great idea to move a new man in and have two kids with him within the space of two years.

Maybe you should have focussed on nurturing your son and putting him first, since that's how you say you feel. You say you feel very strongly about how much support and tenderness and care your son needs. Maybe you should have put a romantic relationship on the back burner, or maybe you should have dated your partner not moved him in, or maybe moved him in but not then had a child, or had one child not two. You say your son is so fragile and a little damaged, I believe you. But why then move so irrationally quickly with a new man after your first abusive relationship?

I'm saying I think you have huge amounts of guilt surrounding poor decisions you took that were not to your son's advantage. You've tried to soothe that guilt by taking action against your partner, rightly or wrongly, but in fact the right thing to do by your son would have been different decisions made earlier.

I think you should take decisions much more carefully in the future, and take responsibility for those decisions without diversion.

Realise that your son's issues arent created by your partner having a one off outburst, although obviously that doesnt help. They are created by all the life experiences that have come before, and that were largely forged in part by your own hand.

You've got another decision to make now. Take it wisely. I'm out, good luck to you and your son.

inniu · 24/10/2017 11:49

Op whose house is it? Can your DP just move back in? Have you thought about where the younger kids will live? If he realises you are not going to allow him back in( if the house is only in your name) is he likely to look for equal or main residency?

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2017 11:50

No, I'm expressing that there is iften a difference in interpretation. He might not have felt that's what he was doing. And it came across much worse than he intended.

Willow2017 · 24/10/2017 11:51

Why are people assuming Op went straight from an abusive relationship into this one?
She hasnt said how long she has been left her ex.
She didnt say how old her ds was when they left.
She did say that she knew dp for years before they got together.
Her ds is 16 she could have been on her own for years but people are piling in saying she should have put her son first, never should have got with dp (for how long is it ok to wait?) etc etc.
Its nobody's business how long it was between her relationships, she knew her dp for years and made a decision based on that friendship.

Now he has shown himself to be able to build up resentment towards her ds and 'the red mist came down' and he went for it. Not someone I would want around ANY of my kids.
People are forgetting he is alone all day with 2 little kids, what if they 'push' him how does he react to that with no-one to see him?

ShoesHaveSouls · 24/10/2017 11:51

Sorry, headofthehive - just to be clear - are you saying the SMT actually does scream in pupil's faces, or are you saying that the pupils say the SMT screamed in their faces, but they didn't really - just faced them and asked them to do something they didn't want to do?

Because, obviously, in the case of the OP - she witnessed it, and described it as screaming and swearing in his face.

loveyoutothemoon · 24/10/2017 11:54

oddmanout we've all done that

What shout and scream in a child's face? I very much doubt everyone has done that.

And for those saying your child is spoilt, I don't think this is the case at all.

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2017 11:56

I have seen SMT shout in front if a year group - you could argue it was in their faces. And give them a real earful.

Willow2017 · 24/10/2017 11:58

Head
He did it in front of OP.

Her son didnt imagine it.
He thought it was fine until it impacted on him, then he got abusive towards op.

He said 'the red mist came down' that is being out of control. Standing over a boy and screaming and swearing and threatening him didnt happen by accident. It wasnt a 'mistake', he knew exactly what he was doing. There wasnt any need for him to do it in the first place, its a typical teen response, OP was handling it, he was actually doing as he was told and coming back to OP, OP didnt need defending or anything else.

Headofthehive55 · 24/10/2017 11:59

Often people don't want their behaviour challenged. The op didn't want her sons behaviour challenged. IT was ok for her to have the son speak to her that way. So perhaos he shouldn't have interfered.

Willow2017 · 24/10/2017 11:59

Shouting in front of a year group is nowhere near the same as face to face looming over a teen boy screaming in their face ffs.

ShoesHaveSouls · 24/10/2017 12:02

So, different to what happened to the OP's son then. (And I bet they wouldn't have done it in the middle of an OFSTED inspection.)

Willow2017 · 24/10/2017 12:07

Head
Now you are being silly.

You cant admit that dp was wrong when you realised that he was seen doing it, that it wasnt necessary because the boy was doing as he was told just in typical teen manner.

Your last post is breathtakingly twisted to blame the op and her son.

Her son only said 'Alright' as he came towards her, he didnt shout or swear at her, she was dealing with it.

BTW as your PA post hints at HER behaviour didnt need 'challenging' any more than the sons did.

God if I had to 'challenge' everytime my teen got the hump and did something he was told while grumping about it I would never stop!

IShouldntPostBut · 24/10/2017 12:10

Staples: "IShouldntPostBut" (your user name is so apt) - you've stumbled into 2017 and 1957 wants you back."

One of the enduring themes here in MN is the wish that men would act with integrity and honour.

I know this sounds very 1950-ish, but if we don't teach this to our children, and expect it of them, they won't know how to do it, now will they?

My "cleaning the loo with your toothbrushes" comment was intended to show the OP that there were other possible reactions on her part than booting her partner because he lost his temper.

Adviceplease360 · 24/10/2017 12:11

I'm just saying that if you've been in an abusive relationship that leaves psychological scars on your 14 year old son, which is what the OP says happened, maybe its not a great idea to move a new man in and have two kids with him within the space of two years.

Maybe you should have focussed on nurturing your son and putting him first, since that's how you say you feel. You say you feel very strongly about how much support and tenderness and care your son needs. Maybe you should have put a romantic relationship on the back burner, or maybe you should have dated your partner not moved him in, or maybe moved him in but not then had a child, or had one child not two. You say your son is so fragile and a little damaged, I believe you. But why then move so irrationally quickly with a new man after your first abusive relationship?

I'm saying I think you have huge amounts of guilt surrounding poor decisions you took that were not to your son's advantage. You've tried to soothe that guilt by taking action against your partner, rightly or wrongly, but in fact the right thing to do by your son would have been different decisions made earlier.

I think you should take decisions much more carefully in the future, and take responsibility for those decisions without diversion.

Realise that your son's issues arent created by your partner having a one off outburst, although obviously that doesnt help. They are created by all the life experiences that have come before, and that were largely forged in part by your own hand.

You've got another decision to make now. Take it wisely. I'm out, good luck to you and your son. Completely agree.

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 24/10/2017 12:16

IShouldntPostBut you think the DP acted with integrity and honor????0

MuseumOfCurry · 24/10/2017 12:24

It's not nearly as easy as prioritising your son over your boyfriend Your boyfriend is the father of your younger children.

I think you overreacted. As for the 'red mist' - have you people ever heard of rhetorical flair?

On the fact of it, this is an overreaction. He tried to support you, his language and demeanour is absolutely not ok but he is not irredeemable.

MuseumOfCurry · 24/10/2017 12:27

What shout and scream in a child's face? I very much doubt everyone has done that.

Hahahahah. I have a 15 year old son who likes to repeatedly keep his skylight open and then leave the house all day, cue fuckloads of water damage. Yes I scream in his face. Are you joking?

Teenagers are unbelievably self-absorbed and they will test the patience of a saint.