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Original poster

Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

251 replies

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:04

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

OP posts:
hereiam · 18/04/2007 16:08

God... sounds like me! I'm in my early fifties and since losing the weight, I keep fit and am proud of the old bod! Don't know about the face bit... I'd probably frighten the horses!
Good on her..

psychobitch · 18/04/2007 16:13

I weigh less now than I did when I met DP 5 years ago, and he couldn't keep his hands of me then!

Last summer lost quite a bit of weight (also slowly crept back up since then), so was thinner than he had ever known me, but still there was no improvement in our sex life!

Think that is probably one of the reasons I stopped dieting last year. Figured what the hell was the point in putting myself through the misery of starving myself (and going without my beloved bottle of rose) when he still didn't want me!

And I know that it is wrong to diet for someone else, and that I should be doing it for me, and I did feel a little better about myself during that time. But not completely better and ended up back on the anti depressents when at my thinnest.

Anyway, I kind of got off the point there! The point is that my weight made no difference! Was still permanently frustrated and wondering what the hell is so wrong with me to make him not want me!

hereiam · 18/04/2007 16:15

I think, psycho.. the big problem with you and I is... we have known a good healthy siex life with them. If that hadn't have been the case, we might feel differently.

To have it snatched away from you is so unfair.

And obviously for both of us... weight is not an issue... I now weigh what I did in my teens, less than when I got married too so its irrelevant

psychobitch · 18/04/2007 16:22

It's just so bloody frustrating (in more ways than one, pardon the pun).

I just feel like shouting at him 'either shag me or piss off'!

Whenever we do have sex it is always the same, and I have commented on it, and he does ocassionally make an effort (on the rare ocassion it happens at all).

Also, and god this is so embarrasing! But he can only ever orgasm in one position, and it has ALWAYS been like that. Which I find really weird!

Kind of feels like he is always masturbating but with me (same position, same rhythm), which I understand, but doubt if anyone at all knows what the hell I mean by that!!!

expatinscotland · 18/04/2007 16:24

K, here's a really not PC answer, but sometimes I read these threads and thing, 'How do these people cope? Sorry, but I'd be finding someone else for some action.'

expatinscotland · 18/04/2007 16:28

So in answer to the original question, yes, a sexless marriage can 'work' a) if you both agreed to it b) if the one who wants the sex but isn't getting it at home finds it elsewhere.

Like I said, the vow goes 'do you promise to love, honour and cherish him/her, foresaking all others . . .'

Love, honour and cherish are right up there with fidelity.

if you throw that first bit out because it really doesn't matter to you how your partner feels about lack of intimacy, well, then, you've betrayed them as much as any affair.

Just my opinion, but there it is.

hereiam · 18/04/2007 16:29

Well, expat, sod being PC. I have read your threads before and I know you like a healthy s**g (sorry if I sound rude.. but I can identify with what you have posted on other threads) and fortunately or unfortunately, that is the way I have gone.
I am deeply ashamed and guilty at times, but after too many years (so many, I would be embarrasssed to say) I have gone that way. Otherwise, I would probably have either done in DH or myself, or just exploded.
I know, I know.. the PC answer is get help... but when you have tried to get help for years you realise that is not necessarily the answer.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2007 16:35

It's too bad it had to come to that, here, but I can see why.

If it's part of who you are, and what you need to feel like you, and it wasn't something agreed to at the time of the marriage (barring illess/health problems), then what's a person supposed to do?

It's like asking someone who change the colour of their skin.

hereiam · 18/04/2007 16:38

Thats reassuring to hear. Thank you. I have not admitted it to anyone. No one in the world knows because I feel bad about it. The sad thing is... I think my DH knows he has lost a little of me along the way somewhere.. and I am still trying to resuscitate it at home but he doesnt respond, which is puzzling and hurtful at the same time.

hereiam · 18/04/2007 16:41

Anyone looking in on this thread, would say, I know... why don't you leave him.

The trouble is ... its not as easy as that. Obviously cos of children... but for various reasons he relies on me totally and I think he would disintegrate if I left. And I can't bear to hurt him. So I'm trying to make the best of my situation

expatinscotland · 18/04/2007 16:41

Yes, because you love him.

But I would stop feeling bad about it if I were you. And think instead how bad you'd feel just now if you didn't have someone else there to satisfy that need.

'Mary' is going to divorce her husband not because of her lover, but because he hurt her for years and years with his actions, knew how it hurt her, and yet didn't want to make an effort about it.

hereiam · 18/04/2007 16:46

Well, I can understand 'Mary' and maybe it will come to that with me... I do hope not... but I do feel bitter and resentful, even after all these years. I spent a long time trying to put it right.. always me making the effort and then after doing that for about 5 years, I sort of 'shut down' to stop all the heartache I was experiencing.. I couldn't do it any more without having a breakdown.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your kind words... I feel like I've 'come out'

And to experience wonderful lovemaking after all those years is something I cannot put into words.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2007 16:53

As I said, you're not alone.

One of my best pals here is now in an affair because her husband ceased relations about 3 years ago.

She sees a man she used to work with.

hereiam · 18/04/2007 16:57

Well, maybe mine will be a 23 year one like Mary! Its been over a year already with plenty of respect, affection and out of this world s***g so I am hopeful

theSelfishMan · 18/04/2007 17:05

echoing what expat said (more articulately than i could), what I find most depressing about these threads is the passivity on the part of peoples partners...

I could understand if it was a serious condition (i.e. cancer, AD's) that wasn't really solveable, but when you hear comments like "its unimportant" or "hasn't been bothered to go to the doctor", it reads to me "my partners happiness is unimportant" or "i can't be bothered to make my partner happy".

And if I hear one more comment about how men/someones partner won't talk about it, because they get defensive, I'm going to scream.

hereiam · 18/04/2007 17:12

Well... if there was a physical reason, like you mentiond... or even prem ejaculation or not being able to get it up... that is easier to bear. But the biggest sexual organ in the body is the mind, and I think that is the problem.

theSelfishMan · 18/04/2007 17:41

Totally agree - and many, many people are afraid to "get under the hood" so to speak. And it is hard - you often find things you've been avoiding thinking about..

But to wilfully decide to not even try to look at the issue, sorry, no offence to your DP's, but i find that attitude horrifying. Like expat said - what happened to love and cherish?

Don't get me wrong - like a lot of guys I've had run-in with difficulties with sex - little rituals and specific positions, otherwise i couldn't get it up/ejaculate, etc. But the thing is - this is normal, it doesn't make someone less of a man. And I do realise that some peoples problems are more deep-seated, but the same principle applies.

It's only when you let it fester, or go ostrich-like on it, that it becomes abnormal. And frankly, ignoring it - esp. when your partner is unhappy - well, that certainly isn't "manly". or very loving, frankly.

(sorry, a bit rambling there)

hereiam · 18/04/2007 17:56

it's v interesting to hear a mans perspective on it... I know about rituals and suchlike... even women have 'em, to get the best out of a session.. as you say, its normal and understandable.
But, whats hard is the excuses... or promising to get things back on an even keel but doing nothing to help that process. I think it is a vicious circle tbh.

Judy1234 · 18/04/2007 18:23

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hereiam · 18/04/2007 18:54

of course xenia, it is not the right thing to do. But unless you have been in this position, unless you have a partner who relies on you totally, and who you love, you can't condemn totally.

hereiam · 18/04/2007 18:59

Also, I dont think a man having an affair necessarily gives up on sex at home because of the affair.. that would certainly be arousing suspicion.
For my part, I know my DH isn't getting it elsewhere... in a bizarre way, I wish he was... it would mean he still had sexual desire and we could work on it. Nobody should ever be complacent about their DH playing away, but for various reasons, I know he isnt

Judy1234 · 18/04/2007 19:29

Can't people just masturbate though. Why do the betrayal? Anyway I certainly don't condemn anyone I know more about unhappy marriages than most people.

hereiam · 18/04/2007 19:38

Would masturbating be enough for you? For years and years?

psychobitch · 18/04/2007 19:39

Masturbation solves nothing (IMO) because it isn't the orgasm or getting the juices flowing that counts!

It's the being intimate with the man you love, who LOVES you and WANTS to be intimate with you!

hereiam · 18/04/2007 19:41

thank you for stepping in there psycho...

Anyone can masturbate... I have a worn out rabbit (!)... but that is no answer to the problem. The problem is feel of skin on skin, hugging, kissing... being wanted, cherished, fancied, touched.. and more