Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

[HampshireHog]

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

I think (also thinking of something another poster on this thread mentioned) one part of the problem for some people may be that there's this concept of what a 'normal' sexual pattern is, and you might feel that if you're not getting it the 'normal' number of times then there's a problem, rather than being in tune with what you actually want in terms of sexual frequency.
Again, this is not to belittle anyone who is stuck with a sexually-witholding partner and feeling desperate about it. It must be a rotten situation.

I know that to some people my situation doesn't seem too bad, and some women would be grateful for a bloke who didn't want it all the time. But for me it is awful. Makes me feel like he just doesn't want me and makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

Psychobitch:well you're obviously feeling bad, so there's something that needs to be addressed in your relationship. Can you have a calm chat with your DH (preferably when you're not feeling desperately horny) about feeling rejected and unloved, and see how he reacts. The peole who have the best chance of sorting out this kind of problem are the ones who can take on board the fact that it's not a matter of one of them wanting the "right" amount of sex and the other being either inadequate or a depraved lustmonster. Both partners have to work togehter and make an effort to find a solutino because (can't really say it often enough) if one partner is happy with things as they are but the other partner is very un happy then something's going to have to change.

Bit late unfortunately. Just had a huge row about it. He says that I always feel unloved and unwanted (doesn't seem to get why though!!?!?!?).

I know that I have self esteem issues and it must irritate him a bit (well it drives me crazy anyway), but I never ever turn him down for sex, unlike him with me!

So makes me think that I must be doing something wrong!

This thread is one of the saddest I have ever read.

Because it reminds me of 'Mary', my mom's dear friend, and the incredible amount of pain and unhappiness in her life - and her lover's - because of spouses who basically had children with them, promised to 'love, honour and cherish' them, and then reneged on this promise with a 'too bad, I'm all done'.

What's the difference between this and adultery?

We have only one life to live. It is so precious and so short!

Too short to be utterly, completely fucking miserable because of a spouse who just doesn't see any reason to compromise, to 'love, honour and cherish'.

Imagine if, God forbid, you died instantly. And it meant you went unhappy, unrestful and resentful. Because the one you loved and trusted put their own feelings about everything.

'He's a good father'.

Sorry, but a good father is one who loves and honours the mother of his children, who makes her feel cherished.

Psychobitch: recommend you looking for some help with your self-esteem issues for your own sake - and also because, if you can start feeling better about yourself in and of yourself (ie not because of any other person's behaviour) you might find it easier to talk to your DH about ways to improve the situation between you, without getting upset.
This is particularly a good idea if you are or have been feeling bad about yourself for reasons other than his sexual reluctance.

Expat - you share my feelings on how unfair this situation is...I know you cannot force someone to want to have sex with you..but for someone to be physically able but just not want you anymore must be heartbreaking and a terrible betrayal I agree....

I see Lazyanna has disappeared when the going got tough again...

I guess, for me, I link sex with love. It's a form of intimacy, a pleasure to share with someone I love, with his body and spirit.

Not just sex, but the physical affection - the kisses, the cuddles, the foreplay.

To just not have it anymore because someone just up and changed their mind and/or didn't care enough about my feelings and who I am to try to do something about it would just be a betrayal of their marriage vows to me, IMO.

Sorry, but I rank 'love, honour and cherish' right up there with fidelity.

Fair enough if you develop issues with fancying your spouse after the children come along.

But isn't that what counselling is for? Or seeing your doctor to make sure there's no medical cause first?

Why are people so unwilling to make such a small effort when it becomes very obvious to them how unhappy it is making their spouse?

There are some wonderfully thoughtful posts on here.
Psycho.. I feel for you and understand what you are going through. The self esteem issue with you is because of the lack of physical love and affection... well, it was with me anyway. We all know how wonderful we feel after a rewarding wonderful shag... you feel like you could conquer the world.

And Expat.. you are so perceptive. It is a betrayal of the marriage vows. It certainly wasn't what I signed up to, just like your mum's friend.

I can't believe Lazyanna has deliberately signed her DH up for this situation... has he asked her to go for help I wonder? Cos he should. Its not fair to him, as it isn't fair for me.

I have always suffered from low self esteem so can't blame it completely on DP. Taken antidepressents on and off for years cause of it (currently on but weaning off slowly).

I associate sex with love. If he doesn't fancy me enough to want to have sex with me, how can he love me enough to want to be with me?

And like earlier posts have said, I KNOW he had a sex drive before me moved in together, casue I KNOW he used to watch porn all the time. (I can't do the watching porn together thing cause I would compare myself physically to the women on screen and want to top myself probably!). He claims that he has left all his porn in his mothers loft and doesn't watch it anymore cause he knows how I feel about it.

So then is living with me enough to kill his sex drive completely? Or is he lying and still watching porn? Or is he getting it elsewhere??? (Really don't think he has time to be having an affair but then who ever thinks their DP does?).

Am completely at my wits end and we have argues about it SO many times but still nothing changes!

And also like others have said. We get on so well in other ways and I have two gorgeous kids (one from previous partner) and a nice house, and now childminding finally taken off money is not so much of an issue anymore! So do I just accept that sex isn't going to be a big part of our relationship.

Had a long distance thing before moving in together and the sex was great then! Maybe I am only bearable in very small doses!

Psycho... poor you. I do understand what you are saying.
I also associate sex with love.... when sex is not forthcoming, your mind switches into overtime. I just could not begin to imagine why my DH would not want to make love to me. Its what normal couples do... right? The trouble is, it has a ripple effect and begins to affect so many other parts of your life.
When your self esteem is low (and mine was rock bottom cos of it)... you just cannot let it go. 'He must find me revolting'... 'am I that horrible a person that he can't make love to his own wife'... etc.
I wish I could help

And I remember my honeymoon night... 3 or 4 times. Never repeated again so I know what you mean. I then imagined that night was just a facade... if he could do it like that then... why not just once now?

I'm sure this is not a very politically correct answer but if you dieted and exercised down to size 10 may be that might improve things or buy some better porn or whatever you both enjoy.

My mom met her lover at church.

OMG, I meant my mom's pal! That's what I get for typing standing up whilst on the phone.

Xenia... I lost 4 stone.. did exactly that.. it didn't make a blind bit of difference to me, I'm afraid.

Well, expat... prhaps I need to get meself religion then....!

I don't think size has much if anything to do with it, tbh, unless the spouse or partner has gained or lost A LOT of weight.

Some folks just lose sex drive and don't seem to be bothered how that may affect their spouse or partner.

She didn't mean to meet him at all, here, she just got involved w/her church more to try to take her mind off her husband's never wanting sex or physical affection.

And over time grew to know this man through chorus, committees, etc.

It sort of went from there.

Yes, expat... you are right. It was good for me to lose the weight because it gave me a more positive outlook on life. But the weight had only crept on very slowly and it made no difference then.
As you say, the sex drive disappeared totally... and although DH knows how it affected me then... I don't think he realises how much it affects me still cos it is the Great Unspoken Subject That Shall Not be Mentioned, unfortunately

I know, expat... I'm sure church is not the obv place to go and meet someone. These things creep up on you in the most unlikely places. Good on her, I say. I hope it brings her the happiness she sounds like she deserves

She has been with him for 23 years now.

Both their spouses are still alive. Now that her children - and his - are grown, however, they are considering divorcing their respective spouses.

Blimey... what.. divorcing and getting together?
That sounds lovely actually... all those years of waiting and wanting. What sort of age are they, if you dont mind me asking?

And do the respective spouses know? Just interested... not being nosy

I don't know, here.

All her women friends know.

She's far from alone among them, too .

My mother has loads of long-time friends.

Her husband is really nice, but he just went off sex completely and thinks it's utterly unimportant.

FWIW, she's very fit for her age (late 50s) and attractive.