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Original poster

Can a sexless marriage really 'work'?

251 replies

HampshireHog · 12/04/2007 20:04

I'm a regular on here but have changed my name for this one. Have been married for eight years and together with my husband for ten. We have two young children. Since I got pregnant with my first child about five years ago, he has really gone off sex. I can count on one hand (truly)how many times we have had sex in the past five years, so much so that when I got pregnant with my second child, I knew exactly when, where and how it happened. We are reasonably happily married, have a good life, good health, enough money etc but we don't have sex. I would like sex and I know he wanks - a lot. We do not sleep in the same room let alone the same bed - he has huge problems getting to sleep and then if he is woken up finds it very difficult to get back off again. I know I have let myself 'go' over the years but he says this is not a problem though he would like it if I lost some weight. I'm no oil painting but he is not Brad Pitt so no real problems there. I want sex though. I'm in my mid thirties and although we are reasonably happy together I do not want to spend the rest of my life like this. Has anyone else got experience of a sexless marriage. How do you cope with it?

OP posts:
hereiam · 17/04/2007 15:46

my sentiments exactly expat. I also know of someone in these circs... if they won't get help, won't discuss it (except to say do it my way) what can be expected?

expatinscotland · 17/04/2007 15:48

And it's more common than you think, here.

But no less painful for those involved.

One of her good friends, too. A really lovely woman.

She's had a lover for 23 years now.

His wife also withholds all physical affection.

She just refused full out to see or do anything about it, as did my mom's friend's husband.

It was just like, 'K, I'm done, so you will be, too.'

hereiam · 17/04/2007 15:54

that is sooo unfair. And that is what I feel about my position.... to be sentenced to the rest of your life without sex/lovemaking... whatever you like to call it... is a life sentence.. Lazyanna obv doesn't see it like that, but I do.

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 16:09

Lazyanna disappears from threads once she is challenged about her stance.At the end of the day it's all been said before..if you're both happy without then fine..if not and you love and care for your partner you have to stop denying them. ( Even if that means permitting an open relationship of sorts)

hereiam · 17/04/2007 16:14

Pls don't say she has disappeared... i really want to know if this was agreed before she got married.

expatinscotland · 17/04/2007 16:16

According to her past posts, here, no, it was not agreed before their marriage.

Can you imagine anyone agreeing to that?

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 16:17

Did anyone notice that I quted her in 2006 saying she was worried that her DH did not want sex?

expatinscotland · 17/04/2007 16:20

I missed that, mum!

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 16:22

I can't do links..but did find a thread where she twice made comment that she worried about her Dh's lack of wanting it...

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 16:28

If her messages are some kind of 'reverse situation to guage response' type of thing them she deserves our sympathy.

hereiam · 17/04/2007 16:34

God, yes. if that was the case mumtogirls... I totally agree... she would have every sympathy fromm me.

If the situation is in reverse, I'm afraid my sympathy is shot to pieces ATM

mumto3girls · 17/04/2007 16:36

I haven't actually spoken to you Hereiam..but I'm sorry you're feeling so upset at the moment.

hereiam · 17/04/2007 16:37

Thank you Mum. thats kind of you. I am sounding bitter I know. You would think it would be a situation you get used to.. but you don't.. it gets worse and worse tbh

hereiam · 17/04/2007 16:39

Thank you Mum. thats kind of you. I am sounding bitter I know. You would think it would be a situation you get used to.. but you don't.. it gets worse and worse tbh

rebelmum1 · 17/04/2007 16:39

Is there any other kind?

hereiam · 17/04/2007 16:41

eh?

rebelmum1 · 17/04/2007 16:44

of marriage .. just being unduly cynical

expatinscotland · 17/04/2007 16:48

Well, there are plenty of people who are happily married, rebel and have healthy sex lives.

LiliAnjelika · 17/04/2007 17:52

Hi. Just quickly read through the thread. THought I was the only woman in the world with this problem.

I have been with DP for 10 years and for the last eight years or so sex has been a massive problem in our relationship. DP has a very low sex drive, and our sex life is very limited, so much so that when I wanted children, we opted for artificial insemination on both occasions. I just couldn't take the stress of trying to seduce him.

For years, and until very recently, I was extremely resentful of him for making me feel this unattractive, unloved, stressed etc, and we discussed splitting up, affairs etc. THe problem was that everything else in our relationship was good, as many have pointed out. I should add that we tried everything: counselling, hypnotherapy, acupunture, chinese herbs, sensate focus....everything! NOthing worked.

BUt then, very recently, things started to change. I think, basically, its because I changed. I decided to accpet the situation and did a lot of work on this. I concentrated very very hard on dp's good points and gradually fell madly deeply in love with him again. It dawned on me that deep down, I had hated dp for withholding sex from me. My sexual advances and come-ons had become a form of aggression, a kind of 'don't you dare reject me again'. Obviosuly he sensed this. When I stopped feeling this way, I noticed that he became more affectionate, and sex soon followed.

It's obviously very very complicated and I still dont't know quite how things changed, but I was definitely in denial about how angry I was. I find lazyanna's posts very interesting in this respect. I think that the real problem in a relationship may actually be the reverse of what you sometimes think?

PS: Pornography helps us a bit too. DP responds to visual cues, and I found that, even during our darkest days, it was the only thing that sometimes worked...

hereiam · 17/04/2007 18:05

Lilianjelika.. interesting to read your story. I think I am at your 'angry' stage and have been for a long time... and can't move on from that. As you will agree, I am sure, it affects every aspect of your life.. and I think that this problem has made my love for my DH die a tiny bit every day. I feel so bad about that... but I resent the situation so much.

I am in awe of you turning it round... especially after having tried so very many things. (fancy sensate focus.. whatever that is!)

LiliAnjelika · 17/04/2007 18:36

Hereiam, I identify with everything you've written. I don't quite know what happened as I say, but I do know that my love for dp had turned to something else during the whole time we weren't having sex. A lot of the time I would try to seduce him in order to try and prove to myself that I was still sexy, not because I truly wanted sex with him. He knew the difference.

Having just read last post, I know I made it sound simple, but it was very very hard. A lot of my resentment was complicated by my desire for a second child and once I got pregnant, thanks to insemination (!), I was relieved that at least the burden of that was out of the way. It made it easier to work on my feelings. (I"m still only 16 wks pregnant so this is a very very recent change in dynamic and I'm not sure it will last). Every day I have to work on loving my partner. He is an absolutely amazing dad and I love this about him. When he's with my dd, I just want to shag him senseless.

Anger, yes, I still get it. BUt I do think that a lot of it was anger with myself for the self-deception I was engaged in. I was just so frightened of ending the relationship /the relationships ending that I couldn't face questioning my feelings, in case I discovered how I really felt. Does this make sense?

Sensate focus by the way is the training course provided by Relate, the one where you're banned from sex. Others in the thread have talked about it.

Now off to make tea but have so much more to say. Will post back when tea is done!

psychobitch · 17/04/2007 19:04

Ok, was about to start a thread about how often people have sex when i saw this one.

Me and DP currently have sex about once a week (although has now been two weeks this time despite me mentioning it plenty of times), which is no where near enough in my opinion.

He had a vasectomy two months ago and had to take a specimen in today. I swear to god the second I left for school with the kids he was at it. I left at 8:30am and he was parking outside the hospital at 9:06 (ticket was still in car, hospital is 15 mins drive away). He must have been so frustrated for it all to be over so quickly surely???

And if he is so frustrated then why the hell does he not want me? Really do think it must just be how I look cause I know he used to watch porn all the time before we moved in together (18 months ago)! Not he barely goes near me.

Not even as though we have been together ages and it slowly wore off. Wondering what the hell he is doing with me if I am so god damned repulsive.

Sorry, didn't mean to attempt a hi jack on this post.

Really do feel for you HampshireHog! We are no where near in your position and I am finding it increasingly more difficult to deal with.

hereiam · 17/04/2007 19:22

phsychobitch... please believe me... I am not belittling yr situation but I would cut my right arm off for once a week. But of course, it is how it affects you, your self esteem, your self worth and your marriage. Everyone is different.

And psycho... I think you are saying that if the suspicion is planted in your mind that yr husband doesn't fancy you... that suspicion won't go away. hence, you being suspicious of why he rushes to the hospital.

Lilianjelika... i do know what you mean. Once my DH had performed his duty providing son and heirs (DDs actually!), that was it. He didnt want to do it anymore. The obligation was gone I spose. I just wish I had known this before we married. I did not have a clue.

hereiam · 17/04/2007 19:25

And if you have hijacked I have really hijacked, but havent seen Hampshirehog for a while!

psychobitch · 17/04/2007 19:33

Will try to read more of the post when I get chance! Sorry

Just upset about everything cause sex is the one thing we really argue about. Which I always start cause he doesn't seem bothered by our lack of sex life, which always makes me think he is getting it elsewhere, or that he wanks everytime I leave the house, or go to bed early!