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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I just need to say it out loud.

142 replies

FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 15:48

I don’t really think anyone will be able to do much about what happened, I just think it will feel better to speak and acknowledge what happened so I can process it.

My H and I separated about 6 months ago, during my pregnancy. I found out he had slept with someone and been chatting with her for a long time.

We have been working through things, and he recently moved in with me again. We have been sharing a room again very recently, but haven’t been having sex.

He went out for drinks last night, and was obviously very drunk when he got home at around 2/3am. I had been asleep for a while and woke up when he penetrated me in my sleep.

I woke up pretty immediately, because it hurt. He had just sort of slammed in, and has caused a tear. He stopped as soon as I woke up and asked him what he was doing. He rolled off me and just went to sleep.

He doesn’t remember anything today, but says he’s sorry if he did anything inappropriate.

I don’t know why, but I just feel very uneasy about what happened. A bit shocked and not sure where this leaves us. He says he doesn’t remember it, it was obviously a drunken instinct, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, if anything, about it.

I just sort of wanted to say out loud what had happened as I found a lot of support here when I first found out about his cheating.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2017 15:52

Raping someone is not a "drunken instict." He raped you and I am so very sorry. Get him the hell out of your home and please get help with this.

Nancy91 · 22/10/2017 15:52

Do you believe him that he was asleep?

Annoyed5678 · 22/10/2017 15:53

He's saying he doesn't remember as an excuse of course he knows he raped you I'm sorry you need to phone rape crisis after you've called women's aid and got the hell out of there. Good luck

Nancy91 · 22/10/2017 15:54

Sorry I think I misunderstood and thought he had fallen asleep drunk and then done this.

You don't get to rape people just because you've had a drink!!

Have you told anyone in real life?

Flowers
Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 15:56

I actually do believe he was drunk and horny and was acting on instinct rather than he got home and thought it would be a good idea to try and have sex with me. So I don’t think or feel like he raped me.

I just feel out of sorts about it. It’s not something that has ever happened before, and we have been together since we were teens.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/10/2017 15:56

That is rape. Sorry.

Annoyed5678 · 22/10/2017 15:59

OP he knows you don't have sex with him so is no instinct, your trying to block it out by making it seem innocent this isn't I'm afraid, its rape and you need to keep yourself safe along with any children you have

strongasmeringue · 22/10/2017 16:00

I'm really sorry but he 100% remembers what he did. He thinks if he says he has no idea what happened he can get away with it.

Drunken instinct does not exist.

I won't call it rape, when I was 17-18 I woke up to find my boyfriend attempting to/ having sex with me, as I don't know if it was and if it was then it happened to me too and...

Serious words need to be had. It's all about how you feel now and how he is with you. If he won't discuss it and gets angry then I'd be making him go permanently but if he accepts he did something really wrong and is willing to do whatever you need and want then maybe he could stay in the spare room only.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 16:04

He took the kids out earlier, and has just sort of left me too it, which I think is good.

I just don’t know why he would risk the progress we’ve made by doing something so stupid, intentionally. That’s I suppose the reason I think when he says he didn’t realise, I sort of believe him.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/10/2017 16:04

I actually do believe he was drunk and horny and was acting on instinct

What does that even mean? Confused

If you’re drunk and horny you sort yourself out the old fashioned way. You don’t penetrate your wife when she’s asleep and physically hurt her.

I understand you brain doesn’t want to take you to that place, but if he doesn’t acknowledge what he’s done what’s to stop him doing it again?

I’m sorry OP. Sad

ProfessorSillyStuff · 22/10/2017 16:05

This is not good. Regardless of what has happened, he cheated on you before and the fact that he went out and got bladdered without you shows he hasn't changed.
You should get this man out of your life and out of your hair. If he can do something like that and blame it on alcohol it will also be alcohol's fault if he goes with another woman again.
If he respected you he would never touch another drop in case something like that happened again.
I would not be able to even look at him. Does he actually seem concerned about your well-being?

My heart goes out to you. I hope you feel better soon and get some support!

Rainyboooooo · 22/10/2017 16:06

He needs to get out of your house. Now. There is no excuse for what he did.

tribpot · 22/10/2017 16:07

Do you need to have the injury looked at?

The fact that he is not horrified today by what has happened tells you everything you need to know. He says he’s sorry if he did anything inappropriate - if? He clearly doesn't believe you about what he did. Or perhaps he does but thought it was appropriate.

I don't see how you can ever trust him again.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 16:14

The going out and getting drunk thing didn’t much bother me at the time. His cheating wasn’t a drunken thing, it’s was probably worse in that it was conducted sober for months.

No issue with the drinking in and of itself, because he hasn’t been out in a long time.

I think he will be processing things when he’s out, and will hopefully have something helpful to say when he gets home.

I’m hoping the tear will just mend itself in a few days, because I definitely don’t want to go to my Gp with it.

OP posts:
PassiveAgressiveQueen · 22/10/2017 16:17

I definitely don’t want to go to my Gp with it. yes because that will make it real, for you to confront it, he got drunk and damaged you.

Hairgician · 22/10/2017 16:18

Sorry but where was your consent when he slammed it into you??

Yea, you didn't consent = rape. He knows it. Don't minimise this. And don't let him minimise it.

Vitalogy · 22/10/2017 16:21

Op, any decent man that did that in a drunken state would give up the drink. Has he suggested that? I can't see how you could ever trust him again otherwise.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 16:23

He left this morning after I spoke to him and he hasn’t been back.

I just feel like things were getting back on track somehow, and now I feel a bit confused.

OP posts:
strongasmeringue · 22/10/2017 16:23

Are you still pregnant or have you had the baby?

ButchyRestingFace · 22/10/2017 16:25

I definitely don’t want to go to my Gp with it.

Why is that?

What do you imagine your GP will say to you when you tell them the bit?

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 16:26

Baby is six months old tomorrow. I was very pregnant when I found out he’d slept with someone else and we separated before baby was born.

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/10/2017 16:26

I definitely don’t want to go to my Gp with it

Your GP will not be obliged to report it, what you say will be treated in confidence. If you want to, you can say it happened during consensual sex. (Which it certainly did not). Btw I assume you are not still pregnant - you separated 6 months ago and you were pregnant then, but I assume you have given birth in the meantime?

strongasmeringue · 22/10/2017 16:27

I'm so sorry

Gazelda · 22/10/2017 16:27

Can I ask what you feel ‘a bit confused’ about? Are you confused why he did this and has jeopardised a reconciliation? Are you confused why were all referring to it as rape? Confused about your future? Confused about why he’d attempt sex when it’s something you’ve (presumably) agreed to put your n hold for the moment? Confused about whether you should have agreed to reconcile?
I’m sorry if my questions come across harshly. I hope you can talk to someone in RL. Someone who can convince you to seek medical support and can make you realise that you deserve better than to be considering pursuing a relationship with someone who has abused you like this.

tribpot · 22/10/2017 16:27

Sorry cross-posted with you.