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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I just need to say it out loud.

142 replies

FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 15:48

I don’t really think anyone will be able to do much about what happened, I just think it will feel better to speak and acknowledge what happened so I can process it.

My H and I separated about 6 months ago, during my pregnancy. I found out he had slept with someone and been chatting with her for a long time.

We have been working through things, and he recently moved in with me again. We have been sharing a room again very recently, but haven’t been having sex.

He went out for drinks last night, and was obviously very drunk when he got home at around 2/3am. I had been asleep for a while and woke up when he penetrated me in my sleep.

I woke up pretty immediately, because it hurt. He had just sort of slammed in, and has caused a tear. He stopped as soon as I woke up and asked him what he was doing. He rolled off me and just went to sleep.

He doesn’t remember anything today, but says he’s sorry if he did anything inappropriate.

I don’t know why, but I just feel very uneasy about what happened. A bit shocked and not sure where this leaves us. He says he doesn’t remember it, it was obviously a drunken instinct, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, if anything, about it.

I just sort of wanted to say out loud what had happened as I found a lot of support here when I first found out about his cheating.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/10/2017 21:56

You didn't make a mistake

NoCanoe · 22/10/2017 23:15

Take time to process this thread. You'll get there. Like others, I'm so sorry for you.
But yes, you are minimising it. But that too is your choice.

Joysmum · 22/10/2017 23:32

You haven’t caused a fuss.

How often do all the responses on a thread all day exactly the same thing? You were raped as you didn’t give consent. Sex without consent is rape. It’s a lot to face up to but I hope you will Flowers

UnicornSparkles1 · 22/10/2017 23:44

Lovely lady, your husband raped you last night. And I'm so sorry for you.

You were asleep, unable to consent, and he violently penetrated you and caused you damage and pain. He raped you, and you mustn't make excuses or minimise that.

Take care, and know we're here if and when you want to talk x

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 23/10/2017 02:14

I know you don’t want to admit it was Rape but I think you know it was. You know what you have to do. You have to call Police and the sooner you do it, the better. You can’t put it off forever.

Isetan · 23/10/2017 07:52

I get it, you don’t want it to be rape but by its legal definition that’s exactly what it was and you feel uncomfortable because deep down despite the rationalisations you know it was.

He was a shit to you in the past and he’s even shittier now, you don’t need a crystal ball to suggest he will be shit in the future. The question isn’t why is he a shit who has now graduated to rape?’ but rather ‘why do I keep making excuses for this poor excuse for a human’?

If you have a daughter, can you imagine telling her that a man being within close proximity, horny and drunk was acting on instinct when he forcibly penetrated her without her consent? I hope your answer would be no.

It is your prerogative to ‘get past this —sweep it under the carpet—‘ if you want and denial can be a very attractive coping mechanism but it can’t change history and I doubt that continuing to sleep next to your rapist will help your MH much.

I’m sorry this has happened to you and by someone who supposed to love and care for you but it has and you can’t go back in time.

Bekabeech · 23/10/2017 08:28

If you are not sure it is rape - then go back to the cup of tea.

Would you force a cup of tea on a sleeping person?

cakecakecheese · 23/10/2017 08:34

I think you might be in shock, that's why you feel confused. Give yourself some time but like previous posters have said you can't just sweep this under the carpet, you've been raped and quite violently at that, I know you don't want to report it but I would urge you to talk to Rape Crisis or similar, as I think you need to talk this over with someone trained to talk about such things.

WetsTheVet · 23/10/2017 08:34

Hello? Is this thing on? Are you reading what people are saying OP? Please recognise that this was rape

Tuileries · 23/10/2017 08:53

It must feel overwhelming to hear all this, OP. Take care of yourself. Please keep a link to this thread somewhere safe so that you can read it again in six days/weeks/months down the line.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 23/10/2017 09:45

I'm sorry if it seems like i'm not listening, I am. I'm not oblivious to the concept of rape or to rape culture. I'm actually laughably aware of all these things due to the work I do. I just don't think it was his intention to rape me, and regardless of the legal definitions, I do not feel like I was raped. That's just how I feel, and I don't want anyone to feel like I am minimising their experiences by saying that, it's just how I feel about the situation. I don't think calling it rape will be helpful for me and it is pretty apparent my marriage is completely over despite our best efforts, so there is no sense in my labouring the point with him.

I am confident that he is not a danger to our children, and I am confident that he is not a danger to me or other women. I have no explanation for what happened, it was bizarre and, on reflection, quite scary but I don't think he is a rapist, and I don't think he has spent 15 years waiting to rape me.

I am working from home today so i can stay with the baby rather than him, but I think i'm just being overly anxious and protective for no reason. Going to see my GP this afternoon to get my second sti test of the year and to have the tears looked at, which i find a bit mortifying.

Sorry again if this has upset people, I know I am probably coming off as a complete idiot, but I trust myself to make sense of this and to do whatever is necessary to protect the little ones.

Thanks again for everyone who has taken time to help.

OP posts:
catbasilio · 23/10/2017 10:07

I don't know, my view is different but I would not call it a rape, though such behaviour wouldn't be acceptable. For one thing OP I would be rethinking the future relationship with this person. From my experience someone who feels "entitled" to have sex with his OH, doesn't respect their OH enough.. I had similar experience with my exH. He would try on every day without a fail with me. He would also try other avenues, whoever he could find at the same time. He resorted to buying "massages" in the end. Superficially my ex looks very respectable and presentable, but in my book he does not respect women enough to treat them well. It takes a real man to respect you and wait for you until you ready. And be sensitive enough to your needs. Good luck OP.

AnyFucker · 23/10/2017 10:19

This is your life, op and you must deal with it in your own way

Whatever you call what he did, you know it is not right

If you don't want to take further action that is fine. It's what works for you

I hope you have taken some strength by the level.of concern on your behalf, if nothing else

Good luck at the GP and moving forward x

BriechonCheese · 23/10/2017 10:22

Good luck at the GP.
I know posting on here about something so sensitive is difficult, it really is.

Bekabeech · 23/10/2017 10:40

I would just ask you keep this thread. Because if you work where: "I'm actually laughably aware of all these things due to the work I do". Maybe your reactions to what has happened to you will create better understanding of others feelings and reactions in the future.

picklemepopcorn · 23/10/2017 11:50

Good luck at the GP. Whatever you call it, I’m glad you have realised your relationship is over.

You may feel differently in time. For now, it’s enough to know that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who disrespects you to this extent.

tribpot · 23/10/2017 11:58

I'm glad you're getting medical attention, OP. Right now that is the most important thing for you to do.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 23/10/2017 12:29

I just feel so stupid.

OP posts:
NewBrian · 23/10/2017 12:44

I knew someone for decades before they sexually assaulted me, I don’t think they spent all that time wanting to do it either. My ex did what you describe and I wouldn’t think of it as rape at the time either OP. Think of it like this, if he had sex with another woman while she was asleep would you believe she was raped or think he was just ‘drunkenly horny’? I feel for you and you have to come to terms with it in your own time but yes, he has sex without consent so he’s a rapist. You haven’t been having sex with him so he did it anyway, vile man. Flowers

strongasmeringue · 23/10/2017 13:08

You've nothing to feel stupid about. Of course you didn't immediately think I've been raped. He's the man you love and he's promised to care for you for ever. You've had children with him. You trusted him enough to have children and marry him.

It's hard to see the man you love in a new light. Twice fairly recently I told dh to stop and he didn't. It really shook me. We talked about it and we both understand each other's understanding and feeling of the situation and we are both okay now. I wasn't raped in that scenario. I'm sorry for you FW but you were. Your husband felt your body was his to take what he wanted SadAngry.

When I was seventeen I woke to find my boyfriend having sex with me. I knew it was wrong but I loved him and didn't want to deal with it. A couple of year ago I mentioned it to him and he says he can't remember. I didn't push it but he knows my feelings on the matter.

Tuileries · 23/10/2017 13:18

Why do you feel stupid?

Also, you said something about your line of work. What would you say if a woman came up to you and told you that this had happened to her?

Bambamrubblesmum · 23/10/2017 13:35

Sorry if this is inappropriate but was it your husband who was talking to the woman via online gaming site and started an affair with her whilst you were heavily pregnant?

If it is then you're going back into your same pattern of minimising the situation again. You're in a profession where you deal with these things they don't happen to you. But you see they have. It's scary to face but this man isn't who you thought he was.

If your not that OP then I'm sorry.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 23/10/2017 13:43

I’m on the other side of things at work, so it’s not quite the same thing. If someone described the same scenario to me and thought they had been raped I would agree they had been raped. For me, it wasn’t a rape. I’m not saying he behaved appropriately, but I don’t think he raped me or tried too, I think he was drunk, and he did something out of character. He needs to get some help for that.

It’s not that I don’t think rape happens, or that in different circumstances what happened with me would be rape, it’s just not how I feel about this is all.

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 23/10/2017 13:55

You've made so many excuses for him even though his behaviour has been atrocious over the last year. If you don't mind me saying you've been with him such a long time, since you were young i believe, your boundaries on healthy relationships are all over the place.

Take your work head off and stop rationalizing and minimising the situation. Find your anger. He cheated on you. He has raped you. He has damaged your body. How much more does he have to do before you open your eyes?

He's not a safe person to be around either physically or emotionally. Please look after yourself Flowers

ZippyCameBack · 23/10/2017 13:57

I've been where you are. It took me two or three days to call it what it was, and three days after that to stop crying. A few months later, I was woken up by him punching me. He claimed that he was asleep then too. He was oddly able to only punch my stomach though, and not mark me anywhere where it could be seen.

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