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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I just need to say it out loud.

142 replies

FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 15:48

I don’t really think anyone will be able to do much about what happened, I just think it will feel better to speak and acknowledge what happened so I can process it.

My H and I separated about 6 months ago, during my pregnancy. I found out he had slept with someone and been chatting with her for a long time.

We have been working through things, and he recently moved in with me again. We have been sharing a room again very recently, but haven’t been having sex.

He went out for drinks last night, and was obviously very drunk when he got home at around 2/3am. I had been asleep for a while and woke up when he penetrated me in my sleep.

I woke up pretty immediately, because it hurt. He had just sort of slammed in, and has caused a tear. He stopped as soon as I woke up and asked him what he was doing. He rolled off me and just went to sleep.

He doesn’t remember anything today, but says he’s sorry if he did anything inappropriate.

I don’t know why, but I just feel very uneasy about what happened. A bit shocked and not sure where this leaves us. He says he doesn’t remember it, it was obviously a drunken instinct, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, if anything, about it.

I just sort of wanted to say out loud what had happened as I found a lot of support here when I first found out about his cheating.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/10/2017 18:14

I feel a bit anxious for "whatever reason" ....

VioletCharlotte · 22/10/2017 18:19

My love, this really isn't ok. You're normalising it by saying he was just 'drunk and horny'...he tried to have sex with you without your consent, it's still rape.

This man has cheated on you, now this has happened. He's got no respect for you.

I know being on your own seems scary, but being with a man who treats you badly is so much worse, for both you and your children.

Aminuts23 · 22/10/2017 18:27

OP I agree with others. I’m so sorry. He’s raped you and he’s physically injured you too. You can’t make excuses for it. Him being drunk is not a reason for this. He’s a danger to you. He needs to leave. This is absolutely not ok. People do/say things they don’t mean when in drink. They do not rape people. This is sexual violence and he’s committed this crime against you. I hope you can get some RL support but get him out of your home

ProfessorSillyStuff · 22/10/2017 18:28

May I ask how long you have known him? I ask because I do believe it's possible for downright evil people to pretend to be nice for up to 5 years or so, if they need to, for narcissistic supply for example.

If you live in the UK like me it's starting to get dark out. How long have they been out for? Have you heard from him/them? X

TammyswansonTwo · 22/10/2017 18:53

It's not evil people vs good people - that's not real life. People are multifaceted, it's not always an evil person hiding who they are - often it's a selfish prick who doesn't care whether he hurts someone he's supposed to love because he wants what he wants.

The fact that we think about it in such black and white terms is why the OP is having such difficulty understanding that she was raped - because in her mind she can think of all the good and decent things about him, remember all the times he was caring and supportive, the fact he's never done this before. This is why so few men would ever think they've assaulted anyone, and so many women are coming forward saying they've been assaulted. For many of them it takes them years to understand that this is what happened to them. These crimes are rarely ever reported. I don't believe for a second that her partner is a closet rapist who has just been biding his time and waiting - he's a guy who prioritised his dick over his wife's wellbeing. These men are absolute scum but this is more common than most people realise. It happens all the time and by perpetuating the predator vs good guy myth, they get away with it almost every time.

OP. I know you're confused, I know you're in pain, I know you are scared of him coming home and you don't really understand why. Please get your injury checked out and talk to rape crisis. Aside from the abuse I mentioned by my father, I've been raped by one partner and assaulted by three others. It took me a long time to really accept this (as in years). It's affected my mental health, my marriage, delayed me having children as I was too terrified of labour. You don't have to process all of this right now, the most important thing is that you protect yourself and your children. I know you think he wouldn't hurt them, no one ever thinks that. I'm sure you thought he wouldn't hurt you but here you are. There may come a time soon when you realise that your kids are not safe with them, or there may not, but you need a record of this event. Go to your doctor or a sexual health clinic and get checked out. Have it logged somewhere. You need to make it clear to him that he's hurt you and there's no way you could have consented because you were asleep. You need to make sure he's not in a position to do that to you again.

Drinking is not an excuse - have you ever been so drunk you've assaulted him? Do you lose all sense of right and wrong when you're drunk? Of course not. Please, please protect yourself. Whether you can fully accept it now or not, you are not safe with him. I know you know this deep down, that's why you feel anxious. Your brain is processing the feelings of being traumatised and violated even if you're not conscious of this. I've been there and I understand. Sending lots of love.

Sloptart · 22/10/2017 18:53

Sorry that this happened op. Could it be this though?

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex

Desmondo2016 · 22/10/2017 18:58

He would not have torn you if he drunkenly nudged it up against you whilst sleepy and horny as you described. To tèar you he would have had to use some force to penetrate you which he simply would not have been able to-do unless he was concious and the act was deliberate.

Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 19:03

Please don't give her more reasons to excuse his behaviour @sloptart

Joysmum · 22/10/2017 19:06

Its actually pretty common for people who have been taped by a partner not to face up to the fact that this is what has happened.

If we’ve been taped then we’ve been a victim. We’ve not seen what our partner was capable of and so feel feel more vulnerable in future because we can’t trust our judgement. If we’ve been taped then our kids have a rapist as a father and the bottom falls out of their world too.

It’s no wonder we minimise or try to explain away what happened.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 22/10/2017 19:23

Sloptart he knew exactly what he had done, that's why he said that he hoped he wasn't 'being inappropriate'!

Op I get an awful feeling with this! This man knows exactly what he has done, he knows he has raped you, he knows he hurt you badly! He hasn't apologised he has got up and pretty much pretended nothing happened!
I bet you look in shock, you look traumatised! He has ignored that and taken your children out for the day!

If you don't discuss this, then he might walk in and pretend it never happened. Until the next time he is drunk anyway....

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 22/10/2017 19:25

Not to mention that he can't have been that drunk if he could get up and take your children out today!!!

Annoyed5678 · 22/10/2017 19:37

Similar happened to me 3 times about 2 years ago, i woke up twice in the morning and felt his cum inside me he made out I was off my head to even think it was his cum, pushed it to back of my mind then 3rd time he was creepy that night asking to spoon with me being all lovely trying to cuddle me off to sleep I couldn't but just laid there pretending I was asleep, he tried to penetrate me I pushed him out of the bed and out of my life don't minimise this, it'll keep happening only now do I accept I was raped. Leave him for sake of yourself and baby

BriechonCheese · 22/10/2017 19:43

OP, what happened is a lot to take in. He has sexually assaulted you, rape.

You need to 1.) have the tears looked at - these kinds of wounds can become infected quickly. 2.) You need to ask for an STI test - many GP surgeries have these available free at reception.

If you are in the Manchester area and need someone to go to the doctor with you, then I'm there.

Original poster

FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 20:33

If I thought my kids were in danger at all believe me I would have been long gone with them.

He wanted to leave the kids with his parents and come home for us to talk because he thought I was being a bit off this morning, but I asked him to bring them home, which he did. Kids are completely safe, I wouldn’t let them be in a bad situation. Honestly.

I’ll work it out.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/10/2017 20:37

I don't think your kids are in danger

But you are

Original poster

FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 20:38

I’ll be totally fine. Sorry to have stirred up a fuss. I feel much calmer now the kids are home

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/10/2017 20:42

You are going to press on with this "reconciliation" then ?

TammyswansonTwo · 22/10/2017 20:42

He "thought you were a bit off"? Err, funny that, since he raped and injured you. The absolute nerve of this guy.

You haven't stirred up a fuss. I know you don't see it yet but you will. I hope you're right about the kids, I really do. Unfortunately you're not likely to see that coming either. You are not safe with him though, if you let him get away with this he will do it again. Please take care of yourself.

Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 20:53

Take your time if need be OP but what is now known cannot be unknown.

tribpot · 22/10/2017 20:54

I’ll work it out.

How? I mean really, how? How are you going to work it out? This was done to you, OP. You didn't cause it, and you can't prevent it from happening again if he remains in your home.

Please think of yourself and what's best for you.

FritzDonovan · 22/10/2017 21:26

just don’t know why he would risk the progress we’ve made by doing something so stupid, intentionally
But he intentionally put everything at risk by messing around before.

picklemepopcorn · 22/10/2017 21:32

Ah, sweetheart. I hope you are ok. It’s a shit thing to have happened- you haven’t stirred up a fuss, you have reached out for help to process something awful.

AdalindSchade · 22/10/2017 21:38

He was drunk and acting on instinct?
His instinct is to rape his wife?

Original poster

FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 21:52

I think I possibly made a mistake posting here. Thanks to everyone who has listened. I promise my kids are safe. Sorry to have caused a fuss.

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 22/10/2017 21:56

No fuss.
Just walk away from this thread for now. Post again another day.

It must feel very overwhelming.

Do please get medical advice, though. You really should.

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