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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I just need to say it out loud.

142 replies

FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 15:48

I don’t really think anyone will be able to do much about what happened, I just think it will feel better to speak and acknowledge what happened so I can process it.

My H and I separated about 6 months ago, during my pregnancy. I found out he had slept with someone and been chatting with her for a long time.

We have been working through things, and he recently moved in with me again. We have been sharing a room again very recently, but haven’t been having sex.

He went out for drinks last night, and was obviously very drunk when he got home at around 2/3am. I had been asleep for a while and woke up when he penetrated me in my sleep.

I woke up pretty immediately, because it hurt. He had just sort of slammed in, and has caused a tear. He stopped as soon as I woke up and asked him what he was doing. He rolled off me and just went to sleep.

He doesn’t remember anything today, but says he’s sorry if he did anything inappropriate.

I don’t know why, but I just feel very uneasy about what happened. A bit shocked and not sure where this leaves us. He says he doesn’t remember it, it was obviously a drunken instinct, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, if anything, about it.

I just sort of wanted to say out loud what had happened as I found a lot of support here when I first found out about his cheating.

OP posts:
Tuileries · 23/10/2017 14:35

Why is it always men who have these 'problems' while they're asleep? Hmm Angry

tribpot · 23/10/2017 14:42

I don’t think he raped me or tried to, I think he was drunk, and he did something out of character

You realise it can be all three, of course? The drunkenness and out-of-character may be factors in what happened but it's not necessarily either-or.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 23/10/2017 16:08

Whatever it was or wasn't it is done now. My GP made a record of what happened and he offered to refer me on, gave me lots of leaflets and sorted my little injury out. Sti test has been done, but I'm not vastly worried about it since I had one so recently and as far as I know he hasn't continued to dip his wick elsewhere.

I've told him he can't live with us anymore. He is "confused" by my sudden change of heart as we had previously been trying to salvage something. I don't think he has acknowledged to himself that what happened was not good. He sent me flowers and said his parents had offered to have the kids if we wanted to have dinner tonight.

I feel like I am living in the twilight zone, where our experiences in the last two days have been completely different. His reality is just not the same as mine.

Thanks again for everyone who is taking the time to offer support, I know I am frustrating some of you to a degree.

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 23/10/2017 16:14

You're not frustrating. You are trying to deal with a serious amount of shit and sometimes only tough talking cuts through all the noise.

You are a strong, independent amazing woman and I'd be proud have you represent me Wink just be your own best friend and let him go. Burn the boats and don't look back. Flowers

Be11aRoc · 23/10/2017 16:18

I’m sorry but this rape.
Even if you were in an intimate relationship with him it would not make a difference.
Instinct? He is an adult not an animal.
Please don’t think this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship x

Cambionome · 23/10/2017 16:31

Have you told him clearly what happened (as he "doesn't remember"), how you tore, had the horrible experience of having to see your gp about it, have had to have another sti test... don't minimise what you've been through because of his behaviour. It might not make any difference to your own relationship with him but might help another woman in the future.

Cambionome · 23/10/2017 16:33

Actually might also help you when he feels entitled to tell everyone how you -totally unreasonably (!) - walked away from your relationship without putting much effort in...

Tuileries · 23/10/2017 16:36

Well done Flowers

Jaxhog · 23/10/2017 16:37

It isn't 'inappropriate' , it's rape. Chuck him out immediately and go see your GP. He doesn't deserve any consideration, and you need to be sure that any damage is treated.

tribpot · 23/10/2017 17:29

Jaxhog, the OP has done both of those things.

IrritatedUser1960 · 23/10/2017 17:33

Oh really, he doesn't remember? Bollocks, if he was in such a state that he didn't remember he would not have been abkle to get an erection, go to the police, get an examination and get an injunction against the lousy shit.
You do know things will only get worse from here don't you?

BriechonCheese · 23/10/2017 17:41

OP, firstly going to the doctor was brave in itself but I am so glad you went.
I am so pleased you asked him to leave. It's a huge leap to make, it's terrifying but you did it. He is a rapist, you are doing the right thing in removing him from your home.

Do you have friends and family locally? Are you still on maternity leave?

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 23/10/2017 18:02

Unfortunately I've been back at work since the end of August and don't have much flexibility at the minute. My parents in law are relatively close by and my FIL has been very supportive of us all in the last few months. Going to phone my Brother later and see if he and his wife fancy a trip to ours when they are off over half term.

I know I must have come across as a sort of weak minded apologist, but I will do what it takes to keep everyone safe. I wouldn't risk my little family for the world. The kids are the ones who matter right now and working out how to extricate ourselves is the next challenge.

I think H probably needs to get some help to cope with the catastrophe that has been our life for the best part of the year. I'm just sad that I have made such stupid decisions that will have affected the kids. Daddy doesn't live with us anyone, now he does, now he doesn't. That's what I hate! I wasn't strong enough the just trust my instincts.

I will do better.

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 23/10/2017 18:39

I will do better. If we keep trying in life and keep on moving forward we're doing good. Good luck and best wishes, you deserve to feel happy and safe.

Apileofballyhoo · 23/10/2017 18:43

Feeling, you've done your best. I suppose the old 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them' comes to mind. Being pregnant, having a newborn plus other DC to look after, and working too - that alone is enough pressure for anyone, not to mind coping with his affair, your separation and reconciliation. On top of that, you have something else huge to process. You are not stupid. You made the decisions you did with the best intentions in a pressurised situation.

It's time to put yourself first now. Be a model of self-care and self-esteem for your DC. Flowers

picklemepopcorn · 23/10/2017 21:31

Well done.

It takes time to process these things, and you needed to know it was beyond repair. If you hadn’t, you may have felt guilty that you ended it.

"His reality is just not the same as mine. "Because he doesn’t see you as a real whole person with your own POV and rights

Well done. Stay strong.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 23/10/2017 21:36

He’s confused you’ve changed your mind? You need to spell out what he did (though of course he knows), preferably in writing so he can’t minimise or deny it and so that you have a record for anyone you might feel needs to know in future. If you can’t bring yourself to use the r-word, describe what happened: he penetrated you when you were sleeping and could not consent and used enough force to injure you.

I posted on your other threads, OP. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 24/10/2017 08:29

Oh Feeling, I too posted on your other threads. You have been incredibly strong and endured so much pain during what should have been one of your happiest years!!! I am so sorry he has behaved so disgracefully!!!

I realise that you don't feel able to label what happened as rape. However I think it is very important that you let your ex know that you know it was rape, that he violated your body and your trust! Let him know how painful it was and that he damaged you! Tell him you have had to endure intimate examination, procedure and tests because once again he has proven unable to keep his trousers up!

He needs to know this op! I am so glad that your g.p has recorded everything and repaired the physical damage. I hope that you are not in too much physical discomfort. I realise that sounds dreadful, I realise that there will be so much more to recover from... I do think that you need counselling in order to help guide you through this. Please remember that you are absolutely not to blame! Please do not allow him to guilt you into pretending nothing happened!!!

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 24/10/2017 11:52

I wrote him a letter last night to explain what happened from my point of view and i've explained all the reasons our marriage isn't going to work. I think whatever it was that happened scared the life out of me and that's probably not a feeling you want to associate with the love of your life.

We're back into packing him up and shipping him off to wherever he can find to stay. Childcare is a difficult one as he is the main parent who is at home. I feel like if I suddenly said he couldn't look after the children anymore it would seem like i was punishing him, but really despite a whole hearted belief that he is not dangerous to any of us I just can't shake a little feeling of unease which is probably completely unfair and irrational.

Today I feel like i have been married to a stranger all this time. Not really where I thought I would end up at all.

Thanks again for all who have given me a shake and prevented me from just sticking my head in the sand.

OP posts:
GeekLove · 24/10/2017 15:07

But your unease isn't irrational. Your gut instinct us screaming at you. He causally violated your boundaries and is only acting confused as you have taken action ans am taking control of the situation. He wants to keep you unbalanced and keep you weak. The one who cares least has the power.

I terms of your children if he violates your boundaries can he be trusted to set a good example in helping them define theirs? I think in the long term it would be best of he sees the children only with third parties.

Tuileries · 24/10/2017 15:12

You're handling this really well, OP. I really admire your strength in all of this.

Cambionome · 24/10/2017 15:55

Completely agree with Geek.

You are doing the right thing, op. Stay strong. Flowers

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 24/10/2017 18:09

That sense of unease is completely rational. He betrayed you and now he has violated and hurt you. As you say, he’s become a stranger. And you wouldn’t trust a stranger with your children.

GoldfishCrackers · 25/10/2017 19:50

What a difficult thing to come to terms with. You’re doing really well.

He is pretending to be confused because if keeps you on the back foot and doubting whether you’re overreacting. I doubt this is a new tactic of his. Can you just imagine if (post-affair when you’re allegedly on your best behaviour) you’d come in drunk and sexually assaulted him so violently that you’d torn him? Can you just imagine being confused if he’d asked you to move out?
You don’t need to explain your reasons to him if you don’t want to. You don’t owe him an explanation. He knows what he’s done. I doubt he’ll give you the satisfaction of agreeing you’re justified.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 25/10/2017 20:06

I remember your other threads too OP. I'm sad that you've reached the end of the road but in the long term this will better for you and your sons. Thinking of you.