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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I just need to say it out loud.

142 replies

FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 15:48

I don’t really think anyone will be able to do much about what happened, I just think it will feel better to speak and acknowledge what happened so I can process it.

My H and I separated about 6 months ago, during my pregnancy. I found out he had slept with someone and been chatting with her for a long time.

We have been working through things, and he recently moved in with me again. We have been sharing a room again very recently, but haven’t been having sex.

He went out for drinks last night, and was obviously very drunk when he got home at around 2/3am. I had been asleep for a while and woke up when he penetrated me in my sleep.

I woke up pretty immediately, because it hurt. He had just sort of slammed in, and has caused a tear. He stopped as soon as I woke up and asked him what he was doing. He rolled off me and just went to sleep.

He doesn’t remember anything today, but says he’s sorry if he did anything inappropriate.

I don’t know why, but I just feel very uneasy about what happened. A bit shocked and not sure where this leaves us. He says he doesn’t remember it, it was obviously a drunken instinct, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, if anything, about it.

I just sort of wanted to say out loud what had happened as I found a lot of support here when I first found out about his cheating.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 22/10/2017 16:30

You feel "a bit confused" - sweetheart, don't be confused - I am not. What he did was rape; not only did he have non-consensual sex with you (rape) but he also physically damaged you.

Please go to your GP - you are pregnant and have been trn by violet sex. You need some help.

Then seek help to get this man out of your life.

I am constantly mind-boggled with the degree to which women will find excuses for this sort of violence. There are NO excuses.

Mishappening · 22/10/2017 16:31

torn

Emmageddon · 22/10/2017 16:31

He raped you and you need to speak to someone professional about what happened. Don't sweep it under the carpet and pretend it hasn't happened. What has he done in the past when he's been horny and you haven't wanted to have sex with him? Is this is a one-off?

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 16:32

I’m usually very dubious about some of the definitions of rape on here, sometimes folks can be a little, overly dramatic shall we say. But this is rape. No two ways about it, he raped you last night.

Yes he remembers, he may have acted on an instinct he wouldn’t have done sober, whatever was going through his drunken mind, you can be sure he decided to rape you and knows it. Whether he will admit it or not, is a different story. He’s simply pretending not to remember.

What you do now is critical. Just like thr cheating, it’s the same with the rape, you let them back in after they do it once and you can be sure they will do it again. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but he will cheat on you again and if you are not having sex with him he will rape you.

I think you need to end it myself. For me it would have been over after the cheating, but to stay involved after rape is something else entirely.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 16:34

Nothing like this has ever happened before. He’s never been pushy in that way or anything like that.

Sorry I’m not articulating things very well.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 22/10/2017 16:36

He raped you.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/10/2017 16:40

I think the most important thing is to get yourself checked out medically. You have time to think about what you want to do re: your relationship but your health needs to be sorted out now.

Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 16:44

Dude. He raped you. He did.

You 'feel uneasy and confused' about it because, despite all the minimising and downplaying you're doing over this, you KNOW he violated you.

I'm so sorry. Stop letting his hard dick ruin your life. He's AWFUL.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 16:46

Op, there is always a first time. Have you ever denied him sex before for an extended period?

Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 16:48

I worry for you OP, I think this might happen again if he learns you will just let it go.

Please see a GP. She will validate your feelings.

AnyFucker · 22/10/2017 16:55

At 6 months post partum your nethers should still be treated with extra care

He has injured you. A doctor should be consulted. And has he had a sti test?

Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 17:00

I'm starting to really resent that a lot of men think the needs of their dick trumps all else. Grr!

TammyswansonTwo · 22/10/2017 17:00

I know you don't feel like he raped you because this doesn't fit the image you have of rape in your head and you've got lists of excuses already lined up - he was drunk, he was half asleep, he stopped when you woke up...

But he did rape you. You weren't having sex with him since you broke up, there's no way he could reasonably assume you'd give consent. He didn't think he needed your consent, and that's rape. This is the context the majority of rapes and sexual assaults - men who think getting off is more important than whether the other person wants it or not,

This sounds very similar to my first experience of abuse, except it wasn't my husband it was my father, and I was 10 years old. He got into my bed while I was drunk and I spent well over a decade making excuses for him - he'd been drinking, he got into the wrong bed, he didn't know what he was doing. Never mind that this happened multiple times and from the second time onwards I would tell him he was in the wrong bed.

What's happened to you is horrendous and you're feeling uneasy because you've been violated, and by someone who you thought you could trust with your personal safety. I'm so sorry but you cannot be safe with this man. You need to be with someone who respects your rights when he's drunk and sober. If he was so drunk he'd completely lost his mind, he wouldn't have been able to penetrate you anyway.

Please go and get yourself checked out. If you don't want to talk to your gp try a sexual health clinic. There are specialist sexual assault clinics in some areas,

You weren't even given the opportunity to say no. It's perfectly normal to doubt that what's happened to you is rape when it happens with someone you trust, but most assaults are committed by an intimate partner. This doubt you're feeling now is perfectly normal.

TammyswansonTwo · 22/10/2017 17:01

Absolutely insomnibrat - this week I've become increasingly angry because it's not archetypal dirty predators who are out there raping women most of the time, it's completely average men who just don't care whether you consent or not

picklemepopcorn · 22/10/2017 17:02

He might not consider his behaviour as any worse than 'inappropriate'. You may feel a bit confused.

However, he had sex with an unconscious, unconsenting, unprepared woman.

Why would you want him anywhere near you? He has forced himself into you- that didn’t happen without some effort.

He doesn’t see you as much as himself.

Drinking reveals who we really are when we are not trying to behave. It shows who he is, it doesn’t make him someone different.

TammyswansonTwo · 22/10/2017 17:04

*while he was drunk obviously - I wasn't not a 10 year old drinker!

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2017 17:05

He raped you

Please go to the doctors and consider calling Rape Crisis. Don't stay with him.

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 17:30

I know I sound like an idiot who is defending him. I’m not defending him, so much as I just feel really confused. It’s like an out of body experience right now.

I just want the kids home now.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 17:40

You sound in shock tbh OP. I'm not surprised. Flowers

MrsHass · 22/10/2017 17:44

I think I know who you posted as previously.
He was a cunt to you then, and he's clearly still a cunt to you now. And a rapist to boot.

I hope you get the support you need to kick his arse out.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 22/10/2017 17:50

Please don't take this as judgey because honest to god i've got your back right now, but I am suprised you let him take the kids out after this. Perhaps you were feeling dazed after what happened last night.
Hoping that he returns soon with them, I feel you should act normal when he gets back and then next time he goes out without your kids you need to get the locks changed and contact police in case he starts harassing you. I do not feel he should have any further contact with you or the kids after this. It would be considered a safeguarding issue by social services. Please let is know when the children are home safe! I will be worrying about them and you! X

Original poster
FeelingWelrd · 22/10/2017 17:54

I take the point, but I have absolutely no concerns about him being with the kids. I don’t think he’s a danger to any of us, I just feel a bit anxious for whatever reason and want them home.

If I asked him not to come back home he wouldn’t. He’s not pushy really, he never pressed the issue about moving in with me and the kids, it was as a result of a looooong process, but if I asked him not to be here I wouldn’t be at risk or anything.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 22/10/2017 18:00

Can you buy some time to get your thoughts together? Text him and say that you’d like him to stay elsewhere for a few nights, while you process what happened last night.

picklemepopcorn · 22/10/2017 18:01

He was a danger to you last night.

You are anxious because you are traumatised.

He traumatised you.

outedmyselfagain · 22/10/2017 18:10

I don’t generally post on these threads. However this is not something I could move past.

If this happened to me he would be out on his ear immediately, I would have gone to the police and I would be looking into supervised access for the kids.

He would never rape you - but he did!

What else would he never do?