I think I just need to say it out loud.

[FeelingWelrd]

I don’t really think anyone will be able to do much about what happened, I just think it will feel better to speak and acknowledge what happened so I can process it.

My H and I separated about 6 months ago, during my pregnancy. I found out he had slept with someone and been chatting with her for a long time.

We have been working through things, and he recently moved in with me again. We have been sharing a room again very recently, but haven’t been having sex.

He went out for drinks last night, and was obviously very drunk when he got home at around 2/3am. I had been asleep for a while and woke up when he penetrated me in my sleep.

I woke up pretty immediately, because it hurt. He had just sort of slammed in, and has caused a tear. He stopped as soon as I woke up and asked him what he was doing. He rolled off me and just went to sleep.

He doesn’t remember anything today, but says he’s sorry if he did anything inappropriate.

I don’t know why, but I just feel very uneasy about what happened. A bit shocked and not sure where this leaves us. He says he doesn’t remember it, it was obviously a drunken instinct, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, if anything, about it.

I just sort of wanted to say out loud what had happened as I found a lot of support here when I first found out about his cheating.

Just thinking of you this morning, Feeling. Hope you're doing ok.

Doing OK. Have passed some work for next week and my brother is arriving this evening with his wife so hopefully we can all relax and establish some new form of normal for going forward.

Our oldest is very quiet and sulky since dad moved out again, and he has said now he won't have them unless it's supervised since I've made such serious allegations against him and he feels he needs to protect himself, so that's a new level of weirdness to add to the mix.

I think if he wants himself supervised he can arrange it himself. Weirdo.

He's become strangely antagonistic, which is a new facet to his character and which has come as a surprise to me. Also slightly scares me to think how badly wrong I might have been in my judgement of him. As if there's always been this slightly sinister character lurking in him. It's all very strange, but I feel more certain each day that the marriage is over and I need to try and move forward somehow.

There is something a little bit liberating about there being a line drawn under things, even if mostly I just feel horrible about everything.

Thanks so much for all the support and encouragement. You all have much wiser heads than me when it comes to this!

Glad your brother and his wife are coming. I think the scales have fallen from your eyes, or whatever that expression is. You sound very strong - and I see what you mean about liberating. The only way is up now.

He’s having a hissy fit because you pointed out that he raped you? It’s still all about him, isn’t it? Has he even acknowledged what he did? for you.

"since I've made such serious allegations against him"

What does he think happened to upset you and give you tears etc??? Has he explained it from his perspective? Not that I’d care...

I think he's frustrated because he isn't in control of what's happening. He's apologised for "whatever happened" and has said he isn't going to drink anymore, will move out for a few weeks and we can continue to work on things...just a never ending swing from one side to the other.

I have made an appointment with his GP for him because I am worried he is having a breakdown or is depressed or unwell, and despite how he's behaved towards me he is a father too, and he needs to be well.

I can't wait for this year to be over! This was supposed to be a fun year with a new little baby, and a new house, and now it's just gone a bit wonky!

Get your divorce papers in before the end of the year and draw a line under it. You really couldn’t have done any more in the circumstances he created.

I just feel like I have failed.

He's failed not you buy there is often a sense of failure at the end of a relationship even if it was a bad one. But you are right there is no coming back and it seems that his mask as slipped and this weird sinister character is him.

You have BEEN failed, Feeling. None of this is your fault.

You sound so balanced and sensible. I can’t believe he's not horrified and desperate to make it up to you.
There was a case in the paper yesterday, where a bloke got off due to 'sexomnia'. I’m sorry but if someone told me I was doing that while I was asleep, I’d lock myself in my room!

Feeling, you haven't failed. I think there is something badly wrong with him but he has been able to hide the extent of it till now. You'll probably never get to the bottom of it.

He's acting out because you're no longer easy to manipulate back into the role he's assigned to you. He's tried all his old tactics and they don't work. He's now trying a new more sinister approach. Not nice to see but affirmation the marriage is done.

Get the divorce papers drawn up and put this to bed. You and your kids need to draw a line and establish a new normality that is stable. Go into 2018 a new woman!

You’ve not failed. You’ve been very brave and decisive when faced with awful circumstances.

The way he’s acted since (making it all about him rather than you) is showing that this wasn’t in fact an aberration. You are both dealing with the end of a relationship, but you’re the one who was assaulted and injured; who has to process this awful truth about your partner; who has to keep putting one foot in front the other at home for the DC; but he’s acting like the injured party. He’s even got you feeling like you have to make medical appointments for him.

Blaming mental illness/stress/addiction is part of the script. Puts him at the centre of things again, all the excuses, none of the blame and all of the attention. In the meantime you and your needs and your pain get lost. Brace yourself for a bit of hoovering when he’ll be lovely for a short time (and if you don’t buckle, he’ll then try being nasty/needy etc.)

How are you @FeelingWelrd ?

I am wondering if he assaulted you because he was angry. He hadn't really come to terms with you being in control of the relationship, and, whilst drunk, he decided to 'punish' you.

Getting him out was the best thing you could have done. His antagonism is likely due to the same thing - you are in control and he doesn't like it.

Hope you’re ok OP.