No longer attracted to my husband after he lost all his money

[upsetmner]

I’ve name changed for this but am a regular MNer. I’m prepared to get flamed for this and don’t really know what I’m asking for, maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation?

I’ve always been attracted to wealthy older men. I didn’t grow up with a dad and my mother is a complete narcissist who doesn’t know how to love or show affection. My counsellor says I’m a classic “dependant” type, I seek out a father figures and someone who can take care of me.

I’ll cut a long story short. My husband is 16 years older than me. When we first met it was happy days, lots of money, he was wealthy and owned his own company/powerful and he let me quit my job and be a lady of leisure. In my eyes he was the sexiest man on earth and I was the luckiest woman to have him!

Then after about a year things turned sour in his business and for the last 2.5 years he has been throwing good money after bad and invested in other failed business ventures along the way.

We’ve lost millions!

To get by we have sold our house, our cars, our artwork, just to keep us afloat. I stuck by him, I didn’t want to be that girl who leaves when things get tough because I do love him and for a long time I believed he was making the right decisions for his business. Plus he told me not to worry and things are JUST ABOUT to pay off. None of it has paid off. Nothing has “come good”. It’s just gone from bad to worse.

Now we are claiming housing benefit for our rented house that we are in massive arrears for, council tax reduction, and JSA. We’re now also on the waiting list for a council house as once our landlord decides to evict us for unpaid arrears we will literally be homeless as can not afford a new place to rent. I can’t work as I’m 33 weeks pregnant. It’s the end of the road and he has to get a job.

I’m just so un-attracted to him. He’s the opposite of what I wanted, or what I thought I had. I never thought I’d be on benefits thinking about how I’m going to afford a buggy or all the other things my baby will need.

I’m also bitter and angry that his ex wife got a gigantic payoff in their divorce 10 years ago when he was still minted. I’m jealous of her. My husband has still been paying her an eye watering sum of maintenance and child support for his child with her up until recently when we really could no longer afford to and ran out of options and things in our house to sell.

Someone please talk some sense in to me!

You can download the form from here www.gov.uk/sure-start-maternity-grant/how-to-claim once I'd sent mine off I waited less than 2 weeks for the money so fingers crossed it shouldn't take too long. You should also be entitled to Healthy Start vouchers. It's only £3.10 a week rising to £6.20 when the babies born but you can get fresh milk, formula, fruit and vegetables with it.

I think you need to talk to your local Citizens Advice bureau to find out exactly what you are entitled to claim.

Can’t remember who said that DH has made money in the past so he can make it again. I absolutely believe this and it’s probably the reason I’m still with him because I know he’s capable of making lots of money again, doesn’t make life any less difficult right now though.

Read what you have typed and you have your answer. That says it all really. You are staying with him for the money

You claim in your first post that you love your husband. Do you love him or did you love his money and his ability to spend? Big difference.

OP is hardly the first woman to be attracted to a wealthy older man. Give her a break. At least she has been completely honest and I really feel for her.

OP is hardly the first woman to be attracted to a wealthy older man.

She is attracted to the money not the man. She has openly said she is staying with him for when he becomes loaded again.

your honst about it fine-but why bring a baby into this mess an i thought u didnt find him attractive anymore was u just bored and had sex

Some of you are just really fucking nasty. regardless of whether this post is true or not we are meant to take it as it is until proven otherwise and answer the question etc.

Op i dont know what to advise really but I fell pregnant within a short time of knowing my partner and i had no job as i had recently moved to the area and he had lost his, we went legal and had a joint claim. It was tough, it was very hard, we also had rent to pay although it was a lesser amount thanks to housing benefit however we had £20 a fortnight to feed ourselves and I was pregnant which didn't help. the grant that we received helped dramatically and I bought a new buggy that changed to a pushchair along with a matching carseat for a little over £200. I also bought multipacks of body suits and all in ones etc my baby didn't have much but she did have clothes on her back. I was gifted a moses basket and a cot so didn't have to worry about that, i was also gifted clothes which was a big help. I stocked up on nappies and wipes whilst pregnant and bought a pack every few months so that i had some for babies arrival, I also planned to breastfeed to keep costs down but I understand that isn't for everyone. Facebook selling sites are great for getting things second hand and there is no shame with it, it took me a long time to learn that. I understand you losing your attraction as you are very honest in regards to men that you fancy and that is admirable, although I myself haven't been in that position and in fact we are still on benefits but due to different circumstances involving our second child. I will say this, moving into council housing and receiving the benefits you do alongside having a child saved us, we could finally eat a healthy and filling meal and i could buy some pretty things for the house, It's no bed of roses but we are alive have heating and can eat, I hope something gets sorted for you Op and encourage your partner to get a job no matter what it is although they are hard to come by but given his skills he should be able to get something. Hope all goes well with the new arrival and trust me when i say a baby needs a full tummy somewhere to sleep and clothes on its back and it will thrive, plenty of love will also be what they need, babies don't understand luxury or expensive and new toys etc no child really does all they will want is love and cuddles and milk everything else is just extra and not really needed. Good luck.

If this is real, then I cannot for thr life of me think why you find th fact you don’t fancy your husband right now your biggest concern amd thr title of your thread.

Your 33 weeks pregnant, about to be made homeless, skint, and concerned you don’t fancy your husband.

I can see why going from wealthy to poor would be devastating, I can see why you wouldn’t be particularly attracted to someone whose fault you thought it was, I can’t see why finding him attractive is even on your mind, but most people would be focusing on how they would get by.

Also wanted to add, can people stop assuming the baby was planned things happen and we don't always control them if I am wrong then I apologise. Ask if the baby was planned if you must know but stop throwing out crap about it not being great timing unless you know the facts.

@Foreverme I’ve suffered multiple miscarriages including a late miscarriage. I was absolute desperate for a baby and kept going until I had one. Great, now my wish has come true and no idea how I’m going to afford it all and all this time DH kept telling me everything would be absolutely fine and things will start to come good once x y z is in place. When we sold our house he used the money to prop up his failing business which hasn’t worked out. Cars and household items paid the rent, school fees, child support, spousal maintenance, credit card fees, bills, food etc but now there’s nothing left.

@Etaina our housing benefit won’t cover even half our rent but our landlord won’t release us from our tenancy as he’s legally entitled to that money until our lease runs out and is happy for us to be in debt and pay off our arrears as and when we can. We’ve spoken to Shelter and they say there’s nothing we can do.

What Witches said :(

You're staying with him in the hope he'll make "lots of money" again.

Time for you to go it alone methinks, it's unfortunate that you're in this situation but you must never marry for money and you'll pay the price I'm sad to say.

Do you not have any handbags / shoes you can eBay? I've been with my husband for 10 years and have amassed a few months worth of rent in sellable goods...

I wouldn't make any decisions on your marriage if heavily pregnant, it's a hormonal time. I hope you get a roof over your head soon x

Another link here for the Healthy Start vouchers: www.gov.uk/healthy-start/how-to-claim

How about your DH other DC are they also having to move due to him no longer paying maintenance?

well, upsetmner, your baby will be much loved, and you'll get by. it will be tough but you'll get there. Best wishes, MUM.

So you've a friend's flat in West London you can live in? Kind of a no brainer that one really.

You are not sexually attracted to him. You are still with him because you hope he will make money like he did before. You want someone who takes care of you.

I think you need to admit to yourself that you are probably a gold digger.

So he's pissed your nest egg up the wall trying to start another business rather than get a job? Is he one of those who thinks he's too good to work for someone else?

Starting to have more sympathy now OP. I'd be massively pissed off too.

Look a fresh at your values. Your money grabbing. Are these shallow values the ones you want to teach your children?

You made the choice to be with your partner because of his money. You made the choice not to establish a career. You made the choice not to get a job when things initially went tits up. Your situation is your doing, not just his.

There is so much more to a good relationship then financial wealth.

OP, the situation sounds very difficult. Hopefully you DH will get a job soon and things will start looking up.

Why don't you get a job instead of sponging off your husband or the state?

Take the flat from friend as emergency measure. Get talking to the LL about not being able to pay the rent so what arrangement can you come to as you don’t have any money - simple as.

Explain that arrears could end up being paid back at as little as £80 per month so the quicker you are out the less arrears he or you will accrue

And take your friends offer

Is your dp seeking employment? Surely he must be as part of JSA

Shelly are you thick? “Get a job.” She’s 33 weeks pregant fs.