No longer attracted to my husband after he lost all his money

[upsetmner]

I’ve name changed for this but am a regular MNer. I’m prepared to get flamed for this and don’t really know what I’m asking for, maybe if anyone has been in a similar situation?

I’ve always been attracted to wealthy older men. I didn’t grow up with a dad and my mother is a complete narcissist who doesn’t know how to love or show affection. My counsellor says I’m a classic “dependant” type, I seek out a father figures and someone who can take care of me.

I’ll cut a long story short. My husband is 16 years older than me. When we first met it was happy days, lots of money, he was wealthy and owned his own company/powerful and he let me quit my job and be a lady of leisure. In my eyes he was the sexiest man on earth and I was the luckiest woman to have him!

Then after about a year things turned sour in his business and for the last 2.5 years he has been throwing good money after bad and invested in other failed business ventures along the way.

We’ve lost millions!

To get by we have sold our house, our cars, our artwork, just to keep us afloat. I stuck by him, I didn’t want to be that girl who leaves when things get tough because I do love him and for a long time I believed he was making the right decisions for his business. Plus he told me not to worry and things are JUST ABOUT to pay off. None of it has paid off. Nothing has “come good”. It’s just gone from bad to worse.

Now we are claiming housing benefit for our rented house that we are in massive arrears for, council tax reduction, and JSA. We’re now also on the waiting list for a council house as once our landlord decides to evict us for unpaid arrears we will literally be homeless as can not afford a new place to rent. I can’t work as I’m 33 weeks pregnant. It’s the end of the road and he has to get a job.

I’m just so un-attracted to him. He’s the opposite of what I wanted, or what I thought I had. I never thought I’d be on benefits thinking about how I’m going to afford a buggy or all the other things my baby will need.

I’m also bitter and angry that his ex wife got a gigantic payoff in their divorce 10 years ago when he was still minted. I’m jealous of her. My husband has still been paying her an eye watering sum of maintenance and child support for his child with her up until recently when we really could no longer afford to and ran out of options and things in our house to sell.

Someone please talk some sense in to me!

Well, at least you're telling it like it is. And you're not alone in finding a poor man a turn off, judging by the increased divorce rates in couples where the dad is the stay-at-home parent.

That said, you can justifiably be pissed off that he let his business failure take the family home down with it. That could have been prevented.

I'm really sorry for you and your husband that you're in this financial mess, I've was in a similar situation some years ago. There's no point being cross at his ex-wife's payoff - that is history. Obviously with a baby on the way you can't get a job for some time. Can your husband get a job? Anything .... ?. Of course you're not going to find him attractive at the moment because he's not the man you married. However put that aside and get real. You both need a home and the basics for the baby. Can friends lend you baby stuff ? If not swallow your pride and look for things that are second hand / eBay/gumtree. There's no shame in raising your baby in pre-loved clothes. (I did) Things will be tough and you married him for richer and for poorer..... hang on in there together. (being a single parent with a baby is tough - I know from experience).

Have you spoken to your LL about getting out of the contract early rather than him seeking a NoSP? For him it would surely be easier as you are unlikely to pay arrears even after eviction

This would enable you to find somewhere cheaper to rent

The difference in HB and rent is going to be unachievable for you and a loss for LL

But why on Earth with all those millions didn’t you buy a house?

Thanks @PinkfluffySlippers63 I’m too embarrassed to ask friends for hand-me-downs but I have been looking on Gumtree for local second hand buggy’s and things like that.

@OhtoblazeswithElvira reported? Why?

I think you need to prepare yourself for the emergency accommodation you'll get by dint of having a baby. It will likely be hostel or b&b, one room for all of you, time-limited, and possibly a very long way away. It's not for the faint-hearted.

What other accommodation options do you have?

If your on JSA you can get a sure start maternity grant for £500 to help pay for what your need for the baby.

As far as your relationship... I'm going to try not to be too harsh. You've known for 2.5 years that things weren't going well financially - why has it got this bad? Did neither of you realise when you were selling all your worldly possessions that at some point you would have to get a job, any job, to keep you afloat? I can understand him wanting to start another business, but he should have done it in his spare time and taken employment - and so should you (before you got pregnant so at least you'd have had some SMP).

I think you also need to be honest with yourself - you loved the money, status and things not the man. I think the only reason you haven't left already is in case something does come up and he makes money again - and you don't want to miss out, you want a big payout like his ex.

----

Do you still have a fridge? If so, you could nuke it.

Upsetmner, swallow your pride. There is no shame in being poor. You can get hand me downs on free sites like freecycle. Being attracted to the DH in your condition is asking a lot but you need to be there for each other and for the baby.
If your DH has made money once, he may well do it again.

I'm really sorry that a lot of people are giving you a tough time on this thread.

I think you're being very honest, saying you've always been attracted to older wealthy men. I think your honesty should be respected. BTW there is no right time to have a baby....but a child is a great gift.

Some of the advice offered is sound - once the baby is born I hope you'll be able to start developing some independence from your husband.

In the meantime take care of yourself, the baby, your husband and remember there is always hope. Never give up.

You really should have just left, you definitely shouldn't have gotten pregnant. You have no one to blame but yourself st this point.

Just a quick one to say that although we can never be sure who anyone is on the internet, MNHQ has no concerns about this OP. We can confirm she is a regular Mumsnetter who has namechanged for this.

Hope we can keep this in mind in our replies.

Well clearly you contributed to this situation. You quit your job, and didn't get another, even when things weren't going well. You got pregnant even though your DH couldn't support the child he already has. You didn't make sure that the rent was paid. Now you're going to be evicted.

There's an old saying, when money goes out of the door, love goes out of the window. Or something.

Having chosen the stepford wifey existence the best thing you can do is to support your husband to keep confident, get a job and provide for you all, and to go out and get a job yourself as soon as you can. Other women start a business at 30+ weeks pregnant or start applying for jobs at 3 weeks post partum, I know I did. Because if you're feeling shit doubtless your DH will be feeling shitter, you're better off as the pair of you rebuilding from the ground up than stuck self pitying, depressed and bankrupt.

And don't think you're going to get handed social housing easily, either, as non payment of rent usually equals intentionally homeless.

I'm sorry you're having trouble OP, and I know you're getting a roasting by some posters, but this is the fallout for marrying a man for his money and not himself... congrats on you baby btw, and if your baby is a girl please teach her different values from yours, tell her to get a career and NEVER rely on anyone to provide a life for her, always have your own means of support and above all marry for LOVE..

When I was pregnant (and by myself with v little money) I contacted the housing office and the v nice lady said quite honestly "I wouldn't want to bring a new born baby back to the type of place we could offer you.". So be prepared.... Also if you've already lost your home, your friends will know things are tough and will only be too happy to offer you things for the baby. I was truly overwhelmed by the generosity of people towards me when my daughter was born.

I didn’t know about the sure start grant @DaisysStew , thank you so much! I’ll make enquiries because £500 would go a long way right now. Do you know if I contact our benefits officer for this or some other department?

@LineysRun yes that’s what we were told, that it would most likely be a b&b or something similar. We also have a small dog and the council said they are not be obliged to house our pet so we will have to make arrangements for him too. We do have a friend with an empty flat in West London that we could ask to stay in until we’re back on our feet as an alternative to being homeless or in emergency accom. We have no family to stay with (my family live abroad).

Can’t remember who said that DH has made money in the past so he can make it again. I absolutely believe this and it’s probably the reason I’m still with him because I know he’s capable of making lots of money again, doesn’t make life any less difficult right now though.

Kind of hard for people who might otherwise be very sympathetic to understand why you got preggers here in the middle of financial breakdown.

Can you explain that OP?

After that, not much you can do, except divorce him. You are not attracted to him anymore and are destitute. Just go it alone now.

So a millionaire who's wankered all his money away should get a grant aimed at those in need? Get tay fuck

Will your housing benefit cover all your rent when it comes through? If not, you really need to be talking to your landlord about this and asking if he/she will release you from the tenancy early.

Our local food bank offers a 'baby pack' with things like a moses basket, clothes, nappies etc. It would be worth asking them for help. Also, you can get healthy eating vouchers and free vitamins from your midwife.

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I can't imagine how stressful it must be to be 33 weeks pregnant and facing possible eviction as well as all the money worries. I do hope that your situation improves soon. Your husband was successful once and I hope he gets on his feet again soon.

I think you also need to be honest with yourself - you loved the money, status and things not the man

Exactly. It wasn't him you fell in live with but the status and the money.

If he was an 'ordinary' man on an average wage would you have married him?

I'm guessing that would a resounding no.

As for being jealous of his exwife and his DC well words fail me.

Dies he ever see his DC? How is he supporting them now exactly?

..