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Original poster

My friend shocked me the way she rejected this guy

310 replies

Lifeisntbad · 15/10/2017 09:41

Have Ncd and changed some details but this is basically it. A small group of us are on a weekend away. After a few perfectly respectful approaches from men all of whom took the hint and departed when the conversation dried up, my friend who has admittedly had a somewhat difficult time from men in the past but nothing out of the ordinary really genuinely shocked me. We had had a few drinks but weren't drunk.

I'm not sure he was even trying his luck, seemed to be in the hotel for work reasons and just started chatting. After a while my frIend turned to him and said "you're not exactly attractive and you have zero chance with any of us so save yourself the embarrassment and just leave us alone." My other friend and I were stunned and the guy just looked utterly crushed and went away without saying another word. The thing is he was actually fairly attractive and quite a good conversationalist.
Even if he wasn't that's hardly justification. I don't know what to say if we run into him today. I'm really shocked at what my friend said and us 2 others went silently to bed after. I'll speak to her about it today but I've never seen this side to her before. I really felt so sorry for him he looked so upset and shocked.

OP posts:
Happymarmiteday · 15/10/2017 14:18

I think your friend was incredibly rude and unkind.

sosadforhim · 15/10/2017 14:24

I get that she may just have wanted to talk to her friends, but there's a way to get people to leave without being so cruel and rude.

Happymarmiteday · 15/10/2017 15:06

Having said that it it was a friend and it was out of character, I would have asked her what's going on not just ignored her and gone to bed

brasty · 15/10/2017 15:10

Yes exactly. Which is why the OP is a shit friend.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/10/2017 15:49

I still think this is a reverse frankly but unwanted hassling by men is so pervasive its worth commenting on.

Like PPs I've regularly been hassled by men when alone in restaurants/similar with my headphones in. I have noticed the same men don't approach the unaccompanied males in the same venue who are not wearing headphones. There is a point where you just stop feeling obliged to be polite to intrusive people with zero consideration, social skills or manners.

Why should women always be polite and accepting of this behaviour? Why should women always feel they have to smile politely?

Cricrichan · 15/10/2017 16:04

I don't think there's anything wrong with a man trying to strike up a conversation as long as he accepts when they're not interested. I've met friends of both sexes like that. Doesn't always mean that it's about being interested or even if that was the initial intention, it may lead to just a friendship.

Your friend was unacceptably rude.

AufderAutobahn · 15/10/2017 16:09

C8H10N4O2 Excellent point, for all that men approaching women they've never met claim to be "just being friendly", I rarely see them approach other men in the same way!

ReanimatedSGB · 15/10/2017 16:18

People who are open to socialising, at the sort of occasions where it's expected and appropriate that you might make, or want to make, new friends - or pick up a new romantic/sexual partner make it obvious. They look around the room. If you catch each other's eye, they usually smile. They move around.

But women sitting talking to other women, or sitting alone with a book, are not giving off any signals that they want to be interrupted - yet entitled men only note the absence of Another Man and so basically shove their dicks in.

TheStoic · 15/10/2017 17:37

Your examples of a woman showing that she wants men to speak to her is a bit out of touch and creepy.

Really? All it takes is a second of your own research to find out that this is what humans do in social situations to signal interest and availability.

Trills · 15/10/2017 17:50

All women have to be nice to all men, all of the time.

Apparently so.

Graphista · 15/10/2017 18:04

Several pps suggest to me an excellent response (I think) for those who want a blunt but not necessarily rude thing to say.

'Would you have come over if I/we were a man/men?'

In addition to putting an entitled man straight, if as many of us as possible do this, maybe the message will start getting through.

To the lady working in the library - why on EARTH don't you just say to him "go away I am busy and don't approach me again' frankly I would report the pest to library staff. Hugely inappropriate behaviour

Graphista · 15/10/2017 18:05

Oh - and when they say no they wouldn't if you were male, follow up question

'Then why did you think it was ok to approach me/us?'

Trills · 15/10/2017 18:08

Nice idea but if I ask a question of a person who I don't wish to talk to, I am inviting them to give me an answer, which I should then listen to (since I asked for it). I don't want to listen to it. I don't want to talk to them at all.

fredericapotterslawyer · 15/10/2017 18:10

I should do shouldn't I? You're absolutely right. He's obnoxious. I think I will next time. I've been inspired by this thread

RebeccaWrongDaily · 15/10/2017 18:10

i have been rude in the past, if i am out with my girlfriends i don't want to meet new friends. I am out with my friends, and seemingly unable to have an uninterrupted chat with them, why on earth would I need more?

Men only ever do this to women, unless they start a boreathon related to football. I think it is fine to be rude to people who are harassing you, i am sometimes rude to chuggers on the street, telesales people, strangers who decide to tell me what I should/shouldn't be doing also get short shrift. I don't have to be nice to anyone.

twattymctwatterson · 15/10/2017 18:13

MRA MRA MRA

Anniegetyourgun · 15/10/2017 18:34

When I was younger I'd probably have responded in the way described. Nowadays I'd be more likely to say something subtler but equally withering. Mind you, after the third or fourth interruption (by the OP's own account) all diplomatic skills would be likely to go out of the window. OK, this poor fellow didn't know he was the umpteenth cheeky fucker interrupting the conversation. By the same token, though, he didn't know he wasn't. It behoves him, as the pusher-inner, to show a bit of sensitivity. Like, maybe, by not pushing in.

Oh, and yes, I have several very good male friends. I didn't meet any of them by them randomly chatting to me in a bar. That's probably why they're good friends. (I didn't meet any of my female friends that way either, spookily.)

JellyBean31 · 15/10/2017 18:46

I haven't rad the whole thread so apologies if this has been mentioned already.

I'm 51 and when we used to go to clubs in my youth, men didn't dance together, the onky way they could have a dance was if they got a woman to agree to a dance. Fair enough if they came up & asked but they didn't most of the time. You'd be happy dancing away with your friend and 2 guys would just appear, separate you & start dancing. I had been made own to stand still and ask what they wanted, if they asked if I'd like to dance (if I didn't want to) I'd say no thanks walk off and leave them standing there.

I was called cruel and insensitive by some of my friends at the time, but I was never rude I just don't believe women should have to act a certain way out of "politeness".

RebelRogue · 15/10/2017 19:11

@Anniegetyourgun you actually make a very good point. So many cries of “omg but how will you meet people otherwise?how do you make friends?”.
I have to say none of my friendships started by being approached at a bar/club.

AufderAutobahn · 15/10/2017 19:20

Anniegetyourgun RebelRogue I have to say, I've never made friends by approaching complete strangers at a bar either Grin

Graphista · 15/10/2017 19:33

Annie excellent point I've not made ANY of my friends by meeting them randomly on a night out and I have a LOT of friends.

I've met them at school, college, work, through hobbies, through other friends

brasty · 15/10/2017 19:37

Yes I have never met any friends randomly on a night out. There are a few old people at my local pub that I will have a chit chat with fairly regularly, but they are not friends.

Nancy91 · 15/10/2017 19:50

Stoic, I can assure you that standing and staring blankly at men and swishing my hair about would make me look a bit simple and creepy. Luckily I didn't learn to flirt via google Grin

I've made loads of friends on nights out, my hobby is female only and I only work with people around 30 years older than me so I'd have zero male friends if I didn't speak to people on nights out. I have some really lovely friends from it as well, but apparently on MN all men are evil and just want sex. Most of the guys were in relationships when I met them so it was never about that. We just have shared interests and similar senses of humour. I have enough of a personality that they see me as more than just a vagina, thanks.

TheStoic · 15/10/2017 19:52

Stoic, I can assure you that standing and staring blankly at men and swishing my hair about would make me look a bit simple and creepy. Luckily I didn't learn to flirt via google

Oh well in that case, if you have never done it, it’s not a thing. Grin

GrapesAreMyJam · 15/10/2017 19:57

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