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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shouldn't have got married

155 replies

MrsXx4 · 07/10/2017 19:05

6 months in and we have hit our first hurdle.

My husband's friend - our best man - saved a photo of my wedding to his phone and sent it on a group chat which involved my husband. It was a photo of my brother. I saw it and wanted to know why my brothers photo was on his phone. He made excuses but in the end showed it to me. The group of them were calling my brother offensive names and having a right old laugh at his expense.

My brother has never done anything to any of these people. He lives 8 hours away from us. He is kind and we are close. Me and my husband love him alot and the abuse is completely uncalled for.

My husband told them to stop. His text to them read 'lads, not funny that's my brother in law and I'm going to cop it big time now'

I said his message wasn't good enough. I'm hurt and feeling rather distressed that my wedding photos have been used to mock my innocent family member.

My husband decided in amongst all this to go out with them all tonight to celebrate our best mans birthday. I asked him to give this night out a miss because I am so upset with them all (I was supposed to be going too) I asked him to stay with me this once but he went knowing how distraught I am. He also told me he wouldn't bring it up with them again and that I couldn't say anything to them.

I feel really let down. I'm so sad. He has shown them more importance than me all for a few beers.

I've had 2 glasses of wine so I may not have explained this well...

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/10/2017 12:23

Yeh what boys do, how old are they, 15! No not all men do that. Good on you, they are not the type of people I wod want to associate with or be a part of. I am glad that it's positive from your. DH and that he has removed himself from that vile group. I hope he can also have a backbone, and stand up to his mates over vile behaviour

CocoaIsGone · 09/10/2017 12:46

I think you are right to call bullshit on him going to be dealing with it in his own way, but you did not let him. Keep an eye on that kind of language if it continues, it deflects the blame for his lack of action back on you.

Plus, you are entitled to make your feelings known, regardless of what he was ‘going to’ do (and why can he still not?)

Oh well, chalk it up to experience and move on, but yes, keep an eye on him treating you as an equal decision making partner worthy of consideration and make sure your mental health is not questioned when he is in a corner of his own making.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/10/2017 12:48

I hope in time he wakes up and sees them for who they are, and grows up from them. In their 30's and are behaving like teenage boys.

Bucketsandspoons · 09/10/2017 13:25

I shouldn't be offended because that's what boys do!!

Boys? Are these not adults then?

Possession of a penis does not equal being a twat. That part is a choice, not a biological imperative.

Gimmeareason · 09/10/2017 14:18

Haven't read full thread but i think your husbands friends sound like dicks.

HOWEVER - I also think you sound manipulative and like a bit of a martyr tbh. So there jokey photo comments made and you react by banning him from attending his best mates birthday? I mean jesus christ.

ladystarkers · 09/10/2017 14:21

OTT reaction on your part.

guilty100 · 09/10/2017 14:25

I would find it really difficult to respect my partner after that.

I bloody hate men who don't have enough backbone to stand up to homophobic, braindead lad culture. They are absolutely weak and pathetic. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who had laddishness as part of their identity to the point that they couldn't stand up for someone weaker. It's so... subservient and lacking in bravery and dignity.

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 09/10/2017 14:26

@gimmeareason shame you didn't read the full thread as you would have seen that I didn't 'ban' him from going. I did however feel upset that he didn't give this particular night out a miss seeing as I was pretty upset to find my brothers photos being passed around a group of people I believed to be our friends.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/10/2017 14:33

They are a childish bunch, but good that your DH has exited the group.

The best man likely feels too ashamed to contact you. He knows there is no excuse for it.

nauticant · 09/10/2017 14:34

Haven't read full thread

"... so I'm going to wade in with an ignorant comment"

Huskylover1 · 09/10/2017 14:36

It's a stupid group chat where they send each other gross pictures or pictures of naked women so it seems after scrolling through some of it

But this ^^ you are ok with?

How old are they, 16?

Brahms3rdracket · 09/10/2017 14:37

You beat me to it nauticant

Why bother commenting if you can't be bothered to rtft?

Gimmeareason · 09/10/2017 14:39

In this case rft adds nothing.

I still think its controlling and manipulative.

Brahms3rdracket · 09/10/2017 14:41

Don't let anything like facts get in the way of goady shite then @Gimmeareason

Gimmeareason · 09/10/2017 14:49

@Brahms3rdracket

Its just an opinion. And its not even your story. Chill.

nauticant · 09/10/2017 14:51

It's an ignorant opinion. They're less valid than informed ones.

Gimmeareason · 09/10/2017 14:53

Poster is upset with partners mates so tries to guilt trip him into staying at home instead of socialising with his friends.

Sounds fucking awful.

Brahms3rdracket · 09/10/2017 14:53

@Gimmeareason you really don't have anything valid to add do you Hmm

Gimmeareason · 09/10/2017 14:59

@Brahms3rdracket

Are you actually the OP? Or just a bully
People have a right to their opnion. Ive now read the full thread and stand by my view. His friends now sound even worse because of the homophobic shit, but OP sounds like a real faux martyr, drama llama. Im sorry if this has disrupted your online comfy "girl talk" vibe but its my opinion, so back off and let me express i instead of throwing your sanctimonious weight around.

Bet you're OP under different name.

nauticant · 09/10/2017 15:05

Are you actually the OP?

Bet you're OP under different name.

You're now coming across as an idiot.

Original poster
MrsXx4 · 09/10/2017 15:23

I'm not happy about the group chat but I didn't know it existed until the other day and I never have any reason to look on his phone etc. He has left the group chat and deleted it from his phone.

I cant really monitor what he does and doesn't have showing on his phone, I can only hope that he has taken something away from this weekend and it'll make him see sense.

I'm not going to spend any time arguing with someone over whether it was controlling or manipulative, all I can say is I was upset and for good reason. I didn't ban anyone from anything but I was allowed to express my distress at the situation.

Thank you to all of you who helped me through Saturday night. We are on the tight tracks now and I am feeling better.

OP posts:
Brahms3rdracket · 09/10/2017 15:50

@Gimmeareason haha right I'm the bully Hmm, you keep telling yourself that.

If you doubt who i purport to be report me.

Cambionome · 09/10/2017 15:57

Your ill-judged posts are adding nothing to this thread Gimme - maybe try showing a bit of empathy before wading in.

Riversleep · 09/10/2017 16:01

My DB's brother in law has asbergers. There is no way any of his friends who spoke about him in that way would still be his friends. It was clear at my DB's wedding what a huge deal it was getting him out of the house for such a public occasion. Only the biggest of juvenile twats would have taken the piss out of him.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 09/10/2017 16:08

You did not overreact at all.

If I thought my husbands mates were taking about what one of my sisters would be like in bed and my husband didn't berate them, I would be fucking livid!!!

Luckily, I am married to an adult who has nice friends who wouldn't dream of discussing such laddish, boorish, immature and pathetic stuff.